RELEASE DATE: 1985
RATED: R
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Our tale of love, loss and loin cloths begins with the trial of lead character, Catherine. After being assured by spoken narration (uh oh for the plot), we learn that the story we�re about to hear is based on true live events...um sure, whatever you want me to believe. Shes up on the charge of the murder of multiple people. Why, well lets start the flashback that would result in our plot line.
Way back when, Catherine heads out to the Amazon on her eighteenth birthday to party hearty with her mother, father, uncle and aunt. She apparently loves her father�s place in the Amazon where he gets mail delivered via chopper, drinks a ton of champagne and spends time on the river in his houseboat.
Oh but how life can turn sucky for people like this in horror films. Few scenes later, mother and father get knocked off leaving Catherine at the will of a headhunter tribe. Well at least it seems that way. Do note that Uncle and Aunt whoever go missing...hmmmm. Time to call in CSI Amazon I guess, we�ll talk about this plot drop later anyhow.
This is when we meet the lead tribesman of the movie Umukai who is played by a guy with the last name of Gonzales. Don�t know why I find that funny but I do. He is for, as George Bush senior would have wanted in the 90s, a kinder more gentler tribe. Granted his men lop the heads of Catherine�s parents off in front of her but still, we all can�t be perfect.
With Catherine in tow, literally, they tribe marches over the river and through the woods to their village. On their way we get to watch a wild cat eat a deer and a big battle between Umukai�s men and a cannibal tribe. I�m thinking they drifted in from Make Them Die Slowly�s set or something.
The group make it into the neighborhood and Catherine gets washed down and prepared for something. That something would be an auction for her lifetime companionship. A holy man is able to provide some livestock over Umukai�s offerings and wins himself a new bride. Not a bad price for some blonde action.
Catherine, who is not into the holy man type, struggles when he tries to consummate the marriage. However, the whole thing stops when the holy man finds out that she is still a virgin. Apparently all girls over four in the tribe are automatically defiled so this takes them by surprise. They all enjoy a creepy laugh at Catherine�s expense. Much how we treat guys over 30 who haven�t gotten laid.
This gives Catherine immunity for a bit but when she tries to escape, she goes under the cherry popping ritual. Granted thats not what they called it in the film but I can�t think of a better name for it. It consists of a tribe woman inserting a rather large plank of wood into Catherine�s love cavern. Slivers apparently would have never sucked more.
Catherine still doesn�t give in to her owner and she gets beaten in public for it. However, Umukai steps and says �wait a second pal� thus challenging the holy man to fight til the death. Umukai beats the snot out of the guy and wins Catherine.
As Catherine gets acquainted with her new home, she meets up with a woman who actually speaks broken English. From here, every day life in the big...um...jungle ensues. Catherine finds herself in much better living conditions with Umukai but still loathes him over the whole killing her mommy and daddy thing.
Catherine learns more and more about the culture of the tribe. Turns out that women who are on the rag (or would that be banana leaf) get to hang out in a tree until its over. I'm assuming that this would be one of the moodiest trees ever to be in existence. Might I be so bold to say that this idea is actually a great idea. "Ok, you're pissing me off so go to that tree for a week or so until you can scr*w me again". We could learn a lot from tribal folk.
Moving on, Catherine finds herself at celebrity status when she helps a cripple guy walk again. She also finds time in her busy schedule to sneak out and bury the heads of her mother and father. Also making tribe news, some chick gets caught cheating on her husband with another man. Both are put to death quite unpleasantly.
So time in the jungle, the mighty jungle marches on. Umukai eventually learns a little English to tell Catherine �me no kill white people� in so many words or less. After a helicopter shows up and blows away a bunch of tribe members for development purposes, we find out that...gasp...Catherine�s aunt and uncle we�re behind the killing. That would explain why the plot so easily dropped them several paragraphs ago.
Long story short, Umukai and his guys were basically in the wrong part of the jungle at the wrong jungle time. Still doesn�t explain why they felt a need to hack the heads off of people they didn�t even kill but hey, who am I to question such great warriors. Anyhow, Catherine has a brief fling with Umukai because she realizes he really did love her or something overly sappy like that.
Now comes the revenge part of the movie. Catherine heads back to her pop�s old place and confronts her aunt and uncle with a few weapons. After hacking their heads off, Umukai is rather disappointed. This is mainly due that killer women in their culture aren�t cool to touch anymore. In a supermarket bought romance novel twist, Umukai kills himself for fear of a life without Catherine.
Meanwhile back at the trial, Catherine gets a few years for pleading insanity. That apparently seems to work for murderers in the Amazon just as much as it works in the States. The movie caps off by letting us know that Catherine is alive and well but still laments over the loss of Umukai. He did pop her cherry...well actually a large wooden plank did but we�ll overlook that.
The best part of this film is it�s claim to be a true story. IMDB reports (among other sources) that it is in fact all fictional. My one complaint would be all the Animal Planet esq stock footage that gets interlaced between the shots. None the less, this film proves to be a decent exploiter with well used gore and shock values.
1.) Human Dart Board - Catherine's parents get taken out by darts, one of which pierces her mother's eye. This later leads to their heads getting hacked off by headhunters. AKA pretty much the standard every day water commute in headhunter land.
2.) Your Cheating Heart - The cheating couple in the film get punished. The guy gets hung upside down and eaten by insects while the girl gets sent to a watery grave. Even in Amazonia, the guys have it much worse in those situations.
1.) Catherine's Aunt And Uncle - The next time your uncle gets drunk at your Chucky Cheese birthday party or your aunt knits you a sweater that would make Where's Waldo jealous, remember that they aren't try to kill you with blow guns.
2.) Headhunters - Simply say the words "I'm With National Geographic" and they'll probably leave you alone.
