Attention please, ladies and gentlemen, you are about to see a story of murder,
greed, corruption, violence, exploitation, adultry, and treachery. All those
things we hold near and dear to our hearts... 5, 6, 7, 8!
[Dance Captain]
[man looking for Kelly sisters]
Does anybody see the Kellly sisters?
You, you're up in 5.
[Velma Kelly] (getting out of the car)
- Keep the change, Charlie.
[Charlie - driver]
- Thank you.
[Dance Captain]
Where the hell have you been? And where is Veronica?
[Velma Kelly]
She�s not herself tonight
[Dance Captain]
But tonight's your sister act.
[Velma Kelly]
Don't sweat it. I can do it alone. (puts gun in drawer)
Shit! (washes blood off of hands) All right!
[Dance Captain?]
Move it! Move it! Hurry up!
[Announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen, the Onyx club is proud to present Chicago's hottest show
in the world. Two Jazz babes moving as one. The Kelly sisters!
[Velma Kelly]
Come on babe
Why don't we paint the town?
And all that Jazz
I'm gonna rouge my knees
And roll my stockings down
And all that jazz
Start the car
I know a whoopee spot
Where the gin is cold
But the piano's hot
It's just a noisy hall
Where there's a nightly brawl
And all
That
Jazz
[Announcer]
Skidoo!
[Velma Kelly]
And all that jazz
[Company]
Hatcha! Whoopee!
[Velma Kelly]
And all that jazz
[Company]
Ha! Ha! Ha!
[Velma Kelly]
Slick your hair
And wear your buckle shoes
And all that Jazz
I hear that Father Dip
Is gonna blow the blues
And all that Jazz
Hold on, hon
We're gonna bunny hug
I bought some aspirin
Down at United Drug
I case you shake apart
And want a brand new start
To do
that
[Roxie Hart] (imagine)
Jazz
[Fred Casely]
Let's go, babe.
[Roxie Hart]
But l didn't even meet your friend. That:that manager guy.
[Fred Casely]
Don't worry, Roxie. It's all taken care of.
[Roxie Hart]
You told him about me?
[Fred Casely]
Yeah, kid. lt's all arranged.
[Velma Kelly]
Find a flask
We're playing fast and loose
And all that jazz
Right up here
Is where I store the juice
And all that jazz
Come on, babe
We're gonna brush the sky
I bet you lucky Lindy
Never flew so high
'Cause in the stratosphere
How could he lend an ear
to all
that
Jazz?
Oh, you're gonna see your sheba shimmy shake
[Company]
And all that jazz
[Velma Kelly]
Oh, she's gonna shimmy 'till her garters break
[Company]
And all that jazz
[Velma Kelly]
Show her where to park her girdle
Oh, her mother's blood'd curdle
[Company]
If she'd hear her baby's queer
[Velma Kelly]
For all that jazz
[Roxie Hart]
Oh!
- Hello, Mrs. Borusewicz.
[Mrs. Borusewicz]
- Mrs. Hart.
[Roxie Hart]
This is Fred. He's my brother.
[Velma Kelly]
All that jazz
Come on, babe
Why Don't we paint
The town?
And all that jazz
And all that jazz
I'm gonna *
Rouge my knees
And roll my *
Stockings down
And all that jazz
And all that jazz
Start the car
I know a whoopee spot
Where the gin is cold
But the piano's hot
It's just a noisy hall
Where there's a nightly brawl
And all
that
jazz
[Roxie Hart]
Say it again.
[Fred Casely]
You're a star, kid. My little shooting star!
[Velma Kelly]
No, I'm no one's wife
But, Oh, I love my life
And all that Jazz!
That Jazz!
[Roxie Hart]
Say it again, Fred.
[Fred Casely]
Jesus.
[Roxie Hart]
Hey, why is the hurry? Amos ain't be home until midnight. Freddie? Fred? Hey,
you know, I don't like you to feel like I'm nagging or anything. But don't you
think it's about time for me to meet your friend down at the Onyx? It's been a
month since you told him about me. And I know. Cause that was the night that
Velma Kelly, plugged her husband and her sister. You know, they said you
found them in a kit together. Boy if Amos opened it to somebody else. I
throw him a party. A great big goin� away party.
[Fred Casely]
It's getting late.
[Roxie Hart]
You know, I've been thinking a lot about my act. Whenever I get a really good
idea, I write it down at my diary before it gets out of my head. And you know
what I realized? The other day, that all the really knock-out acts. Have something
more different going on, you know? Like, a signature bed. And I thought my
thing could be a loaf. Give them just enough to get good an� hungry but always leave
�em wantin� more. Once I get a name for myself. Maybe we can open up a club
of our own, you know? You could run it, and I could be the headliner.
[Fred Casely]
Get off.
[Roxie Hart]
What's the idea?
[Fred Casely]
Wake up, kiddo, you aren't never gonna have an act.
[Roxie Hart]
Says who?
[Fred Casely]
Face it, Roxie. You're two bit talent with skinny legs. And l'm just a
furniture salesman.
[Roxie Hart]
But you got connections. You know, that guy down the club...
[Fred Casely]
There is no guy.
[Roxie Hart]
Yeah, that night...
[Fred Casely]
It's the first time I set foot in that joint. I was collecting on a bet from
the trombone player.
[Roxie Hart]
So you never told anyone about me?
[Fred Casely]
Sugar, you're hot stuff. I would say anything to get a piece of that.
[Roxie Hart]
And now? Now?
[Fred Casely]
We had some laughs. Let's just leave it at that.
[Roxie Hart]
Fred... You can't do this to me.
[Fred Casely]
You get off! You touch me again, I'll put your lights out.
[Roxie Hart]
Wait...
[Fred Casely]
Your husband will be home soon, why don't you watch yourself before you go
head into shit again.
[Roxie Hart]
You're a liar, Fred.
[Fred Casely]
Oh, yeah, so what?
[Roxie Hart]
You lied to me...
[Fred Casely]
Yeah, That�s life, honey.
[Roxie Hart]
You lied to me...
[Fred Casely]
That's right, sweetheart. That's right.
[Roxie Hart]
You son of a bitch, Son of a bitch!... (shoot) You son of a bitch!
[Company]
Hatcha! Whopee!
[Photographer]
Why you bothering, Sal? This one's all wrapped up. I hear it's a new city
record. From killing to confession in an hour flat.
[Sergeant Fogarty]
Why did you get a murder weapon?
[Amos Hart]
I keep a gun in the underwear drawer. Just in case it trouble, you know.
[Sergeant Fogarty]
That's just fine. Sign right there, Mr. Hart.
[Amos Hart]
Freely and gladly, freely and gladly.
[Sergeant Fogarty]
And mind that you don't say we beat it out of you when you�re up at the
witness stand.
[Amos Hart]
No, I give myself up. Surrender at my own free will.
[Martin Harrison]
Aren�t you the cheerful murderer.
[Roxie Hart]
Shooting a burglar ain't murder. Just last week jury sent a man
[Martin Harrison]
I'm always grateful for citizens who know the law. Get in there. You too. Sit
down. Okay, from the top.
[Amos Hart]
A man has got the right to protect his home and his love ones, right?
[Martin Harrison]
Of course he has.
[Amos Hart]
Well, I come home from the garage, I see him climbing through the window.
[Martin Harrison]
Aha!
[Amos Hart]
With my wife Roxie lying there, sleeping like an angel.
[Martin Harrison]
ls that true, Mrs. Hart?
[Amos Hart]
I'm telling you, that's the truth. My wife has nothing to do with it. She won't
hurt a worm. Not even a worm. It wasn�t until I fired the first shot, that she even
opened her eyes. She�s some sleeper, she is. I always say she could sleep through
the St. Patty�s Day Parade. When I think of what would happen if I went off for a
beer with the guys instead of coming straight home, it makes me sick even thinkin� about it...
[Announcer]
For her first number, Ms. Roxie Hart would like to sing a song of Love and
Devotion. Dedicated to her dear husband, Amos.
[Roxie]
Sometime's I'm right
Sometime's I'm wrong
But he doesn't care
He'll String along
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine
Sometime's I'm down
Sometime's I'm up
But he follows 'round
Like some droopy-eyed pup
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine
[Amos Hart]
Like I said, even though I shot him, he kept coming at me. So I had to pull
the trigger again.
[Roxie Hart]
He ain't no sheik
That's no great physique
And Lord knows he ain't got the smarts
Oh but look at that soul
I tell you that whole
Is a whole lot greater than
The sum of his parts
And if you knew him like me
I know you'd agree
What if the world
Slandered my name?
Why he'd be right there
Taking the blame
He loves me so
And it all suits me fine
That funny sunny honey
Hubby of mine
[Amos Hart]
And supposed if... just supposed he violated her or something. You know what
I mean, violated?
[Martin Harrison]
l know what you mean.
[Amos Hart]
Or something. Think how terrible it'd have been. It's good thing I got home
from work on time. - I'm telling you that.
[Roxie Hart]
He loves me so
That funny honey of mine
[Amos Hart]
I say I'm telling you that.
[Martin Harrison]
The name of deceased is Fred Casely.
[Amos Hart]
Fred Casely? How could he be a burglar? My wife knows him. He sold us our
furniture. He gave us 10% off.
[Roxie Hart]
Lord knows he ain't got the smarts
[Martin Harrison]
You told me he was the burglar? - You mean he was dead when you got home?
[Amos Hart]
She had him covered in a sheet and she�s telling me some cock and bull story about
this burglar, and how I otta say I did it because I was sure to get off. 'Help me, Amos.'
she said, 'lt's my goddamn hour of need.'
[Roxie Hart]
Now he shot off his trap
I can't stand that sap
[Amos Hart]
And I believed that cheap little tramp. So she's two timing me, huh? And I�m
through protecting her now, she can swing for all I care... Boy, I'm down at
the garage workin� my butt 14 hours a day. And she's up minchin� on bon-bons?
And trampin� around like some goddamn floosy! She thought she could pull
the wool over my eyes. Well, I wasn�t born yesterday, I tell ya, there�s some
things a man just can�t take and this time she pushed me too far. �I didn't shoot
him.� Boy, what a sap I was!
[Roxie Hart]
Look at him go, Ratting on me!
Why, with just one more brain
what a helf-wit he�d be.
If they string me up
Well I�ll know who brought the crime
That scummy, crummy, dummie!
Hubby of mine.
[Roxie Hart]
You double-crosser! You big bluffer mouth! You promised you'd stay...
[Amos Hart]
What're you talking about? You've been setting me up, Roxie!
[Roxie Hart]
Goddamn it!
[Amos Hart]
You told me it was a burglar! The whole time you've been jazzing...
[Roxie Hart]
You are a disloyal husband! Look, it's true. l shoot him. But it was
self-defense. He was trying to burgle me.
[Martin Harrison]
From what l hear, he's been burglin� you three times a week for the last month.
So what do you say, Mrs.?
[Neighbor]
That's him, all right.
[Martin Harrison]
Thank you. Your story doesn't fly, Mrs. Hart. So try this to emphasize. Fred
Casely was a good time on the side but goofy here is a meal ticket.
[Roxie Hart]
Meal ticket? He couldn't buy my liquor.
[Martin Harrison]
And Fred Casely could? With a wife and five little Caselys? Or did he forget to mention them?
[Roxie Hart]
What?
[Martin Harrison]
Oh, yes, all his.
[Roxie Hart]
That bastard! That bastard! Yeah, I killed him. I�d kill him again!
[Martin Harrison]
Once was enough. Take her downtown. Come on.
[Reporter]
Take off! This way, honey. Oh, come on. lt's a shame to hide such a beautiful
face. Why you shoot him, honey? Why don't you give a profile, a little smile
like the girl in the toothpaste ad?
[Martin Harrison]
Take while you can. The case is down. District attorney Harrison says this is
a hanging case.
[Roxie Hart]
Hanging?
[Martin Harrison]
I'm ready to go to the jury tomorrow.
[Roxie Hart]
Wait a minute, what do you mean hanging?
[Martin Harrison]
Not so tough anymore, are you? Take her to the Cooke County Jail.
[Reporter]
Come on, sweetie. Headline. What did you shoot him? Is it...
[Roxie Hart]
Hey, what do you mean hanging?
[Warden]
...Caffeine, cocaine or opium? Arm length. 31 inches... The matrons are on
the way. So don't get too cozy. Put off that cigarette!
[Liz]
Ever had Morton before? She's fine... as long as you keep her happy.
[Announcer]
And now, ladies and gentlemen. The keeper of the keys, the countess of the
clink, the mistress of murderers' row. Matron Mama Morton!
[Mama Morton]
Ask any of the chickies in my pen
They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother hen
I love 'em all and all of them love me
Because the system works
The system called reciprocity...
[Warden]
On your feet.
[Mama Morton]
Welcome, ladies.
Got a little motto
Always sees me through
"When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you".
You might think l'd make your life a living hell, which is not true.
There's a lot of favors
I'm prepared to do
You do one for Mama
She'll do one for you.
l'd be your friend if you let me.
So if something upsets you
or makes you unhappy in any way,
don't shoot your fat-ass mouth off to me
'cause l won't give a shit. Now move it out.
They say that life is tit for tat
And that's the way I live
So, I deserve a lot of tat
For what I've got to give
Don't you know that this hand
Washes that one too
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you!
[Warden]
Let's go!
[Mama Morton]
You must be Hart. You're a pretty one.
[Roxie Hart]
Thank you, ma'am.
[Mama Morton]
Oh, no, you call me Mama? We�re here to take care of you. Now, you'll be habi tatin down
in the east block. Murderers' Row, we call it.
[Roxie Hart]
Oh, is that nicer? I don't think I really belong here. I didn't actually
do anything wrong.
[Mama Morton]
Don't need to tell me, honey.
I've never heard of a man getting killed who didn�t get just what was comin�
to him.
[Velma Kelly]
Hey, mama. Come here.
[Roxie Hart]
Velma Kelly? You're the Velma Kelly? You know I was there that night? I was
there that night that you got arrested.
[Velma Kelly]
Yeah, you're a half of Chicago. Look at this, Mama. Another story
announcing me in Redbook magazine. Not in memory do we recall so fiendish
a double homicide.
[Mama Morton]
Baby, you couldn't buy that kind of publicity.
[Velma Kelly]
Couldn't buy it? I guess I can keep these then.
[Mama Morton]
Nice try.
If you want my gravy
Pepper my ragout
Spice it up for Mama
She'll get hot for you
When they pass that basket
Folks contribute to
You put in for Mama
She'll put out for you
The folks atop the ladder
Are the ones the world adores
So boost me up my ladder, Kid
And I'll boost you up yours
Let's all stroke together
Like the Princeton crew
When you're strokin' Mama
Mama's strokin' you
So what's the one conclusion
I can bring this number to?
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you!
Oh, yeah!
[Roxie Hart]
Mama? It's... kinda freezing in here. You don't think maybe there's something
wrong with the heat? Not that I'm complaining, mind you but... you know... lf
you got a couple of blankets tucked away...
[Mama Morton]
Lights out, ladies.
[Liz]
Pop.
[Annie]
Six.
[June]
Squish.
[Hunyak]
Uh-Uh.
[Velma]
Cicero.
[Mona]
Lipschitz!
[Announcer]
And now, the six merry murderers from the Cooke county jail in their rendition
of The Cell-block Tango.
[Liz]
Pop.
[Annie]
Six.
[June]
Squish.
[Hunyak]
Uh-Uh.
[Velma]
Cicero.
[Mona]
Lipschitz!
[Liz]
Pop.
[Annie]
Six.
[June]
Squish.
[Hunyak]
Uh-Uh.
[Velma]
Cicero.
[Mona]
Lipschitz!
[All Murderess's]
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
[Velma]
I betcha you would have done the same!
[Liz]
Pop.
[Annie]
Six.
[June]
Squish.
[Hunyak]
Uh-Uh.
[Velma]
Cicero.
[Mona]
Lipschitz!
[Liz]
Pop.
[Annie]
Six.
[June]
Squish.
[Hunyak]
Uh-Uh.
[Velma]
Cicero.
[Mona]
Lipschitz!
[Liz]
You know how people have these little habits that get you down. Like Bernie.
Bernie liked to chew gum. No, not chew. Pop. So, I came home this one day and
I am really irritated, and looking for a little sympathy and there's Bernie
layin' on the couch, drinkin' a beer and chewin'. No, not chewin'. Popin'. So,
I said to him, I said, "Bernie, you pop that gum one more time..."
And he did!
So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots...
...into his head.
[All Murderess's]
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have heard it
I betcha you would
Have done the same!
[Annie]
I met Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake City about two years ago and he told me he
was single and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd
go to work, he'd come home, I'd mix Him a drink, we'd have dinner.
And then I found out, "Single" he told me? Single, my ass. Not only was he
married. ...oh, no, he had six wives. One of those Mormons, you know? So that
night when he came home from work. I mixed him his drink as usual.
You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic!
[All without Annie]
Hah! He had it coming / Pop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh,
He had it coming / Cicero, Lipschitz!
He took a flower
In its prime
And the he used it / Pop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh,
And he abused it / Cicero, Lipschitz!
It was a murder
But not a crime!
[June]
Now, I'm standing in the kitchen carvin' up the chicken for dinner, minding my
own business, and in storms my husband Wilbur, in a jealous rage. "You been
screwin' the milkman," he says. He was crazy and he kept on screamin' "You
been screwin' the milkman," And then he ran into my knife! He ran into my
knife TEN TIMES!
[All Murderess's]
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same!
[Hunyak]
Mit keresek, enn itt? Azt mondjok, hogy lakem lefogta a ferjemet en meg
lecsaptam a fejet. De nem igaz, en artatlan vagyok. Nem tudom mert mondja
Uncle Sam hogy en tetten. Probaltam a rendorsegen megmagyarazni de nem
ertettek meg...
[Roxie Hart]
Yeah, but did you do it?
[Hunyak]
UH UH, not guilty!
[Velma]
My sister, Veronica, and I had this double act and my husband, Charlie,
traveled around with us. Now for the last number in our act, we did these 20
acrobatic tricks in a row, one, two, three, four, five... Splits, spread
eagles, back flips, flip flops, one right after the other. Well, this one
night before the show we are in a hotel Cicero, the three of us, sittin' up
in a hotel room, boozin' and havin' a few laughs and we ran out of ice, so I
went out to get some. I come back, open the door And there's Veronica and
Charlie doing Number Seventeen -the spread eagle.
Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out. I can't
remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my
hands I even knew they were dead.
[Velma, Girls]
They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming all along.
I didn't do it/ She does not do it
But if I'd done it (she'd done it)
How could you tell me that I was wrong?
They had it coming/ They had it coming
They had it coming/ They had it coming
They had it coming/ They took a flower
All along/ In its prime
I didn't do it/ And then they used it
But if I'd done it/ And they abused it
How could you tell me/ It was a murder
That I was wrong? / But not a crime!
[Mona]
I love Al Lipschitz More than I can possibly say. He was a real artistic
guy... Sensitive...a painter. He was always trying to find himself. He'd go
out every night looking for himself and along the way he found Ruth, Gladys,
Rosemary and Irving.
I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw
himself as alive and I saw him dead.
[All Murderess's]
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
[All without Mona]
They had it comin'/ They had it comin'
They had it comin'/ They had it comin'
They had it comin'/ They had it comin'
All along/ All along
'Cause if they used us/ 'Cause if they used us
And they abused us/ And they abused us
How could you tell us/ How could you tell us
That we were wrong?/ That we were wrong?
[Velma, June, Hunyak]
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had
Himself
To blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha
You would
Have done
The same!
[Liz]
You pop that gum one more time!
[Annie]
Single my ass.
[June]
Ten times!
[Hunyak]
Miert csukott Uncle Sam bortonbe.
[Velma]
Number Seventeen - the spread eagle.
[Mona]
Artistic differences.
[Liz]
Pop.
[Annie]
Six.
[June]
Squish.
[Hunyak]
Uh-Uh.
[Velma]
Cicero.
[Mona]
Lipschitz!