In the beginning, men wore wigs and women didn't vote. The second half of which Archie Bunker would have enthusiastically approved of.
In 1789, America chose it's first President. In the years since, Americans have chosen many more such men, equal to or lesser in stature, accomplishment and dental hygiene. In 2000, Americans experienced one of the closest elections ever, followed by the most bitter and contentious politically partisan and lawyerly- motivated clusterflock of a post-election goat rodeo ever to dominate and (dis)grace the political landscape.
As in 2000, America -- or potentially a panel of judges -- will again choose a President who will build on the accomplishments of the first President of the New Millennium, or do his or her damnest to fix or fudge them, depending on what those so-called 'accomplishments' amounted to.
Either way, due to the increasingly inflexible and contentious relationship between the two primary parties and ideologies in charge of government, expect as bitter a war of words, disinformation and legal dysfunction, as you experienced in 2000, if not moreso.
However, in 2004 Americans will find that they have yet another choice: The National Barking Spider Resurgence Party.
Today's National Barking Spider Resurgence Party is truly determined to renew America's most basic bargains: triple coupon Saturdays and ballots even a child can fathom. The National Barking Spider Resurgence Party stands for opportunity, responsibility and a sense of community, all of which is obligatory to state in any viable press release. For values are what this country is about -- unless you're a liberal Democrap, then you have none -- and the values of the National Barking Spider Resurgence Party are those that helped this great nation rise to the levels of greatness and renown it achieved in the 20th Century.
Then came post-election efforts to use deliberate misinformation, law suits and legal chicanery to nullify an election and the Constitution, and it nearly went to phfffffft.
The National Barking Spider Resurgence Party believes that truth in government is poobah -- the Democraps certainly do -- but unlike our Democrap and Republican't counterparts, we will at least be honest about it. We will work to make government function in a way that you might not be able to fathom, like the tax code, but you won't find too intrusive or pompous. Unlike the same, or either of the current parties now ensconsed in Fortress DC.
We of the National Barking Spider Resurgence Party will not -- unlike our Democrap counterparts -- treat the rule of law like a used kleenex when it doesn't suit our objectives; and unlike our Republican't counterparts, will not legislate morality from the oft-hypocritical halls of Congress. We'll do it over Happy Hour at the local bowling alley, where everyday rationale and morality is more likely to be found. And unlike the myriad of fractionalized third parties, we won't propose totally impractical, moonbeamish programs, such as a world without cars or flushing toilets, 100% taxation on income above $107,000, etc.
We will look at global warming as a threat to the world ice cream supply, however. No price is too high when such threats arise.
Ultimately, we of the National Barking Spider Resurgence Party will pledge to develop and communicate a series of reasoned and thoughtfully-prepared policy statements and objectives, designed to maintain our economic strength, secure our frontiers and other airlines, overhaul and provide for real equity in taxation, work to educate and eliminate grievances and inequities in race, creed, religion, sex, and crustaceans. We will work to promote and achieve safer streets, lower crime, a cleaner environment, less class envy, meatloaf on Wednesdays, and try hard to provide for a second grader to help explain ballots in every Florida precinct (especially those in undereducated Democrap-controlled precincts), as well as those in DC, NY, CA, MI, and any other state in which the liberal, intellectually-bankrupt educraps and teachers unions have sold public education out to the politics of 'duh squared'.
Most importantly, the National Barking Spider Resurgence Party will operate this campaign for the Presidency without the tainted, compromising touch of PAC or other fiscal contributions. We will eschew* TV and radio attack ads, and we will not sink to such a level as to employ private investigators, partisan hacks or Constitution-hating liberal lawyers in efforts to smear, dig up or make up dirt on our opponents.
Our campaign and whatever smearing therefrom will be run from this low-cost, humble format.
The year 2004 can be a time of profound change. Be a part of that profoundity by supporting the National Barking Spider Resurgence Party as your party of choice for the Presidency in 2004.
We promise we won't demand multiple vote recounts with dishonest standards and sue for victory, if you don't.