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December 17th 2004
“Hello?”
“Tom. Hey, listen, my parents are coming over to spend Christmas with us in Cali, so I’ll be home in the next few days. And um, we should probably talk to your parents, invite them as well.”
“Jamie.” Tom can’t think of anything more to say, hearing her voice for the first time in over a month when he’s gotten used to waking up to it. He hears her sigh.
“Tom, we’ll have to talk.“
He can picture the way she’s probably dragging her free hand through her hair.
“Okay.” he says, thinking that talking would probably be a good thing.
“So, I’ll see you.”
“Yeah.” he swallows. “Bye.”
-|- He goes to the airport to pick up Jamie. Pulls her into his arms like he used to and after a moment of hesitation that scares him more than he knew it could, she hugs him back. But it’s quick and he can feel the tension in her body, the difference from before. The distance between them is even wider now, as he's feared it would be. The drive is quiet and he doesn’t know what to say to her any more than she does. Doesn’t know how to fix this and doesn’t particularly want to and that isn’t right. Nothing is, the way it is now.
“Tom.”
He turns and blinks at her before looking back at the road. His hands have tightened on the steering wheel, knuckles turned white.
“We’re here.”
Smiles ruefully out of reflex and gets them inside. Jamie’s avoiding his touch and it hurts on some level, but is a relief on another though he refuses to think about why. Part of him feels awkward trying to acquiesce to her wishes while the rest of him wants to physically force the two them back together. But that makes him think of unattracted poles of two pieces of magnets, where constant overpowering physical force is all that can keep them together. He wants to hold her until she explains and he’s so sure they could work it out if only she does. He has to believe.“Would you like something to eat? Drink?” He goes over to the fridge and opens it while she shakes her head at him.
“No thanks, I’m tired, but I should probably tell you now, since my inhibition is lower.”
He closes the door and turns to face her. “Tell me.”
“Yeah. I'm..." she clears her throat and starts again, "Let’s...go sit down. First.” walks toward the living room, sitting down on one end of the closest couch and motioning for him to take the one facing her. “Well. See, I’ve been thinking a lot, while I was away and I figured out a lot of things. About me, and you and how I am when I'm with you. And…the one thing I couldn’t figure out is why we’re not together, but we’re married.” She holds up a hand to ward off his protest.
“No, hear me out. I know I started this, it was my idea. But I’m trying to tell you why. I...I had this long conversation with my mother and I..." she gave a deep sigh, "...couldn’t tell her that I hadn’t seen you for months. And by choice. She doesn’t know, so I invited her and dad to spend Christmas with us. I thought we might tell them then, you know, make this as civilized as possible.“Make what civilized? You still haven’t told me.”
“Oh.” She stares at the carpet, before calmly saying “I think we should get divorced.”
They're quick words that fall like stones into the silent pool of the air around them and Tom feels the blood rushing in his temples, pounding in his ears, halting in a sickening lurch. He doesn’t move for a few seconds until he realizes that he hasn’t heard wrong.
Because she’s hurrying on, before he can interrupt.“Our marriage has been in name only, for most of the past couple years. It’s not really that we don’t get along, but that that’s all we do. Get along. And we don’t really want any more than that. Whatever it is between us, it’s not what it used to be...it’s not what I...there’s no point in us being together if we're not...together.”
-|- “It was something that you heard
He was sleeping left you shaken
While he stirred
But you were awake and you will
Make him eat his words
Just make him eat his words
Right off the plate.”--BNL “Off the Hook”
Jamie looked up only to find him silently blinking at the floor. “Tom?”
He got up to stand in front of her, going down to his knees as he reached out to touch her cheek softly. “Jamie.”
She didn’t move away from the touch, but pled with her eyes closed, “Don’t, Tommy, please.”He shook his head, “Is that what you’ve been thinking? All this time I’ve been waiting for you. To come home. To tell me what it is that made you go away. Because that’s what you did, Jamie, you went away. And I know things haven’t been perfect, but I don’t know how to do this right. There was no test drive, no preparatory courses. We’re married. We’re supposed to fix this…this whatever it is. We don’t just give up because something’s wrong and we don’t know what it is.”
She was biting her lip, and a tear slid down her cheek. He brushed it away with his thumb and leaned over to kiss the corner of her mouth, coaxing it into opening under his before making his way down to her throat. She didn’t fight him, tangling her fingers in his hair instead and directing him the way she used to. So he picked her up, legs straddling his waist, to carry her to their bed.
Their kisses were short and fevered and she could feel the desperation echoing in him as she moved against him, crying. She realized that they both were, when their tears mingled.“I love you,” he whispered in her ear as she was sobbing soundlessly against his shoulder and he held her until they both fell asleep.
-|- Jamie woke to find Tom snuggling against her, with a half smile on his face, still asleep. She considered moving closer, and froze as she heard a sleep-ridden murmur against her ear.
Swallowed the bile rising in her throat as she rose out of bed and pulled on her clothes as quickly as she could. It wasn’t until the cool doorknob was turning in her hand that she heard a voice behind her, thick and warm with sleep, sending little bolts of pain through her that she’d never imagined she could feel.“Where’re you going?”
She refused to turn and look, responding quietly instead, “Out.”
“...When will you be back?”
She had to turn around for this, blinking fast to keep her eyes from spilling as she said as calmly as she could. “I don’t know. I don’t think I will be.”
“Ja--”
“No, Tom.”
A long and frustrated sigh from him and wasn’t it funny that he was the one to make that sound when he had no right? Her mouth tightened.
“Why?”
“If I really have to tell you...” She searched his face and realized with a sinking feeling that he didn’t know. “I’m not the one you want in your bed.” She finished softly, walking out before he could reply or she could change her mind.