November 2004
“I know she knows it’s not right,
There ain't no use in lying
Maybe she thinks I know something
Maybe maybe she thinks it's fine
Maybe she knows something I don't
I'm so, I'm so tired , I'm so tired of trying” --Jack Johnson, “Flake”
“Tom?”
“Hey Jamie, how’re you?”
“I’m alright. Things okay back home?”
“Yeah, pretty much, I mean, it’s just me. And Mike, a lot of the time. He practically lives here, not that I mind.”
“Oh.”
“So when will you be back?”
“Uh, that’s kind of why I called…”
“I was getting worried, y’know, you hadn’t called for a few weeks but I didn’t want to…you know. I figured you’d call me when you felt like it.”
“…Yes. Um, I was calling to say that I’m not sure. I don’t know if I will be back. I…we need to talk, at some point, but not now, I’m on my way somewhere, but I just had to tell you. Because I’d finally just decided on something.”
“Jamie? Jamie, wait…what do you mean…”
“Tom, I’m sorry, I’ve got to go right now. Don’t call me, I’ll call you again when I…when I can, okay? Don’t worry about it.”
“…Alright, bye.”
He isn’t sure about what’s going on, but he’s decided to let Jamie call the shots since he doesn’t really know what it is their marriage is going through. So he'll wait for her to phone and come home, and then figure it all out. For now, it's a late L.A. afternoon and he hasn’t planned anything in particular to do. Tom likes days like this where he can lay down to just think for a bit. Only, he finds himself going over their conversation--consisting of Jamie talking and Tom being too distracted to do more than agree with her--back in late June.
“A break.” she had said, “a little bit of time apart. Well, not really a little, but you know, everyone needs that. We’ve both got different places to be and things to do and we’ll deal with this when we see each other again.” He’d agreed because he had the feeling that she’d run if he pushed too far. He hadn’t known what it was, or how to fix it. Hadn’t even realized anything was wrong until she suggested that they spend the rest of the year on their own. He’d tried talking then, trying to figure out what was wrong. But she hadn’t been able to explain more than needing time. Alone.
He’d thought that marriage meant being past the stage of needing space, but how would he know? He hadn’t known where to go for advice and had been reluctant to go looking for it. So they’d done as she wanted, with Tom going off to shoot Smallville in Vancouver without her right after their anniversary, and Jamie going on a months-long modeling trip that her agent had been persuading her to try for a while.The new season of Smallville started a while ago and aside from the occasional press conference for his current movie or the show, Tom has nothing to do but be at home. It isn’t that hard to get back into the rhythm of living alone, even if the house feels empty because he knows it's meant to be theirs, not just his. What disturbs him most is that the amount of time Mike spends with Tom in this house seems to make up for that emptiness. Most days, he doesn’t even remember she’s missing, and that’s just…not the way it should be. But he has already dealt with the issue of Mike.
After that one time of raw, open, almost confession in Vancouver, he and Mike have been nothing but friends. The need to control himself around Mike has become second nature, due to how much they have to be around each other while shooting for Smallville and now, even on his off-time. Sometimes the memory of that night and the morning after seems like a gold-hazed dream and he isn’t quite sure if Mike has ever felt the way he does. What matters is that they shouldn't.
Tom tells himself so every time he finds himself staring too long at Mike when he doesn’t know he’s being watched. Every time the idea of Mike so close and possibly doing anything and Mike just letting him becomes almost too impossible to fight. Every time the rough-pale edges of Mike’s lips and how they look soft enough to need a touch to ascertain their reality overpower his senses, and maybe Tom just wants to taste that tongue slipping out not-quite-so-nervously but not really teasing, just, there. And rows of shiny teeth that would be clenched if Tom ever has the chance to… Not that he lets himself dwell on that for very long, very often.No, he’s been completely faithful to Jamie and their marriage, physically, because that’s what people do when they get married. Even famous people. Especially famous people. He’s going to be successful in marriage, just like his parents, but without the unhappiness, because he and Jamie do love each other and they’re friends before anything else. They’ll stay together not because of tradition, but because they want to. He can do this.
*
Michael knocked on the door and used his own keys to get in when he heard no answer--Tom had given them to him with a sheepish smile and a 'Since I have problems getting the door sometimes' a few weeks after Jamie had been away and Mike had had to resort to calling inside the house with his cell from the front door to get a response. He found Tom lying on the couch with an arm thrown over his head.
“Tom?”
He sat up startled, saying “..Mike, hey, what’s up?” and blinked. It was cute. In the way that everything Tom did when he was fuzzy from being nearly asleep was cute.
“I was just driving by on my way to pick up some movies and stuff, going to hang out with my cousin and sister who are in town. They want a night in. Thought I’d check on you, just in case you wanted to come too, if you didn’t have much to do.” And I just wanted to see you. And I don't really have any control over where I drive myself when thinking of you, even if I'm supposed to be heading home. Not that he'd ever say that out loud.
“Oh.”
“You alright? You look a little out of it, did you fall asleep?”
“No, no I’m fine. I uh…I was talking to Jamie and then…No, I didn’t fall asleep.”
Michael was nodding thoughtfully. Chick drama. Time to cut a guy some slack and let him deal with it cause that was just life.
“Jamie, huh? Wanna talk about it?” But this wasn't like any other time. Really. It was Tom, and, Tom liked to talk. Sometimes.
“Um. Let me get my jacket…” Tom went over to the closet and followed Mike out the door to his van.
“So?” Michael looked at him as he slid into the passenger seat of the van.
“So, what?” Tom rolled his eyes and looked away, “I’m not a girl Mike, I don’t need emotional support.”
Michael snorted, “You’re so…teenage.”
“That’s the best you can do?” Tom grinned, raising an eyebrow and Michael just lost it.
The bright flash of Tom’s teeth, sharp in the night air making him want with an almost tangible ache. He attempted to smirk but ended up smiling softly as he concentrated on keeping his eyes on the road and not on Tom. He’d had lots of practice these past couple months.
Tom and Jamie were going through some thing and he didn’t know what it was but he knew well enough to leave them alone. Offering Tom the comfort of friendship whenever he felt Tom needed it because, married or not, he was still just another guy.He worried about Tom sometimes, and tried to stay close and be helpful and platonic. As platonic as it was humanly possible to be anyway, with someone as gorgeous as Tom. He sometimes worried that he could really come just by being around Tom all the time. It didn't seem that far-fetched at times, when he was just too close and couldn't get his eyes away from a bared patch of skin. From Tom licking his lips when they'd gone dry. From the rough catch of his voice when he was speaking quietly. How could Jamie stay away from this for so long, what the hell was she doing?
It wasn’t that Tom had become unhealthy, well, physically. Mike had seen to that. But there was that lost look in Tom’s eyes, like he’d done something wrong and didn’t know what it was. Mixed in was the confused determination Mike took as a sign of how much he loved Jamie. Mike wanted everything to be alright between them just to make that look go away. Bring more of those blinding bright smiles back into his face even when he was alone.
Michael told himself that it was because he was a good friend. Because they were friends and that‘s what friends did for each other--help out and listen, not break up marriages.
“You sure she’s not seeing someone else, or something?” he bit his tongue, but continued, “I mean, she’s been away for so long, in the name of just ‘giving space’…”
Tom was refusing to look at him, not that he wanted to face Tom at the moment anyway.“Yeah. Believe it or not Mike, I’ve actually already thought of that, and decided that that’s not it. Or at least, not all of it.” A sardonic laugh that was too bitter to fit the Tom he knew cut through the air. “I’m more confused than anything else, really. About her, about me, about…everything.”
Mike made a noncommittal noise that he hoped served for “Go on.”
“I don’t know what we’re doing anymore. I know we should work it out, whatever it is, and I’ll try my best. But…” Tom sighed, sounding so very tired. “I just don’t know.”