| By the time my Master progressed to unsafe S&M practices and sex I was totally committed to him and could not imagine even living without him. You see most of us know that it is not the physical Domming that makes the bond, it is the emotional Domming.
I was Dommed hook line and sinker. I felt wonderful knowing that I was wanted appreciated and I loved the attention he gave me. I would do anything to please him. Unfortunately pleasing him meant very sadistic practices. I totally trusted him and can not tell you what a hold this man had over me. He knew the right things to say and through it all I still believe that he loved me. Our S&M practices were now what I can call bizarre I can not go into this also as it is to painful for me. Besides I don't think people still believe that I was whipped over 500 times in a single session. I know this because I counted. I was taken to an S&M Club where I was whipped, caned, cropped, beaten till I bled. I would have large blood clots on my breasts. I felt happy that I pleased him. I thought I was a great sub. Lioness can attest to this as she stopped a scene that Master was doing with me out of concern for me. Lord Laurent can also attest to this as he saw me, Dommed and expressed his concern to me. He told me when I was being Dommed I was not even there and I wasn't I was in another place. I was in the frame of mind that nothing could stop me from pleasing Master and I would endure anything. He told me that what Master had just done to me was not being Dommed it was being abused. I felt like the good sub when I told Master this. He told me that people just didn't understand that there were different levels of S&M and we were just hard core and that I should be proud that I could endure what their subs could not. I was proud. Master would call me at 1:30 in the morning -- he worked nights and have me drive almost an hour to rub his feet for 45 minutes on his dinner break. I would drive back home after that. What did I get in return -- the pride of knowing I pleased him. The pride of knowing that I was real-time and not cyber. Besides we also did vanilla things like go to dinner or movies. Of course I paid most of the time. I also was becoming a very respected sub online and that was very important to me. Masters would tell me they wished I was their sub. I now realise in a sick way this was all making me feel good and important. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In February of 95 I started to feel sick. I went to the doctor and to make a long story short I found out I had HepB. I was upset and scared. The hardest thing was having to have all my children and husband have blood tests for HepB. They all came back negative but had to have three shots each. I had to eat out of paper plates and couldn't kiss my own children. I felt like a leper. My selfishness had caused my children to suffer. Watching my son cry knowing he had to have a shot and knowing it was because of me is something that brings tears to me even now. I thought it could not get any worse. I was so sick. I had a rash and the highest temperature of my life. I still went to my Master. I still rubbed his feet for hours. I still pleased him. I remember running a high fever with a bladder infection so bad I was bleeding. It didn't stop him from the fisting or the whippings. Continue |