"Somebody help me... Claire... help me, Alex..."
Tess woke with a start, the tears still streaming out of her eyes, making it so hard to even open them. Her whole body trembled but she didn't feel it. She wasn't sure if she had screamed out loud although the words were echoing in her mind over and over again. For a split second she held on to the hope that it had just been a nightmare, a bad dream and unreal. How could it be reality? How could she still be there when Claire wasn't? "Tess..." Alex pushed the ajar door to her room open and rushed over to her. Her frantic and dolorous scream cut to his core, adding that much more magnitude to his own pain and sorrow. Only a few hours ago his life, their life, was full of happiness and laughter and now there was nothing but pain. It only took minutes, seconds only to change. Life's a bitch and then you die, just like that. Everybody was gathered in the kitchen except them. They were in a world of their own, separate and different, but still the same. Their world didn't turn anymore, it was locked in an indefinite loop and inaccessible for others. Tess' room was dark but he spotted her immediately. She was sitting on her bed, rocking herself back and forth and staring blankly into space. "Tess," Alex repeated softly so he wouldn't scare her any further. "I'm here," he didn't know what he was doing or why, he was on auto pilot and he had been ever since Tess came running with Charlotte, crying for Claire, crying for help and crying for him. He hadn't been able to save Claire, he couldn't even help her and then he left Tess and Charlotte alone, too. He came back later, he had to, but by then Tess had fallen deeper into shock, too deep for anybody to reach her. She sat in the same chair in Claire's room and she was still holding Charlotte. Meg as well as Nick had tried to take her away from Tess to put the sleeping baby into her cradle, but she refused to let go. She only allowed Alex to guide her and BOM out of the room and didn't object when he made her go to bed either. "It should've been me, not Claire. Charlotte needs her mum, not her aunt. You need Claire, but I'm redundant, nobody needs me. I already accepted that I'd die. It should be me.." her voice was strangely void of emotion. It was as if she'd detached herself from everything. "That's bullshit, Tess," Alex cut her short, placing his hands on her shoulders and stopping her incessant and steady movement almost forcefully. "Right, there's nothing I wouldn't do to... undo the accident, to keep the brumby away, to delay you for a couple of minutes... anything to have Claire here with me, but exchanging her life for yours? Charlotte's life for Claire's?" Fresh tears brimmed in his red and swollen eyes. "Yours for both of them? Any version is as horrible as the next." Tess turned her head away, staring out of the window and obviously starting to block Alex out as well. "I can't sleep, I can't even close my eyes without seeing the abyss and us in the ute. I shouldn't have listened to Claire, if we hadn't moved around as much as we did, maybe the car would have equilibrated and we could have waited for help..." Alex closed his eyes, inhaling and exhaling slowly. He knew exactly what was going on in Tess' head. The same questions, the same pain and anger was surging within him. The only difference was that he didn't have to witness the horror like Tess did and he wasn't forced to relive the cruel moments over and over again. "Come here," he interrupted her repeated rant and pulled her back towards him. Kicking his shoes off, he made Tess lay back again and joined her. Maybe, just maybe both of them could find at least a little bit of rest with the other as company. "I can't lose you on top of everything, too." For a second Tess resisted, but since he didn't let her go and only held her tighter, she gave in. It didn't take long for her to fall asleep. She was beyond exhaustion and Alex' steady heartbeat calmed her until the tension eased up and her eyes slipped close on their own accord. Alex listened to Tess' even breaths and softly stroked her hair absentmindedly until he finally fell into a light slumber himself. Sleep was the little brother of death and he could be near Claire, ignoring the harsh truth daylight would bring. ~*~ "Do you think that's a good idea?" Jodi asked as she helped Meg to clean up the dishes after dinner. There wasn't much to do though since nobody felt up to a fancy dinner anyway. The most anybody would eat was a sandwich or salad for a change. "What are you talking about, Jodi?" Meg frowned and cleaned Tess' plate. Once again she had touched next to nothing of her food. "Oh please, mom... Alex and Tess sleeping in the same bed? Isn't that weird?" Jodi rolled her eyes. "Jodi," Meg reprimanded her daughter, shaking her head. "How come you even know about that?" "Well, in case you didn't notice, both leave exactly at the same time and go upstairs. All his things are still in Claire's room and the guest room is untouched, as is Claire's bed and today I heard Nick and Alex argue..." Jodi shrugged and leaned against the counter. "I mean, okay, they were together first, but that's so long ago and then Alex was with Claire, how..." "Will you shut up, Jodi? You don't know what you're talking about anyway. Do you have the slightest idea of what's going on with Tess? She doesn't sleep unless Alex is there. She can't be alone or she immediately closes herself off and slips back into shock. She doesn't eat. She isn't herself anymore. And Alex? Do you really think he would be in any position to think about Tess in that way at all? That he'd take advantage of her or that he'd forget about Claire in any way to begin with?" Meg's voice rose in anger with the heady and unqualified judgements of her daughter. "I don't know how he can manage, but if it wasn't for him? Tess probably wouldn't..." shuddering just at the thought Meg stopped herself. She knew how fragile Tess was, something that she inherited from her mother and she was scared of what she might be capable of doing to herself. Jodi lowered her head sheepishly and stared at the tips of her shoes. She was ashamed that she didn't realize anything besides the possible gossip. "I'm sorry..." "You should be." Meg tossed a tea towel over to her. "Make yourself useful so that we can go to bed. There's lots to be done tomorrow." Jodi sighed but started drying the dishes without another word. She felt as if she had to make it up to Tess somehow, even if she didn't know what she had been indicating. ~*~ Alex had been restless and taking care of Tess and Charlotte couldn't help him with the urge to get out and make somebody, something pay for what happened. Despite of what he told Tess in the first night after the accident he wanted and needed a scapegoat. Anything or anyone he could blame for the terror and pain. He didn't make it easy on himself, mostly out of fear for Tess and a sense of responsibility that was equally predominant as the urge for vengeance. "Are you sure you can... manage?" he asked again, searching Tess' face for any kind of reaction but her expression was seemingly unfazed. "Yeah, sure," Tess replied, not meeting his eyes. Over the last couple of days she'd perfected the art of looking at someone without looking at them at all. She knew that people were around her all the time, but she didn't care. It was as if she lived in a constant haze. Alex grimaced and ran his hand trough his hair. He was torn. "I'll have my SAT phone with me. If something, anything... promise to call, will you?" "Yeah," Tess caressed Charlotte's cheek before turning around. She was several meters away before she suddenly looked at him again. "You'll be back?" "Eventually, yes." He couldn't give her more than that, but apparently it was enough because she nodded and continued to walk into her room. She never said goodbye. Shortly after that Alex mounted Rocket and made sure his gun was safely stowed away. After double-checking his supplies he reined his horse to the right, taking a final look back at Drovers before goading him on. He didn't know where he was going, but that didn't stop him on his quest. The quest for a white brumby. |