11/1/01 Reflections from the past It's a calm Thursday night. My week is basically over and I'm glad of that. I've been very busy.
Let's see what's new. Umm ok first a plug for Ben Folds. Buy his new CD "Rockin' the Suburbs" just do it, don't ask questions, you'll love it. If my neighbors don't know all the songs by heart than there is something wrong with them, I play this CD waaaaaaaayyyyyy too much.
Last night I wrote a song, yeah me. I used an old poem that I wrote and it fits nicely. It's a simple song, I hope to expand on it a little bit more but if I don't it's no big deal. I looked through my old poetry also. A lot of it can be hard to read. Being in one state of mind while writing and now in a different one can be difficult. It's difficult comprehending being different, it's hard to comprehend that I will probably change again some more and I can not totally foretell how. I'm going for better. But what is better for me? Is better for me going to be pursuing neuropsych or will I find something else that clicks with a larger spark later? Is better bonding with those around me and strengthening those relationships or will that go too? What the hell mood am I in, arg. I'm feeling pulled tonight. Usually I feel more postive, more on target, go for neuropsych, go for strengthening relationships. I think that just reading my old pieces have jolted me a bit. And now I write for myself for those of you who want to continue reading that's fine, but this is for me. When i was sixteen this is how I felt:
That was back in the day. Almost 6 years ago. I'm not even sure quite how much of what I wrote is the whole truth. But it's what I seem to remember. An interesting psychological concept is that when someone remembers something, even if it is inaccurate, it is actually more important than the actual facts because what a person remembers (even if skewed) affects what they do in a situation and their time after. If this is how I remember some incidents of my childhood then it's helped me to shape who I am today. I'm responsible, motivated, caring (although I think i've been very good about dropping the mothering act, I used to do it to my friends without realizing it and it sucked, so I think I've stopped pretty much completely), protective of those I care about, realiable, and of course I'm smahhht (but that doesn't have to do with this). I'm sure I could describe myself a lot more but just get to know me, you'll see who I am.
As for why I shared that story. I was talking to my brother the other day and he was surprised that I have a webjournal because he feels that I am a private person. I never really thought about that before, I'm pretty open, if you ask questions you get answers. I've never shared that part of my life, I've kept a lot of my childhood under wraps. Much of it was very good, I could talk about all the fun I had learning to ride a bike, or birthdays, or how my dad convinced me that he was a pirate (grin),how my mother went to rehab for 2 months and came back better (go mom!), and a lot of other great things, they have shaped me too. Maybe I'll write about those sometimes too, the pirate story is a good one, as is the one about how my dad has "warp drive" in the old volvo, those stories have shaped me too (the word naive comes to mind, oh well). So I'm not asking for anyone's sympathy or compassion, I'm just showing a more complete me. I think when you let people into different sides of you, even if that side may not exist anymore, it helps people to understand you better. I do not feel alone, resentment, or strain as I did then. I like who I am now. And Mom, if you read this, I think when I was younger I resented you for how I felt as a kid sometimes. But today I couldn't ask more from you than to be the greatest friend you've been to me. I love you mom.
10/21/01 Turning a new leaf Well it looks like life is looking better. I've shed a skin away and I'm trying to get used to the new one. Friendships have dropped and the ones that remain are only becoming stronger. School and work are kicking my ass but I'm kicking back and staying afloat.
I had an incredible guitar lesson a couple of days ago. My teacher and I did more talking then playing but some realizations about playing and why people are driven by music became more concrete. We talked about how the highest goal one can attain in music is to get flow. Flow being creativity. I think it may be the flow of the greats (Dvorak, Rachmaninov <---- I got the spelling correct this time) that compels me to listen to them and attain a high every time I do. The thought that flow is attainable is a great goal. I'm trying to use my guitar teacher's methods of practice with clarinet as well. I think if I apply his practice methods (lots of focus on muscle relaxation is one of the techniques) I will see a gigantic improvement in my playing, although it's going to be hard to break through the barriers that I have with clarinet(being taught how to play and how to practice for about 12 years is a hard thing to re-program) I think I can do it.
As for the weekend. I had a good weekend. I made some extra spending money on Friday evening by babysitting. Saturday I worked on my debate case all day. It's coming along well. It's about increasing technology at the Canadian and Mexican borders which will decrease the numbers of terrorists who can slip through the borders. Well yeah, that's a very brief understanding of my case. Later in the day I had a clarinet lesson, which went pretty well. I'm focusing on learning how to tongue faster (ok guys no gross comments, I know what you're thinking, you too Xtina ahahah) and it's going well. Then in the evening I met up with Christina (aka Xtina), Hawver, and John. We all had Indian food in Kenmore Square. I had the sweetest coconut soup I've ever had in my life! I couldn't even finish it. Then we went to Tower to try to find the MYSTY 3K DVD, no luck. We then went to John's and watched the Big Lebowski. I've seen that movie two and a half times now and each time I see it I like it more and more. On Sunday I found out where John is ticklish (but I won't tell, ya'll will have to find out for yourselves). I did homework, even stuff that is due on Wednesday so I'm on a roll. Then I went over to Spot's place to see some Shatner movie, I can't remember what it was called but it was very funny. I must say that Spot and Kate's baby Lucy is *WICKED* cute.
So to rap up "Yo I had a wiggidy wack weekend wit all my dogs" well ok maybe that's not the wrap up you were looking for, but close enough. Peace.
10/15/01 It's been a while...
So yeah it's been a while since I've written and of course things have happened. Umm let's see what's important. I've having trouble thinking, I think I fried my brain between yesterday and today. I can sing a bunch of American folk tunes for you if you'd like, I had to study/memorize them for a test today. Something tells me that's not what you want though. Right now i'm clearing my head listening to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack, it's a fun listen. Hmm that's what I'll start writing about.
Music. Music is my therapy. I just got back and the first thing I've done is to turn on some music, now I'm on to Ben Folds (previously Ben Folds Five), I love the way that music hits me. I love bass, I love it when I can feel my internal organs pounding along to it. Whether it be classical or anything else I love a strong thick bass, something that drives rhythm. I'm still as big a fan as I ever was of Rachmoninoff and Dvorak. Going to concerts, any kind, can be a religous (if you will) experience to me.
Another thing that I think is interesting about music is how it drives thoughts and emotions. Sometimes while listening I'll assossiate the music with events, or I'll pick music to suit or change my mood. I find it amazing how that works, or further more how I don't know how that works. Hmm I should see if there are any research projects going on around here about that for this summer and next year. Speaking of which, I'm on a research project now for Dr. O'Connor on lobectomy patients who have epilepsy and their memory. It's pretty neat and I'm learning a lot, digging through the material is a bit tedious with all the other school work I have but I'm working on it slowly but surely. Dr. O'Connor said that I would be a co-author so that means I'll be published, probably by the time I graduate or before then.
Bach to music (yes it's a pun, not a spelling error). I find it fascinating that I can turn on music and it puts me at such ease when I've had a long day. Or when I'm feeling miserable, which isn't often, and it picks me up out of the ditch. Or when I'm fine and it makes me cry, although that's usually because of assossiation more so than the actual music.
And then there's this thing where I listen to certain cds obsessively. It's like I listen to them until something else better comes along. Even worse is when I listen to songs multiple times over. I'm surprised that my neighbors haven't killed me yet. I think when I listen to songs over and over and over again I get a better feel for them, I understand the music more. I try to hear each line of music seperately. One thing that I really like in music are the rests. Pauses can be so effective. I think I'm just rambling about this because I've missed my beloved music over the last couple of days and it's just so amazing what I get from it. Does anyone else get this?
I'll write more about actual events as of late, later.
9/27/01 1:36am. Late night visions
So I have some time to myself tonight. I don't have to work tomorrow so I have the option of putting off homework for a brief moment and centering on myself a bit. I was looking in the mirror this evening and had some interesting thoughts. The first were all vain ones, I felt oddly attracted to myself. I couldn't help but notice how healthy I look, eyes bright, skin clear, hair shiny, and the body isn't doing too bad either (Billy Blanks and I are having a good time working out, soon I'll be the Tae Bo master). I look deeply at my face and then almost frightened I saw my eyes and thought that these eyes, my eyes, have seen everything I have done. The whole time taking everything into it's perception. I looked into my own eyes and saw strength and at the same time I felt fearful to delve that deep into my self, afraid to be sucked into my own future potential. I've seen a glimpse, a very helpful glimpse of who I am and how I want to look at myself in the future.
I think it would be helpful to continue with this type of self observation.
Hmm what else. Well let's see. Work is going well, I went into work with the intension of asking Dr Oconnor about possible research positions for next year. I didn't get to talk to her that day but I did talk to this PhD student who I work with and she's very interested in bringing some of her research over to the hospital. She also seemed very enthusiastic to bring me onto her research, as something that seemed like more than just being an assistant. The research would be on how people with Depression and Schizophrenia cognitively function. It's not really the type of research that I'm totally interested in but it would be a good start especially if this student is interested in me being a real part of the research group and not just some monkey to get her coffee. But first I'll have to see if she can bring her work to the hospital.
School is going pretty well. I like my classes although the work load can be tough at times. I'm having my first Calculus exam on Monday so I'll be studying hard for that.
Remarks about last week: My grandmother's services all went very well. It was actually nice to meet some family that I have never met even under the circumstances. Playing with the kitties at my mom's house for a few days didn't hurt either. As usual my sister is still a jackass but hey, maybe that will change someday. My grandfather seems to be doing surprisingly well. At the buriel it was hard to watch my mother, she cried a lot. I think she was really remembering when she first went to her own mother's funeral about 20 years ago. I can't imagine my mother dieing. Don't even like to think about it.
As for the "other" happening, and I'm sure we all know what that other thing is from my last post. I'm doing well. It's been nice not having to worry about what a person does because I don't feel for her as much. Losing friendships can be beneficial I guess, that does sound weird but it's better than second guessing a friend all the time. Personally, it's better to have fewer yet stronger relationships than more that you have to be cautious of.
I know I'm growing. Some choices are becoming easier to make while at the same time I am having hard choices to think about and those are harder to decide on(am I making sense?? hmm). Next year I plan to work at the hospital and try to do some research under some different doctors so that I can try to find my niche before I go to graduate school, which I plan to go to directly after my year off. I suppose it's not really a year off though, it's a year to study for the GRE, to get my applications ready, to find my niche, and further personal growth. It's been easier to focus on what I'm doing lately because I'm realizing that I am the only one that counts right now. I can't let others stop me because of personal let down, they can't hold me back. My dream is there, as hazy it seems, for me to make into a reality and I alone can only do that.
9/17/01 Personal Tragedy Strikes.
Today my Grandmother has died. She had some strange sort of cancer. I didn't really know my Grandmother that well, she was my step-grandmother actually. My fondest memory of time spent with her was when I would help her to wash dishes after Thanksgiving Day dinner when I was a child. She used to give us all the pleasure of letting us hear her sing (ok maybe it was just funny cause she was a pretty bad singer). Wednesday through Friday I have many family services to attend. The wake, then a mass, and then a buriel. No one in my family has ever died that I have known. Wakes scare me. I went to one once a few years ago and everything is just so eerie. And now I feel for my Grandfather because he is now alone for a second time.
And tragedy number two. Lea sucks. There is a saying "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I have slowly gathered information that she has still been sleeping with Will, my x-boyfriend. I don't know what is wrong with her but she feels the need to do stupid sh*t all the time to the people she supposedly cares about. She seems to think that because she and Will are friends that it is ok to fool around, but I guess that's cause she thinks it's ok to fool around with all of her male friends. It's not ok because it disrespects me and I thought that we had a tighter bond than that. As for Will, I don't care what he does because I don't rely on him for anything, I have known that he is not dependable or respectable.
Lea has always been fortunate enough to either never have been caught for doing wrong or never having serious repercutions. Not this time. I refuse to be friends with someone who can try to justify being so evil. I will not be fooled again.
9/11/01 Collective Memory
Today my country has been violated. I was at work at the hospital when I found out that terrorists had high jacked planes and then used them as bombs to destroy the World Trade Center. I am still now consumed by shock. My cohorts and I will not forget this moment, for the first time in my history I am old enough to understand and be so touched by what has happened. I was nieve enough to think that "we" were safe. In years to come my peers will talk about where they were and what they were doing during this horrific event. It frightens me to think that anyone could and would give rise to this kind of destruction. I am fortunate enough to have all my friends and family unharmed. Peace be with you.
7/25/01 Go Red Sox!
Yesterday Brendan and I went to go see the Red Sox play the Toronto Blue Jays at Fenway Park. I had forgotten how fun seeing a game can be. Our seats were near third base. It was quite amusing how people love certain players like Ramirez and how they would boo other players. There are also some strange rituals, if you can call them that, during games like the wave, 7th inning stretch, and going crazy when El Guapo gets on the field.
Last weekend I went with Brendan and Steve up to New Hampshire to spend some time on Lake Squam. It was great, so relaxing and nice, even if it was for just one day.
I just started reading Consilience by Edward O'Wilson and I like it so far, he's an energetic writer.
Let's see, other random stuff. I started making a quilt by hand. The job is good. Summer is good and that's about it for now. Ciao.
7/1/01 Hemophiliac
And then I hurt.
You put the knife in and I let it be.
The blood drains out until I am done of it.
Now turning the knife.
As if I wasn�t hurt enough before
My open wound now sore
A scab will never grow there.
The skin will continue to puss and bruise until a removal is made.
This knife, handle exposed
And all I have to do is pull, pull this blade, throw it from my soul.
The knowledge that I will temporarily bleed remains in my consciousness.
But the truth is that a scab will heal this soul
And the knife will be gone.
In other news I pulled a 180 this weekend. My life at the apartment has changed a little bit. Hmm what to say, I guess I'll leave it at that. I hate not telling all but when others are involved it's not right. I did have a good weekend though, Brendan, Chris Baylor, and I went to 6 Flags on Friday. It was fun to scare the pants off myself going on the Scream ride (a straight shot up in the air and then back down). On Saturday Brendan and I went to see Lea down on the Cape. That was fun except that my back is now the color of a red crayola crayon. Today I met up with Han and we talked and talked and talked. Tomorrow I get to sit in on some brain imaging done on musicians that should be great. Over and out.
6/9/01 A Living Moral Compass.
I am now documenting a moment that I would like to share with myself in the future, I'm putting it here as a reminder to myself. I won't share details with my "viewers" about this one but I just have to say that people are unpredictable and when you think you know someone or something it may change before your eyes in an instant.
I was always taught as a child to treat others as you would like to be treated and that this in the end would benefit you. I've followed this proudly and expected it of others. I'm good to people but instead of receiving good I've received yet another emotional beating from those that I cherished. Why am I a carpet for muddy feet?
And a lesson to learn. Love. It's something in this world that not everyone gets, if you get it you don't have to give it back, just appreciate it for what it is before it vanishes.
I saw Moulin Rouge last week, it was very good and reminded me of the pursuit for Truth, Freedom, Beauty, and Love. Go see it.
Well, it's been a long long time since I've written and lots has happened. First off, I'm in an apartment for the summer in Boston. If I've neglected to give you my new info please contact me. I have three roomates Emily, Brendan, and Steve. I know Emily from school, Brendan and Steve I don't know for beans. It should be an interesting experience. I'll be working at the Beth Israel hospital part time in the Behavioral Neurology department giving assessment tests. I may also take on a research position. I am now free of school for the summer because I just finished my last final today, I'm psyched!!
I went to Western Kentucky a few weeks ago to compete at the Lincoln Douglas National Debate tournament. It was awesome to meet so many other debaters. I won two of my six rounds, now you may be thinkings "that's not so good", but considering who I was up against I was quite pleased. Overall I learned a lot about excellent debate strategy and I'm all ready to kick some ass next semester when we debate about international terrorism. If you come across any information about international terrorism please email it to me.
I'm still getting information to write my essay comparing Job and Ender so keep a look out for that.
And lastly, I am revamping my page. In a couple of weeks it should have a completely different look and the pictures page will finally work.
3/30/01 It's Raining it's Pouring... So I'm sitting here at work (Residence Life at Simmons) and I'm thinking of what to write this update about.
I'll start with the week in review. On Tuesday I went to my internship and learned that I'll be making twelve dollars an hour. I can't wait to have money. I've been broke all year, my savings is diminishing slowly, and I'm sick of worrying about finances. When I do have money in the near future I plan to buy a new computer and then a guitar. I also found out that I'll be giving assessment tests, I even have a title job title, although at this moment I can't remember what it is, psychosomething ; ). All this searching for an internship has paid off. Because I'll be working in Boston for the summer, I plan to stay in town. Yesterday I looked at Sigma Chi on Beacon street to stay in. Let me tell you, frat boys are quite uninformative! Most questions were answered with a "umm yeah maybe", quite frustrating. Also when I emailed the frat the house manager told me there were plenty of doubles, triples, and quads. I want to get a double with my friend Emily. The guy who gave us the tour said that there would only be triples and quads available, arg. So the summer housing search continues. If you know of somewhere I can live email me. Ok I need to get back to work for a bit, but I'll finish updating later today.
4/4/01 A few days later... Today I had the pleasure of traveling to the Wrentham District Courthouse because I had jury duty. Unfortunately I sat for two and a half hours just so I could get dismissed. The case looked very interesting also, it was a criminal case under assault and battery with a knife by a guy about my age. I think I got dismissed because I'm young, oh well. The drive was very nice, no traffic, I could blast the radio, and generally make a fool of myself as I sang at the top of my lungs. Later that day I came back to Needham, went by PTC to grab Hawver for lunch (hahah that sounds funny). And now I'm sitting and writing an update.
So let's see what else is up. Raz (aka Hammy), the hampster, is good. I'll be taking pictures of him tomorrow with a digital camera that I'm borrowing from Simmons's Media Center. We've hung out a lot lately, I've started to teach him a trick so keep your eyes out for some Raz footage. I looked at another frat yesterday, it seems really nice, it's on Beacon. Hopefully a double will open up for me and Emily to live in.
I've been reading Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. I actually emailed Card the other day to ask if Ender's Game was meant to parallel the Book of Job at all. I'm seeing some similarities between the two books. I know that he's read my email, although he hasn't written back yet, I hope he does. Either way I'm going to start examining Job and Ender so that I can write a short piece on it (I know I haven't written any essays that I said I would in a while but I'm going to make a strong effort to get this one done, there is an especially big push for me to do this because I like the Book of Job a lot and so far Ender's Game is awesome). For anyone who hasn't read any of the Old Testament, I would recommend in doing so. I know that both the Book of Job and the Book of Esther are very good.
A quick note to Mike Shapiro. I know have a registered domain name at www.neurogirl.com. Thanks!
Ok it's a beautiful day, what are you doing still reading my page??! Get out there!! Ciao
I'm having a lovely spring break with snow dumping itself onto Massachusetts. Unlike most people I chose to stay at school over spring break so that I could work and make some needed money. Unfortunatly work was canceled because of the snow for two days. I've also been fending for myself in the food department which has been interesting. Thanks to Justin, my roomate's boyfriend, we have eaten fairly well this week. All in all it's been a decent break. I've gotten a lot of school work done as well as some reading. I finished Heinlein's Starship Troopers yesterday. I especially liked a part that had to do with just punishment. The idea simply states that our culture does not punish for wrong doings until a person is of legal age, at which point we scold them mercifully. A comparison is made between our system of punishment and puppy raising. If we punished minors when they do something wrong then they will be taught not to do wrong. I liked this book a lot and will be reading more Heinlein in near the future.
For fun I have hung out with friends. Last night I went to the Linwood Bar in Boston for their open mic night. It was pretty fun, some good singer/song writers, and some not so good. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll get up the nerve to go and play something there. Talking about singing and song writing, Lea and I have decided that we need to rock. So tonight we are going to start playing together on guitar and vocals. I think it may work out pretty well, and if not it will be fun trying.
In other news: I'm going in next week to talk to the Neuropsychologist I've been interning under about a paid position. She wants me to have it so now we just need to figure out if my schedule works with hers. I'm psyched!
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And He Doesn't Know I Watch 2/16/00
And he sits,
se
par
ating
himself from the whole.
In his own quiet destitude he relaxes,
away from the noise, light, movement,
into the corner
calm, dark, and slow.
He is a performer, an entertainer of the ears.
Now alone,
into his mind.
Handsome and intriguing.
I paint him in words,
the shadows where he sits, the blackness of his shoes,
the lean of his back against the wall,
his gait as he returns to his work.
Focused and unmoved, confident and happy.
He is gone and my fantasy over.
I wrote this on Valentine's Day. I haven't written in almost a year. It's quite thrilling to finally put something down on paper that I feel is worth reading. Maybe this will be the start of a beautiful friendship between me and poetry, I was once dependent on her and we have since lost touch. Getting reaquinted can be awkward but I think we're off to a good start.
On another personal note. I saw the movie Chasing Amy with Will the other day. I would strongly recommend this movie. I haven't been a huge fan of Mall Rats or Dogma because they were just "sit back and drain out" type of movies but Chasing Amy really made me think. It made me think about something truely very sad to the point of tears. I have never made love, or been made love to, whatever you want to call it. I've had sex. Not to say that sex doesn't have many levels alone, because I think it does. I've had both very intense sex, once I was so wrapped up in it that I could almost no longer feel what flesh was mine and what was his, and other times I've had poor sex, no need for description. I think making love should be like my intense sexual experience added with the intense experience of two people being in love. I think that would be a great heightened experience to reach. Someday.
In Dani News: I turned 21 last Sunday. At midnight I went out with Will, Gregory, and Mike Rosetti to have a couple of drinks. It was fun. And for people's information, no one had to hold my hair above the porcelin bus and I was fine in the morning. Also
1/12/00 The New Guestbook is up. I guess the old one was broken but I didn't know until a few days ago. So go sign away (scroll down it's at the bottom of the page)
1/6/00 More Prague Pictures! Even More Prague Pictures.
Happy New Year! 1/5/00 20001 has started out as a great year. Here's what I've done so far.
On New Years Eve I went with my friend Emily to the Bare Naked Ladies concert at the Fleet Center. BNL kicks ass in concert. The band is very energetic, talented, and funny. It seemed as though half their set used improvisation. The stage also had great lighting and props. Getting out of the fleet center was quite an experience in itself, we were smooshed like sardines to get into the North Station T stop. While on the T a brawl broke out, it was pretty icky.
On New Years day I ate dinner with Emily's family. Lots of good food was had seeing as she has an Italian family ; )
Tuesday through Thursday I went up to Waterville Valley, New Hampshire to go skiing with Emily, her sister, her sister's boyfriend, her brother (who I might add is wicked hot), and her brother's friend Walt. On tuesday Emily and I spent time in a whirlpool and a sauna. That evening we went out for dinner and then ice skating. I did pretty well on the skates, I only fell twice. That evening we all watched X Men, it was my 6th time seeing the flick. On Wednesday I went skiing with everyone. I haven't been skiing in 13 years so it was a bit of a disaster. The two most embarrassing moments had to be when it took me almost 45 minutes to go down a 5 minute trail. I just couldn't seem to get the idea of turning, stopping I was ok at. The other times I went down the trail were fine, I was able to turn once I got my nerve up to do it. The other most embarrasing moment was while I was getting off the ski lift. For whatever reason I could not keep my balance while going down the little slope you have to travel down to get to flat land. One time while getting off the lift I managed to go backwards, throwing my poles in the air and my skiis landing above my head, it wasn't pretty, but very funny. On Thursday I returned home.
So far this New Year has started out with a good friend and fun. I couldn't ask for too much more than that! I hope to continue this trend throughout the year as my New Years resolution is to have more fun! I have a feeling that this year is going to be great, now I just have to keep the momentum going! Happy 2001!
Acceptance 12/27/00
This holiday season I�ve been thinking about acceptance. I have been in the process of learning that I need to accept things as they come and not to disillusion myself into thinking that acceptance can wait. To accept something means to look at a situation for what it is, not at what it could be nor what it had been, but to look at it in the present time and to see things for what they are in the moment. In the end acceptance means facing truths and stepping forward.
I did some free association writing (you just write what ever comes to mind even if you disagree with it) and found that I have been trying to and have accepted these things. Some of these things I don't really agree with and I'll put a (*) next to those ones.
I have accepted that:
-I am a good human being
-*I can�t hold people to my standard without being harmed
-Things happen for a reason and sometimes this reason isn�t found until later.
-Life isn�t fair.
-I can�t make anyone feel something I want.
-I have control over my life and I need to be more conscious of my decisions and there repercussions
-I need to do the best I can
-I need to maintain self respect/esteem/consciousness
-People don�t always learn from their mistakes
-Sometimes the hard way is how it has to be if you are to learn something.
-The people in my life have to maintain respect, honesty, and support for me and I for them
-Crying is acceptable under most circumstances
-Music and dance make me feel better
-I need to be honest with myself at all times and not to disillusion myself to a situation
-Not everyone will write me love letters
-Not everyone will treat me how I want to be treated
-Honesty is the best policy and I will stick by that
-Life is what you make of it
-It�s better to ask questions than to remain silent.
-Friends come and go sometimes
-Some men were never meant to be
-Letting go is important
-People change
-Love doesn�t always last nor does it guarantee that it will get you through
-*It�s not often that feelings are mutual.
-Some people truly don�t have regards for others.
-The truth can hurt but it�s best
-Being alone is better than being hurt
12/13/00Prague Pictures!
12/11/00 Is everyone getting in the Christmas feel yet?? I am, can ya tell??? Go look at my pictures of Halstat, Austria. 12/8/00 Oh boy, more PICTURES!!! I hope everyone is enjoying the snow today! Keep Warm! Good Luck on Finals Everyone!!
12/5/00 My second roll of
Film is up! Sorry I haven't updated in a really long time, the semester is winding done and winding up to finals. I'll have some words for this place soon enough! Next week I have a recital and a concert, so I'll definatly be posting about those!
11/23/00 My first roll of Austria Pictures is up! Take a look. I'll have the other ones up shortly. Happy Thanksgiving!
11/10/00 Howdy Ho Visitors. If you can't already tell, I've been watching a lot of South Park lately. Today is one of those lazy days, I don't have class or work, I suppose I should get some studying in later but for now I'll update my site.
College is going well. I'm enjoying my classes despite the enormous work load. I registered for my classes next semester. I have the best schedule, no classes before 10am, and I have fridays off! I'm excited. I have a steady job now working for the Foreign Language Lab. I get to check out videos that I can't pronounce the titles of and chat on IM for seven bucks an hour.
In the Arts. Step dancing is going very well. The class has now learned one full jig and one reil. These are dances that combine three or more steps. When I turn 21 in february I'll be able to go to some pubs to show off my stuff ; ) Guitar is holding up. I'm progressing nicely. Right now I'm working on learning Black Bird by the Beatles. I'm going to begin learning some classical music soon. Clarinet is going well also. I will probably be giving a recital in a couple of months or so. I'll be performing Mozart's "Five Church Sonatas". They sound pretty good so far and with more practice they will sound even better. When I have my recital I'll post it for any of you who would like to come.
The family. Last week I spent a lot of time with my father. Last Saturday we went to lunch with my grandfather and then just hung out in the afternoon. On Sunday I went with my dad to my great aunt and uncle's 50th Wedding Anniversary. That was a really good time getting to hang out with my relatives, they're a lot of fun people. My mom is doing pretty well. She got her polip tests back, they were benign, phewww. She is still going in for neurological testing, hopefully I'll be allowed to go in with her cause I'd really like to watch an assessment being done, considering that I may want to do that for my career.
Other stuff. Raz, the hampster, is good. He's gotten really big since I first got him. He's quite a menace, at night he thoroughly enjoys banging and nawing on objects in the cage to keep my roomate and I awake. I'll try to get a picture of him up soon. Talking about pictures, my picture page is all messed up! I'll try to fix the problem soon (when i'm done with this update). I went out last week and bought Nick Drake's "Pink Moon" album. I highly recommend it to anyone who likes folk music.
More stuff. A couple of weeks ago I went to Suffolk University to compete with my debate team. I did very well winning 3 of 6 rounds. In December I plan to debate at URI, hopefully I'll make Nationals.
A first. Last tuesday I fufilled my patriotic duty and voted in the Presidential election. I was really excited to vote. It was quite a fufilling experience getting to cast my ballot. And then... that night I watched to see who would become our next president and as you all know that moment still hasn't come. Arg, boy is this all frustrating! I was quite surprised by the outcome of the Massachusetts ballot questions though, I'm very happy with the outcome to say the least.
Well, that's my update for the last few weeks. Ciao!
10/24/00 It's been one of "those" weeks. I just wish I could scream as loud as I wanted or to cry rivers, although I think this would take out too much time in my day. Today was definatly one of those days when I just felt the weight of the earth coming down at me. I'm balancing a lot right now and I feel like I'm going to break. I explain it like standing on the edge of a mountain, the next thing that creeps up behind me is going to knock me down. I imagine into a rage of sorts.
Lately it seems that my school work never ends (and I know some of you are thinking, "oh poor you, school work" and laughing) but it's really quite tough sometimes. This is the hardest year I've come up on academically. To add to the load my mom and grandmother are not in good health. My grandmother is going to die and my mother is having complications. Today a girl at school told me that she had an "episode" on Monday where she almost killed herself. I think that was really the last straw today, I won't be able to cope if she does that. Hopefully she won't. And of course there are those other life stressors that I won't even begin with.
I just feel like I need a break or a vacation, something.
On a happier note I played clarinet today while my friend Catherine accompanied me. We started just playing around with some chords and we started writing a piece. It's coming along well, it was really exciting and envigorating. Also I was actually able to finish a book this week. I read a "Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood. I plan to write an essay comparing the way of the Taliban to the way of the fictional universe of the Handmaids. Oh yes, I almost forgot! I got my hampster. He is peach and white, very cute. His name is Raz, after Razputin (spelling??) the Russion who killed Czar Nicholas the IV (i believe it was the fourth). Why did I name my hampster after this killer you ask? Because my hampster is illegal here at Simmons, so shhhh don't tell!
Oh yeah one more thing. I heard a beautiful song a few days ago it's called "From the Morning" by Nick Drake, go find it on Napster
>10/7/00 WOW a NEW UPDATE Well folks, I've been mighty busy. Last night I went out to see the M.I.T orchestra play Beethoven's Fantasia in C Minor. They did a really great job with it. I was very impressed by this college group. Last thursday I had the pleasure of seeing my clarinet teacher perform in a faculty recital. She played flue, clarinet, and accordion.
College is going well. I've involved myself in many extra curricular activities such as becoming the president of the Art/Music Liaison, performing in two orchestras, taking guitar lessons, and I've started a new hobby, Irish Step Dancing (yes it's ok to point and laugh)! I am actually really enjoying my dance class. The class is a lot of fun and excellent exercise.
Exciting news! I'm getting a hampster. I haven't had a furry pet in a long time and I figured that it would be mighty fun to have one now. Being a psych major I also plan to train my hampster to do tricks using operant conditioning. Just you wait, I'll have an update about what my hampster can do
>9/11/00The College Scene!
So far so good. Classes are going well and meeting my expectations. Last week I auditioned for the New England Philharmonic and was sorta embarrassed by the end of the evening. I played well but as the director put it "We're looking for a New England Conservatory graduate", I got the hint. I'm glad I put myself up to the challenge of an audition though. Talking about music... I resumed guitar lessons two weeks ago. My teacher says my technique is forming very well. Last week I also started a new hobby. Irish step dancing lessons in Quincey. It was a lot of fun hoping around on one foot, I swear! Today I had classes and in the afternoon I went shopping (something I very rarely do) and got some practical clothes as well as some fun sexy clothes, oh boy
8/30/00First day of School!
Well I'm back at Simmons College for another exciting year of my educational experience. Today I had my first political science class and a course on biological psychology. So far so good. My classes are looking promising!
I'm very happy to be back in my dorm room, despite having nightmares about it. My roomate seems very nice and easy going. This should make for a good dorm atmosphere.
Over the weekend I was fortunate enough to be envolved with MIT's Theta Xi Rush. This meant getting to go on free activities, such as a boston harbor cruise.
This coming weekend I get the added bonus of helping Will to move into his apartment, BIG FUN! Actually the big fun is when he has his party. Later Gators
8/11Ok well my page is officially screwed up. Some how while I was editing this page the links went "vamoosss". So I'll have them back up in no time but it just erks me that it happened. So I may have to move my site or something cause I'm going crazy with this editor. Ok enough about that.
Right now I'm busy working with the St. Joe's Pit Orchestra on the musical "State Fair". Tomorrow is our last show, it's looking good.
New News: I am auditioning to be in a "real" orchestra. The New England Philharmonic. I'm pretty excited about this and also a bit nervous. I haven't done a real audition in about two years. So for the next few weeks I'll be practicing like mad to wow those who will be judging me.
Wish me luck!
7/14 Ok I'm reconstructing my page right now, so deal with the
mess. Right now I'm in Long Island, NY to go to a wedding. I had the pleasure
of driving over a bridge that had a great view of Manhattan. It looks beautiful
at night lit up. I'm in the middle of reading Nathaniel Branden's "Judgement
Day". So far it's a good read and it's interesting to see the connections
of different people, predominantly involved in Objectivism. I'm also reading
Oliver Sach's "Awakenings". I'm still working on my photo album. It's taking
longer than I had anticipated.
Over and Out from NY.
6/21 I'm BACK Hey all, I'm back from my trip to Austria.
It was great, a bit long for my liking but overall a wonderful experience.
Tomorrow I plan to get my pictures developed so that I can start my scrap
book which I will scan onto my page, hopefully sooner than later.
For now I'm on summer break, lining up jobs and things to do to keep
me out of the house. I'm reading Fountainhead right now, almost finished.
I have some qualms with the book, but I'll get into that when I'm finished reading.
After finishing Fountainhead Will and Han have a ton of books for
me to read, oh boy.
While on my trip I was brought forth into the realization that I want
to be a much better musician. Today I practiced for an hour on various
repetoire and had a very good time, this will be the start to my intense
summer of music.
Austria I can't believe it, I'm leaving for Austria in under five hours. At the moment I'm nervous and excited at the same time. This morning I woke with butterflies in my stomache, oh yeah. Anyway, I'm outta here so don't expect any updates for a month! I'll miss you all.
5/6/00 The new and improved essay! The old one is below so feel free to compare/contrast them.
Life Extension
......The prospect of living for hundreds or even thousands of years is approaching and I am unprepared to make a decision.
......My first thought was to choose death because that choice seemed like the natural thing to do as well as something I�m expected to do as a mortal human being, never having the choice to live or die (with the exception of suicide). Last week I attended the BON salon and since then have been pondering about the possibilities of life extension. I have broadened my knowledge about the possibilities of my life extension instead of being naive about the topic, therefore forming an uneducated opinion, hence previously choosing death. One could say I'm pro-life now ; )
......Ayn Rand would say that the primary value is to sustain life. Why should I have ever considered death the good decision when existance is so much more fufilling? The possibilities become endless when life can continue for an exasperatingly long time. In essence I could do anything that I wanted, to perfection. So maybe someday I really will be a rock star, a famous psychologist, a composer, or any number of things that I�ve just glimpsed at marveling to be. The quality of human life will rise because we will be changing our expectations of the human body�s capacity and capabilities. Death is frightful because it is the end. I have very rarely found (infact I can not think of a time) ending anything that I derive pleasure from to be of satisfaction. The possibility of my death has never haunted me as much as the death of my loved ones. When I think of my father playing guitar or having conversations with my mother it makes me realize that those future moments I may share with them should not be sacrificed, if they had a choice to extend their life. It upsets me that they will most likely not have the opportunity to have a choice that I may be fortunate enough to have in the future.
......People will disagree with the possibility of life extension because they feel it is not natural. Why is applying the achievement of the human mind seen as unnatural? What could be more natural then using what we, as human beings, have actualized to improve our quality of life. Today, I am in awe of what individuals have accomplished, especially in the sciences. By simply walking down the street I can see the harmony between nature and man�s inventions. It�s amazing how far the human race has come and how much further we will go in the near future. To gaze upon the future will be to gaze upon man�s creation.
5/4/00
Note to viewers: I'm writing very late, so please excuse gramatical errors including spelling as always.
Hmm it has been a while since i've posted. Oh well. Anyway... School is quickly coming to a finish and then I'm off to Austria on May 17th, I still can't believe I'm going.
Last Saturday I went to a BON Salon. The topic of choice was Futurism. During the salon the possibility of life extension, to the extreme of being immortal, was discussed. Here is my revised edition from the thoughts I put up yesterday after having Will bagger me for a while about the value of life.
...Now, what I wonder is, would I consider living forever or would I willingly choose death? At the moment I can't even comprehend living forever, I've only been alive for twenty years and have, what is thought of, as plenty of time ahead of me. But if I multiply that number of time left as a mortal by thousands of years then, geez I dunno what I would do with all that time, another question is, what wouldn't I do?? I could do everything and anything without worry it seems.
...When first writing this essay of sorts I thought that I would choose death because of my lack of knowledge about what a future "forever" would hold. I think now I would support the possibility for extending my life for an extra hundred years and then renewing my life contract after that time was up, instead of adding on thousands of years in one felt swoop. Could "too much" life be bad though? I was once told by someone that "Life is good. More life is better.". I can't say that I agree with this statement. I think I may be a believer that there is such a thing as "too much of a good thing". To give an example, over eating sweets, some swedish fish are very good, too many makes one sick or at least feeling ill. It sounds funny, but could there be a such thing as having too much life? I think having a continuous infinite number of living years would possibly get boring. Also, others will live forever, and do I really want to deal with certain people for eternity??? I don't know if living forever is worth it but I am still not decided. I am not opposed to life extension or enhancing the quality of my life using new technology/science. Living for two hundred years seems acceptable but more years than that seems so out of reach. I may find that after 200 years that a few hundred more after that isn't so bad. The fact of being mortal makes me nervous not only to think that I will die but that I could die by "accident" as well (especially since Brookline ave is so horrible to cross on a daily basis I could become a road pancake, don't worry I always look both ways at least 6 times ahah) but the possibility of having a choice to live or die scares me more. By choosing death would that be considered suicide in the future? Still to be continued...
For more information on life extension click here. "The First Immortal" by James L. Halperin has also been recommended, I'll be reading this shortly. Also a children's book titled "Tuck Everlasting" is a good quick read about a family that lives forever.
4/19/00
Ok my page is pretty much content based now, in other words all my links on The Stuff page work! Isn't it grand. Hmm although I should have been writing a paper I decided to do this instead. You ask if I'm a procrastinator? Me! NO WAY ahah.
Ok I have two thoughts/questions to throw out to my viewers.
1. Ok you know that "voice" in your mind? How does it develop to be that particular sound and when does it develop at all? I imagine that most people's, what I'll call, "mind voice" resembles their own audible voice if not exactly match. But why isn't this "mind voice" one's parents' voice or whomever one hears most frequently during infancy? Furthermore, if this "mind voice" comes before a child's audible speaking voice does the "mind voice" influence the child's future sound? Any ideas?
2. Prejudice. I had a disturbing encounter a few weeks ago with a girl of Indian heritage, to make a long story short,she demanded that I made an ethnic comment about her but that was not the case, she had misunderstood what I had said and furthermore added her own commentary for my own words. I wonder if people who have experienced prejudice are quick to assume that if someone makes a comment about them that that person is trying to offend them therefore being a bigot? I talked to my pschology professor about this and she had had a similar situation with a co-worker. Your thoughts?
Ok, well you guys know me. But I don't know who exactly is viewing my site. Drop me a line and tell me about yourself, furthermore for all my viewers, SEND me some input about my site!
Over and Out
Ok, yes I threw this together. I will organize soon.
4/14/00 The links page works! Dude (and you know who you are) this is all for you my lovely! ahhahahaah
I had my first Colleges of the Fenway Orchestra concert. It went very well, above my expectations even!
4/7/00 Ok the Pictures are up, enjoy!
4/2/00 The Austria page is up. Go check it out (it's off the Me page from the Stuff, and no I didn't link it here cause I want people to go through the pages, happy trails to you.)
4/1/00Something new to SURF
Fun story guys. Today I rode the Green Line T to Riverside. Usually I bring a book along or at least some homework to do cause it's about a half hour ride to Riverside from the stop that I normally get on at and I love to multi-task, so the T is a perfect opportunity to do so. Today I forgot my book but found something entertaining to do! I surfed the T! For those of you who still don't understand what crazyiness I'm writing about, surfing the T is just riding the rail "no hands" style while standing. I have surfed the T before but today was a tad more exciting. Instead of standing on a stationary part of the T I stood on the rotating middle section. While standing on this wobbly (spelling?) area I got even more daring and began jumping around on it and attempting to do a 360 degree turn. I noticed that about 90% of the people on the T look like they would rather be buried under dirt than be there. I suggest this new strategy of travel.
I also found it incredibly interesting to practice balancing while hitting bumps and going around turns. It was an incredible feeling to really tune into myself as I would slighty move this way or that to keep from tumbling down the T isle. Becoming "one" with the T was a grand experience and a whole lot of fun. So next time you are bored on the T just Surf!
3/29/00 Ok another page is finally up. The Poetry page now works for all of you poetry fans!
I had another guitar lesson today which rocked. I'm starting to learn flamenco style finger picking. I'm having a blast with it even though I can barely play! My instructor said that I was an amazingly fast learner on the technique he was showing me today for plucking strings. Do I rock? or do i ROCK?!
More links to come shortly, stay tuned (I suppose I should get the archive going so you guys don't have to keep looking at the old posts)
3/24/00 Exciting news! I had my first guitar lesson today. I learned how to position my hands on the guitar, different ways to hold the guitar in a seated position, and how to practice changing to different chords.
The rest of my week was pretty bland because I was sick during the first part of the week and then I got laringitis (sp), not fun.
On a brighter note, I won a scholarship for a third of the cost of my trip to Austria. I'm psyched.
I'm still plugging away at getting my links up, so hang in there, more is on the way.
3/22/00
Only 3 of my own links work, these are The Stuff, Me, and Music. The rest will be up soon!
Today (3/18/00) is the greatest day there ever was...
Wow, I've done it. My own site, finally! I have a lot of revisions to make so stay tuned.
