Self RIghteousness in the GenderQueer Community
So i go up to the city and spend the weekend in the genderqueer scene. And i look around and i'm surrounded by people who look like me, who are aware and fighting for similar issues as myself. But there's this stumbling block. So many of them, i've met more than i can count like this, in San Francisco, Portland, everywhere, really, are so self righteous and self absorbed in their own battles.
And it's not about calling people on shit that's the problem, i believe this is an instrumental tool of change. It's this attitude of, i'm better than you, more aware than you and will jump on you if you fuck up a pronoun, use any oppressive language, make false assumptions, etc. Just because you call me on something, have done more reading on queer theory postmodernism etc doesn't mean you're BETTER than me. And if you want to share what you know, your experiences, have discussions, i'm totally down. But I'm not okay with you using your knowledge as a power tool, to push me into submission, into a place where i fear anything i might say will piss you off.
What's upsetting to me is the fact that i felt nervous when my drag queen friends came up and we were all conversing with a couple trans identified individuals.
More recently, in Portland, Erin and i were chattin up L, who we kept running into at all the genderqueer events. I happened to mention a friend of mine who used to go by she but who i haven't actually chatted with 'bout pronouns in a bit, and thus i referred to this formentioned person as she.
at this point, L corrects me with "actually, it's he" and launches into a condescending speach about how "at first pronouns are difficult, but eventually you'll catch on" and about how "Portland is so trans friendly because people are so caring and considerate about pronouns and things."
i just thought it was so fucking hilarious 'cause both Erin and myself have dated transguys and are extremely pronoun conscious. Just because i haven't been in town in 9 months and maybe don't know everyone's current state of pronouns doesn't mean i need a fuckin lesson. Honestly, if you simply refer to that person as he during the course of the conversation, i'll realize my pronouns are outdated and jump onto the "he" bandwagon.
and then to say that it's all about being considerate and caring i think is just bullshit. I think that in some circumstances yes, it is about being considerate, but in this form, i see it as a trendy power-play that has nothing to do with the person in question. When aquaintances of a person are more militant about that person's pronouns than the person are themselves, i think there's something going on that's more complicated and seedy than just being "considerate and caring." I question people's motives when their "caring" is executed from atop a soapbox.
There is so much fucking pain, hurt and oppression out there, and i understand the need to cling to self righteousness. It scares me because i know i'm guilty of it too.
I was having lunch with an old friend from highschool, and i mentioned a friend with an androgynous name who ids and genderqueer, and my hs friend was like "is that a girl or a guy" and i was like "does it matter?" and we got into the huge argument over if it really DID matter, and i got pissed off 'cause i thought, shit, why does one's sex organs matter, what significance does that have. If you ask me, oh, how do they identify, or, what pronoun do they use, that's so much more valid of a question. So i told her this and got indignant.
But, later i realized, from her perspective, "is that a girl or a guy?" is a completely logical question. She's never met anyone who DIDN'T fall into the either or category. And, it's easy for me to say "it doesn't matter" 'cause i KNOW what the person is. And, for any person with a genderqueer esque name, i'm just as guilty of assumptions, assuming they're female born but not ID-ing as such. So, why are my assumptions any better than hers? Just 'cause my assumptions are probably correct doesn't mean i'm BETTER than her.
And it makes me thankful that i didn't go to a liberal uber aware university, because, i think i would get pulled into the genderqueer self involved bubble. Yeah, it's lonely here at this Jesuit University, but it's also a reality check. We need to be aware and fight oppression, but isolating ourselves from those who don't know shit about the issues we're dealing with gets us nowhere. It just divides the world into two extremes, the self proclaimed "aware" and the rest of the population, two sides with no ability to communicate with one another. Because, really, when someone fucks up a pronoun and you get on your soap box over it, they're not going to be compelled to further learn about trans issues. Soap boxes aren't about educating those around you, they're about using an issue to put yourself above others.