am i internalizing society's misogyny?
If i wear make-up,
am i submitting to society's oppressive view of female beauty?
If I roll my eyes when someone makes assumptions about my gender, am i being overly influenced by my trans and genderqueer friends?
some nights, before going out, i look into the mirror and see the same, boring face. I pluck the few eyebrow hairs that have grown astray, carefully forming a tight yet "natural" curve. Mascara and lip gloss, sit out on the counter, bought for my drag queen persona, promise to add something that's missing, to make everything more exciting. So i go out on the town with shiny lips and longer lashes.
yet other nights, when Max emerges for photo shoots, rock concerts and dance-offs, i stop in front of each and every shiny surface, admiring how the sideburns change a familiar face into that of an exciting, dreamy stranger.
and other days i want to have sideburns without having to be Max. He's too aloof, too cool, too stoic to keep up for long periods of time. I want to giggle. I want to talk incessantly without the knowledge that once i open my mouth, everyone will know i'm really just a girl.
Last night i cleaned out the closet in my parents house, and found my bright pink prom dress from senior prom. I tried it on and danced around the room to nsync, watching myself in the huge mirror. When i was called for dinner, i didn't want to take it off. Can't i be pretty for just a little while longer?
I ride, dance, run, push and sit up to "get in shape" all the while really just hoping for these hips to melt away into linear lines. That these arms will harden into tough masculinity.
I can't commit to one gender identity. Most days, i don't identify as a man or a woman. Some days i want to be more feminine. Some days i want to be more masculine. And because i'm read as female most of the time, when i do pass as male it's exciting, not because i'm really a boy , but because it represents the fluidity of gender that i feel but have difficulty expressing outwardly. How does one present fluidity in a society that sees gender as binary and static? I'm working on it.