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Fight Club · Futurama · Family Guy · Homestar Runner · Simpsons · Spongebob |
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FIGHT
CLUB
Narrator: This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. Marla: My god, I haven't been fucked like that since grade school. Narrator: First person that comes out this fucking door gets a... gets a lead salad, you understand? Tyler: Well you did lose a lot of versatile solutions for modern living Narrator: Home was a condo on the fifteenth floor of a filing cabinet for widows and young professionals. The walls were solid concrete. A foot of concrete is important when your next-door neighbor lets their hearing aid go and have to watch game-shows at full volume. Or when a volcanic blast of debris that used to be your furniture and personal effects blows out of your floor-to-ceiling windows and sails flaming into the night. I suppose these things happen. Tyler: You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. Narrator: On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. Narrator: Tyler sold his soap to department stores at $20 a bar. Lord knows what they charged. It was beautiful. We were selling rich women their own fat asses back to them. Tyler: It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything. Narrator: Marla's philosophy of life is that she might die at any moment. The tragedy, she said, was that she didn't. Ricky: (to Bob) You're too old fat man. Tyler: Hi. You're going to call off your rigorous investigation. You're going to publically state that there is no underground group. Or... these guys are going to take your balls and send one to the New York Times, one to the LA Times press release style. Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we drive your ambulances. We connect your calls, we guard you while you sleep. Do not fuck with us. |
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Fry: I used to dream about being an astronaut.
I just never had the grades. Pr the physical endurance. Plus I threw up a
lot and nobody liked spending a week with me.
Fry: That's the saltiest thing I've ever eaten...and I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt! Fry: Whoa. Check out that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzalez look like Regular Gonzalez. Fry: People said I was dumb but I proved them. Fry: I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth. Bender: Interesting. No, wait, the other thing: tedious. Farnsworth: Doomsday device? Now the ball's in Farnsworth's court! I suppose I could part with one and still be feared... Parallel Universe Farnsworth: Well, getting the brain out was easy. The hard part was getting the brain out! Zapp: "Stop EXPLODING, you cowards!" Zapp: I hate these filthy neutrals, Kif! With enemies, you know where they stand, but with neutrals—who knows. It sickens me." Zoidberg: Oh no! The professor will hit me for breaking the bottle. But if Zoidberg FIXES the bottle... perhaps gifts! Mom: Jam a bastard in it you crap!Mom: I'm off to some charity BS for knocked-up teenage sluts.
Zapp: Discipline means a well made bed. You'll
practice till you can make your bed in your sleep. Bender: There. This'll teach those filthy bastards who's lovable. Bender: That plot makes perfect
sense. Wink, wink. Linda (reporter): Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies. And there'd have to be a lot of them. Elf Song Elves:
We are free and fairly sober with so many toys to build. The machines are
kind of tricky, probably someone will be killed. But we gladly work for
nothing Bender: Why you selfish little bastards! Do you want the kids to think that Santa's just a crummy empty handed jerk? Then shut your yaps and back to work! Elves: Now it's very nearly X-mas and we've done the best we could Fry: These toy soldiers are poorly painted Leela: And they're made from inferior wood Bender: I should give you all a beating but I really have to fly Santabot: If I weren't stuck here frozen I'd harpoon you in the eye! Elves: Now it's back into our tenements to drown ourselves in rye Leela: You did the best you could, I guess, and some of these gorillas are ok Elves: Hooray! We're adequate! All: The elves have rescued X-mas day! Hooray!
Narrator on TV: You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location. The kind of place where there might be a monster or some sort of weird mirror. These are just examples. It could also be something much better. Prepare to enter The Scary Door. Narrator on TV: You're on a tour through a region of mystery; a scenic route through a state park known as the human mind. You ask a passer-by for directions, only to find he has no face or something. Suddenly up ahead, a door in the road...you swerve, narrowly avoiding The Scary Door. Leela: Ok, if everyone's finished being
stupid Leela: Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life,
can't you tell the difference? Fry: They're like sex, except I'm having them! Bender: I was God once Professor: Who are those horrible orange
creatures over there? Professor: (on the phone) Oh how awful. Did he at least die peacefully? Dwight: I heard alcohol makes you
stupid. Fry: That's not why people watch TV. Clever things make people feel stupid and unexpected things make them feel scared. Professor: Oh no! I should do something....but I am already in my pajamas. Fry: But existing is basically all I do! Zapp: If we hit that bull's eye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate. Professor: (reading from a cue card) I can't marry you, for you see, I'm dying, cough, then fall over dead. Professor: Start the ship,
Leela! Let's just steal the damn radar dish, and get back to our own time. Fry: Its just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. Then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?
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Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy
it, hot women will have sex in your backyard. Lois: Ugh, typical male fantasy...women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial. Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner. Announcer: We now return to The Smurfs Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat but you're a total bitch. Peter: A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat -- you know how we have always wanted one of those! Peter: The adult in me likes the idea of fun, be the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become! Peter: Well if I'm a child then you know what that makes you? A pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert. You've Got a Lot to See The Reagan years, have laid the frame, The town of Vegas, has got a different face, You heard it from the canine's mouth,
The baldness gene, was cause for dread, The PC age, has moved the bar, Our flashy cell phones, make people mumble,
There's lots of things you may have missed,
So let's go see the USA,
Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian (he
says something else but I forget) Peter: I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about. Peter: Lois, um, go get the medical
dictionary and look up "fork" and "lung." Peter: What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put 'em in a tub and clean myself with them? That's what soap is for, Lois. Peter: Your aunt Marguerite is probably laughing at me while she's burning in hell, may she rest in peace. Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read
a book about this sort of thing once. Stewie: There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore. Peter: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the most non-competitive. So I win. Stewie: No sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you. Chris Griffin: Hey dad, look. I put
honey on my back, and now the ants are carrying me home. Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A
woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one.
Which one does she let him kill?
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HOMESTAR
RUNNER Blue Laser Commander: I just hate you so much! Strong Bad: And I don't care how they
spell things on the internet! When you e-mail me, you spell the whole word out!
And I don't care that your cell phone has a camera in it! Sweet Cuppin' Cakes Theme Song: Oh man, this is sweet cuppin' cakes! Strong Bad: What ever happened to capitalization? It used to be so coooool! Homestar: I need to be kicked in
the face They'll be all up ons! Strong Bad: Somebody get this freakin' duck away from me!
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Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible. Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called ... "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down." Little Vicky: Turn that frown
upside down! Ned Flanders: And Harry Potter, and all his wizard friends . . . went straight to Hell for practicing witchcraft!! Homer: You don't quit your job
because you don't like it, you just go in and do it really half-assed. Homer: Well, he's got all the
money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy. Homer: Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight. Homer: Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked! Homer: You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
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Spongebob: Excuse me, sir, but you're sitting on my body, which is also my face. Spongebob: For years this belt has stopped the fall of nations....and pants. Patrick: If I knew that guy, I'd have a few choice words for him. Like 'You', and 'Are', and 'A Jerk'!
Patrick: 24 Squidward: But I have a
theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right? Patrick: Dumb people are just blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are Patrick: I wumbo, you wumbo, he she me, wum-bo. Wumboing, wumbology, the study of wumbo. It's first grade Spongebob! Patrick: Hey, this pickle started off in a jar, and now it's back in a jar! Huh, it's like, a pun or something. Spongebob: If you believe in yourself, and with a tiny pinch of magic, all your dreams will come true! Patrick: I know a lot about head injuries believe..............me. Spongebob: The other day I stubbed my toe while watering my spice garden and I only cried for 20 minutes. Squid ward: (drives around in
shellcart) I bet your little piece of paper can't do this! Spongebob: Now I'm a pirate with an
eye patch...ARR! I'm a pirate! Patrick: Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everybody died. The End. SpongeBob: A one! A two! A skiddly-diddly-doo! Squidward: Let me get this
straight. You two bought a big screen television just so you could play in the
box? Mr. Krabs: I didn't want to tell
you this in front of Patrick, but that hat makes you look like a girl. Mr. Krabs: You just had to kill him. The boy cries you a sweater of tears, and you kill him Salesman fish: Some guys get all the luck. I was born with glass bones and paper skin... every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms. At night I lie in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep...
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Timmy: It's violent AND educational! But mostly violent. YAY VIOLENCE!
Cosmo: Let's play the 'Not Study Game!
Mark's Dad; What's the good news? Mom: Timmy, you know you're not supposed to make your father scream like a girl three times in one day.
Cosmo: You could melt it all with heat vision.
(Looking at the gigglepies)
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Dr. Venture: You have to be firm - give them an inch and they think they're a ruler. Hank: F*** that s***! Monarch: You - get up! I SAID GET THE
F*** UP! What's your name? Dr. Orpheus: You are one lucky duck! Oh, it must be dreamy to have a costumed nemesis, chasing you, wringing his gloved hands in concern of your every move. Dr. Venture: Dean, I'm going to turn around now, and you'd better be on fire. You're standing there in flames, and the only person who can put you out is me! Because that is the only CONCEIVABLE REASON THAT YOU WOULD WAKE ME UP LIKE THIS!!!! Pirate Captain: You're not a very
good liar, Dean, are you? Monarch: Here I am in the belly of the beast, and I don't even care. I don't even feel like taking a whiz on this. I used to dream of taking a whiz on this. Hank: Dean that's great and I can't
wait to hear all about it, only Brock's stuck inside Dad's thing that makes
people happy. But it's all evil. Dr. Venture: This is that ridiculous bee hive next to your study! You knocked me out and put me in a bag to take me 50 yards?! Monarch: Well, Hank, what's it like to be a LIAR? HUH? YOU LIKE BEING A LIAR WITH PANTS CONSTANTLY ON FIRE? Dr. Venture: If I knew you could just call the cops on him I would've done it years ago! Because I'm no sissy, no sir, I would just pick up that phone and "Officer, there's a man in a butterfly suit shooting my robot with a laser beam!" Dr. Venture: Brock, help! His freaking panda is trained to put me in a bag! Dr. Venture: HOLY DAMMIT CHRISTMAS! Monarch: So, I trust you
found the lodging provided to be agreeable? Dean: You scheme was very
clever, very clever indeed, but he's no ghost! Henchmen: I think it was two ninjas taped together to make one giant ninja!
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Dr. Cox: People aren't chocolates. You know what they mostly are? Bastards. Bastard covered bastards with bastard filling.
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©Heather O'Brien |
