| It has been called to the attention of the DC Tourism Authority that rules need to be implemented in order to protect tourists from DC natives. If you follow the following guidelines you will enjoy your stay in DC, and you will remain alive. 1) WALKING It has become painfully obvious that as a tourist, walking somehow escapes you. Your entire family/school group needn't walk at a snail's pace in a skirmish line, thereby effectively blocking anyone else's passage. This makes DC natives extremely unpleasant. "Move, you fuck-stick!" is not a standard complimentary greeting, but you should expect to hear it often. DC Law now allows District natives to eat the youngest child in your group if you are found in violation of this law. 2) METRO ETIQUETTE We know. You don't have these new-fangled train systems in Alabama. If it�s not a Ford F150, you are totally confused. However, you must be aware of the following procedures when riding the Metro, otherwise you could find yourself checked into the Rain-Man Suite of the Hotel Smackdown. Escalators- Yes, they are stairs and yes they move. It�s called technology. However, it's not Disneyworld or Opryland. You must stand on the right and walk on the left. Standing on the left could result in serious bodily injury. You don't belong there. Your children don't belong there. Your smellhound Geech (unless he is a seeing eye smellhound) does not belong there. Walk on the left. DC Law now allows residents to eliminate tourists by any means necessary in order to keep the left moving. When you reach the top/bottom of the escalator, MOVE! Don't debate where the Smithsonian is. Don't decide to do a headcount. Since the stairs move, chances are other people will be behind you. Platforms- Generally when the doors open on a train, people are going to get off. It�s not an invitation to weasel on for that choice seat near the map. (Don't worry, we'll get to the map.) DC residents are allowed to push you and all your children onto the tracks for violating this one. Subway Cars- The pole is not the one you dance on at the nudie bar back in your white trash trailer existence at home. Don't hug it, lick it or hump it. Other people may want to use it for holding on. You can be groped legally if you are humping the pole. Maps- The trains are color coded. Its not rocket science. No matter how many times you look at the map, you cannot change the direction of the train. Look once, maybe ask someone. But don't stay there staring at the map for 8 hours. The Law currently allows DC natives to pee on map gawkers. Your Two Cents- No one asked you to butt into a conversation. So don't. Your children's eyes can be removed legally for this offense. Also staring and smiling. Don't do it, or someone is allowed to pop a cap in your ass. 3) EXTERNAL BEHAVIOR Lunch- DC natives have the uncanny knack of going out between the hours of 12 and 2 PM on weekdays and buying themselves some food for consumption. Yes, we know its a whole lot to ask since you must be so hungry from doing nothing all day, but BRING YOUR OWN FUCKING LUNCH!! Nothing is more disheartening than standing in line at your favorite lunch place while 50 foul mouthed urchins debate pepperoni vs. regular/thin vs. thick crust. DC law allows natives to disembowel tourists if the lines are too long. Dinner- "Hey this bar looks good. Let's bring all of our children to this authentic DC watering hole. It's smokey and full of Washingtonians blowing off steam from a hard day. The word 'fuck' replaces the article 'the.' There are college kids every where attempting to get into each others' pants." So of course, there is no better place for your children and you to get a bite. Stick to Planet Hollywood and Hard Rock. We don't go there, so don't go into our bars. DC Law forces violating tourists to pay everyone else's bar tab for the remainder of the night. Hope you brought your AMEX. 4) DRESS CODE We had no choice but to implement a dress code in the District. You people are just too nasty. Do you watch what your children are wearing? If your daughter is 14 and weighs 200 lbs, chances are she should not be wearing a cut-off T-shirt and pants so tight, her gut has a gut. Stupid hats, visors, sunglasses and those shirts that your entire group has made just for this trip must be left at your hotels. People who violate the dress code of the district, which just requests that you dress reasonably, will be deported. So there it is. If y'all don't like it, visit Virginia. It's for lovers, after all. And whiskey tangos. You'll fit right in. |
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