| *The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound. *If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 "picture" you will receive courtesy of DMV.(However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of them English.) *Rain causes an immediate 50-point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes an immediate 100-point drop in IQ and a rush to the Giant for toilet paper and milk. *Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an "Interstate," but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. *All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Takoma Park". *If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist. *All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World. *Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows. *If asking directions in Arlington, Langley Park, Wheaton or Adams Morgan, you must know how to speak Spanish. In Annandale, a Cambodian or Vietnamese dialect will come in handy. If on Dupont Circle, Capitol Hill or U Street, a gay dialect helps. If you stop to ask directions in Southeast... well just don't. *A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you 16.75.(It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand) *The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the "slow" lane. *The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat" lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All mini-vans have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in. *Getting caught backing up on an Interstate highway because you missed your exit guarantees your Virginia residency. *If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it's May, June, July, August and sometimes September. |
| RULES OF THE ROAD |
| You have two choices. You can take your life in your hands by hiring a cab, or you can take your life in your hands by getting behind the wheel. Click! There goes the roulette wheel! |
| You Know You are In Washington DC When: 1. People just call the city "DC" 2. The government closes schools because there is a 40% CHANCE of snow (That is if they aren't already closed to tar the roofs) 3. Everyone calls the 10 inches of snow last year "THE GREAT BLIZZARD" 4. All the people on the city board know the mayor from their time in Lorton together 5. There are 15 main ways out of the city onto the highway but no signs to say where these are. 6. Drivers pick up strangers at bus stops so that they can drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 7. You spend 2 hours looking for a parking space and it's for "one hour only." 8. The road you are on is suddenly interrupted by a building. 9. People give directions by how long it will take to get somewhere at different times of the day. 10. The weather man declares the weather is suddenly a cool 89 degrees with only 90% humidity and you are happy. 11. Diplomat plates bring on anxiety attacks. 12. The weatherman calls for 2 inches of snow and you have to rushto the grocery store to buy diapers, milk, bread, and toilet paper...and you don't even have a baby. 13. You watch the World/National News to find out what to do this weekend. 14. You race for the elevator. 15. You dream of moving to the suburbs only to look out the window of your $300,000 house directly into your neighbor's window 4 feet away. 16. Nobody you know actually makes anything. 17. Most of your friends want to become "independent consultants"(or have). 18. All of your friends are either: a. Lawyers, b. Computer People, c. Work for some gov't organization with a short abbreviation (i.e.. IRS, DOD, DOE, etc..), d. Work "for the Pentagon" or "on the Hill, or for "the White House" (i.e. they work for a location, but not for anyone) 19. Knowing somebody that can get you into an embassy, The White House, or congressional party is a status symbol. 20. People talk in acronyms and they actually understand each other. 21. When you ask someone what they do for a living they respond "I would tell you but then I'd have to kill you". And they are serious. 22. You can spend every weekend going to free things, with all the billion other people who had the same idea. 23. You stop someone on the street to ask for directions, and 75% of the time they say oh sorry, they are just visiting too. |
| helpful hints: |
| you are definitely in DC when... |