The Big Hunks Poll

Finally, it's time to lay some arguments to rest. And start new ones.

First of all, thanks to everyone for submitting votes. About seventy ballots were cast.
Here's the criteria for the final rankings, in order of importance:

1. Average composite vote out of 10.

2. Frequency and rank amongst the "Top Five hunks".

3. Standard deviation of the votes. This is to factor how consistent the voting was. For instance, if a guy consistently got 7s out of 10, it probably means he's more well liked than someone else who got a bunch of 10s and then a bunch a 4s.

I used a relatively simple formula to weigh each value and let the numbers take it from there. The theoretical maximum score is about 300, but no one even came close to that.

And so, here we go, in reverse order:

The bottom rung:

Composite score of less than 9.

# 43: Derek McGrath [# 43 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
I don't need the ladies to help me out with explaining this one. I figure women would rather take their chances with a semi-evolved neanderthal like Cally's would-be husband Eb than with a sleazeball like Ozwald Valentine.

# 42: Dennis Patrick [# 42 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
Ladies, if you ever really want to get under someone's skin, put this image of Afton's nightmare in a woman's mind: being the meat in a human sandwich of Vaughn Leland and Gil Thurman. Yuck...even I feel like taking a shower now.

# 41: Don Starr [# 41 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
Sure, he's cute...if you fancy yourself as the Eva Braun type.

# 40: Jeff Cooper [# 40 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
If Dr. Elby is supposed to be the ladykiller amongst Dallas psychiatrists, go somewhere else to have a mental breakdown. The goofy smile, the wacked-out hair...ugh.

# 39: Charles Grant [# 41 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
Say what you will about Vaughn, but at least he owns a comb. This guy makes Homer Simpson look like a Renaissance man.

# 38: George Kennedy [# 39 in average, 1 fifth-place vote]
I can just imagine what sort of sweat stains he'd be parading around with after a romp with Rose.

# 37: Glenn Corbett [# 36 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
Frankly it's a surprise he's up this high. He looks a lot like Art Hindle..could be his cousin. 

The "it's closing time" bunch:

Composite score of between 9 and 14.

# 36: William Smithers [# 37 in average, 20th in Top 5 votes]
This is almost as surprising as Marilee Stone's poor showing. The Jeremy did quite well in the special mentions category but was dragged down by the double whammy of low scores and a very high standard deviation.

# 35: David Wayne [# 35 in average, 1 fifth-place vote]
I really thought he'd get more of the sympathy "daddy" vote, but I guess he's the kind only a daughter could love.

# 34: James L. Brown [# 32 in average, 2 fifth-place votes]
The closest he ever got to a sexual moment was one night when JR called him late, and he was in bed with the figure of a woman - probably one of the crew.

# 33: David Ackroyd [# 31 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
I'm really glad they recast this character. He's just way too mousy to be the real Gary. He was disliked enough to be dragged down a couple of notches.

# 32: Hunter von Leer [# 32 in average, 1 fourth-place vote]
Too mean, I guess. He's not a bad looking guy but constantly having a rifle on your arm must be kind of a turn-off.

# 31: Art Hindle [# 29 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
Ladies, if I had any idea how few decent-looking men have appeared on this show, I'd have rethought doing this poll. What in the world did someone like Kristin see in Jeff Farraday [or Jordan Lee, for that matter]? At least Jordan had some money. He made a late charge near the end to climb up about six spots.

# 30: Keenan Wynn [# 32 in average, 2 fifth-place votes]
Same comments as Digger #1, but clearly he was a bit more likable because he wasn't always drunk.

# 29: Randolph Powell [# 27 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
I'm still trying to figure out how this guy shagged both Lucy and Betty Lou. The dense forest known as his chest was clearly a turn-off. Still surprising that he's slumming down here with all the old guys.

# 28: Steve Forrest [# 30 in average, 2 fifth-place votes]
Another one who I thought would rank much higher. He's got that deep voice, the mysterious aura, and I thought his height and demeanor would push him towards the top. I sense some ageism amongst the ladies here.

# 27: Mark Lindsay Chapman [# 28 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
Gets the odd extra point for being a pretty boy, but he's just so slimy that it really makes no difference. Could have been a contender had he been on the show longer.

The also-rans

Composite score of between 14 and 30.

# 26: Morgan Woodward [# 28 in average, 1 fifth-place vote]
Have I got this right? More ladies would rather be Mavis Anderson than sleep with Steve Forrest? Mind-boggling.

# 25: Daniel Pilon [# 25 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
Things that keep you awake at night: given how he pronounces Jenna's name, how would he say yours?

# 24: Ian McShane [# 22 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
Admit it, ladies. A lot of you fell for the exotic accent and the leather jackets.

# 23: J. Eddie Peck [#24 in average, 13th in Top 5 votes]
A huge victim of variable scores. He got way too many 1s to be a serious contender. I suspect the image of Tommy terrorizing April, not to mention a hapless Rose McKay, is still in a lot of ladies' minds.

# 22: Andrew Stevens [# 23 in average, 17th in Top 5 votes]
The pretty boy gets his comeuppance! Good job, ladies. Much like Tommy, I think he was brought down by the horrible way he treated Sly and Lucy. On a personal note, I wish women were this discerning in real life; if a guy's a worm, you dump him. He also happens to be right in the midpoint of the poll.

# 21: Omri Katz [# 19 in average, one 5th and one 4th place vote]
I realize this one was tough because judging John Ross is sort of pedophilic. I hope most of you were able to picture him a teenager at least.

# 20: Barry Jenner [# 20 in average, one 5th and one 4th place vote]
I probably didn't do him a favor by putting the geeky guitar player in the same picture with him. He's a known quantity - you know where you stand with him. Good husband material, as Val puts it.

# 19: Joshua Harris [# 21 in average, 18th in Top 5 votes]
Same as John Ross. Made a late charge to stay up here. Must have gotten a lot of "cute" votes.

# 18: Timothy Patrick Murphy [# 18 in average, 22nd in Top 5 votes]
Too bad he spent most of his on-air time in a body cast. The rebel attitude really helped him reach the next level.

Almost there

Composite score of between 30 and 60.

# 17: Tom Fuccello [# 17 in average, 21st in Top 5 votes]
Really hurt by lack of quality screen time. I suspect he's up this high because he's so non-threatening. But he's more boring than baseball.

# 16: Ken Kercheval [# 16 in average, 16th in Top 5]
The first of the real mainliners to crop up on the list, and this is a bit of disappointing show for Cliff. It's not his fault - he got stuck with a lot of dumb gimmicks, weak angles, and was on jobber duty a lot. He started out as a really sensitive, likable guy, but that quickly degenerated into a constant inability to treat anybody right. Like his counterpart Jamie, he got points for consistency.

# 15: Chris Atkins [# 17 in average, 14th in Top 5]
Good show, old boy! I'm really surprised to see that Peter ended up this far ahead of Casey Denault and Tommy McKay. All three of those guys had a few shirtless scenes, so I figured we'd be able to throw a bag over them. They were right together as far as special mentions went, and all three had very high standard deviation scores, but Peter's average was significantly higher.

# 14: Ted Shackelford [# 13 in average, 19th in Top 5]
There is definitely some Knots Landing vote at work here, but that's okay. My sister hates his wardrobe, but she only gets one vote. Too bad it didn't help Joan Van Ark out as much.

# 13: Marc Singer [# 14 in average, 15th in Top 5]
A good choice. Got to do a lot of manly stuff down in Colombia, including hunt around for the kidnapped Pam without a shirt. He's also got those sparkling blue eyes.

# 12: Brad Pitt [# 12 in average, 12th in Top 5]
Purely because he's Brad Pitt. But that ain't bad.

The upper echelon

Composite score of above 60.

# 11: Howard Keel [10th/10th]
Aha! Here's that daddy vote I was talking about. Clearly he's not a father figure only for the ladies on the show. Clayton's a really decent guy and contrary to popular belief I don't have anything against him. I'll say it once more for emphasis: it's not his fault he's an ox. Tailed off towards the end; until quite late he was up in the top ten.

# 10: Steve Kanaly [9th/7th]
In many ways, a difficult character to like, but he hung around long enough to garner a following. 

# 9: Sasha Mitchell [11th/6th]
Really picked up steam towards the end to make it into the top ten. Amazing for a character who only appeared in fifty episodes.

# 8: Leigh McCloskey [8th/11th]
Mitch Cooper is exactly the kind of guy I hated when I was in medical school - probably because he got more attention than I did. His attitude needs some work, but he deserves to be amongst the top ten. Had a great average and the variability was decently low.

# 7: Jared Martin [6th/9th]
I get the impression from the ladies that he's possibly one of the most non-threatening of the bunch. He's probably also got the best voice. Lost his sixth spot to Mark very late in the game.

# 6: John Beck [4th/7th]
As a guy, my first instinct would be to say that this is the result of the female "I want to be swept off my feet" fantasy. Personally, I have a real problem with a guy who so blatantly makes advances towards a married woman, no matter what the circumstances are. I didn't mind Mark much during the dream season.

# 5: Jack Scalia [5th/5th]
He's always been one of my favorite guest stars. I'm informed by the ladies who are helping me with the write-ups that he's got all the right stuff, and the rugged good looks are a bonus.

# 4: Jim Davis [7th/4th]
DA MAN does surprisingly well. I'm glad to see that people were able to see through the gruff exterior and chauvinism, typical of his generation, to realize that he's got a heart of gold.

# 3: Dack Rambo [2rd/3th]
I had him figured for an easy second place, and he held it for a while. He was well ensconced in second place in the average category, but he just didn't garner enough support in the Top 5 category. Given that he only appeared in as many episodes as Sasha Mitchell, this is tremendously impressive.

# 2: Larry Hagman [3th/2nd]
Much like Linda Gray, Larry vaults towards the top because of a multitude of special mentions. His standard deviation scores were very high; quite a few 1s mixed in with the 10s.

# 1: Patrick Duffy [1st/1st]
The guy AVERAGED an 8.9. Only 3 times did he get a score of less than 8. To paraphrase Tom Glavine in one of my favorite commercials of all time, "Chicks dig Patrick Duffy."

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