The Big Babes Poll Results

Finally, it's time to lay some arguments to rest. And start new ones.

First of all, thanks to everyone for submitting votes. About a hundred and twenty ballots were cast. Here's the criteria for the final rankings, in order of importance:

1. Average composite vote out of 10.

2. Frequency and rank amongst the "Top Five babes".

3. Standard deviation of the votes. This is to measure how consistent the voting was. For instance, if a lady consistently got 7s out of 10, it probably means she's more well liked than someone else who got a bunch of 10s and then a bunch a 4s.

I used a relatively simple formula to weigh each value and let the numbers take it from there. The theoretical maximum score is about 300, but no one even came close to that.

And so, here we go, in reverse order:

The bottom rung:

Composite score of less than 10.

# 58: Martha Scott [# 58 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
Patricia Shepard was a totally unredeemably unlikable character. She almost stayed out of the basement based on a couple of above-average scores. It is inconceivable how a person like this could have given birth to two women in the top ten of this poll.

# 57: Karen Carlson [# 57 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
I have absolutely nothing redeeming to say about Mrs. Scottfield, and apparently neither does anyone else. Surprisingly, a few people ranked her higher than 3 out of 10. She was at the bottom until quite late.

# 56: Alexis Smith [# 56 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
This was a bit of a surprise to me, as there are quite a few ladies who turn me off more than Jessica Montfort. She had a better average than some but was penalized for having a rather high variability in scores - she actually got a few eights and nines! When you're averaging four, having groupies doesn't help.

# 55: Karlene Crockett [# 56 in average, one fifth-place vote]
I never found Muriel Gillis' friendship with Lucy to be very believable, because she's not your stuck-up rich snobby type. My guess: Muriel was one of those lonely, nerdy types who let Lucy cheat off of her math tests in the second grade. I personally don't find her ugly. She earns a point in my book for being fertile.

# 54: Alice Hirson [# 54 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
When I captured the picture of Mavis Anderson you see here, I almost rethought giving her a 1 out of 10. I really did. She actually looks pretty good here. Then I scrambled through some of my tapes to see if I could find any look even remotely approaching this and I could not.

# 53: Barbara Babcock [# 55 in average, 1 fifth -place vote]
I've seen Barbara Babcock in other shows such as Dr.Quinn, and I know she's not that hideous. Why in the world did the Dallas producers make Liz Craig seem so? It sure didn't help that 99% of her scenes were with Victoria Principal...but on Dr.Quinn, she's almost always seen with the lovely Jane Seymour, so that can't be it. I'd say her voice is her worst feature.

# 52: Priscilla Pointer [# 51 in average, 1 fifth-place vote]
Hard to believe that the producers would have us believe that from the very ordinary Rebecca Wentworth were sprung the exquisite Katherine and the divine Pamela.

# 51: Donna Reed [# 50 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
Fake Ellie, we hardly knew ye. At least from your tenure on Dallas. Even the fact that for one season, you relieved us from the dreaded Ellie sack dress collection, didn't seem to matter much. Your counterpart made it really tough on you. Unlike some of the other ladies in the poll who are better known for starring roles on other shows, it didn't seem to help you much. Had she been about ten years younger or so, she might have done better. But don't think for a moment that no one over forty need apply for membership in the elite group...

# 50: Meg Gallagher [# 52 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
If anyone out there is working on a picture version of Webster's dictionary, feel free to use Louella's picture to illustrate the word "frump". A shame the wardrobe guys only seemed to have that one ugly purple dress in her size, and nothing else. They could have been nice enough to rent her some personality, because she doesn't have much else to offer us.

The "It's closing time" bunch:

Composite score of between 10 and 20.

# 49: Jeri Gaile [# 48 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
Frankly, this is a real surprise. It just goes to show how many lovely women have been on this show. Her passable beauty is completely mitigated by her annoying voice, personality, and out-and-out skankiness. Rose McKay is a great example of how having a high standard deviation value can really affect your ranking. She got a few 10s, but there were just too many 1s to really make a difference.

# 48: Fern Fitzgerald [# 46 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
I know a lot of people who are going to demand a recount over this one. But a score over seven was extremely rare for "Dallas's answer to Vampira". There's a faction of guys out there who think that a romp with Marilee Stone would be a lot of fun, but apparently most of us are really turned off. The fact that she got no special mentions can't be a coincidence.

# 47: Francine Tacker [# 49 in average, 2 fifth-place votes]
She was Jenna #2. It's a tough act to be sandwiched between Morgan Fairchild and Priscilla Presley. She was decent looking, but that and a nickel will get you five cents in this poll.

# 46: Susan Lucci [# 42 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
Now this one is just sad. Were people so disgusted by her character, or the poor quality of the show when she appeared, that they're taking it out on her? I find Susan Lucci to be a very attractive woman. I guess not enough guys watch "All My Children" to push her into the next group.

# 45: Jeanna Michaels [# 476in average, 1 fifth-place vote]
I nearly demanded a recount over this one...until I realized I was the one who was doing the counting in the first place. How come no one likes Connie? Just because her boss was too much of a gentleman to seduce her, and she didn't feel like turning herself into a cheap hooker?

# 44: Deborah Tucker [# 45 in average, 1 fifth-place vote]
Debra Lynn was another character who suffered from too little screen time. Enough people found her unattractive to drag her into the depths.

# 43: Susan Flannery [# 41 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
Another victim of the numbers game. Not everybody can be in the top half. And I daresay that the platinum blonde look was really just not right for Leslie Stewart. The producers tried to create a sexual dimension for her, but for some reason she never really seemed to fit into that role. Frankly, I think the whitish hair made her looked too old for her to be a believable babe.

# 42: Gayle Hunnicutt [# 43 in average, 26nd in Top 5 votes]
AHN Mike has told me that Gayle was a great looking woman in her day. I remember her as a guest star on an episode of "Get Smart" and I agree with him. Alas, her day had clearly passed when Vanessa Beaumont arrived on the Dallas scene. The red hair was a nice idea but she might have wanted to get it done by a professional before getting on the set.

# 41: Kehly Gray Sloane [# 39 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
I couldn't really find a good full-length picture of her, or she might have done a little bit better, because she's got body parts in all the right places. I guess being Linda Gray's daughter isn't enough with this tough crowd. Rises two points for consistent 4s and 5s.

The middle tier

Composite score of between 20 and 30.

# 40: Deborah Marie Taylor [# 44 in average,1 third-place vote]
Cassie's replacement Debbie was nowhere near as popular as Cassie herself, despite the lovely shock of blonde hair. I guess the fact that the Oil Baron's Club migrated to a much more conservative uniform didn't help.

# 39: Amy Stock [# 36 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
I would have thought that Lisa Alden would be much higher up than this. Clearly, her senseless heel turn did more damage to the character than anyone could have anticipated. Being a dumb blonde with a sweet profile is usually a plus for these kinds of polls.

# 38: Barbara Carrera [# 40 in average, 19th in Top 5 votes]
Another victim of high variability. Normally, the number of Top 5 votes would have brought Angelica up to the next level. Too many of us remember the hideous outfits.

# 37: Sherril Lynn Katzman [# 37 in average, 1 fifth-place vote]
Jackie rose to # 33 at one point before settling here, because of very consistent scores. Not too many eights or nines, but there weren't very many ones or twos either. Sherril never really got the chance to show off the goods, probably of her own choosing.

# 36: Joan Van Ark [# 30 in average, 0 Top 5 votes]
Basically, she choked. She was at # 29 until Thursday and just could not hold it. Didn't get the Knots Landing vote that she needed to stay up there.

# 35: Leigh Taylor-Young [# 38 in average, 31st in Top 5]
Too many wacky outfits and overall sluttiness did poor Kimberly in. She's the perfect actress for a soap opera because she's great at teasing but I'll wager the follow-through isn't worth it. She would often lounge around in provocative poses and there was that one time when she came to JR's office with a fur coat and the smile on her face. You know what? I wasn't interested.

# 34: Irena Ferris [# 33 in average, 3 Top 5 votes]
It's got to be the poodly hair. Tammy Miller, what are you thinking? More importantly, what was Bobby thinking?

# 33: Deirdre Imershein [# 35 in average, 23rd in Top 5]
Bet #1 that I would have lost: Jory Taylor will not be ranked higher than her mother. I guess the fact that most of the time we saw her on the beach helped, because she's got a nice rack.

# 32: Shalane McCall [# 34 in average, 30th in Top 5 votes]
Amazing. I put up a picture of Charlie with that red dress, and she can't even crack the top half. Come to think of it, I would have really liked to have put Charlie's friend Marnie in this poll. Remember their school dance? I would have dumped Charlie for Marnie in a heartbeat.

# 31: Barbara Eden [# 29 in average, 32th in Top 5 votes]
Being somewhat past her prime didn't seem to hurt Barbara as much as it did Gayle Hunnicutt. I guess being blonde, having a million-dollar smile, and a great body helps.

#30: Jenilee Harrison [# 32 in average, 24th in Top 5 votes]
Given the right look, she can be a real head-turner. Given the ridiculous wardrobe she was subjected to most of the time, she's very forgettable.

# 29: Colleen Camp [# 31 in average, 16th in Top 5 votes]
I thought this picture of Kristin the First would help, but I guess I was wrong. The nice cleavage obviously wasn't enough of a distraction away from the Grand Canyon-sized tooth gap. Made a good charge towards the end to be at the midpoint of the poll.

# 28: Danone Simpson [# 19 in average, 1 fifth-place vote]
Lack of support in the top five was a problem for good ol' Kendall. She never really got the chance to become more than a dumb blonde with a great body. Which, as I mentioned, is not too bad for the purposes of this poll.

The Miss Congenialities

Composite score of between 30 and 40.

# 27: Tina Louise [# 24 in average, 34th in Top 5 votes]
Like Jenilee Harrison and Barbara Eden, who are much better known for shows other than Dallas, I wonder if Julie Grey is not getting some "Gilligan's Island" votes here. Frankly, I thought that her Dallas look was below average.

# 26: Stephanie Blackmore [# 27 in average, 18th in Top 5 votes]
Just managed to nudge her score above 30. Surprising, since her entire purpose for the show was sexual. I always liked the hair and she's very pretty, but the rest of the body just didn't seem enticing enough.

# 25: Morgan Fairchild [# 25, 1 first-place vote]
Let's get this straight: this is purely on the basis of being Morgan Fairchild. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

# 24: Deborah Tranelli [# 21 in average, 4 Top 5 votes]
This is what consistent scores, not to mention being more down-to-earth than flashy, will get you. This is surprisingly high for a completely nonsexual character. Personally, I always liked Phyllis - there's just something about the quiet ones. You're always wondering what it would take to release the wild woman inside.

# 23: Susan Howard [# 23 in average, 29th in Top 5]
The lowest ranking of the "true" mainline cast. Susan was probably the best-kept secret on the show. If she didn't have to continually job to Macho Man Ray Krebbs, the producers could have turned Donna into a great character. They should have kept her hair long, her demeanor tough, and her outfits reasonably sexy. Then she would have hit the top ten, no question. Probably because of the timing of this poll, she came down to here from # 18 in the last week.

# 22: Lesley-Anne Down [# 27 in average, 20th in Top 5]
I can only explain this in the same vein as Julie Grey. Clearly I am unfamiliar with her other, obviously superior, work. She's pretty enough but needs some serious orthodontal work.

# 21: Merete Van Kamp [# 22 in average, 22nd in Top 5]
One of my personal favorites, but alas I only get one vote. It's worth pointing out that this is pretty good for a character for whom ninety percent of the dialogue was, "Yes, Angelica." And make no mistake that Grace had the goods too.

# 20: Margaret Michaels [# 26 in average, 21st in Top 5]
While I applaud Jeanne O'Brien being in such a high position, I wonder whether it would have been so if Victoria Principal hadn't spent nine years on the show. The picture that you see was one of her worse looks - I wasn't able to find a really good shot of her while she was showing Bobby some houses. She had a perfectly fitting dress and her hair was up behind her ears. Awesome.

# 19: Barbara Stock [# 20 in average, 28nd in Top 5]
Amazing for a character who spent only one season on the show. It must be that sweet smile Liz Adams has...when she uses it. I went through five tapes to find this so-so picture. She could have upped her stock with some hair work.

# 18: Beth Toussaint [# 15 in average, 27th in Top 5]
A whole lot of sexy scenes were responsible for this. Tracey Lawton certainly was never afraid to take off her clothes when asked. Remember the pajama party at Southfork, the night of JR and Cally's wedding?

# 17: Anne Lucas [# 17 in average, 25rd in Top 5]
It's got to be Cassie's shamelessly low-cut outfits. I honestly have no other explanation.

# 16: Karen Kopins [# 18 in average, 17th in Top 5]
Bet # 2 that I would have lost: Donna would rank ahead of Kay Lloyd, no question. I'm glad I'm not a betting man. I never questioned that Kay was attractive - she's lovely. I just questioned her compatibility with Bobby vis-a-vis April. Quite the following she has.

The upper echelon

Composite score of above 45.

# 15: Barbara Bel Geddes [16th/5th]
Bet # 3 that I would have lost: Ellie makes the top fifteen. There's no way in hell anyone could have seen this one coming. Until just a few days ago, she was holding NINTH place, and you see how well she did in earning special mentions. I am not, however, surprised that she did well; I was the first one to say that I thought BBG was a fine looking woman. I just wouldn't have guessed that so many others thought so.

# 14: Annabel Schofield [14th/14th]
Laurel Ellis was the only babe amongst the top fifteen who only appeared in one season. I would have really liked to see her stick around for a while longer. A British woman with perfect teeth - why did the producers let this one get away? Get her out of her bonzai studio and let her lounge around the Southfork pool for a while.

# 13: Kimberly Foster [13th/9th]
A genuine surprise for a heel character - and a pectorally challenged one at that. I guess people warmed up to her in the last days of Dallas when Michelle was really the only female character around. She did give us some fairly sexy scenes during her short tenure.

# 12: Morgan Brittany [11th/13th]
Another personal disappointment for me. Katherine's weighed down by her relatively small but devoted fan base. Very surprising for someone who dressed as splendidly as she did. Whether she was wearing a blouse, an evening gown, or lingerie I found her to be irresistible. For me, it was the seductive eyes and the delectably evil personality.  

# 11: Lois Chiles [10th/12th]
Bad news, Holly: if you want to play with the big girls, you'll need more ammunition in the form of top five votes. But don't you dare do anything to that figure of yours. Might want to consider putting the curlers away, too.

# 10: Charlene Tilton [12th/6th]
Hey now, Charlene! Not bad. Not bad at all. On a more sobering note: you should have milked your fame for more while it lasted, honey. Here in Canada, we have a new cable TV service available which Charlene Tilton is being a spokesperson for. That's the good news. The bad news is that the only other spokespeople are other washed-up stars who couldn't make it in the real world of Hollywood, including Jimmie Walker and Ron Palillo [Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter]. These guys are beyond our help, but certainly you've still got the body to do a believable and tantalizing love scene.

# 9: Audrey Landers [9th/11th]
Afton just barely makes the top ten. This is a really good showing for her. She's got all the goods to be much higher up, had she stuck with the show longer. The wardrobe guys did a good job with her.

# 8: Priscilla Presley [8th/16th]
Held back because of a lack of votes in the top five. Certainly she, more than anyone else, benefited from my request to vote based on when you MOST liked the character. I daresay that if we voted based on her 1987 look, she'd be slumming around with her daughter. If I were Elvis, I would certainly NOT have left the building while I had a choice. Well...maybe after Pam woke up and Jenna suddenly decided that nobody cared how her hair looked. This picture is from the 1984 Oil Baron's Ball, back when Dallas was a true babefest.

# 7: Mary Crosby [5th/10th]
Kristin has always been a really popular pick. Everybody loves the sexy bad girl, second only to the REALLY sexy good girl. Those ones are below. She would have been a lock for the top five if she hadn't jobbed to gravity. Sometimes she looks really grungy [especially the hair] and certain camera angles are downright unflattering to her. But from the neck down, she can hold her own with anyone.

# 6: Cathy Podewell [7th/8th]
Oh hell yeah. Cally was a perfect addition to the show right when it really needed a shot in the arm. It's a shame the writers couldn't have kept her sweet, innocent, vulnerable country girl personality alive in the final weeks, because that was her allure. She stands the best chance of fulfilling the mail-order bride fantasy that every guy has once in a while - you know the one. The one where you could pick a beautiful lady out of a book and then sort of mold her into whatever you wanted her to be.

# 5: Deborah Rennard [6th/7th]
Now we move up to the heavy hitters. Sly is breathtakingly beautiful just sitting at her desk doing nothing. Put her next to a pool, or sucking on a beer bottle, and now you're talking real temptation. Better than that sex dream with Katie Holmes and Jennifer Love Hewitt. Plus, since she stood by JR through thick and thin, you know she's yours forever once you've got her.

# 4: Deborah Shelton [2rd/4th]
Wow again. A year ago I would have been truly shocked by this, but enough people told me that they think Mandy's the hottest thing on two legs that I've come to expect it. The ladies from two through seven were practically in a dead heat based on average score, which made the secondary criteria of standard deviation and top five votes much more important than they ordinarily would be. I personally see her with more of the trash than the class, and unfortunately for her lots of people agree with me.

# 3: Sheree J. Wilson [3rd/3rd]
A fine example of the power of the babyface. Had Dallas ended when Pam blew up, Sheree would have been a footnote in the annals of TV history. She took the opportunity to fill the void left behind by Victoria Principal and ran for a touchdown. Certainly a little bit of "Walker, Texas Ranger" vote is at work here, but what's wrong with that? The bottom line is that she's gorgeous. Among the top bunch, only Pam and Jenna had lower standard deviations. April didn't get an overwhelming amount of 10s, but almost always pulled out between a six and a nine. If only she would work out on those pecs a bit...

# 2: Linda Gray [4th/2nd]
The power of the Top Five vote. As I mentioned above, two through seven were too close to call, but Sue Ellen was far and away the leader in special mentions. Her metamorphosis from a mousy, irritating snob to a refined, desirable paragon of womanhood is truly amazing and so gradual at times that if you blink you might miss it. This picture is from 1982, just before she remarried JR. Almost perfect.

# 1: Victoria Principal [1st/1st]
Nobody was even close. I had to experiment with several different formulas because every time I ran the numbers, it was completely skewed in Vicki's favor. You can count on one hand the number of times she was given a score of less than seven out of ten. Even if Sue Ellen had gotten twenty more 10s out of ten, and gotten all twenty of those mentions as the top Dallas babe, and Pam had gotten twenty scores of 1 out of ten, Vicki would STILL be ahead.
I asked myself whether I could really give her my No.1 vote despite the fact that she so annoying a lot of the time. The answer popped into my head immediately: IT DOESN'T MATTER if she's annoying. The way I looked at this poll [and I hope others did too] is how nice would it be to get stuck on a desert island with this person? That was my basis for voting, and I can't in good conscience deny that Pam would be the one for me. How many annoying things could she do on a desert island?

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