HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

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GUIDING POINT #1:

People need to get the results of their actions.  Thus if a person acts like an asshole they need to be responded to in kind - that is the only way they will learn.  The world must be a mirror or people will not learn what they have to learn because they are not getting feedback.

Thus the best thing you can do for someone is give them honest, accurate, instructive feedback.

This is not easy, but it is the best thing.

GUIDING POINT #2:

Healthy people are self-sufficient in every way (emotionally, physically, financially, etc).  I believe healthy relationships are distinguished by thoroughly honest communications with practically no secrets from each other, deep respect and love for each other, and the capacity for lots of  mutually beneficial interactions with each other.

But most important, the individuals in a healthy relationship are self-sufficient with minimal dependence on each other, especially emotionally and financially.  Thus healthy relationships consist of two healthy people who are independent and self-sufficient, but who have a great time together sharing their wealth and interests (both different and the same), and who probably also enjoy building something lasting together (such as a household or a business).

Healthy people are only attracted to other healthy people, and are in turn found attractive generally only by other healthy people, who are only interested in healthy relationships.  Thus they do not find unhealthy people attractive because the unhealthy people have less of a capacity for honest, open, relationships with a focus on love, respect, and growth.  In turn, unhealthy people generally do not find healthy people attractive because the healthy people have no interest in playing their unhealthy games with them, and they cannot manipulate or exploit the healthy people.  Healthy people have no interest in manipulating and exploiting other people period.

The depth of a relationship is determined by the capacity of the persons involved for honest communication and growth.  If one person cannot be honest, or does not understand, or has low self-awareness, then the other person guards themselves emotionally appropriately.  This is then also good for the other person because then they get clear results of their actions (Guiding Point #1), which helps them learn about how they are in the present, and how they might improve for the future.

Relationship is friendship.  That is the defining factor - the depth and quality of the friendship involved.

GUIDING POINT #3:

For each action in relation to others is:  I ponder, "what would this person's best friend do, someone who really cares about them, is really concerned about their welfare and their future?"  I then do accordingly.

This includes Guiding Point #1, because a true friend gives honest, accurate, instructive feedback, because a true friend cares about long-term health, benefits, etc.

Being a best friend also does not mean doing things for the other person at one's own expense, but means doing what is best for both of you in the long run.  It does the other person no good for you to sacrifice your well-being unneccessarily.

The friendship is the most important thing.  Things are judged according to how they help or hinder the friendship.  Thus the friendship becomes so strong that as things change and come and go, the friendship is only made stronger.  Even sex is not as important as the friendship and is only done if it helps the friendship.

GUIDING POINT #4:

The above Guidelines are difficult to impliment, even painful, but life is difficult and painful in general.

At least with these Guidelines you are building something that has long-range potential, that is dependable and stable, and yet open to change and growth.

Life is painful and scary, but if the pain and fearful things are based on actions that are honest and growth oriented, then the lessons learned will lead to joys and peacefulness which are much more long-lasting, independent of changing circumstances and people, dependable, and stable.

American life is too focused on comfort.  Comfort does not lead to long range enjoyment, learning, benefits, etc., and is thus like a drug.

Drugs in general lead to artificial joy and peace and excitement, and thus do not lead to long range benefits.  This is true of anything which is a sort-cut to artificial joys, peace, and excitements.  In fact, these short-cuts  hurt the ability to endure short range pain and fear.  This is serious because then it is harder to be honest, etc., because one cannot endure the accompanying short-term pain, etc.   Thus one misses out on the lessons that result from that honesty, etc., and thus one misses out on the long range benefits that come from such lessons.

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