Nicholas Collins, head coach of Team Collins, has declared that he will be running against incumbent Republican Mike DeWine for one of Ohio's Senate seats in 2004.
This comes as a shock to Team Collins players and the rest of the Northwestern community, who did not see coach Collins as any type of authority figure.
"I mean, he loves my cooking," Team Collins defenseman Chef Boyardee said. "I don't understand why he would want to leave us like that. I feel so used"
Collins is returning to Oxford tomorrow morning to officially begin his campaign.
"I'm really excited about this whole politics thing," Collins, a Republican, said. "I mean, don't senators get to wear suits everyday and stuff like that?"
Other Team Collins players are supporting their coach all the way.
"He's such a sweetie," little-used forward and token minority Aunt Jemima said. "I'm sure he'd make a deeee-licious senator!"
Collins has a proven record as social chair of the Hinman League, but many are questioning Collin's motives, considering that he has not yet even announced his candidacy with the Ohio State Department of Elections - nor does he plan on doing so.
Meanwhile, local teams are concerned with this breaking news that could have unforseen repercussions in Hinman athletics and Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream sales.
"Wait a second, hold the phone," close friend and Team Sterrett coach David Sterrett said. "Does this mean I have to call him Senator Dipshit now, or what?"
"The public needs to know about this," Tsai said at a press conference in front of his attractive sister. "My love for 'snookems' just can't be hidden."
Tsai refused to refer to Collins by proper name and insisted on using his pet name for him.
Collins responed from his off-season base in Oxford.
"I have never talked or even touched the man in my life," Collins said. "Snookems is lying!"
Collins then retracted his statement after seeing the picture (right) where he is clearly being touched by Tsai with a big smile on his face.
Meanwhile, Collins' fiance, Team Refuerzo head coach Aubrey Refuerzo, has broken her silence.
"If the rumors are true, he better buy me dinner," she said. "He isn't going to get away with it."
December 13, 2002
Michael DeWine (incumbent) 49.2%
Nicholas Collins 46.8%
Sherman, Night Supervisor at BK 4.0%
January 21, 2003
Michael DeWine (incumbent) 51.3%
Sherman, Night Supervisor at BK 36.3%
Nicholas Collins 12.4%
"I realized that it was wrong to try and hide the affair," Collins said in his 45-second speech that interrupted an episode of the Simpsons, making his poll numbers drop even more. "I should have videotaped myself making smoochy faces at snookems and sold them over the internet. That's what I should have done, and I apologize."
At his side, fiance Aubrey Refuerzo had duct tape over her mouth.
Meanwhile, Collins is also taking the Daily 1835 to court. His letter to the editor is shown below.
Dear Editor:
This is a formal announcement of my intent to bring the Daily 1835 to court with a libel lawsuit.
The malicious allegations of my affair with the Team Tsai coach are targeted only to harm. The results of the article's publication have been awful and far reaching.
My numbers have fallen from 47 to 12 in my bid for DeWine's seat in the senate. Also I have been disowned by my family which disapproves of homosexual relations due to their conservative nature. I had been able to keep my family in the dark by simply referring to my snookems by "Geney" thereby presenting a false front as to the gender of my new life partner.
As a result I can no longer pay for my education here at Northwestern and must press for my election in the Senate all the harder because my backup plan has now been compromised. I'd like to take this opportunity to say Vote Collins in '04, or I'll be out on the street. And don't blame me for my love of snookems, if you say what Team Tsai is capable of, none of you could help yourselves.
Sincerely,
Nicholas A. Collins
P.S. That Aubrey hoe gets no dinner and no nothing, she's there as arm candy for my upcoming campaign, and she'd better know her damn role.
In what could hardly be considered a shock considering the bizarre nature of Ohio Senate hopeful Nicholas Collins' campaign, his fiance (Aubrey Refuerzo)and mistress/Asian beau (Eugene Tsai) were seen doing a litle more than friendly dacing at last weekend's Hinman formal.
"What pisses me off the most is that fact that Eugene didn't dance with me," a distraught Andy Garland said. "I mean, what do I have to do to get noticed around here? Wear some bizarre-colored, vertically-striped pants that I bought at some thrift store and didn't wash prior to me putting them on??"
Michael DeWine 36.4 %
Sherman 32.7%
Nicholas Collins 30.8%