Greetin's, primarily overweight cretins!

The name's McClean [as a whistle], Clancy McClean [as a whistle].  As always, I am here toiling over a luxurious laptop on board the most luxurious of luxury yachts somewhere off the coast of Barbados.  It's quite a sight, folks.  'Picturesque' doesn't come close.  The most descriptive narrator in a Vyle promo doesn't come close... 

...Actually, forget that.  This is my post-Destiny Fulfilled break.  The fact that yours consists of an ornate trip to the local beer garden will not get me down.  I'm here to provide a service, ladies and germs.  A service that just might save your life.  The benefits of said service are ten-fold.  Picture yourself at gunpoint.  Your entire family's life hangs in the balance.  The attacker asks of you one simple command in return for all of your lives - "Define Squillionaire".  What do you do, idiot?  You've sucked your wifebeater dry of the barbeque fat from the night before...  You actually managed to remove the majority of your breakfast from your beard before leaving the house...  You've got nowhere to turn.  What do you do?  What do you do?

I'll tell you what you do.  You march your overweight behind down to your local newstand and you but this week's edition of Hotwire magazine!  Sure, if you're reading this, you've already done that.  But still.  Buy it again.  HOWEVER...  I amn't actually here to advise you as to how many copies of certain top-quality GZW2K1 publications you should purchase.

I'm here to talk about one thing.  One specific thing.  Recently, we witnessed what was the single largest event in GZW's storied history of single, large events.  No, I'm not talking about the emergence of "The Cairns Opinion"...  I'm talking, of course about FALLOUT: DESTINY FULFILLED!!!

Bold letters => The attention of stupid people.  Remember that.  You stupid person.

Anyway, from the comfortable distance of a thousand miles and a swarm of elite guards, I cordially invite you to join me (not literally, of course...  'Metaphorically') as I step through the looking glass and dissect, for the second time now, The Fallout From Fallout [:Destiny Fulfilled, that is]...  No more foreplay...  No more appetetisers or warm-up dog treats...  This is it, filth.  Join me - JOIN ME - As I get down to business...

...JUST BUSINESS, that is.  Yeah, no exclamation mark today.  There'll be plenty of those to come.  I wouldn't want to overheat those minute little brains of yours, now would I? 

No, I wouldn't.

Before I dive into the thick, meaty goulash that was Fallout: Destiny Fulfilled and the generous paprika seasonings on top, I feel that now is the right time to introduce a new subsection to this already ground-breaking column - Clancy's Quote Quota!  Basically, I keep an extra keen eye on GZW TV and just wait for some poor bastard to slip up and say something stupid or, adversely, some for some great philosophical mind to really think outside the box and blurt out something profound in between insane screams and grunts.  Today's Quota is six, just to outdo the substandard 'top five' promo guys in the, well, substandard 'Cairns Opinion'.

6. Eclipse (Fallout: Destiny Fulfilled):
"Dis right here… Dis is what ya’ll are gonna have to deal wit. Ya’ll ain’t seen nothin’ from me yet… And if ya thought what I did to Cleaver was fucked up, just sit tight and watch. Things are about to get interestin’. And once I’m done dustin’ my hands off tonight, dat’s when da real shit starts. Dats when Bad Attitude becomes a threat to all ya’ll foos."
THAT is the Eclipse I know and supported during the What Money Can Buy era...  What a man, folks.  I couldn't have put it better myself.  It's a matter of time now, folks.

5. Chris Cairns (Fallout: Destiny Fulfilled):
"Obviously not, Mr. McClean... The sensible among us know what a kind-hearted and compassionate manager you really are."
Whoa, say no more.  When a novice commends a superior on even one of his many excellent jobs done, it brings a smile to my face.  Fair play, Chris.  You're not so terrible yourself.  Not that terrible, anyway...

4. "The Renaissance Man" Clancy "The Philanthropist" McClean (Fallout: Destiny Fulfilled):
“We’ll see you in hell, Clarence…”
See what I did there at Destiny Fulfilled?  In just seven syllables, I excommunicated that deadbeat, Reject, from this great company forever.  In fact, I might as well have quoted my entire speech from that night on here, but I wouldn't want to appear biased...

3. ZeKe (Fallout: Destiny Fulfilled):
"Yeah ok sorry any chance I can lend the twins for a bit then?? I thought I come here and watch you kick sum ass but I’m a little annoyed you don't remember me though"
What?  This is the week in quotes...  I couldn't get away without at least one token 'mess'.  Anyway, what the hell was this about?  My man Pimp Bizkit shouldn't have to converse with this type of person just moments before defending his World Heavyweight Championship.  Let's just go with 'That guy's an idiot' and move on.  How does one go about 'lending twins', though?  Actually...  Did I say one token 'mess'?  Let's go with another two.

2. Seven (Fallout: Destiny Fulfilled):
“The remains of all the deceased greats will be burned until I get what I want”
Uhm...  OK?  Keep in mind, this was moments after our W.C.E.K. Television Champion exhumed the remains of W.C.E.K. ("Wild Card" Eddie Knoxville... 'Duh) and burned them.  The fact that I'm the definition a gentlemen stops me from asking that one question everybody must ask after seeing this, but seriously...  You can figure it out.  Actually, wait.  You're you, aren't you.  Let's just say it's FTW backwards and it rhymes with Pot The Muck...  This a new gimmick or what?  Yikes.

What could possibly be number one?  Any guesses?  Wait - What's this?  A conveniently placed ad for the Chris Cairns Show right before the announcement of Clancy's Quote Of The Week?

Ouch.  Stop.  No, nothing's worth that back-alley mugging of the eyes!

1. Seven (March 24th, 2005):
"NEVER HAVE I ONCE DENIED ALLIGATIONS THAT I'M PAST MY PRIME."
From what was a veritable goldmine of a promo, I found this to be the most pertinent line.  Pure, raw emotion from the self proclaimed "Evilest Son Of  A Bitch Ever", a rare display of honesty that you often don't get in today's GZW2K1.  I commend you, Seven.  You're a rare breed - A man far young too genuinely be 'past his prime' that, somehow, genuinely is 'past his prime', yet has the balls to admit it.  Keep up the, eh, work.

Phew.  I'm glad that's over, but I'm more glad to tell you that I've maxed out Clancy's Quote Quota for this week.  A good start across the board.  I'd like to point out that what you just read, nothing more than a warm-up exercise for the C-Man, would be the equivalent of The Bible for Chris Cairns and his lacklustre Opinion...  Just thought I'd point that out. 

Aaaaanyway...

Fallout: Destiny Fulfilled aired recently, and it was certainly a night to remember.  Sadly, I am aware that 90% of possess the memory of goldfish, so perhaps you could write the following down on that sock holding your left arm in place after that pitchfork attack by your wife's husband's brother - who also happens to be your daughter - and read it every morning as something of a ritual exercise.  Just an idea.

The first match of the night saw Gabriel make his in-ring debut after a week or so of intentionally vague promotional vignettes.  Intentional, I say?  Yes, intentional.  Yeah, he tore through "SiDeShOw" SeAn.  Big whoop.  That was his warm-up exercise.  The surprise was still to come.  I know you've all seen it, but I also know you've probably forgotten all about it by now.  Just remember the words 'intentionally vague'.  Perhaps there's some room left on that sock...

The second of about three hundred and seventy-seven squash/debut matches saw The Root, Amun Ma'at, take on former GZW2K1 Tag Team Champion and current heatless, gimmickless deadbeat, Willie Haire.  Shane Ryder showed up and single-handedly sucked up about a year of precious PPV time telling us his life story...  The Root shows up and neither man looks particularly happy...  Nothing happens...  Nothing happens...  Willie gets counted out.  The end.  Everyone lives happily ever after.  Except The Root, though.  He would later go through hell in a dramatic soap opera of backstage segments.  Poor guy.

I'll be honest - I just closed my eyes and slapped on some Miles Davis and John Coltrane during the snoozapalooza's that were Karl Marx vs. "Mr. Big" Nathan W. and Brute versus Mikey Mell...  Perhaps somebody less important like Chris Cairns might do an expose on these two 'matches' in his next Opinion...

I was glad to see Eclipse cut a particularly fiery promo on the disgrace that is his treatment by the booking committee, an excerpt of which came in at #6 in Clancy's Quote Quota above.  There's a reason he was a key member of What Money Can Buy, y'know.  He's going places, you muthafuckin' foo's.

The five-minute steel cage match between commentators "Village Idiot" Todd Crumb and "Clancy's Friend" Joshua Samson tragically ended in the return of Mychael Lord.  The Gamebreaker better be back to take his game up a notch after my fantastic Roster Evaluations back in the wake of Aftermath 2K4 and not just to pick on respected GZW2K1 personalities.  That Piledriver simply wasn't necessary.  Thankfully, Samson is safe and sound once again after his horrible ordeal.

One of the many highlights of the show came in the form of the single greatest Chris Cairns Show, ever.  Be it Cairns' silly entrance or my good entrance, the good times rolled.  There was jibber, jabber, chit and chat.  The order of the day was, primarily, Jay Jameson and his then-upcoming rite-of-passage Last Man Standing match with Reject, and it would've gone down in history as 'perfect' had Reject not shoved his thick skull where it didn't belong.  Who cares?  His comeuppance was still to come.

The Quakester added to his 100% winning record by mopping the floor with "The Boring Son Of A Bitch" Bland Arkhan.  If the rumours are true, that's the last we'll see of the 8'6 beast, but thankfully, there's plenty Quake still to go around.  Figuratively, of course.  He's not into black-eyed rednecks, I'm sure...

If I told you that you thought Chris Cairns' entrance was 'silly', then I couldn't possibly have foreseen the Joey Vegas Dance Marathon...  Vegas is a different breed of Creation afterbirth, one without any shame or pride.  One that sees nothing wrong with wasting valuable match time gyrating and pulsating in the middle of the ring to 80's hits.  Personally, I see nothing right with it, but it's you people's money...

Joshua Samson summed up what followed, the clash between "The Blandest Of All Time" Kid X and "Will Job For A Nickname/Some Credibility" Victor Storm that followed all that dancing perfectly when he said "Let’s just hope this one’s over and done with in the next five minutes. I want to see Eclipse destroy Edwin MacPhisto and Reject tear Jay Jameson apart already…"  That guy's got the right attitude, folks.  You can learn a lot from him.  Whilst this wasn't exactly all bad, I certainly could've done with another Jay Jameson hype package in its place.  Kid X won and Victor Storm got the crap kicked out of him by some kids after the show.  That's all you need to know.

Following that, our World Heavyweight Champion, Pimp Bizkit, graced us with his presence and basically just told the world how undeserving the new breed of Ring Of Honor inductees were.  Nice guy, Pimp Bizkit.  Played golf with him the other week.

Good news, everyone!  We might have seen the last of Nathan "T-Rex" Williams as an 'active competitor' following his heartfelt Ring Of Honor speech.  Apparently, I'm a member of his family.  If that's the case, I'm filing for emancipation.  So long, Barney.  And take Nelly with you.

Poor James Tanner just doesn't seem to catch a break.  Over the last four Pay-Per-Views, he's been all over the place.  He lost to Tonya Glory in the W.C.E.K. Television Title tournament at Return To Glory...  Got pinned for the World Heavyweight Title by John Taylor at Collision Course...  I can't even remember what he did at Aftermath...  And at Destiny Fulfilled, he's been reduced to a loss to Kaine in his second-last contracted match?  I don't envy "Desecrator", let me tell you...

Thankfully, the intermission came directly after this and I got a well needed piss-break.  It really isn't easy being an exceptionally well-paid freelance journalist getting paid non-stop whether or not I actually write a thing like me, you know...  There's a lot of attention to detail and, erm...  Skills required for such a job.  You people just try to concentrate on 'reading' for the time being.  Understand?  Of course you don't.

My man Eclipse, following on from his dismantling of Joshua "The Idiot" Cleaver a few weeks back, really took it to "Contender #47" Edwin MacPhisto.  The Aussie Punk never saw that Spinning Belly-To-Belly coming and certainly never thought Eclipse would be so crafty and innovative as to turn it into an implant DDT.  If the rumours of MacPhisto's release are to be believed, then there was no better man than Eclipse to 'take out the trash' in this case...  Long live Bad Attitude.

If what happened so far could be compared as the appetiser, or 'starter' as you people probably put it, then the Last Man Standing match between Reject and "The" Jay Jameson was the main course, desert and after-dinner coffee.  Yes, it was that good seeing Reject being force fed his own medicine by the man that'll take this company into the future.  James L. Jameson is worth ten times the hype he hasn't been getting up until now, and this match solidified it.  Show me one person in GroundZero Wrestling 2K1 that could stand up to that scumbag and give it his all like that?  Reject's a jerk and all, but he's famous for no-selling and not putting anybody over.  Boy, did it backfire on him?  It did, yeah.  He sucks.  Thus begins the era of the Jameson.  Match of the Night, obviously.  I mean, there were cameos from both Clancy McClean and Quake!

Backstage directly after that, we heard the famed "Jade Dragon" Sincere hinting at who his 'enforcer' was.  Intentionally vague.

The other Future, Tommy Casper, reluctantly got in the ring with one quarter of Vyle's Horsemen-In-Progress, Pestilence.  The outlandish claim by Vyle pre-match that Pestilence was banned from using his 'powers' brought a tear to my eye and split my sides just a little, but this sham of a match was no laughing matter.  Before we even got into the good stuff, Vyle popped in and laid Casper out, in effect contradicting his claims of an shattered, eh...  Something.  This match became nothing more than a news flash, where we learnt that it would be Vyle challenging Seven for the W.C.E.K. TV title later in the night as well as the announcement of the 'actual' Casper/Vyle showdown at this upcoming Crimson.

Sean Fiery hogged the ring for a while and went through the motions of Ring Of Honor induction...  WITH A TWIST!!!  Y'see, you thought he was going to do what Nathan Williams did earlier, didn't you?  Well you were wrong.  He went out on a limb and went mad in a Seven-esque fit of rage.  Actually, I take that back.  He made his valid points, but even still - He sucks.  Booo.  Quit 'yer whinin', take your trophy and get out already!

My Neophyte Of The Year, "Buzzing" Electric Sharpe, sadly lost his Extreme Heavyweight Championship to impressive newcomer and reigning Wrestler Of The Month, "Human Dynamite" Jon Kellar.  You cheered, you booed, you cried...  Some of you probably even got a cheap laugh or two in.  Sharpe fought valiantly but in the end lost to the better man.  Your winner and new Extreme Heavyweight Champion: The Golf Bug-  Eh, Jon Kellar.  Yeah, congratulations.  Talk to me sometime, Kellar.

In the earlier, and ultimately unimportant match involving the United States Heavyweight Title, Chris Cairns' boy Bane cried and tapped out like a little girl to a man that wears face pa-  Oh, wait.  So, Kid Kaos advances to face Phillip Tytan.  And I actually like Bane...  That Uncle of his, though, is a lot less interesting and you might even say I was the clear winner on the Chris Cairns Show if you were the one person that knows what I mean...

"Smooth Operator" Billy Bond was, after how many years, commended for his-  Actually, no.  He got his woman to accept it for him?  I'll do the same thing.

(If this were a promo and I were a narrator, I'd say something like 'nothing happens'...)

Moving on...  Thankfully, everything involving Seven was mashed into the same timeslot.  First, we're treated to the exhumation of a young man's corpse.  Then, our ears and intelligence (well, my intelligence) get attacked with a flurry of furious barks, grunts and guffaws.  Some fire follows and before we know it, Vyle is my favourite person in the world.  He's actually a pretty good wrestler when you let the whole 'supernatural' thing slide...  Maybe if he didn't claim to be "Death", I'd be impressed with his Demonikazi.  Just maybe...  We'll never know, however, as Tommy Casper shows up to return the favour from earlier on and hands Seven his second win over the Cambridge native.  Poor Vyle.  Quick-thinking Casper.

Who didn't pop up in the next segment?  What originated as a John Taylor promo quickly escalated into an all-out assault featuring special guest stars Sincere, "SiDeShOw" SeAn, Mikey Mell and - surprise, surprise - SEAN "MAGIC" FIERY!  Who'd have thunk it, thunkheads?  What does it all mean?  Is Sean Fiery, a retired wrestler that hates Sincere, WORKING FOR SINCERE?!  Find out after this Chris Cairns Show adver-  Actually, just wait.

In what was about the sixty-seventh match of the night, Kid Kaos challenged United States Heavyweight Champion Phillip Tytan...  Successfully.  As you (should) know, my money was on Bane to go all the way, but the fact that he tapped out right away in the earlier match and would appear later in the show leads this ravishing reporter to believe that maybe he didn't want the title...  Post-match, The Root showed up, grossed everyone out with war footage and claimed the US Title as his...  Kid Kaos has, we're told, until Sunday Storm to give up the title or the consequences will be dire.  Actually, I made up the 'consequences' part.

The penultimate match saw the much-awaited encounter between Lord John Taylor and a returning Sincere.  In the ring, they delivered.  After a slow start to the year, Taylor showed what it was that brought him to main event level within the company, and Sincere showed off what it was that made him a true LEGEND within the company.  An impressive showing from both men and they were consistent over an extended period of time.  Unfortunately, it ended on disqualification as Sincere's surprise enforcer - revealing himself to be none other than GABRIEL~! (Intentionally vague, remember? - showed up perhaps a little too early and attacked Taylor.  This whole thing is far from over, and from the looks of it we're in for a Gabriel/Taylor encounter at some point...  By the way:  That means NO, Magic wasn't the enforcer.  Idiots.

Closing off this unholy motherfunker (Yeah, I get a swear quota too) of a Pay-Per-View, my hero Pimp Bizkit successfully fended off all comers to his title in the form of the altogether silent Justin Sharp inside the Highway To Hell.  The highlight, however, came at the very end as BANE of all people showed up, cost Justin the match, and claimed the next Pay-Per-View's worth of a title feud as his own.  These might be a long few months, morons...

This is where I leave you for another week or three.  Instead of getting hot and bothered about how Edwin MacPhisto keeps getting work or if Magic and Taylor will throw down for a second time, why not go outside?  Read a book.  Drive a car.  Fly a kite.  Learn to write.  Whatever, it's up to you.  It's a big world out there, I just happen to be the most important person on the face of it...

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