2.) Watch Dancer in the Dark. I thought it was boring and pretentious when I was sober, but maybe it would seem more meaningful if I were intoxicated. I can but hope.
3.) Try to find meaning in some of Tori Amos� more obscure lyrics. As it stands right now, I think that sometimes she just sings a bunch of words that sound pretty over tinkly piano music, but maybe I�m missing something by not being wasted.
4.) Sing. I�ve got a pretty decent voice, but whenever I try to sing it comes out like this: �Wake me up inside/something something/come and save me from�something? Myself, maybe?/wake me up inside/bring me to life/I don�t know the rest of this song�� etc. Normally, I�m too embarrassed by my complete inability to remember the lyrics to any song besides �The Itsy Bitsy Spider� to really wail it, but I�m thinking that if I were drunk that sort of thing wouldn�t bother me at all. And part of me really wants to sing �Constant Craving� in a very loud voice in front of a ton of people, even though those are the only two words of the song that I know; being rip-roaring drunk would help me realize that dream.
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5.) Call up that boy who tormented me all throughout middle school to tell him that his head is shaped like a football and that I�m really not surprised that he never finished high school, because he looked like that creature from Alien and I never thought that creature was very smart. Hey�I�m gonna be drunk, people. I�m not going to say anything intelligent. If he ever called me back to bitch me out, I could genuinely say that I was drunk and that I didn�t mean a word of it. But that part about me not meaning any of it would be a lie. (You should have seen this kid�he really did look like the Alien, man.)
6.) Go to the next Spiderman movie (or any movie based on a comic book, for that matter) and start saying retarded things like �Man, I didn�t know this was going to be an action movie!� or �Spiderman? Pfft! More like I-can�t-act-to-save-my-ass man! Where�s that Oscar now, Tobey?� in the middle of the crucial fight scenes. Yelling, �This isn�t the Ciderhouse Rules!� every time Tobey has a dramatic scene also has its appeal, as does referring to him as �Elijah Wood.� I�d love to do this, but I�d only have the guts to start screaming my heart out if I had imbibed a lot of liquid courage before the show started.
7.) Shoplift a lot of trashy chick-lit books, and then scream about how I�m being oppressed when the store manager tries to give me a talking-to. While he�s busy trying to figure out why a white chick is complaining about oppression, I�ll start quoting the rest of Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail. He will let me leave with my stolen goods, just to be rid of the noise. Later, when I�m sober, I will read my trashy books and gloat.
8.) Do Trig problems correctly. I never seem to be able to manage it when I�m in full possession of my faculties, but maybe things will be different if I�m impaired.
9.) Use a few crayons to scribble on a grocery bag and call it abstract art. I will then stand in the middle of an art gallery and insist in an extremely loud and obnoxious voice that no one sees my vision. After a little while, some dumb shit will buy my �work� from me for 20,000 dollars; I will then spit on him and call it performance art, for which he will pay me an additional 15,000 dollars. Later, when sober, I will write about this incident in a paper detailing exactly how undeserving the rich are. Still later, I will lead a working class revolution and become a cruel and vicious dictator with many mistresses and a massive hat collection, the cost of which will cripple my already struggling nation. I will die under suspicious circumstances in a sumptuous bowling alley, and my biographers will insist that I was a tortured and misunderstood genius. Only my extremely spoiled cats will mourn me.