�Dammit woman!� he screamed as I dragged him over a very large rock, �Can�t you just carry me wherever it is you�re going? That stung!�
�Shut the hell up, Fernando!� I retorted, slamming his head into a fallen log just for kicks. �You�re dead. You�re nervous system has called it a day. Therefore, you can�t feel a damn thing!� I ranted as I banged his side against a boulder. �So keep your comments to yourself and let the living make the decisions. Plus, you need to lose 30 pounds before I�ll try to carry you anywhere.�
Fernando�s voice floated up gloomily from the forest floor. �Just leave me to rot for a few weeks. I�ll lose the weight like that,� he said, snapping his fingers. I abruptly dropped his feet and glared down at him.
�You fuck monkey! I�ve been pulling you around for hours, and you could move the whole time!� I howled. Fernando looked pleased with himself.
�Yeah, you should have seen the look on your face when you had to lug me over that termite hill.� He snickered maliciously, �You�re so cute when you�re murderously angry!�
�Ha ha, Fernando. Really funny, the joke�s on me. Now get your ass up and run for your�um, whatever state of existence you�re in right now. Whoever killed you is still in the forest!� I screamed, kicking him, hard, in a fruitless attempt to get him moving.
�Oh, you mean Michel?� Fernando drawled as he dodged my blows (for a dead guy he was remarkably nimble.) �Yeah, I guess he is. But it�s not really a problem: I set a trap for him before he stabbed me 67 times. I heard him screaming like a little girl a couple of hours ago�I think he�s found it.� Fernando grinned evilly. �Poor guy. I bet it hurt like a bitch.�
�You�re a mean, evil bastard,� I said admiringly. �I�d almost like you if you weren�t going to start rotting all over my camp in a few days.� I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to his feet; whether this Michel was out of the picture or not, we still needed to get moving. I wasn�t exactly at the top of the food chain on this island, and it was getting dark�
�Speaking of which,� Fernando said curiously, as I rushed him along. �Why are you taking me to your camp? Wouldn�t it be safer to leave me where I was killed? I�m sure I�m going to attract wild animals.�
�Um, it just didn�t seem right to leave you there,� I said quickly, all the while thinking of bacon. �It seemed�um�unchristian. Yeah, that�s right. It went against a religion, so I couldn�t do it.�
�Oh, okay. That makes sense�I think.�
�Yeah, yeah. Anyway, camp is this way,� I said, pointing to the right as I pulled him along. �Let�s shake a leg, shall we? I don�t want to be out here when it gets dark.�
And so Fernando followed me to my camp and became my roomie. Not that I wanted one, and especially not a chatty bastard like him. But oh, well: I�d do anything to help pork�I mean, a poor defenseless person.