I have decided to invent a boyfriend named Bob. Obviously, no one on earth is actually named Bob, so it's not like I'm stealing some poor guy's identity. Anyway--I'm going to use Bob as an excuse to be a bitch. If someone annoys me, I'm not going to bother getting in a fight with them. Instead, I will simply start saying horrible things about them and attributing them to Bob. Like, say I think one of my friends needs to grow up in the worst way:

Me: Of course, I think you're perfectly justified in your incredibly immature behavior. But Bob...well, you know Bob.

Friend: What does Bob think, the asshole?

Me: Well, I probably shouldn't repeat it but...well, he said that you were a dumb slut with the IQ of a squirrel and that if you kept whining about stupid shit he'd rip your hair out and hang you with it.  I don't agree with him, of course. I guess he just feels this way because he doesn't know you.

Friend: Of course! Asshole!

And if my friends start wondering why I'm dating this guy who's so horrible about them, I'll just say that he buys me lots of pretty shiney things. And when they say that this probably makes me a whore, I'll say, "No probably about it! I'm a big slut! Whoo!"

Okay, now I'm just getting bizarre. Anyway, you get the point: Bob rocks.  Oh, and he thinks that your butt looks really big in those jeans, that your boyfriend is a royal fucktard, and that you need to quit wearing your hair like that, like, now. Hey--don't look at me!  I'm just the messenger here!

It's all Bob, I'm telling you.
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