CATCH BUSES*
BY LO*
(real name withheld to prevent legal proceedings being taken against her by disgruntled former employees)
Attempt to find out reason behind his making mistake, for example, selling a product when line has expired and is no longer available. Use caring, pleasant tone whilst asking (interrogating) him, when he gives answers, proceed to more and more cutting remarks eg "But you KNOW its not available any longer" and "The students soak up information but not YOU"
Are vital for working out frustrations regarding employee's excessively poor work performance. Also an incredible source of venting one's frustration at employee's inability to improve the above work performance (lack thereof). Also excellent for discussing the overall poor performance of the department in general. ie "Because of your mistakes you are bringing down the sales revenue!" and "You drag down the atmosphere in this department."
The art of Brown nosing is Absolutely essential. This is the supervisor's (Lo's) most vital of all tools. Once you have learned the art of brown nosing, you can wheedle and scam your way around the managing director, and get away with the most outrageous behaviour. eg running down a particular employee you abhore when manager suddenly comes in the door. You can instantly change your tone and become sweet and amiable. Manager will know nothing is amiss!
Another vital tool in the workplace. It works exceptionally well when that employee you despise asks for your assistance regarding an aggressive customer-callback sales call. The scenario is the customer received the wrong product in his sales order. The employee you abhore took the sales call and processed the order. Obviously said salesperson "made a mistake". For instant stress relief one can use this statement "Its your customer, you deal with it" or "I suppose its your customer, they always ring back since your orders are mistakes"
After attending managers meetings it is so amusing seeing sales staff struggling to remember what products have been discontinued and what new products are available, what price changes have been made and products that have not sold or are selling well! This works even better when you abstain from photocopying minutes of meetings and just read out notes you wrote in your diary. Then when the questions are fired at you, answers can be "I have already told you that" or "Were'nt you listening?'
Essential for that Really Bad Hair Day. The laying of blame on someone else can be right on the feet of the employee one utterly detests (but cannot get fired as they have done nothing bad enough to warrent instant termination - of their life as well as their job). Scenario: The day Lo had an accident in her car on the way home from work. Her car was written off but it was her fault the accident occured. She was uninjured, not so the driver of the other vehicle. Police charged her for negligent driving, and she was thus forced to use a rental car to get to work. Conclusion: The following day, her comments fired at Shortz (who doesn't own a car and catches buses to get to work) was "I will NEVER catch a bus with all those dirty, smelly people" and "Only No Hopers Catch Buses"
Make absolutely sure that every subject discussed is negative. Especially discuss the poor performance of the department in general. Make every attempt to over act a little. If another senior sales officer comes in on the team meetings and the sales staff do nothing but complain about the poor atmosphere and lack of incentives and intiative, show off your actress abilities by getting up and storming out of the room in a fit of temper. Be sure to aim your frustrations at the one employee you utterly resent.
Another tool that can have amazing benefits in the crack licking dept. If per chance, the employee you cannot stand happens to 'win the money' or 'get the movie tickets' due to his outselling his office peers, make extra sure the 'money' or 'movie tickets' was got from your own pocket. Then when you have your next one on meeting with him, you can then say "that incentive reward went straight from my pocket into yours" or "who paid for your reward?" all due to make said employee feel guilty and unworthy of himself. Great as a weapon, Works an absolute charm!
Can be extremely irritating when received by that salesperson you utterly detest. Why should you have to follow up on his mistakes? Accept the message he puts into your in-tray, then when he turns to walk back to his desk, screw up the message and fling it on the floor, saying "I refuse to deal with that, its not My mistake." When he picks it up and goes off to follow up on it himself, and returns to his desk afterward, then say : "You KNOW you're not meant to leave your desk, that's MY job. Why did you leave your desk?" His (furious) expression makes up for your whole crummy week!
