| ~My Baby's Story Part II~ What made the pain more unbearable was that this little person, this little baby was not a girl but a boy! The boy we had been wanting! It seemed like life could not be so cruel to us. Even if he had been a girl the pain would have still been there! When my son was given to me he looked like he was asleep, he couldn't be dead! He looks like he is sleeping! And he was perfect 10 fingers 10 toes, perfect little mouth, a tiny little nose, brown hair with curls all around his head. I couldn't get over the curls he had, I said to Dan "You really screwed up this time, Mom is gonna be so mad at you!" The reason for saying this is because Mom was always saying that Dan did something right by putting the right hair on the right kids. All my girls have natural curly hair and Andrew's hair is poker straight, he had put curls on a boy he had messed up. He was so perfect, this perfect little baby couldn't be dead! I so wanted to pinch him but was afraid that he might awake and I would feel bad for hurting him and also because I was afraid that the reality of his death would sink in! My Mom, Dad, and Dan's Mom were all there to see him! They all held him and said they're goodbyes to this little boy, they're Grandson who they would never get to know or see grow up. Dan was heartbroken he had seen alot and had almost lost me in the process. When he held our son you could see the pain on his face. He had looked so forward to another baby in the house, we now had our baby but he wouldn't be coming home with us. His journey was beginning elsewhere instead of with us. We named him Christopher Andrew. His big brother kept saying that if the baby was a boy he wanted him to be called Christopher. His big brother wanted him called that and it seemed only right to call him Christopher. His middle name is of course our son's first name which again seemed perfect to call him that. Andrew had been wanting this baby brother for five years. Now he had his baby brother but how were we going to tell him that he had died? How were going to tell all the children? My heart broke just thinking about it. When they all left I was left in the delivery room alone looking at my little boy who I never had the chance to say hello to! I rubbed his cheek and held his hands,kissed his baby soft cheek and cried.One of the nurses came in and put him in the bassinette by the bed, and told me to get some rest I had had a rough trip and I needed the rest now but I said "NO!" I was afraid to wake up and find my baby gone she said they would tell me when they would take him. When the nurse weighed him I had to look away it shocked me to see her trying to hold his lifeless little body she was trying to be so gentle but instead looked awkward. A little while later Vanessa came in with a autopsy form, Dr. Lasende was pushing for it, but we wanted it done also to see if there was something wrong with him that caused his death. Once I signed the form she went and got Christopher and left the room taking him with her. I was left alone in that room without my baby, without anyone to talk to or comfort me. I had never felt so lost and alone in my entire life. I wanted to hold him one more time to say goodbye but he was gone and I was to never hold him again. I had two more transfusions the next day, and was released from the hospital on Saturday March 8. I wanted to get out of there. It didn't matter how far down the hall they put me I could still hear the babies crying, I just wanted to go home, but that was hard. Coming home and walking into the room where everything was still waiting for my dear sweet Christopher to use and now it would be eventually packed up and put away never to be used by him and quite possibly never used again by another baby of mine. Christopher was laid to rest on Thursday March 13, 2003,which was his due date. His final resting place is at Rosedale Cemetary in Moose Jaw,Saskatchewan. The autopsy results showed we had a perfectly healthy baby boy, there was nothing wrong with him the blood work was normal everything was normal, and it made the pain that much more harder to bear. My baby died for no reasonable medical explanation. Somedays are harder than other's. Seeing a baby out in public really bother's me but I guess that is to be expected. Dan and I have both come to terms with the fact that we have lost a child. And we are unsure as to if we want to attempt another baby in the future. The risk of losing another baby the same way is definitely there and I'm not sure if I would be able to cope with always thinking during the pregnancy should I be buying a layette or should I be saving up for a grave and casket. And I'm not sure if I would mentally be able to handle losing another child. If there ever was to be another pregnancy it definitely would not be a "blissful" pregnancy. Those days are gone, now that I know what can all happen. It would be hard to keep thinking positive when I know that I lost a child before for no medical reason that can be explained. I know my arms will always ache to hold Christopher, and that no other baby will ever take his place. He will alway's be our "Little Angel". Our Little Angel We Shall Never Forget In Our Minds And Our Hearts You Will Always Be Kept Click on the picture below to continue to "My Near Death Experience" The musical midi being played is "You Must Love Me" Click on the Unicorn and Cat to download this midi The backgrounds, borders, and buttons on this site were created by myself! Please do not take my designs and alter them and claim them as your own! Each page was created in Loving Memory of my son CHRISTOPHER ANDREW CAMERON BORN SLEEPING AND FOREVER SILENT THURSDAY MARCH 6, 2003 ~A Moment In Our Arms, A Lifetime In Our Hearts~ |
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