By: Cory Patterson
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the town
Not a creature was stirring
'Cept one old drunk clown.
He was dressed as a Santa
And his nose was all red
But it wasn't from makeup
But gin blossoms instead.
He had gotten a job
At a fine Chrismas party
But he lost the address
And now was quite tardy.
He decided instead
To just go to a bar
But just as he turned
He saw a bright Christmas star.
"It must be an omen"
"It must be a sign"
So he started to follow it
And was feeling quite fine.
But soon, as he walked
The air got quite cold
And his fine Christmas spirit
It started to fold.
And just as he thought
"I can walk on no more"
He noticed a wonder
In the shape of a door.
It was covered in lights
And so, was quite shiny
But the door was too small
For the girth of his hiney.
The thought of not entering
Sent his heart all a flutter
It only he had
A big tub of butter.
So he thought and he thought
And he still thought some more
And that's when he noticed
A big all night store.
"This is great this is grand"
He thought with a smile
So he entered the store
And he searched all the aisles.
They had cookies and crackers
And rice you could boil
But not what he needed
No Three-in-One oil.
So he went to the cashier
Whose nametag said "Nick"
And asked the big man
If they had something slick.
He explained to the guy
why he needed the stuff
And he felt kind of silly
Like for brains he had fluff.
But the man said "No Problem"
And stepped to the back
He returned very shortly
With a big black trash sack.
"I was gonna just pitch this
Out back in the dumpster.
But it's yours if you want it
For greasing your rumpster."
The clown took the sack
And he peered down inside.
It was full of old grease
From the corndogs they fried.
He said "Thank you much
I think this will do.
I will smear my backside
with this slick greasy goo.
Where the door he first saw
And he scooped out some grease
With one big hairy paw.
He stripped to his boxers
And started to smear
He put grease on the door frame
And then on his rear.
He squeezed through the door
With a tug and a squeeze
And he pulled through his clothes
On his hands and his knees.
He quickly got dressed
And he looked all around
And the wonders he saw
Where sure to astound.
The landscape was stunning
It was covered with snow
And the trees all grew lightbulbs
That all were aglow.
And just when he started
To feel good about self
Coming up the hill
He noticed an elf.
"He Santa" It said
"You're finally here"
"The reindeer are ready
You just have to steer"
The clown said "Hey wait"
"I'm not who you think"
But the elf grabbed his hand
And they were off in a blink.
Throughout the whole night
He delivered the toys
All over the world
For the good girls and boys.
When morning was coming
He started to think
He realized that he'd gone
All night with no drink.
He was shocked and surprised
But it all was quite pleasant
And that's when he realized
There was one last present.
He looked at it closely
And then he discovered
The card had his name
written there on it's cover.
He opened the card
Without a thought in his head
The card was from Santa
And here's what it said.
"Thank you for helping me
On this Christmas night.
I needed a helper
And you fit just right."
"Now open the present
That I got for you
I wrapped it up special
with ribbons and glue."
He ripped off the paper
And threw it right down
Inside was a red nose
The kind worn by a clown.
He said I will need this
Cause from now on my nose
Will always need makeup
If I want it to glow.
He resolved to quit drinking
And clean up his life
It was then he woke up
From his dream to his life.
He felt sort of empty
As he arose
Then he realized his hand
Held a great big red nose.
