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When the Going Gets Weird, The Weird Turn Pro This month I would like to introduce a deity of ancient Greek origin, still worshipped today by fun-loving miscreants who probably read about her in the same book I did, and decided that the (possibly) fictional society dedicated to her worship would add an element of importance to their otherwise non-descript lives. Fnord. I refer to the goddess of discord, also known as Eris. In mythological terms, Eris was responsible for the Trojan War. She was uninvited to the wedding of King Peleus of Greece and the goddess Thetis. As payback, she played a mischevious prank on the women assembled there: she rolled a golden apple into their midst, upon which was carved the word Kallisti, meaning ‘for the fairest’. If you know anything about Greek deities, you’ll know that this turned into a huge catfight, and when the smoke cleared, there were three prime contenders for the role of belle of the ball – Hera, Aphrodite and Athena. They asked Zeus to choose, who palmed off the responsibility to Paris of Troy (played by Orlando Bloom). After a great deal of deliberation, and godly attempts to sway him, young Paris chose Aphrodite. In return, he was given Helen as a reward/wife. Unfortunately, she was already married to King Menelaus, who beat the hell out of Troy with the help of Brad Pitt and a big wooden horse. So where to from there? How did the fat nerds of our time get their hands on this lesser-known goddess? Well, the first answer is in the Principia Discordia, written by Malaclypse the Younger. This is modern bible of the Discordian movement, and basically consists of smarmy parables blended with modern language. A sample: A serious young man found the conflicts of mid 20th Century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled. One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "go to the dilapidated mansion you will find at this address which I have written down for you. Do not speak to those who live there; you must remain silent until the moon rises tomorrow night. Go to the large room on the right of the main hallway, sit in the lotus position on top of the rubble in the northeast corner, face the corner, and meditate." He did just as the Zen Master instructed. His meditation was frequently interrupted by worries. He worried whether or not the rest of the plumbing fixtures would fall from the second floor bathroom to join the pipes and other trash he was sitting on. He worried how would he know when the moon rose on the next night. He worried about what the people who walked through the room said about him. His worrying and meditation were disturbed when, as if in a test of his faith, ordure fell from the second floor onto him. At that time two people walked into the room. The first asked the second who the man was sitting there was. The second replied "Some say he is a holy man. Others say he is a shithead." Hearing this, the man was enlightened. As one might guess, the principles are based on puns, pranks and other gags. Anyway, the book was an underground delight, and was seized upon by Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea, who wrote the Illuminatus! trilogy about the Discordians and their arch-nemeses, the Illuminati – a secret society who have ruled the world for millenia, and whose symbol is the Eye in the Pyramid seen on the American dollar bill. You see, General George Washington was disappeared and replaced by Adam Weishaupt, a Bavarian fellow who revived the Illuminati in 1776, and took control of the fledgling nation. The trilogy is summed up by ‘Book-A-Minute Sci Fi’ thusly: The Illuminati are a secret society that (DRUGS SEX DRUGS) control
everything in the world (SEX DRUGS SEX) including all governments, financial
institutions, and (DRUGS SEX DRUGS) intelligence agencies. No, they're
not. Well, yes they are but not really. (SEX DRUGS SEX) They originated
in Bavaria in 1776 (DRUGS SEX DRUGS). No, actually they go all the way
back to Atlantis. No, (SEX DRUGS SEX) Atlantis never really existed.
Yes it did. It's not just one society (DRUGS SEX DRUGS), it's a whole
bunch of them (SEX DRUGS SEX) together. No, it's just one, and they
go all the way back to Atlantis, which never (DRUGS SEX DRUGS) existed,
oh yes it did. They've had an uninterrupted existence since 30,000 years
ago (SEX DRUGS SEX) -- no they actually only go back as far as the 1800s
(DRUGS SEX DRUGS). Fnord. That pretty much covers it. So, from there, the constant mentions of drugs and sex to be had among the Discordians no doubt influenced some bookworms to join up, or at least change their computer wallpaper to a Sacred Chao (kind of like a yin-yang, but with a golden apple and a pentagon instead of bits of white in black and vice versa). Actually, the books were written in the 1970s, so there probably wasn’t any computer wallpaper to be found. Ah, my joke stands. OK. In 1982, a role-playing company (Steve Jackson Games) released a card game – Illuminati: New World Order. It became a collectable card game in 1994, and returned to the original when that bubble burst. The game’s tagline is “Betray Your Friends. Crush Your Enemies. Control The World. Drink Some Coffee”. A tongue-in-cheek look at a tongue-in-cheek idea. Taken seriously by fat nerds. Good times. It’s an awesome game. Somewhere along the line, the Church of the Sub-Genius has sprung up. Rather than worship the goddess Eris, they have created a new figurehead: Bob, the pipe-smoking, benignly smiling drawing who looks like he belongs in a 1940s ad for wholesomeness. He’ll tell you what to do. Send them $30 and you can become an ordained minister in the church. Still, it just seems like another example of patriarchy taking away from a strong female idol. Hail Eris! |
