Daryl Somers.

“Of course!”, you say, slapping your forehead. “Daryl Somers – winner of three TV Week Gold Logie awards!”. That’s not all. He also manned the helm of Hey Hey It’s Saturday for 28 years, eventually owning and producing the show himself (as well as the hit series Gonged But Not Forgotten. Over the years Hey Hey won another 25 TV Week Logie Awards itself. Daryl hosted the Awards five times during his illustrious career. But I don’t just want to throw figures at you to prove that Mr Somers is the most powerful monolith in Antipodean history. Even if he has been tipped to host Sale of the Century later this year. Even if he sang ‘Waltzing Matilda’ at the 1987 VFL Grand Final between Carlton [3.5, 6.8, 10.11, 15.14 (104)] and Hawthorn [4.2, 4.9, 7.13, 9.17 (71)]. Speaking of VFL, who originally hosted Hey Hey It’s Saturday alongside Somers?

Peter McKenna, former full forward and Collingwood Goal Machine. 120 consecutive goal-scoring matches.

McKenna left the show after a few years, to be replaced by a pink ostrich. Daryl and Ossie became household names, putting out all sorts of records, books and memorabilia. The show was moved from a Saturday morning cartoon show for the kids to a more respectable night-time slot in 1984. Daryl was becoming an Australian Entertainment Juggernaut. Over the years, he was joined by a cast of luminaries from the Aussie entertainment past. Jackie McDonald, Red Symons, Wilbur Wilde, Russell Gilbert, John Blackman, Molly Meldrum, resident artist Andrew Fyfe, and of course Dickie Knee and Plucka Duck. Man, I hated that duck. Much less fun than Chooklotto, where you could win an Olivetti computer with Foo on the screen. I also forgot to mention ‘Lucky’ Phil, that drummer guy named ‘Animal’, and Trevor Marmalade.

Once McDonald left, there were a slew of female co-hosts, each with a smaller and smaller role on the show. Denise ‘Ding Dong’ Drysdale ran some boob gags, but Livinia Nixon and Jo-Beth Taylor seemed devoid of comedic talent. The show had lost something. At least Daryl could be called upon to have a bash on the drums. There were the unforgettable segments too. I would always be stinging for ‘Media Watch Press’ or ‘Media Watch TV’, but they were rare. ‘Funny Photos’, ‘Red Faces’, ‘What Cheeses Me Off’, ‘Ad Nauseum’ and ‘Beat It’ were all there to keep up the heady pace demanded of evening television.

Daryl and his merry band of mad entertainers also showcased a wide variety of musical acts, comedians and special guests like Sylvester Stallone and Mickey Rooney. I don’t know why I picked those two especially, but I remember Daryl was dressed as Rambo, and he was all shocked to see the real Stallone in front of him. Also, there was a great gag about Rooney: “Even his breath comes in small pants”. I think that was one of Blackman’s. If you go to Google – say for example you were trying to research more information for a thinly-premised article and halway through you realised that you misplaced your HHIS book with the postcards in it and everything so you turned to the fountain of crap, the internet – and type in “Hey Hey Its Saturday+official", you will not find an official Hey Hey site. Instead you will see a wealth of bands who are not afraid to announce publicly on their official websites that they owe their success in no small part to that gleaming bastion of Australian TV history. Daryl Somers.

Hey Hey It’s Saurday left our screens in 1999, becoming consigned to the same heap as Adriana Xenides and Ernie Sigley. I saw Rove McManus interview Russell Gilbert, and he seemed very excited about the idea of bringing the show back. The mocking laughter of the black-skivvied, beret-wearing, latte-sipping Rove audience soon cut him down to size. He will never be Daryl Somers, and Hey Hey could not exist without the power of that ringmaster.

As for Daryl himself, he will continue to endure. These days, while he is waiting for the next project to launch once again into the stratosphere of our TV-viewing consciousness, he sits on a pile of money, slowly autographing each note and coin. He will worm his way into our memories one way or another, just like Freddy Kruger did in that movie where he fought the deformed guy in the hockey mask over who got to kill the most teenagers.

I think in trying to prove that he is the most influential man in Australia I just called Daryl Somers an insane, supernatural murderer of children. Eh, close enough.

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