Cubisian News

Big Brother Controversy as Evictee Declares Dawn of 1000 Year Reich

Fourth evictee Merlin Luck shocked viewers as he was taken from the house by gagging himself with a Swastika armband and goose-stepping down the eviction catwalk, brandishing a home-made sign that read ‘Arbeit Macht Frei’.

Merlin refused to speak to Gretel Killeen, who later dubbed his actions “aggressive”. Instead he chose to stand erect on the podium, delivering Nazi salutes to a stunned, live studio audience. After five minutes, the producers cut to a commercial break and removed Luck from the stage.

Responses among the housemates were varied. Paul said something laconic and inflammatory, whilst Ashalea – having forgotten who Merlin was – walked repeatedly into a mirror like a budgie. “Merlin’s just keepin’ it real mate” said Kane, predictably.

Merlin, an Aries who describes himself as “fun, focused and free”, later admitted that the stunt had not advanced the cause of the Aryan Nation as much as he would have liked, but blamed the lack of response from white Australians on the “liberal bias of the Zionist media and the actions of the race traitor Killeen”. He has been publicly supported by Big brother 2003 crybaby and white supremacist poster boy Saxon.

“Heil Merlin, Arch-Wizard of the Reich”, Saxon told reporters. “Heil Merlin, The Little Nazi, The Little German Nazi”.

Gay Man Rehabilitated After Viewing Centrefold, Night With Blonde Skank

In what has been described as a magnificent coup for homosexual rehabilitators everywhere, former gay man Mort White has returned to the ranks of healthy, God fearing heterosexuals after a drunken friend showed him an explicit Hustler centrefold and organised an evening of dirty, anonymous sex with what he termed “a blonde skank”.

The skank, who refused to be named, reported that she performed oral sex on White, before letting him have his way with her. “I saw a change come over him as he entered me, as though a light had been switched on his brain. I knew he had returned to the realm of the vagina”.

After the sweaty encounter, White reported tore the rainbow patch off his leather jacket and shaved off his handlebar moustache. He has since commented loudly on the breasts of every woman he has encountered, often referring to them as ‘baps’ or ‘ta-tas’.

Mort publicly thanked his rehabilitator yesterday, declaring him a true friend. “If Steve hadn’t shown me that provocative image of a naked woman, I might not be standing before you today, thinking about titties. In fact, I would probably be designing some sort of floral arrangement, or lisping and mincing around Sydney”.

'Elephant' Changes Bully's Life; 'Trekkies' Changes It Back

After attending a screening of Gus Van Sant’s poetically haunting work at Newtown’s Dendy cinema, local bully Chad Rockwell rethought his attitude toward those he regularly intimidates and humiliates. “My girlfriend keeps saying how we never do cultural stuff together, so I tagged along to this movie about the Columbine shooting. At first I was really bored – it’s heaps slow – but then I started to get into it”. Rockwell, who had commented on “how many freaks I wanna punch on King St alone”, came out of the cinema a changed man.

This dramatic seachange lasted almost twenty-four hours, at which time Rockwell’s friend Dean Jordan showed him “this hilarious video”, Trekkies. After eighty-six minutes of viewing Roger Nygard’s documentary on Star Trek fandom, Chad had returned to his former geek-bashing self.

“I had resolved to treat nerds as equals, but watching that Gabriel Koerner guy go on and on about his Data action figures just made me want to cream him”. Rockwell also cited the cross-dressing filker and “the dork in the robot wheelchair” as influences on his return to bullying.

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