To begin with, we must outline a few facts of physiology. The genitalia of women is generally stationary, and tucked away. This makes it easy for them to sit and urinate with little trouble. Hence, they get it all in the bowl and none on the ground (though they have been known to leave a drop or two on the seat upon exit). The male gear, however is almost the exact opposite. It juts out from the anatomy, and requires a judicious aim. Note that this aim must vary as one gets older as well, because you grow taller and have to adjust for this. Similarly, if your eyesight is not up to scratch, or if you have forgotten to turn the bathroom light on, then it is more difficult to see where you are going. Basically, men have less control.

This lack of control is again illustrated in the field of unwanted erections. If anyone was looking for evidence of the unpredictable nature of the penis, then they need look no further. How is a man supposed to contend with hitting a small pool of water at the base of a porcelain ring when he cannot even maintain authority over the relative firmness of the member?

The unwanted erection problem is most overtly seen when a man goes for his morning wee. The combination of an erection and an intense desire to urinate does not generally lead to careful aiming practice. In fact, in order to hit the toilet at all (rather than your chin), you must either (a) stand back as far as possible so that the urine moves in a parabolic fashion from penis to toilet, (b) stand on your head, (c) sit down and tuck yourself under the seat, or (d) lean over as far as possible so that at least some gets in the bowl. Option (a) generally results in wee all over the floor, unless you happen to be an expert marksman/mathematician, (b) doesn’t work unless you are a gymnast (and probably not even then), (c) hurts - I used to try it when I was younger - because your penis still wants to be up and the underside of the seat cuts into your flesh, and so (d) is the only viable option. The problem is that (d) is also very difficult to master, and this is one of the occasions upon which the first stream of urine generally ends up on the tiles.

One option I forgot to mention is waiting for the erection to go down. There are two problems with this. The first is that, "in the morning thousands of men wake having the rectum distended with faeces, this presses on the seminal receptacles behind while the distended bladder presses in front. The combination of the two produces an erection" (DAAS, Book). So it does not go until you have. For the second problem you will have to bear with me and imagine a balloon full of water. If you want it to shrink, you have to let some water out. And this is our essential problem. Letting a bit of urine out in this fashion is not unlike turning a hose on without holding onto it. It snakes in a random direction, and sends out a short staccato burst. Generally, onto the floor.

It is my sincerest hope that this article has cleared up some misconceptions regarding the nature of masculine urination technique. Females may think that the ability to wee standing up has the benefit of being speedier and simpler (which is essentially true), but the trade-in has been a loss of control, a reputation for laziness insofar as the impression given is one of men refusing to take the time to aim at the bowl, and slanderous accusations such as those levelled by my Mother and Nana.

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