It was the week after my birthday. My husband had put off any sort of planning until the morning of my birthday (this for him, was at about 10:00� 4 hours after I wake up), so my birthday had consisted of me hosting a lovely kebob fest for a few friends. I also fed the aforementioned lazy-ass hubby. Three days later, I came home from work and was met with a kiss and a �your birthday present is on the table, honey.� �Oh boy,� I thought, �finally! Just like the little sweetie said he wanted to, he picked up a set of handlebars� they will soon be followed by my new bike!� I walked over to the table to find a cardboard box. As I picked it up, hubby came up behind me and giggled out,�but I wouldn�t shake it if I were you.� I begin to open it, thinking that the mauled cardboard held something fragile and sweet. �Nope,� he says,�I wouldn�t open it either.� At which point the box began to shift in my hands and I heard the distinctive rasp of scales against cardboard. Then it started to rattle. The man had brought me a rattlesnake.
In a box.
That he left on the dining room table.
Next to my pet cockatiel.
After sputtering insults and profanity for a few minutes I recovered from my anger and talked him into releasing it somewhere other than our backyard. We went straight to an area where there was quite a bit of open space (and also a few yuppy McMansions, but we didn�t really worry about that) and released the !!4.5 FOOT!! long dimondback into a rocky field. She (I�m guessing) took the ride with grace, and slithered away without incident. Despite the excitement of seeing her so close, and my pleasure that my guy had cared enough to rescue an animal from certain mauling, I was pretty pissed. The �birthday present� angle was just too mean.
The next week, hubby came home with a big grin on his face. An hour of giggling and smirking ensued, after which I cornered him and demanded to be let in on the secret. His pants came down, his penis came out� and so did the hunk of metal that was attached to it. Since I hadn�t liked my first birthday present, he thought, maybe I would like this one?? Men are bastards.
-- Citizen D