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IF YOU VENTURED THIS FAR... |
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...examine dark thoughts, "abnormal" paranoia, disappointments that become distress, and the smallest triumphs... |
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Read my ramblings, my favorite song lyrics, see the moodswings for yourself! |
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How do I make anyone understand this, when I don't even understand it myself? So that they don't say things that dwell on my mind and invade my sleep. How do I convince someone to give me some slack, be patient with me and I'll shine with encouragement; rather than judge and treat me harshly and make me retreat back to this dark room where I have lived my life?
February 17, 2001
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On the up side, a girl who I barely ever exchange a word with said more to me in a few minutes than anyone else in a whole day... her words were simple and nonjudgmental: "I heard you're going through a bad time. If you need someone to talk to , I am here."
February 7, 2001 |
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So what's wrong today? None of my friends are talking to me. I think my best friend is mad at me for something. Two of my kids aren't here and I still didn't get any housework done.....I was off work for 2 weeks and didn't get any housework done or have any interesting adventures. I could have... if it had worked out, but it didn't. Is that what I'm down about? Still no time to have 24 hours to myself only??
February 17, 2001 |
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Confusion and self-doubt; I don't know what to do about my life. I don't know what decisions to make or what I want. I do know I don't want to hang in this limbo forever, living in purgatory, some days in hell.
February 17, 2001 |
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"You used to say your prayers in a dark room, where you'd go to bed at night
Praying that tomorrow everything will be all right
But tomorrows fall in number, numbered one by one
You wake up and you're dying, you don't even know what from...."
- Bruce Springsteen
"Point Blank"
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He loves me despite everything. He has seen the "evil demon" emerge and still he's here. But will it be forever? Will I ever reach a point where I am comfortable enough with being myself that I realize finally that his love is unconditional?
September 21, 2001 |
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Fare thee well, little broken heart
Downcast ties, lifetime loneliness
Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone.
Constant longing for the perfect touch
Unwashed scenery forever gone
Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone.
No love left in me, no eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come, so I'll be forever yours.
Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone........
- Nightwish |
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I was having what I thought was a friendly chat with someone until he said "Do you like sex?" I felt like saying "No, that's why I have 4 kids" (which I had just told him). That makes me so mad. Why do some people think that's all the freaking internet is FOR???? Good thing the doctor has me on the right meds now or I would've gone off instead of just closing the conversation without comment. Now I can let my smartassedness come out more often and let the anger lie dormant. Argh. I can let Ron go duck hunting all day into the night too, without having "those" thoughts anymore. I can think more clearly now. I'm happy that I got him to take me off the Neurontin because I think it was wrecking my brain.
10/23/04 |
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HOME |
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The rose's thorns |
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| Back to the beginning of the journey |
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