"rubs her eyes trying to wake up as she thinks back over last nights events at 'dome...she picks up the quill and begins to write"
:::: shudders::::
I cant get over the coldness in Janes eyes as she looked at Alterio last night. The man she -professes- to love so much. She tries to mold him into what she thinks he should be. The perfect man that she wants...And when it doesnt work, she turns into a cold and bitter person. Does she expect him to change to be her boring little hubby?
::shakes her head::
You cant make some one be someone they arent. Not for long.
Well, now she knows im his mistress and he asked me to have his child. They had a huge argument and he destroyed his office and I never thought i would see him slap her, but he did. Altho he has been angry at me many times, he has never struck me in anger. The night he and I argued and i slapped him, he never struck me back.
I was going to leave the island and go back to the mainland last night. Jane wants him all to herself, wants things to change. I thought it would be best if i left. She doesnt understand, i was his mistress way before he ever asked her to marry him. I was going to leave that night and he said no. So I stayed.
Last night he refused to let me leave, he threatened to burn the ships so I couldnt leave the island. And would come after me and drag me back, if I did manage to leave some how. He doesnt understand that I love him and hate to see the things that are happening around him. I think Ive loved him since the very first time I saw him.
::shakes her head thinking back over all the things we have been through:::
But i cant stand to see him beg. He begged me not to leave...And once again he gets his way. Im staying.... for now anyways. He needs me or so he says. Maybe he does, maybe i understand him better than most. Hell, i dont know anymore. I accept him for what he is, I dont try to change him...Although i dont always agree with him on things. IF you really love someone, you dont try to change them.
I fell in love with him the way he is. Jane, she knew how he was, Now she wants him to change to suit her. Yet, she claims she loves him. If she manages to get that done, will he be the man she fell in love with? No.... he wont be... he will be someone completely different.
Well, he knows im here for him. Ive stood by him through everything. The ups and the downs. Axalon wanted to lock him away last night. I cant and wont let that happen. And im sure others will agree, as they did last night...Hell, maybe we all need locked away. Everytime someone doesnt do as others thing they should, well we will lock them up til they agree to do what we want. If thats the case, everyone on the island would be locked away.
I really dont think he will be happy married to Jane. I dont know if i will stay here...when they marry. I dont want to see him hurt any more than he has been....He thinks he loves her and about went crazy when she threatened to leave him last night. But i really dont think she will make him happy. She will keep trying to change him, to mold him. They will fight constantly. He wont be happy. But i say nothing against Jane to him. I can see he isnt happy now. Will that change after they are married? I dont think so.... she is going to be more demanding as his wife. Should i voice to him, what i see and take a chance on his wrath? Maybe, he will find out for himself and i keep hoping for that. I just hope he finds out before its to late....
"lays the quill down,sighing as she gets up and closes the journal slowly"
--Journal Entry, 17 May, Vixen.
::sits on a bluff overlooking the ocean::
So much has happened these last few days I have scarecely had time to sit and think much less write. Dan has forsaken Zyllah but in my heart I know he loves her still and will always. I feel like I was the second choice because Zyllah had not been around. Then I find out that he had commisioned or was given a set of rings for their upcoming marriage. He never bought me rings...takes a deep sigh...Then there has been the slave jasmin who I dont know if she is still a slave or not after last night. She was not used to such freedoms and I think it was wrong for her master to set her free but when has Sir Carazzi done anything I truly approve of.
I did go and talk to the elves about purchasing this peice of land I am sitting on wanting to build my home here. I have heard nothing back as of yet so will sit around patiently, but only for a bit. Life is becoming harder and harder here and I guess I know naught when I should sit back and say nothing and when I should say something. my blasted tongue will get me in trouble again....
::sighs and takes the empty bottle of whiskey and throws it over the side listening to it crash on the stones below::
I know naught what to do but I will help my friend Jasmin in what she must do to survive but I will also not tell her what to do..my mind is as scattered as this entry....
--Journal Entry, 17 May, Magdelennya Smith.
::Sits near a windo in the the guild hall she was taken to last night by Nuns:: ::Rubs her temples gently trying to rember and then she does and she trembles as she picks up her quill and begins to write::
Dear Diary,
I have done the most awful thing I could have done. My Master had a terriable arrgument with his Lady last eve and the tension in the dome had been so bad all day as she sat and awaited him continually making remarks about how friends had forsaken her and such then made a point of glaring at me no matter where I chose to sit..
I was so uncomfortable and frightened that when My master did come she would demand he be shed of me. And then when he did she began demanding things of him in which to make him change the man he is and when she threatened to leave him he nearly lost his mind he became so angry and then so confused.. I was so afraid for my masters sanity and in my foolish fear I began to drink and act like a fool I was only seeking escape and was hoping if I drank enough I would perhaps pass out and not have to hear my master being treated as he was.....
But alas in so doing I have angered him beyound what I thought was possible. My Master has released me and told me I am free I never wanted this ... I have been allowed so much free time and no real duties till I feel usless as a slave and have come to watch the others of the dome and imitate them slowly letting my training slip away from me... Now I fear I can never make amends with my master he says I could come and speak with him if I wish to return as his slave ....
But do I ?? Do I or can I go back to being a slave after this wonderful taste of freedom he has allowed me while in his care? I dont know I am so confused....
I spoke with Mags and Nun and Dan last eve I said some harsh things and wish I had not I was hurt and angry at how my master just with out warning unlocked my collar and walked away I was so stunned ... but I suppose in all It is for the best...At least now maybe Lady Jane will not hold such ill conceptions of me..
I know not what I will do but I have been offered a place here at the guild with Nun and Mags and Dan I will speak with them further on it...
I will for a time perhaps sign on as an escort and see if I can make enough income to stay here on the island for the one thing I am sure of Is I do not wish to leave this lovely place..
:: lays down the quill and closes the book and gazes out at the new day :
--Journal Entry, 17 May, Jasmin Rose.
::Sets down her brandy after taking a satisfying mouthful and sighs as she looks at the newly-purchased journal, idly reaching for the quill...half-heartedly perhaps:::
Why am I doing this? I have ne'er before felt the need, the urge, to write down anything of myself...~thinks as she taps her lips with a fingertip~...perhaps afraid to leave evidence, Row? To actually see the words stare at you from a page? Does that make them more real to ye? Face it, Rows...ye have things on yer mind...preying there...haunting you...nagging.
:::Reaches for her brandy and takes a sip, then smiles gently as she swirls it in her mouth for a moment before swallowing:::
Claude...mmm...ye sweet man. Is it the wonder of this place, the sea air, the warm days and glorious nights...but he make you want to love again, Row, after so long. Why? Gods know ye had enough on the mainland...declaring their love, bestowing their little gifts, proposing marriage, family, all that...yet ye turned them all down and then ran...why? ~rakes a hand through her hair as she thinks~
yer fickle, Row, ye always have been...flighty...and ye set yer standards too high...ye know that too. Is that why ye left the mainland to come to this island in the first place? Knowing no man could ever meet those standards, despite their best efforts. Perhaps ye were seeking to just live your life in peace and happiness...free spirit that ye always were, doing what ye wanted...almost seeming uncaring to others as ye made yer merry way in this life without a worry...but...that's just you, Rows...always has been...and ye do know that ye care and ye worry and ye feel.
:::Sighs and gazes into the amber liquid, the light of the candle dancing merrily across the rim of the glass:::
So what of Claude then? What of him? The relationship was very new when he went off to Winterfell...ye were still reeling with the giddiness of a new love...lust...when he left so abruptly. Ye felt like the winds had been knocked from yer sails, only somewhat relieved to then find the note of explanation that he left. Row...why did ye wait for him...that is nae like you...ye felt somewhat abandoned, enough to normally shrug it off as a given...a few days, perhaps a week, of fun and excitement, only to be cut short...as usual. Yet ye missed him each day...and a little more with each day that passed...why?
He returned then...seemingly a man changed somewhat...more serious, stiff, even cold at times...rightly so, Row! He had endured much...seen much... ~shivers involuntarily as she thinks of that~...Rows...for you to make him forget...he seemed genuinely happy to see you...and ye know how glad ye were to see him. ~smiles~ And now he has different ideals and ideas for himself and ye know ye will support him in whatever he decides...stand by yer man, Row...this time...for once in yer life.
:::Glances down to the ring:::
He has proposed marriage, Row...what of that? Yer scared...unsure...but...isn't that the way always? Really, do ye nae always manage to find a reason to leave them once that ring comes out...hmm? Face it, yer mortified at the thought...yet...you want this. You want to belong to him, heart and soul, and want him the same way...forever, Row, you want this forever.
:::Rests her elbow on the writing table and props her chin in her hand, gazing out of the window thoughtfully:::
But...what of her...does he still love her? What if she comes to her senses and decides she wants him still...again...what then? Will he go to her? ~sighs~ Rows! Get over it...Claude loves you, you feel it...be happy with that and stop guarding your heart so much...how much reassurance do ye need?? Nothing he does indicates that he loves her still...does it...? And, whatever ye do, Rows, keep up that front...never let on that it bothers yer mind for that is a sure way to lose someone...ye love.
:::With that, she replaces the quill and closes the journal, then reaches for the brandy and downs the remainder, closing her eyes with a contented sigh as the warmth of it fills her::
--Journal Entry, 17 May, Rowsy.
*sits up slowly from where her head was cradled on her desk, sobbing hopelessly into her arms. She wipes her eyes and reaches a trembling hand for her quill, dipping it in ink and brining it to the tear-stained pages of her journal*
I don't know what's happening anymore. I don't think I can give Alterio what he needs. How can I love a man that needs something from another woman? I ask myself this over and over, but I do. I do. And I'm not the only one.
*she rubs her head, shutting her eyes a moment before going on*
I forgave him. How could I not? I know why he did it, all of it. I understand that. I even can understand why he slapped me, but that makes me afraid of him. I've never been struck that way before. Never. He apologized, and I forgave him, and yet I still feel empty. I feel hollow and shaky. I never wanted to ever have to ask him to change his life. That isn't right, and I swore to myself I'd never do it. Maybe my word doesn't mean so much anymore. I don't even know what I am anymore.
The Jane I know doesn't stand for nonsense. She holds her ground. She never pleads, and she never bends. She never, ever lets life jerk her around. And she never lets anyone get away with anything. And here I am, playing naive, ignorant child while everyone does whatever they want behind my back, leaving me lagging just one step behind, trying to pick up shattered pieces that just don't fit together. I begged Alterio not to lie to me anymore, not to make me leave. I give in to things that cause me pain. I let them do as they will, trying not to rock the boat. I rocked the boat last night, and I don't feel any better. I feel worse.
I love Alterio. I need him. But does he need me? He needs Vixen. He hit me. What can I do? This is crazy, really. The infamous CJ the Great needing anyone? But that's just it. I'm not Clarity-Jane anymore. I'm little Janie fa'Eridon again, drowning in a big bad world that never held any affection for me and clinging to the one person I know would protect me with his life. I would've given him anything...
How can I go on smiling? How can I look him in the eye anymore? How can I look myself in the eye. I'm a disgrace to everything I ever was, to the Maichen name, to my father, to Wesley. What's become of me? But I'll stay. I'll hold on, and love him. I think I'm liable to even let him do whatever he wants. He was so afraid I'd leave him...he doesn't know how terrified I was of being forced to. --Journal Entry, 17 May, Jane Maichen.