"yawns and rubs her eyes after another sleepless tear filled night...sighs as she thinks back to last nights discussion with Tae. She looks at the feather laying on the desk that she placed there last night when she came home....She wipes the tears away as she pulls her eyes from the feather,the last thing she has left of Tae, and picks up the quill and begins to write"
Tae has returned to the Island, but not to me..We talked last night and it seems he wants us to be separated, saying its best that way. Maybe he is right...
Besides, what is love anyways? Other than a lot of tears, pain and heartache. He loves someone that may one day return to him. Mean while he waits not knowing if she will ever return...He -thinks he loves me- and i accepted that but i dont think it was really enough. If Dahlia would never return to him, I still dont think he would ever love me. I think its just meant for me to be alone..
He mentioned this Island being cursed for any that fall in love or have deep feelings for anyone. Im beginning to think thats true... The Island, although beautiful, is cursed. After all, who here is happy? I mean really happy. I see people claiming they love each other, but yet i see a lot of tears and pain. If they truly loved each other, shouldnt they be happy?
I admitted that i cared for him but i also care for Alterio..Maybe ALterio has the right idea. If you love someone its better to lie to them if you want to keep them happy? IF you cant be what they expect you to be, then pretend you are. Being truthful just brings more pain and tears. Go for what you want, no matter how you have to do it...
Alterio says he cares for me and needs me? But does he or is he lying to me like he lies to the one he -supposedly- loves so much??? Or is it, he just doesnt want to lose anyone thats close to him and he will lie to make sure they stay.....
Ive heard him lie to Jane over and over, since before they got engaged and i kept my mouth shut. But yet, when i tried to let her know , without coming right out and telling her, she refused to believe. She chooses to ignore whats going on right before her eyes. She now knows he has a mistress. She says she loves him and he says he loves her. But Ive seen very few happy moments between them when are together. IS that love? Or is she just infatuated with ALterio...And Alterio, does he love her or is it just lust?
They will marry and after he beds her a few times, he will be bored to tears..Oh well i guess its their life, if thats what they want. She is young and has to live and learn the hard way, just like the rest of us have. But if she isnt happy now, how will she be after they are married? And if i were out of the picture, he would just find another mistress. I wonder if Jane even realizes that..If she does, she will choose to ignore it , hoping it goes away. But if that one goes away there will be a new mistress to replace her....
"she sighs as she glances at the feather again,deciding she doesnt want to think about this any more, she lays the quill down and closes the journal"
--Journal Entry, 18 May, Vixen.
*sits and rubs her eyes and wonders why she's even attempting her hand at this..picks up her quill and twirls it between her fingers thinking of what she wants to say* It seems that I've been on this island forever..and all I've seen is so much pain. I wonder why we bother to stay.
Is it the curse that keeps us here?..So many lies and stories..for what?..I know I'm not the one to appear blameless but I cant even imagine myself hoping to find love here. Maybe I should go home, maybe the lessons here are too hard to learn...Maybe I'm just a coward.
*pushes a stray obsidian curl from her cheek feeling a trail of wetness wondering when she started crying*
I see my friends..people I've come to care about begin to pick each other apart like vultures over some dead animal carcass. It sickens me to see everything here that starts as pure and good turn to some evil black swirling mess and nobody there to pull them out. I don't know anymore...Maybe I'll stay..Maybe I'll go..it all depends on how long I can survive this.
*drops the quill and wipes the tears again sniffling a bit..closes the book and pushes her chair from the table before. Standing and walks outside to let the calming sounds and smells of the sea try and make it a bit better*
--Journal Entry, 18 May, Alexandria Denae.
:::Smiles as she sips at her morning coffee, gazing out to the sea dreamily:::
Ahhh...another glorious day in paradise. Have I ever been this happy?
That sail yesterday with Claude was...amazing...the inlet he discovered absolutely wondrous...no wonder he wants to build our home there. I loved it and can imagine spending the rest of my days there...living, loving, just being with him.
Mmmm...Claude...does he know just how he affects me, I wonder...the way he looks at me sometimes just fills my heart...his mere touch excites me no end...I want him so badly sometimes, I could just burst. He seems much more relaxed now that he has been back for some days and that makes me even happier...we are having fun again...maybe too much fun...~giggles to herself as she thinks about the night behind the bleachers, silently grateful she was able to return to the Terrordome to retrieve her bra from the centre of the arena before someone else found it~
I look around sometimes...at the others here and things that happen...I wish they could all be as happy as I am right now, if only for a while. I think sometimes it sickens some as they watch Claude and I together ~chuckles~ Ahhh well...I have always found it hard to repress myself...it's just not me.
:::Sips her coffee and sighs with contentment:::
Well...best get some chores done to free myself for later. Claude departed early again this morning to leave me languishing in his bed here on the Tororian, hugging his pillow, burying my face in the scent of it...of him...will I ever get enough?
:::Takes a final mouthful of coffee and glances back to her previous entry of the day before, noting with a smile a remarkable difference...she no longer admonishes herself...what a diffence a day makes:::
--Journal Entry, 18 May, Rowsy.
**he picks up the stylus and wax tablet now favourinng them over parchment and begins to write*
Well, i did it.. I set Vix free..
*sighs and leans back against Azorah*.. She loves me or atleast believes she does.. but she has feelings for alterio aswell. I hope she doesnt become a wedge between him and Jane, though if its not her it will be someone else.
**he gently scratches Azorah.. about the only female he trusts completely to never hurt him*
I never meant to hurt Vix.. but i think she will be better off without me interfering in her life.
Oh well I think its time for Tael as ppl know him to die.. i will still be around just different..
**he stabs the stylus into the tablet, right through his name and begins thinking of who he shall be from now on**
--Journal Entry, 18 May, Taeliesyn.
(3 entries, same day, Claude)
What a day, I am so very happy as of late.
:He smiles joyously, looking through the papers, bills and other things as he worries for a moment. :
Money, I need my hands on some gold. But right now, Rowsy is all I care about, the serious nature I was clinging to, its gone now. Rowsy just drives me to foolishness so easily. Who cares though Claude. You aren't a Stark anymore, a serious spartan like man. You are a Torrent, wild free powerful...That is why you choose the alias isnt it..
: resting his in his hands he smiles. Taking swallow, of his morning coffee, sitting up high on a small cliff in the forest. :
I found this nice inlet, I must find the money, to build there.
I want to start a cruise ship, keep the Tororian there, build a small port only for that ship, it will take alot of money, but that should be my business. A cruise line. Then again, maybe not.
I was thinking today, a business would be great for me. I have always excelled in paperwork. Perhaps a Ship shop....that's it!
Begin building ships, from small sail boats, to a navy armada. I know more than enough of ships. I should consult with the SSMG soon. I have an appointment with a man to restructure the guild hall of the Striders, and help me eloquent a new creed. Business business business! I wish I could of just held Rowsy this morning. Leaving gets harder and harder. But I never intend on leaving. Rows, if only you knew what you do to me. I must snap out of it...
She means the world to me. I went to Teiyah, and applied for a job, a sword for hire. Though my better judgement suggested not to follow through, Rowsy said she didn't mind. But I knew she hated the idea. The sunrise is so beautiful, I should of brought Rows here. Well another time, I should leave myself alone, thinkning to much, aint healthy. I'm out of here.
: Stands looking to things around the cliff, and leaps off, landing to the cliff underneath, making his way down the cliffs, ledge by ledge.
-------------------------
How I must seem shallow, eh. Such things I used to hold in high regard. Depth, my old sword Deep Edge, lost at the Battle of the Winter. Luckily, I still had my blade, Silver breeze. I remember when wine, and blades were all that mattered. I realized tonight, I have changed little. Little growth, little improvement. So I am a hero in ANOTHER land. It doesn't matter here. But I don't care. I have Rowsy. She is all I need. Once more we made love tonight, We seem to, more and more. Unable to quench the love...or the lust...I do not know which.
I only know I must fight to keep her, innovate myself, reinvent myself. Or I could lose the woman, that drives my wild, that makes me forget. I said before, I am a Torrent, not a Stark, though Rowsy so different from the Stark way, makes me know I am a Stark. Knowing why mother said her proverbs, and father always fought. Its passion. Some only have passion for different things.
Good night
--------------------------
I offended Rowsy tonight. It was horrible..I disapointed her, truly. I tried to appologize. I tried to smooth over...to no avail. I only pray this isnt the end..I love her, I can live life without her. So please, if there are gods above or below, make them grant my prayer, for her forgiveness.
---Journal Entries, 18 May, Claude Torrent.
*starts to write chuckling at the color of his skin* Oye well i have failed yet again.. and as seems as usual failure has seen my skin change color, this time a rather bright purple.. my has also gone blue and i believe my teeth pink. well i will keep trying.. though i doubt i will ever mmake the elixor of life.
oh well its not like I am concentrating on my work fully.
*he leans back in his chair brushing a blue lock from his face*
though its not like I am getting anywhere in my ventures with *drops his quill blurring out the name a bottle explodes and he runs to control the blaze*
--Journal Entry, 19 May, Fallen Shadows
::she tilts her head sitting in the over-stuffed black leather chair, her eyes still bloodshot and puffy, she shakes her head trying to clear her thoughts::
Solitude, that is .... why am I doing this? I seem to have forgotten who or what it is that I am supposed to be.
::she rubs her eyes for a brief moment::
Ardsheal, I have not seen nor heard from him in over a week. Was I foolish for believing he could be the one to make me forget?
::sighing softly she glances around for a bottle of tequilla but they are all empty, she growls softly and sends a guard to bring back more::
Even in my solitude the messengers still come, the work still pours forth. I now wonder if I am of sound mind to be dealing with business, but at the same time I know I can't let someone else take control of my ventures.
::she looks out towards the waterfall listening to the waters rush then back to what she is writing::
Zyllah...... how I miss seeing my sister, how I long to bring her here. She perhaps will never know what she really means to me. All these years it was assumed I took care of her out of obligation, but truth be told, I wouldn't have changed any of it. I don't know how much longer I will keep my sanity if I don't see her soon. All these years I was supposed to be the strong one, but it was really her that made me strong. Knowing that she needed me, thinking that she couldn't make it without me. Now I wonder if all this time..... was it truly me that couldn't make it without her?
::she shakes her head and puts the journal aside thinking perhaps a dip in the pond will bring her to her senses:
--Journal Entry, 19 May, Teiyah.