Dear Journal,
This morning I awoke in Ben's arms. I had the first good nights sleep in a long time. And he held me in his strong arms, all night night long.
~smiles brightly, a look of happiness and contentment on her face~~
No one has ~ever~ done that for me before. Well besides my mother. I worry for Ben though, Alterio will become very upset, once he sees his guards back at his home. The guards he put there to make sure I was kept pure, I assume. But Ben, sweet Ben .. He ordered them away from his home because he loves me. He worries for me.
It upsets me that Alterio does not trust me or Ben though. Ben ... I have ~so~ many things running through my mind about him. He has remained there for me when I felt I had lost him. He always been there. His love for me is so strong. It amazes me. ~He~ amazes me. After all the hurt I put him through, he still loves me.
~pauses for a moment, thinking of him with a soft smile on her face. she dips her quill and puts it back to paper~
And my love for him, grows stronger everday. I still have fears though. Fears of being close to anyone. I am ~so~ afraid, if I truly let him the rest of the way into heart, he will leave. Just like Alex. I almost lost him the other night. That fear, those nightmares ... they started all over again. I could not bear it.
So I continue to hold my feelings back some what. I hope in doing this, I do lose him that way as well.
~sighs as she redips her quill~
So many fears. All I am doing is building up my walls. And those walls need to come down. I am not sure how though. I look around me and I realize, I am not the only one with walls. There is HalfDan. He is torn between the past and present. And his only solace in these feelings, is his harp.
Then there is Teiyah, oh poor Teiyah. How snap at her for no reason. She has been so good to me and my family.
~sighs softly~
But she is so much like Alterio. And I try to keep my walls up where he is concered.
Alterio, he has hurt me ~so~ much. Finding out that he and Anthony, planned on killing Alex. That ... that about destroyed me. My own brothers. Alterio .. him being the light of my life when I was younger. Me thinking the sun rose and set in him. Now ... seeing him now. I have seen this before. Witnessed it first hand, from a man I despise most in this world ... My father. I do not want this for Alterio. But yet, I am powerless to stop it. He will not let me in.
And what he did to Axalon, I grow even more angry everytime I think of it. Telling Axal's soon to be finacee', that Axal had another woman as well as her.
~Why~ does he do these things?? This woman loved my baby brother so very much. And he, sweet Axal .. he loved her. I have never seen him so happy. I just hope he can work things out. He has asked me not to interfere. So I will respect his wishes. But my protective side is kicking in. It always has where Axal was concerned. I want to go to this woman, tell her ~everything~. Make her come back to Axal. But I can not. I promised him I would not. I just hope everything works out for him.
~sighs softly, laying down the quill. she leaves her book open and rises to start her day~
--Journal Entry, Lady Alianna Carazzi, 13 May.
Dear Journal,
So I have returned, I stood at the beach today. For hours it seemed, the tide falling rom the shore, only to rise up, the surge of water ebbing, then growing. My, things change. I spoke to Rowsy, and have spoke with most of my friends.
No reason to dwell on the problems of the isle. Not this time. The sky, it looks so very beautiful this evening the shades of colors, the fire of the sun seemingly dying as it sets down to rest. The palms, the sand under my boots, oh how I have missed this place. Knighthoods are starting, Aemelia seeks to start one I think. If only I could be a knight, but I threw it away. Curse you Stannis....
One man, ruined my fate. I could of been a gloriuos Knight of Winterfell. A prince, a king. But I was forced to run, from a simple warlord, that all to easily fell. Now, dear Sansa rules Winterfell. A figurehead, her only a pawn of parliment. Poor Sansa, my dear sister. I thought she was dead all these years. Ah, rubbish all of it. No need to dwell on past. I am a smuggler, a pirate...Not a heroic knight....Are they even heroic men? Just men? A man that stands for truth? I see it now, my many friends are those I would fight, if not for Stannis. That warlord, molded this life of mine.
: He frowns and takes a swift drink of his scotch, before looking back to the ocean and his leather bound journal :
Well, Sansa is on the throne, and I will no longer leave to Winterfell. Cystal Shores is my life now. But, knighthood...I long for it. All these years I wished I oculd be what I was meant to be, not a pirate a smuggler. Profit, thats the ticket. I have spent to much time fighting for justice. I will keep my appearances, do what I think is right, when its right for me. I am losing the games of mice and men it would seem. I am behind the masses. The stench at the back of a crowd is quite wretched. Teiyah seems to deal with life, but I now understand how hard things are for her. I made penance with her for my deeds, but I still wonder...Rowsy welcomed me joyfully...For that I am glad, truly glad. I looked through the archives, for any mention of me from her, not a word. I was a bit disapointed..but that thinking is vain I supposed. Ben, was captured by a massive sea serpent, I almost dove in after him, but he was found alive, so alls well. I am a bit concerned with Beruse, the poor boy. I cannot say anything to Carazzi, but sometimes his actions earn hims strife. Then at the same time he gets the strife, two fold. It seems Black is happy, and I am all too glad for him and Alianna. Not prudent, as soon as it is to Alex's death. But a suicide, the selfish wretch...Good luck to Ali I say! Ben is such a good friend and Half...But I notice Ben has his own problems, and Halfdan, more than enough. Halfdan has quite the age related dilemas it seems. I only hope Zyllah isnt hurt. I loved her once, if it only for a moment. A good woman, always putting other before herself. Though sometimes she seemed so needy. Rowsy holds my heart firm though, I doubt she realizes it fully...If she only knew the battles I survived for her in Winterfell. But escaping death there is no big matter.
See, the key is to escape death her, not physical death, but the current death of my soul. My sorrow my regrets, I sense a new tide coming for me. But I shall fight against it, though I now know something. I was destined to be a knight, but it shall be hard to do. But, I will keep the Tororian, and make it a cruise vessel. I have the adjustments done to the ship all I must do is contact the SSMG, ( silver seaport merchants guild ). I will let Rowsy run parts of the business, while I will most assuredly forget this pirate vigilante occupation, that gives me little, and turn this Striders of Torrent, into the Knights of the Torrent.. A knighthood I will start. I will keep it secret of my royal blood, and the knighthood will be started by Claude Torrent, the once rougish man, that wished to make a difference.
See Im talking in circles, but profit thought a helpful goal, is not the goal of my life. I will make enough through the Tororian, but I know now...I am meant to be a knight, like I am destined to be. I only hope the fates will agree.. and let this change of my destiny be done. Enough of this blather, in any course, I have work to do.
: Closes his book a bit angry at the world now, determined to become what his father wished him, and what he wishes himself, a knight...a new knight, for a new age. His coat whisks about him as he stands and heads to pleasuredome.
--Journal Entry, 13 May, Claude Torrent.
The mainland is really killing me... Every time I go, I want more to stay, but then I remember I have to take care of Laural and Nik... I love them both so much.
I nearly died when I heard Black was eaten. I don't know what I would have done. He is my brother, and maybe more. He is practically my family on this island besides Laural and Nik. Speaking of which... I have to talk to him...
My distributor on the mainland is a dolt... I must fire him next time... I seriously think he is stealing from me right under my nose.
My family back home... I am sure mother would like to hear of my travels. Perhaps I'll send her a scroll later ofter I finish this journal entry, but then I have to oversee my house construction. Should not be long until it is finished. I can't wait to see my new home.
Aye, I must be going, this damned messanger hasn't stopped all day. It's my distrubitor on the mainland again... perfect time to fire him...
Farewell, and love always Nik and Laural
---Journal Entry, 13 May, Mordred
"rubs her throbbing temples after a sleepless night... she sighs thinking back over last night's conversation with Alterio..picking up the quill she begins to write"
It's unbelievable that he can ask me to have a child with him, after the argument we had a few days ago at 'dome.
Trying to buy my silence, then threatening to burn all my shops. When none of this worked, he threatens Tae. And finally threatening me to stick to the roads! All of this to keep Jane from finding out im his mistress. Now he wants to have a child. Is this to be kept hidden and from Jane also? Or am i to be shipped back to the mainland so she wont find out? But yet he claims he loves her..... How can you love someone if you lie to them and keep things secret? He loves her so much that within minutes of her leaving the 'dome he has Jasmin on his lap and is kissing her..Maybe he wants Jasmin to carry his child also.
"not wanting to think about this subject any more, she lays the quill down and closes the journal getting up slowly, she rubs her eyes and goes to get dressed for the day"
---Journal Entry, 15 May, Vixen Blade
::takes a deep breath after having posted the guards outside the entrance of the cove, eight guards this time, as she wants to be sure that no one is allowed in. leaning back in the over-stuffed black leather chair, pulling the black teddybear closer as she takes journal and quill in hand and shakes her head clearing her thoughts one last time before beginning to write::
Oh my sweet sister, I don't even know where to begin to try to help her. Things never work out for the women of my family, they never have. We too often give our hearts to men that either don't really want us, or that will use us. How I fear her innocence has been ruined by this whole experience with Dan. I wonder if her heart will harden, or if she will become bitter towards love. I always tried to protect her, I guess that is where I truly failed her. Had I let her see more of what the world was really like maybe she wouldn't be so hurt now.
Had I let her see the things I had to do to keep us both alive and prospering perhaps she would understand more. I wonder if she will blame me for what she is going through, I wonder if she feels like I have turned my back on her for finally giving her space to live her own life and to make her own decisions. Now I see that she shows more and more of my tendencies, from what I understand she has retreated to the cabin, allowing only a few select people in. Pain causing her to retreat into herself, so much like me, but so much better then me. She has the same good heart that our parents had, nothing like me. I don't know what to do for her, or if anyone can do anything for her. I suppose only time will heal her, or harden her.
::looks at the table beside her and shakes her head looking at the half empty bottle of tequilla, then picking it up and finishing it off before going back to her writing::
Alterio... god the man is beginning to make my skin crawl. He knows exactly what to do and say to just infuriate me. He uses things and people that are close to me to make me hurt. He seems to take a great amount of pleasure in seeing me hurt. He has to be the most selfish man I know, yet everyone bows down and kisses his feet. It makes me sick to see everyone do what he wants, for no other reason then they fear him. I don't fear him, I love him, but I hate him all at the same time. I hate how he treats people, I hate that he lies to everyone, I hate how he uses people to advance in his own sick twisted plans.
I guess what I hate most is that there are people that say I am just like him. I hate that he knows that I love him and that he uses it against me. I hate that he won't just leave me alone. He has made his choices very clear to me and to the other women in his life. He has his fiance, his mistress, his slave... I just want to be left alone. I think his decision to hire me to look after Jas was a plot. He knew that I cared for the girl, and he uses it against me, but not for too much longer. I will not be used like that. Why should I have to be subjected to watching him kiss all over her when jane isn't around, why did he hire me?... to taunt me? NO, I will no longer allow that in anyway. Let those that wish to be on his good side do his dirty work for him, I am not the one any longer.
::shakes her head as she reaches down beside the chair and retrieves yet another bottle of tequilla, this one unopened. she opens it and places it to her lips before draining half the bottle in a few quick gulps then shoving it between the arm of the chair and her thigh going back to her writing::
Jas, sweet jas how it must feel to be her. She is somewhat like me but nothing like me. I wonder how she feels knowing that she is owned by the man I love and that watching him touch her and kiss her makes me want to slit her throat. I don't ever want to hurt jas..... I just hate how it makes me feel inside seeing it go on. I feel it best I distance myself from that job, from him and most painfully from her. I will not allow this to hurt me though, because I guess I saw it coming.
::frowns deeply knowing inside it hurts more then she will ever admit too::
Ardsheal, I haven't seen him since he gave me the pendant. I wonder if I will ever see him again. I wasn't meant to love or to care for anyone. I was meant to be alone. Those that I grow close to eventually I shove away for their own good. The more people I let close to me the more I hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore, I am so tired of hurting. I thought that throwing myself into my work would allow me an escape from the pain, but it hasn't, if anything I feel the pain three-fold. I don't know why alterio doesn't want me with Ardsheal, or why he ripped the pendant from my neck. I don't even think I really care anymore. I have sealed myself up within my cove, I will venture out only to replenish my tequilla supply or to swim in the pond or bathe on the sunbathing rock. I don't want to see anyone, because people make me feel and feeling makes me hurt and hurting is something I am tired of doing. I just want to be left alone, for how long? I don't know, I now wonder if I will ever emerge from this cove unless to tend to business.
::bursts into tears and shoves the book off her leg and onto the floor as she buries her head against the teddybear and just cries, emotions washing over her, so many emotions that she doesn't know how to deal with, they overwhelm her to the point of insanity as she finally breaks down::
--Journal Entry, 15 May, Teiyah