I surprised myself today, I played the biggest fool ever. I barely got a wink of sleep last night. Rowsy laying beside me, usually calms my nerves. Not this time. Why? I made my "stand." What difference has it accomplished? All those fools...judging me because they cannot see infront of there faces..
I can't mean that, only days ago I thought them all as friends...Even that arogant Alterio. It was exhilirating, that fight. The clang of the sword, the falling of blood. But I was only lucky. Don't get me wrong, I may of did alright. Rowsy, told me it was alright...but is it? Out of one fight, one simple fight I lost the respect of everyone.
But he challenged me! For something I did not do, the pompous ass only thought I would be easy kill! We all know Torlin did it. True enough what he said, I don't deserve Rowsy, I deserve her, as much as he deserves Jane. Do i even mean that....I can't. Jane is like a sister to me. Helped me through many a time...Alterio, why. Why, did this one night, you had to let your temper flare. Why, did you not hold your tongue. Moreover, why did I not just deny you the duel.
Enough! Why, should I care what these people think, much less a man that has only made trouble for me.
: he frowns realizing his own lapses in judgement..with a smirk he resumes his writing:
I know why. Because I love this isle. I love all the people here, in there own ways. Don't get me wrong...not the love of a family...or a lover, but friends..Respect. I may of lost sight of it for them. But I have regained it. As for Alterio, who gives a damn. He denies me respect. So be it. That his own accord. I will simply live my life.
Vixen, was so angry last eve...funny. Love does funny things. Halfdan always the sage friend...a good man indeed. Giving me his friendly council, as his friends turn against me. I will make it up to him. Mag, may be the only one of them, I cannot show respect to. Thinking I bother her affairs, ha the bitch. Simple and proper...bitch. She stuck her nose in my affairs more than once. Foolish girl. But I dont mean that either. As a friend of Halfdan's I cannot wave a hand against her. Lest she forces me to.
Nun impressed me last night, quite wise when he wishes, but it seems still the fool. Speaking of me having no regard for others. The sexist fool has no regard for anything but the objects of his lust. The rumors in the paper, seem to make me unfit to speak such judgement however...Though they be lies. Isebell, i dont even know an isebell, nor have I been here to do such a deed. Lies, murders, the plots of mice and men....Like I said, all like I forseen. Perhaps I should be the psychic.
This is just angering me more, lies, false arguements, foolish men, and foolish women...Me the biggest fool of them all. I resisted the "big tide" true...But it is to late to go with the flow now, and it seems my resistance, has only put myself in danger. More over....I has put myself away from what I cherish, friends...they say no man is an island...but it seems right now I am atleast a pennusula. Ah, stupid anectdotes. Time for me to shut up.
Journal Entry, 25 May, Claude Torrent
I have much to do...much. Now that I know that Alterio loves Vixen as much as he loves me. Well, everyone seems to be against me being with Alterio. I feel their accusing eyes, I hear them saying "You're trying to change him..."
Well what can I do? Let him run off with someone else, marry us both, have him one night, and she can have him the other? I can't live like that! It's unfair of THEM to ask me to! All I've ever wanted was someone to call my own, to need and be needed by one person. I can't call Alterio my own if he loves her, too. I'm young, I have a lot to do with my life yet, and I'm restless. I want just one person I can run with, adventure with, and enjoy while they accept the same from me.
Let them call me selfish, but how can they tell me I shouldn't try to change him, yet expect me to change to make him happy? Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I can't stay if he gets what he wants. And he won't be happy if I get what I want. There doesn't seem to be a compromise. Maybe I should just give up. I love him, but they say that if you love something you have to let it go, and if it comes back to you, then you know it was yours all along. So that's what I'll do.
I have a lot to occupy me while I'm grieving, for I will grieve. Just not in front of them. Let them be furious with me. They're furious anyway. I can't do it anymore.
I'll go back to the cottage, live with Sirrala, take Uncle Treyman with me. I'll release Alterio from the engagement, and let him follow his own path without having to worry about my welfare or feelings. I'll stay home if I must. All day, all the time, helping Sirra with the herbs, learning the lute, working. That's fine by me. Saying goodbye to Mairin will be hard. I won't say goodbye to Alterio. I'll simply say that I will see him later. When next I see him, I'll let him know.
The ball has dropped. I knew it would. I've been through things like this before. I feel flushed, an ache in my stomach. Influenza? That's what Sirra would say, but it's not that. This is best for everyone. Lina did say, everything always works out alright in the end. Well, let's hope this helps. Let's hope Vixen, Alterio, Ali, Torlin and I can find peace. Maybe even Teiyah?
I have to pack...
Journal Entry, 25 May, Jane Maichen
Y'know,
I don't even know why I bother. These people, they're all hypocrites. Every last one of 'em. Alianna proved that to me beyond a shadow of a doubt today. I think I'm the only person left on this damn island who IS happy. I love it here. Plenty of fights, beautiful weather, new scenery, interestin' people. Hell, I even signed up for the Silver Seaport Auxiliary. I talked to Lord Pryce (I call him lord, 'cause after that night, he earned the title) an' he says I can wear the badge on a chain, an' I don't even have to wear a uniform. Hell, I figure they can always use a scout as well. Not to mention I enjoy a good fight. And I think war is fun. Sick? Maybe, but I ain't never been normal.
As for this entire Jane/Alterio/Vixen Love Triangle, all I can say is damn. Alterio's an ass for trying to marry two women, CJ's a bigger ass for wanting to stay with him, and Vixen...well, she's always been an ass. I like her, but she's still an ass. But hey, with all the accusations flying around, all I can do is try to be neutral. I got my opinion, of course, but I'm finding more and more, the mindless drones here don't wanna hear that.
Speakin' of mindless drones, I'm so tired of hearing the same sob story from everyone. If yer gonna leave 'cause you can't handle Alterio's shit, and you ain't gonna do nothin' about it, and you're gonna continue to defend him when others get sick of Alteiro, then go. Hell, you all come to me, I'll pay your way back! Buncha hypocrites. I love it. They foster their own unhappiness, and blame it on a "curse" on the island. Lemme ask you all one very simple question. If this island is cursed, how is it the natives are happy and have thrived here for centuries?
Well, enough of my rambling. People don't like me. That's fine. I don't like them. But, they also don't like a person who speaks the truth. And that's something I stand for.
Journal Entry, 26 May, Torlin
Dear Journal,
I am ~so~ upset right now! So upset I can hardly see straight! Why?! Why I ask you did he whip me for having an opinion?! I am not a little girl anymore! I am ~so~ damned humiliated! And they ~all~ sat there! Even after I tried to get out of his office. They all just sat there!
And the one person I swore would ~never~ want to see me hurt. The one person I thought ~knew~ of everything I had been through with my father, just sat there! Crying over how ~I~ was out of line for hitting him!
~cries hard, trying to wipe her eyes as she writes~
I am ~not~ those things Torlin said! I ~do~ take responsibility for my actions! And the actions of others around me! All I have ~ever~ wanted was to keep my family, and everyone else around me happy! Is that so wrong? Yes, maybe I am ~too~ sensitive as Torlin stated. But is it ~so~ wrong to be ~that~ passionate about life? About the family, friends and people around you?
Gawd knows I had to live that way growing up. I had to live with my happy memories. The ones few and far between. Those happy memories are what got me through everything. What helped me to protect my ittle brother. Even ~he~ has grown up the same way.
It is ~so~ not right what Alterio did! I am ~not~ a child anymore! I am a grown woman! I am 20! But whip me as if I was a twelve year old. That was not right. Not right at all. I was just taking up for him. For me. Because of Torlin. And then to threaten to tell Ben on me.
I will ~never~ forgive Alterio. ~Never~ He has hurt me his last time. And Torlin .. the one person I thought I could ~always~ turn too. They broke my heart today.
~cries softly into her hands, beginning again~
I was going to leave, but Alterio has ordered guards on every ship. I have sent Axal a letter. In it, I asked if I could come and visit with him. I hope he says yes. I do not want to be here anymore.
Then I think of Ben. My love has hurt Alterio and Torlin. Next is Ben. Maybe my leaving ~will~ be better for everyone ...
~lays her head down, crying softly into her arms. defeated and finally broken~
Journal Entry, 26 May, Alianna Carazzi.
The the first Talent Show on the Island was held last night and was a huge success. Everyone walked away with something for participating and everyone had a great time. We hope the next one will be bigger and better. Im just sorry Alterio had to miss it. He would have enjoyed seeing all the great talent we have on the island. It was very difficult to choose the winners among them. They were all outstanding.
Alterio.... well we had a talk today at Terrordome after a duel with torlin. The duel was a draw, thank god they finally listened to me and stopped.
Anyways, he damn near told me he loved me today. He said "I Lov...Care for you" ... he is so afraid to say the word -love-.
And he admitted to me that Jane reminds him of Mirell and he did Mirell wrong and he thinks he can right that wrong with Jane. By marrying Jane.. Gods, cant he see thats not gonna change what a 16 young, naive kid did in the past. Jane Is NOT Mirell and she never will be. What happended in the past cant be made right by marrying the wrong person, yet again. Is he willing to live the rest his life unhappy married to Jane? And im suppose to stand back and watch this. I dont think i can.. I Love him to damn much.I want to see him happy again.
He is afraid to marry me because im a free soul he says. And thats what attracted him to me. And if he marries me i would have to change. And he is afraid of suffocating me... gods thats not gonna happen. As of right now i dont know what he is gonna do. Marry Jane and live unhappily ever after? Trying to make up for something that happened years ago. Something that he did as a kid.. God i hope he opens his eyes and thinks real hard before he shoves me away again.. How long can i be there for him? He and I should have been together years ago. He knows that but will he turn his back on us once again? My heart and soul belongs to him. And now i know he does love me. I just dont know if he is going to try to ignore that to make amends for the past.
Well I guess I will have to wait, like Ive always waited for him. Damn it Alterio, why do I love you so damn much??
"sighs as she starts talking to herself , she lays the quill down and closes the journal"
Journal Entry, 26 May, Vixen Blade.
::sighs as when she slept one of the guards knocked over a half-empty bottle of tequilla onto her last entry and she sits to re-collect her thoughts::
I proved everyone wrong last night in that talent contest, they all thought of me as nothing more then a mindless drone that does nothing but kill/fight. Not a single one of them ever stopped to consider if there was anything behind all the hate, behind all the rage, behind the front. Will anyone ever see past what it is that I show them? Probably not. Do I honestly care? No I don't care if anyone ever sees the things that I hide, the things that only this journal will ever tell tale of. The only tenderness that anyone ever sees me show is to my sister. Can that be counted for as tenderness or is it loyalty? The line is very blurry where that is concerned. But the look on their faces as they all realized that there was more to me then just my blade, as they sat there completely dumbstruck by the poem that I recited... most definately a delicious, amusing thing to lay witness too. That's right I am only supposed to be a fighter, one with no thoughts of what goes on around me.
::shakes her head with a soft laugh::
They truly know nothing, although most claim to know much.
::she dips the quill again and continues as her thoughts shift to another subject all together::
Nun he claims to have feelings for me, I already know what his feelings are, or I think I do. He is just like all the others that think they know me but know nothing. I grow tired of having to turn people down, I grow tired of being a piece of meat that they all think they want. How can any of them claim to want anything to do with me yet know nothing about me... it makes me sick. How many times will I have to slap Nun and tell him to keep his hands off of me? He knows he can not best me, although he may have beaten me in a friendly spar, when push comes to shove I will not be beaten when it counts. He has even gone so far as to try to spank me twice now and failed both times. When he grows tired of me not responding to his games, he will simply move on to the next 'pretty' thing that passes him.
::with a sweep of her arm she sends bottles of tequilla (some full, some empty, most drained completely) onto the floor beside the desk, shattering them as her thoughts turn to Zyllah, Treyman and Jane::
Jane how she is so set in revenge against Treyman. I think a lot about Trey. I know not much about what he was like before we raised him from the dead, but I do know that if Jane carries out this plan of revenge then she will be no better then she claims him to be. She has said many times that what she wants for me is to find some sort of peace, some sort of happiness... but yet when I think that is within my grasp she wants to rob me of it. I spoke to her last night about Trey. I asked her not to go through with her plot. She wanted to know why it mattered to me, I honestly can't say why it matters to me. Maybe I think he deserves a chance to prove that he is not like he was before his death, that indeed maybe being dead has changed him. Maybe I want the chance to prove something... what is it that I wish to prove in regards to Trey? She seems to think that Trey will take what he wants from me and then leave me destroyed. I asked her what made her think that I was not plotting my own path to destruction. She then got very angry with me and agreed to wait. I only hope she does, not many people on this island ever tell me the truth, so I will have to wait and see.
::chews on her bottom lip as her thoughts shift to Zyllah and her parents alone::
When I spoke to Jane last eve it made me think of how I robbed Zyllah of the one thing that might have brought her back to us, the one thing that would have made my sister smile and might have brought her to who she really is. I now know that by placing her parents in the ground that I have ruined any chance that there might have been to raise them from the dead. I robbed my sister of her happiness. Once again I have failed her, without knowing that I did. I keep thinking to myself that there must be a way to do this, yet I know that it is not possible. I have never feared anything in my life, yet now.... I fear that Zy will not be who she was supposed to be and it is because I have failed her. I still wonder if I should remove myself from her, leave her to her own resources and let her make her own way in life. At the same time I know that I could never stay away from her, she is the only family that I have left.
::she lays the quill down and runs her hands over her face shaking her head as she mumbles::
"And then Ardsheal, I have been sent word from him after so long of him being gone hearing nothing, what am I to think of a man that claims to want me and then vanishes with no word at all....."
::she pushes the quill and journal aside then walks out of the study and past the waterfall, down the trail and slipping into the forest alone, almost wondering if she can get Torlin to hold true to his threat::
Journal Entry, 26 May, Teiyah.