I miss my master and his kindness and just being there when he needed a kind jester. I know not what to do with myself I have been offered help but I try not to be owing to any. I have read my masters journal and my heart nearly broke when he stated he possibly would take me back.. but how can I explain to him that tho I miss my station (at least I knew what to do with myself)how can I explain the reasons for my disobediance
::sighs softly and wipes away her tears::
I watched Lady Jane and her anger and hurt the day she and he fought I watched her for hours and it broke my heart that the Lady I thought was my friend would hold it against me for following my masters orders I was so hurt and during the fight when he struck her I felt my own Heart break. I felt that tho she was upset about vixen and me as well that if I angered him enough he would sell me or give me away or something and maybe satisfy Jane by my being gone for I wish not for my master and vixen to be parted they have been together so long...
But I never knew he would release me to fend for myself .... and now he thinks I have sold my body tho no one has laid hand on me since he last touched my cheek... I know not what to do ... Shall I return and beg his forgiveness and seek to serve him once more?? Or will that only anger Lady Jane again and cause him more pain or perhaps I should just go away I am unimportant and perhaps My master will find true happiness someday for I pray to the gods that be that he does. I was a fool
::sits down her diary and drops her face into her hands and crys deep heart wrenching tears:: she mumbles softly I am so afraid!!!!!!
Journal Entry, Jasmin Rose, uncollared, 21 May.
::draws her knees to her chest and rests her chin on them..turns her head to gaze at the book and quill laying close at hand..closes her eyes and hears the soft tune running through her head and hums to herself. Turning fully in her seat she takes the quill and opens the journal, running her fingers over the clean page then reaches up to twist her troublesome curls and toss them over her shoulder before bending to her task..dipping the quill in the small inkwell and then procedes to write::
I see the things that happen here and I hear the stories..such heartache and sorrow. Moments of happiness glimmer every now and again and maybe thats why I hold on, waiting for that glimmer. Vixxy has been such a dear friend and Alterio more like a troublesome big brother putting up with my troublesome antics. I know the fear Jane feels and I wonder ...nae..tis not my place..I just wish the pain would stop..for all of them..one way or another...
:the tune runs through her head as she writes and she closes her eyes trying to think of maybe words to go with the simple melody..shakes off her distraction and returns to her writing::
Fallen..*rolls her eyes playfully* if I get my hands on him..pink hair..he'll pay..I miss the good times...maybe one day.
::closes the journal on todays small entry and begins to hum the tune again..forming the words..smiling. She slides the journal away and leans back in her chair thinking maybe she'll write them later::
Journal Entry, 21 May, "Lexxie" a/k/a Alexandria Denae
"finally gives up trying to sleep this night, she yawns rubbing her eyes after another night of crying and tossing and turning...sighing she picks up the quill and looks at the page and begins to write"
I worked most of the day yesterday at the new resort that im trying to get ready to open. A few minor things to do yet and it will be ready. I wonder if there are any couples here that are happy enough together to even want a romantic getaway...I left a deed to a cottage in Alterios office yesterday morning..God knows he needs a few days of peace and quiet ....and rest. He sent back a quick reply and booked the cottage for next weekend,,,for us. I think he needs this break, away from the stress and tension and work..
I walked into 'dome last not long after Alterio arrived. My GOD the tension so thick, I started to turn around and leave. Jane was there, but pretty much giving Alterio the cold treatment.
""sighs seeing how unhappy he was last night, she shakes her head"
..How long can this go on? Alterio is being pulled in so many directions, by Jane, Teiyah and me and others. I try to not make any demands on him. The others are making enough demands for all of us. But my being in his life, involved with him.. is making enough demands i guess. Maybe i should leave. Could he be happy with one less to have to worry about? IF i thought he could i would leave the island, sneak away without him knowing. I would do anything to see him happy. I cant take much more of this. I love him to damn much to see him miserable like this. Yes it would kill me to have to leave him, but i would do whats best for him.
"thinking about all this and trying to decide what to do, she lays the quill down and closes the journal as she gets up to get ready to face the day"
Journal Entry, 22 May, Vixen Blade.
::grumbles after having not slept as her mind raced with thoughts of raising the dead, not a drop to drink as she pictures Treyman, thinking about her hand upon his lips then her arm draped through his. She picks up the quill and tilts her head::
Zy.... could this be the way to finally make her happy, to give her back what was taken from her so long ago? I will have to spend more time watching and learning this entire situation before I can make that decision. If this is indeed true, if the dead can be raised without them being changed into monsters.... then finally after all this time, after all these years, Zyllah can have back what is most dear to her, her parents. It would mean my leaving this island to return to the place that I laid them in the ground so long ago after Zyllah cried herself into an exhausted sleep, but I would do anything for her, hell I would give my life for her. Which indeed would be what I was doing if I arranged this. Life as I have known it for all these years would be over. I would have no family left, although Zyllah would have back hers, so I guess that is all that truly matters.
::she closes her eyes for a minute, shaking her head then opening them and continuing to write::
Everyone on this island seems to think that they know what I want. I don't even know what I want anymore. I barely speak to Alterio, yet it seems that people think that I make demands on him, that I in some way I am a part in his life. The distance between he and I grows more by the day, and I can't say that it upsets me at all. I asked him, no I begged him to just leave me alone and finally, he has. He never needed me, he has much in his life to keep him content. I am glad we no longer really speak or even acknowledge one another, maybe now I can finally feel numb towards him.
::nods as she thinks her hand continuing to move over the page of the journal almost as if the words are just pouring out of her soul::
Ardsheal, that one vanished. Draws me close to him then vanishes. Just like a man. Why I ever thought he would be there for me is just completely beyond me. Maybe it was just that I wanted... no needed... someone to be close to. Nun he never gives up. Continuously at me. I see the looks between Mags and Dan when Nun is near me, I hear the things that are being said between the two of them about he and I. None of which are true, but what do I care what people say or what they think. The only thing Nun wants from me is a tumble, which is something that I may never do with anyone. I know his actions, his words are not what they appear to be and it doesn't matter to me. Sometimes I need a lap to curl up on and his is always available, he would not turn me away. Although the only reason he doesn't is because he thinks that maybe if he is there when I want him there that it might lead to him being able to bed me. So what if I let him think that, it won't ever happen.
::sighs softly to herself as she rubs her eyes for a minute then continues to write::
Actually, I know no one has ever looked deep enough inside me to know what it is that I really yearn for. All these years taking care of someone else. Making sure that nothing happened to my sister. Making sure she had everything she could have ever wanted or needed. When is it my turn to be taken care of? Would I even allow someone to pamper me, to spend their money on me, to buy me things? Would I even acknowledge it if someone professed to love me. Probably not. Sometimes when the guards are sleeping I go down to the pond and just sit staring at the waters. Sometimes the stars speak to me like they did when I was younger. The desire to be needed is what runs through me, the longing to be held by someone that loves me, by someone that needs me. Zy doesn't need me anymore, what she needs is time for her heart to heal, maybe even her parents, but her time for needing me has long passed. I don't know what to do with myself now that I am no longer needed.
::sets the quill down and rubs her hands together as a new thought forms in her mind::
Maybe... maybe I will use going to get the remains of our parents as an excuse, maybe I will leave to get them and simply not come back. Maybe then I will stop being what everyone sees me as. I have done nothing to anyone. I am not happy on this island, but then again I don't remember if I was ever happy anywhere. Maybe I will go to the remains of her parents and dig them up, only to have them sent back by themselves with a note for them to be brought back from the dead just like Treyman. Will they all just finally stop thinking that they know anything about me then? Will I be forgotten easily? Will people stop assuming that I want anything from anyone? Maybe it's past time for me to go, I should have gone before on Zyllah's birthday, I should not have allowed myself to be swayed by Black's words or actions and then Alterio's. I should have taken the boat back to the mainland that night, left this cursed place and never looked back.
::closes her eyes as tears streak down her cheeks, she wipes them away and continues::
Yet something keeps me here. What is keeping me here? Is it the very few times that I spend alone with him? The times when he really looks into me and sees... me. Is it that I have brought Zy here and now feel like I can't just leave her behind? Do I put up with all the pain inside in exchange for very brief moments of happiness? What the hell am I becoming? After all this time should I lay down my sword, give in to some man that means nothing to me, fake being in love to marry and stay at home having children? Gah those thoughts are ridiculous.
::she shakes her head and sets the quill aside rising from the desk and walking out of the study past the waterfall to look down at the pond:
Journal Entry, 22 May, Teiyah
::stops working on the article for the paper and pulls out a fresh peice of parchment, sighing a bit as she watches the waves roll in::
It actually worked...we revived the dead. More like I revived the dead...for without a mage there the trip would have been in vain. I don't like myself too much after that, after seeing the dead rise, and seeing his cold eyes at the mention of Jane. I trust him not...though I doubt few trust him...
I have a very uneasy feeling about this. The ground began to shake when he rised...but not too much to make us worry about an eruption. It was safer this time...on account that there was no lava flowing on the ground... I feel there is another threat now...
And Teiyah....she is planning something. She stayed too quiet for being Teiyah...Who knows? I can always be wrong...but cautious none the less...
And now that we know we can bring back people that died on other soil...what are we to do with this information? We certainly can not have everyone bringing back loved ones...I hope that others have thought of this, or this Isle may get overpopulated quickly...
::She sighs and glances about as she continues to write::
A few were shaky after this last quest, just staring at the formerly dead, as he walked among us... poor Rowan seemed so shaken...
I fear something, feeling it in the pit of muy stomache...but I know not what. I do know I will keep my eyes open and my guard up... That is all I can really do for the moment...
:;She sighs and begins on the article once more::
Journal Entry, 22 May, Lina Metallium
It worked! I can hardly bare to believe, but it worked. Uncle Treyman is back, and looking just as I remember him. He is ignorant of my knowledge of that day, the day his soldiers murdered Wesley and my unborn sibling, my mother, my small cousin, crippled my father, all those others...
Well, the time for vengeance has arrived, and I will have it! I want to keep him awhile first, delve into his mind. It feels odd to have a relation so near. I wonder if he knows his daughter is still alive. He hasn't asked after Ashling at all. He ate like a horse, though. Nothing left in the kitchen once he was through. I posted some of Alterio's guards at his bedroom door last night. I couldn't sleep a wink! I've never felt so alive, so anticipating. His torture will be slow and agonizing, I'll see to it. He'll pay...
Journal Entry, 22 May, Jane Maichen