"Dance Club"
I was violated tonight...
I can't get his smell out of my clothes
I still remember people laughing
People staring and making jokes.
I don't remember anybody trying to help.
Just when I was starting to enjoy myself.
It just started out so innocent.
Who would have thought it would have gone where it went?
My world became a blur.
We were just two girls dancing at a club.
Trying to have some fun.
I called my mom to come and rescue us.
I hope she will never know how much she did for us.
I was scared that they would follow.
Was afraid to be alone.
I remember his furry face, his roaming hands.
Will never forget the most painful feeling ever felt.
Doding his kisses, smelling his smoke.
Why couldn't I see it coming...why didn't anybody try to help??
Maybe because it started out so innocent?
Just two girls dancing at a club...
Until two "men" made it impossible to have fun.
"Dance Club" is unfortunatly based on a true story. One of my friends and I were at a club for about an hour when these two guys came up to us. I was flattered that they wanted to dance with us, so we did.
But after about 5 minutes they wanted to do a lot more than dance...You can figure it out. :(
"When you looked the other way"
I thought you cared, but you weren't there
You didn't do anything to save me.
My heart was bruised, when I saw you
Look the other way.
Hey, where were you? I was your little baby.
I thought that you'd protect me.
I cried for you to come and rescue me.
But insted you looked the other way.
You left me. To lie by myself, scared in my bed
Where I cried and bled.
Where were you mom?
Again, this poem is based on a true story. You see, my nextdoor neighboor, who was 18 would take me behind a house in my backyard and try to have sex with me. He never actually did, but it scared the sh** out of me. I was only 10 and didn't want anything to do with sex. But he did!
This happened about 3-4 times, and I couldn't believe that my mother didn't know about it. I thought at the time she knew what was going on...but I just recently found out that she never knew. So all these years I thought she had just "Looked the other way" when in fact, she just never looked. Not entirely her fault. I should have told her, but I didn't. At least the neighboor who wanted to...you know, moved away.
If you read my 2nd entry in my online journal, you know about the other guy from when I was 12. All together I've been sexualy abused by 4 guys. I don't know why! I never flirted with them, I never suggested anything, hell the first time it happened I didn't even know what he was doing!!
I've come to the conclusion that maybe I just attrack perverts...maybe. :(
"Mixed Signals"
Violent laughter
Forceful eyes
Arms pressing down upon me
Headaches and blackouts
Stomach pains and dizziness
Confusion
A misunderstanding maybe...
A mixed up signal lost forever
Burning eyes, swollen lips
A blank stare and emptiness
Again, another poem inspired by the feeling I felt after my neighboor did what he did to me. Basically I was just shocked, then crying my eyes out and feeling numb.
The next two poems were inspired by my dad leaving me when I was 5 months old. I didn't speak to him until November of 2000. I had been looking for him for years and finally, on my 15th birthday, I typed his name into "search" on the Internet...and wouldn't you know, my daddy's a writter too.
It took me a few months to work up the courage to call him. He's not a famous writter, he just has a few books that he published himself. That's how I found him. I ordered one of his books and then got his home telephone number, called him up and said, this is Becky...
He was like, "Who?" And then when he figured out that I was his DAUGHTER Becky, his first question was, "So...how old are you now?" GRRRR to dead beat dad's.
"Forget you 2000"
As I flip through my handful of photographs that I have of you...
My only record of you
I wonder why you left
I mean, it couldn't have been something I said, because I was only 5 months old.
You better have a good excuse
Nothing less than death
Ooh, dead beat dad
Selfish dad
Ooh, my worthless dad
I don't have to meet you
To know that I hate you
You never tried
So f*** you, f*** you dad
Just know that you're going to burn in hell for what you did
And what you didn't do
Forget you, forget you dad
I'm glad sometimes that I can't remember you
Those thoughts would make me sick
I hope I'm your biggest disappointment,
Because that's exactly how you made me feel
I hope it was worth it
Dad
To abandon us, to leave us
Why did you have to take your anger or whatever it was, out on us?
You never tried
So f*** you, f*** you dad
Just know that you're gonna burn in hell for what you did
and what you didn't do
Forget you, forget you dad
Why can't I forget you, like you did me
Why can't I get over it, you abandoned me
I never met you, but I hate you, you hurt me
So f*** you, f*** you dad
Forget you, just forget you dad
Ok, that was a little harsh, but it was how I was feeling. I wrote that a few months before I found him on the Internet...and my feelings and opinions haven't changed really. I'd just like to add, "Thanks for the sperm dad...without it, I wouldn't be here."
"Hey Dad"
Hey dad
You know you left me when I was just a baby? You left me...
You weren't there when grandpa died.
You never taught me how to ride a bike
You never took me for a walk
You were never around to teach me, protect me, or love me
You were never there at all
Growing up I told myself that you just forgot me
Or that maybe you had died.
I know you were getting old
I didn't want money or toys from you when I was younger.
Just to hear your voice
And maybe a hug and a kiss.
Sorry, I've always been a greedy, greedy bitch.
Obviously, like I said, about my dad. This one was really painful to write. I cried a lot the first time I read it.
Even though I didn't have my biological father around, my grandpa was there until I was 8.
He tought me how to ride a bike, and always took me for walks, he protected me, loved me, and was there for me.
But then in 1994, he commited suicide. It was very painful. I felt like he was my dad, and losing him will always be one of the most painful things that I have ever felt.
I miss you grandpa...
Ok, one more poem for now inspired by my real dad...
"Untitled"
Leaving me when I was just a baby
I wonder if it was hard for you
Wonder if you know what it did to me
Wanna know why you left
Why you never even called
Is it all true?
People who knew you siad I was better off
not ever knowing you
I'm so ashamed of myself
I wasn't even good enough for you
My own father
I don't ever want to see you now
It hurts, but all I can do is hope you thought about me
EVERY day. I hope I tourtured you and made you life miserable
Like you did mine
Happy little girl ain't I? Ok that's enough poems for now. I'll put more up soon.
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Last updated on March 3, 2001
All poems on this page were written by me. Please do not take them without my permission first. Thanks :)
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