Look To The Stars--Chapter 6

Britney's arrogant words echoed in my head and I remembered the grin on her face as she watched JC lose control. I couldn't even begin to imagine the joy she was getting from pushing Kat out of my life.

"I said, it feels damn good."

I looked at the dented and bloodstained wall. My hand was throbbing and the aspirin did nothing for it. The pain in my hand was the last thing I cared about.

My body was tired and the anger had finally left. I was too exhausted to feel anything. I wasn't sure how many times I had run around the venue but I didn't care. My body couldn't even support my own weight. I stretched out on my bunk and let my body relax. I quickly fell asleep.

Even my dreams weren't safe from the pain I felt. Britney and Kat were still there. I always believed that dreams did reveal someone's deepest and TRUTHFUL feelings. And considering that, this dream scared me.
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All my fears and insecurities were faced. I had to look Kat in the eye and tell her I lied and I had to admit I was wrong. She was about to let me back in her life when the same guy she had run away with in the previous dream appeared. Britney also appeared.

"Silly Kat...you think he really wants you back? You've only proved how weak you really are," Britney mocked. Kat's eyes showed the deep hatred she felt.

"I was NOT going to take him back. I was letting him see what it FEELS like to be ME."

"You realize this is all a big scam. He really doesn't care. He wants to hurt you and make you look like a fool. The best thing to do is walk away." The man spoke.

"NO! That's NOT TRUE! Kat, I NEED you. Don't walk away, please...I LOVE YOU more than LIFE itself. Don't leave me! Please!"

"How does it feel, Justin? How does it feel to know that to me, you DON'T EXIST? And to know I DON'T CARE. You just told me how much you cared but I'm going to WALK AWAY anyway. So, tell me. HOW DOES IT FEEL?"

"He is LYING. Britney is LYING. Don't believe them. Where is the faith you had in me? What happened?"

"I don't know...you tell me. After all, you've ALWAYS been MORE than willing to walk away from me."

"But I need you...I know that now. I've known it for awhile now but..."

"Oh, you need me huh? Then tell me this, HOW COULD YOU STILL WALK AWAY! YOU CAN'T MAKE THINGS BETTER, it's OVER....it's OVER because of YOU!"

"Don't lose hope...keep fighting them, don't give up on me."

"I lost everything when you looked me in the eye and said you didn't need me to complete you and that...you...didn't...trust...me."

"But I do. I was UPSET! My anger blinded me. Please...I'm so sorry, Kat."

"NO! Sorry isn't going to make things better. You had your last chance and YOU BLEW IT."

"Please...don't leave..."

"Goodbye Justin Timberlake...maybe we'll meet in HELL." She vanished along with the man.

"You still have me, Justin."

"But I don't WANT you and most of all...I DON'T NEED YOU! I NEED Kat..."
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I woke up in a cold sweat. My breathing was quick and unsteady. I felt panicked and I remembered the feeling I had when Kat was on the street. I tried to calm myself and slow my breathing down. I couldn't seem to get enough oxygen in my lungs and I felt the world spinning. It got faster and faster until I finally gained control. I concentrated on breathing slow, deep breaths and finally I was in control.

The bus was dark and I knew the others were asleep. I didn't see why we had to spend the night on our bus instead of in a hotel. Jive was cheap. We would have a hotel room after tomorrow's performance...although, it might have been that day's performance. I got out of my bunk and walked to the back room. I turned on the TV and flipped through channels to try and get my mind off the dream.

It seemed so real. I could still see Kat's face and see the anger shown in her eyes. I had really screwed up this time. Every time we fought Kat never once showed any emotion through her eyes. But in this dream...she showed anger WITH her eyes. Her words hurt enough but her eyes...her eyes made me realize how hopeless this battle was. I couldn't give up though. If I gave up hope now, I would be giving up on her and I knew that would hurt her more. I looked at the clock. It was 3 am. I grabbed a lightweight jacket and sneaked off the bus. I didn't see security anywhere. They were probably asleep on their bus. I ran over to Kat's bus.

I was surprised to find the door unlocked. I was even more surprised when I saw Kat sitting at the table staring down at a newspaper, drinking coffee. I cherished the scene. It was so...normal. She looked up at me but didn't speak. She looked back down at the paper and took a sip of her coffee.

"You guys got a pretty good review. So did we. They said we had potential to be the next Destiny's Child, if we could get out of Nsync's shadow."

"That's good. You guys are really good. You will definitely go far and I will do everything I can to make sure of it."

"Right...I'll believe that one. You'll stand by Britney and if she doesn't support me, you won't either. I've figured it out now. You just can't be your own person, can you? You've ALWAYS let other people control you. I never tried to control you. I never wanted to hold you back. I never forced you into anything, I just stood back and gave you help when you needed it. And this is how you thank me? Giving into her and giving her what she wants. I knew I made it too easy for you...I never made you do ANYTHING for me. I always asked...never demanded. You screwed up, Justin. If you are going to sit there and say 'I'm sorry', save your breath. It's over."

"You are going to give up that easily? You won't even give me a chance to apologize or explain?"

"You can explain...I'll give you that much. Mainly because I promised JC I would. Why are you here anyway? It's 3 in the morning."

"I had a dream..."

"Oh God, not another one of your dreams...Justin, it was your stupid dream that got us to this point."

"I'm going to do everything in my power to make this one AND that one stay a dream."

"Oh, what are you going to do? Lock me in my bus and forbid me to leave?"

"Whatever it takes...I will make this up to you."

"Make what up to me? The pain you've caused? The deep hatred I feel? The way I can't even LOOK at you with out wanting to get sick or break down? You have RUINED EVERYTHING."

"Please...don't yell. You'll just wake up Allison and Maureen and I really don't want them involved."

"Why? Because they'll take MY side."

"I don't care, because...I am on your side."

"Ok...that makes sense. Do you EVER think before you open your mouth?"

"No...not usually. That's why I'm standing here in front of you wanting you to forgive me, NEEDING you to forgive me. I'm asking for a chance...I know I've had so many but I just need to know that I have a CHANCE. I just need one glimmer of hope. Please..."

She looked in my eyes and stood up. She walked over to her bunk. I stood where I was, allowing my eyes to follow her. She picked something up off her bed and walked over to me.

"You see this bear?"

"Yes...I gave him to you...before I left. I bought him at the airport."

"Do you remember what you said when you gave it to me?"

"I will NEVER forget what I said to you that day...never..."

"If you can prove that you mean every word that you said to me then I will give you a chance."

"I didn't think you'd still have it..."

"I never spend a night with out it. You have no idea how much this stupid bear means to me."

"I have an idea, and I'm going to prove it to you. And when I'm done, you won't need the bear...you'll have me."

"Don't get to confident. You have a LOT of work in front of you."

"I know...can I explain some things to you now?"

"If you want. I'm not going to be able to get any sleep."

"Ok..." We sat down at the table and I told her everything. I told her what Britney had said to me and I told her about how I pounded the wall and how I felt when I realized that I was wrong and I should have trusted her all along. I told her I didn't know how to make up for the pain I caused but that I wasn't going to stop until I had her back in my life and I was going to start by getting Britney out of my life. We talked until it was almost 5.

"Just try and get some sleep," I told her. "Performing when you are tired isn't fun and I don't want you to put on a bad show. You WILL leave our shadow and when you do I will support you in EVERY way I can. And I promise NO ONE will keep me from that."

"Good night, Justin." She replied. She picked up the teddy bear from the table and walked towards her bunk.   I walked off her bus and went back to my own. The night was getting lighter but I still had an hour or two of sleeping time. When I got back to my bus, I fell asleep and this time I didn't remember my dream.
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"I can't hear you guys!" Maureen yelled, trying to get the crowd riled up.

"Come on HERSHEY PARK!" Kat joined in. The crowd was screaming and I saw the joy in Kat's eyes. I saw the genuine smile on her face. She was having the time of her life and I had helped her get to where she was. Yeah, Lance was her manager but I was the one who pulled the strings and made everything work out. I had paid for the plane tickets.

"We have a new song we'd like to sing for you guys. Now, this isn't an original song...it's our version of a hit," Allison stated. I didn't know what they were talking about.

"It was the song we sang that got us on this stage. It was one of the songs we sang for our current manager. We haven't done this song live in awhile but we just hope you all enjoy it."

"Justin? Did you know about this?"

"No, I didn't. Do you know what song it is?" I asked.

"No, they did a lot of songs. They had a pretty wide variety of songs on the demo cd."

"This should be interesting." I heard Kat's voice and I listened closely.

I saw the fans singing along with Kat and I saw the tears forming in her eyes. She smiled at the end and laughed to try and cover the pain that was beginning to show. Maureen and Allison could tell Kat was upset and they covered for her.

"Thank you so much Pennsylvania! You guys ready for Nsync??"

The crowd exploded at the mention of our name and the three young girls laughed and smiled.

"Thanks again, and get ready for the time of your life!" Kat yelled and ran off behind Maureen and Allison. The crowd was cheering and I walked back towards were Kat was standing. I saw her wipe her eyes and joke around with Maureen and Allison.

"That song gets me every time," she joked.

"Only because it means something to you. We shouldn't have done that song tonight. Sorry...next time we'll do something different," Maureen said giving Kat a hug.

"No, I wanted to sing that song. I think it got the right reaction. It's a really good song. I just let the meaning get to me. It's stupid really, I mean...I'm supposed to hate him but I can't. I can't hate him because I love him. I love him so much it's scary. I'd stop a bullet for him, even now."

"I know, Kat. Don't worry...he'll make up for everything. He always does."

"I hope you guys are right. I can't keep pretending to hate him. I mean, I am upset with him and everything, don't get me wrong on that...it's just that...I still care too much."

"Don't you know it's better to be hated than indifferent?"

"You make NO sense, Allison."

"Oh, but she does. She means that hating him will give him hope because it means there ARE feelings there. If you just didn't care then he'd be screwed."

"I never thought of it that way."

"So just don't become indifferent. I can tell he's clinging to a tiny amount of hope right now and he's getting the hope from your hatred. Sounds stupid but it's the truth."

I knew I wasn't supposed to have heard that conversation but I did. I was on the verge of breaking down. She still hadn't given up hope...she hadn't given up on me and Maureen and Allison weren't going to let her. The small glimmer of hope was becoming brighter with each minute. I knew I could do this and I was ready to show the world I cared about her and I always would.

"You guys did great," I said.

"Justin! Hey!" Allison said. Kat turned around and gave me a look I couldn't read. I think it was her way of trying to show disapproval but it wasn't there. Her eyes couldn't hate me. They wanted to so bad but there was still love. The hope inside was growing strong.

I noticed she was staring at my eyes and face. She had an ability to see right through me and I didn't try and cover anything up this time. I was hurting and her song had made me realize how horrible I was. Her pain was shown to me and what was supposed to be making her happy was making her cry. Before she sung that song she was having the time of her life but once she started to sing the words, the words that were directed at me she began to lose composure. I had made her raw with pain and she couldn't even hide it when she was on stage, doing what she loved to do.

"Good luck tonight. The crowd is great."

"Thanks, Kat." She smiled and turned to walk away. I noticed something as she walked away. The baby blue bandana I had given her was hanging out of her back pant's pocket. Another sign she wasn't going to give up on me yet.

"Come on, Jus'. We have a tradition to do here!" Chris called out. I walked over to my group mates and we did what we always did before every show. Playing hackey sac was something we had always done but somehow, we still sucked.

Our show went fairly well. There were no major blunders or mistakes. I forgot a couple dance moves but no one seemed to notice...or care. We had an after party to attend. I didn't really like the parties. Sometimes they were fun...but this time, I just wanted to crawl into my bed and sleep. Although, this was an ideal opportunity to start making everything up to Kat.

"Did you watch the show this time?" I asked.

"No...I had to talk to my mom. She says hello and the usual crap."

"You didn't tell her we were having difficulties, did you?"

"Of course not. I'm giving you your chance before I tell my mom, who will tell your dad, who will tell your mom and then you'll get your but kicked by Miss Lynn."

"I have no doubt. Hopefully that won't be a problem."

"Well, I'd start thinking of ways to calm your mom and/or dad down now cause I seriously doubt you are going to make up for this one."

"Are you coming out?"

"No. I'm going to be anti-social for the night. I need to spend time with the members of my band."

"They'll forgive you if you come out to ONE party. Just come to this one and if you don't have fun, I promise you won't have to come to any more. But just trust me, you WANT to come to this one."

"Why?"

"JC and I have a surprise for you."

"Oh good God. JC's in on this too? I'm DEFINITELY staying in tonight."

"I will drag you out and don't doubt it for a second."

"You drag me anywhere and you will lose your CHANCE."

"If you won't come out with me I won't have a chance."

"Fine, I'll go. JC better not do something stupid cause I will hurt him if he..."

"If I what?"

"Nothing, JC, darling, honey. So what's this big surprise?"

"I wouldn't call it big...it might kick your ass if you did that."

"Hayley's here?"

"You gave it away! You suck!"

"But that's not all, is it Justin?"

"Nope. You are right about that, Joshua."

"Hayley's gonna be there though...right?"

"Yes."

"THANK GOD!"

"I don't think she likes us very much, Justin."

"I have no problem with you JC it's just the curly-haired FREAK over there that I have issues with."

"Ok, ok...can we just be CIVIL tonight?"

"Yes daddy," Kat replied and kissed JC's cheek. She ran in front of him to get to the limo. He grabbed the bandan that was hanging out of her back pocket. "Hey! What was that for?"

"What's this?" He asked. I could tell she was hesitant to answer.

"It's a bandana."

"Ok, WHOSE is it?"

"Mine." JC didn't believe her. He looked at me and I nodded.

"Who gave it to you?"

"Justin."

"And you haven't burned it yet?"

"Nope...it's still early and I'm SURE I can find a lighter lying around at this party. A lot of these people smoke, maybe I'll bum a cigarette off them while I'm at it."

"Kat! I swear if I catch you with a cigarette in your mouth I will..."

"What? What will you do, Justin? You forget, I don't care what you think of me anymore."

"Kat, don't smoke. You want to end your career before it even starts."

"I don't see the big deal, I mean Britney smokes, right Justin? Oh wait...that's right, she was on your lap and you were sharing it...how cute!"

"That was a RUMOR, Kat, and you know it!"

"Still...very romantic."

"ENOUGH!" JC yelled. "You two are ridiculous! PLEASE, just GROW UP and act civil. It's not going to kill either one of you...please..."

"I'll behave," Kat stated.

I didn't say anything. I was trying my hardest to keep myself from breaking down. I had often joked around with Kat but this time she was TRYING to hurt me. She was trying to make me upset. She was trying to turn me into a monster so she would feel better about acting the way she was. I could tell it was hurting her to be upset with me. She got in the limo and I grabbed JC's arm.

"We need to do this tonight. I can't stand seeing her like this."

"That's fine. We can speed things up if you need."

"Thank you, Jace. I owe you one for this."

"Maybe you do but I'd do anything to keep you two together. You know that."

"I know. When am I going to make the statement?"

"Next press conference. Don't worry. I'll have it all taken care of. I'll talk to Johnny and everything."

"Are you sure I shouldn't talk to him?"

"No, you'll get upset and emotional. You have to remember he works for her, too."

"Oh...yeah..."

"This is going to work. Now let's go. I need to see Hayley."

We entered the limo. And I thought about JC's relationship with Hayley. I laughed to myself when I thought of how much desperation I had seen in JC's eyes. He needed to see Hayley. He had been away from her for two days and he couldn't stand it. I knew this was going to be a long tour if Hayley couldn't be around. She had just taken her last finals and was ready to have a summer she would never forget. Hayley was supposed to be spending the weekend with her family but because of the fight I had with Kat, JC had convinced her to spend Memorial Day Weekend with us.

When we arrived at the party, JC practically jumped out of the car. He waved to a couple fans and ran inside the building. Kat was right behind him and I did my best to keep up with the two. I saw Hayley talking to Wade Robson, our choreographer, and I saw her eyes light up when she turned around to see JC.

"Hayley!" He called.

"Jace," She replied. She walked away from Wade and JC embraced her. I could see Kat's eyes drawn to the scene and I saw how much she wanted something like what they shared. She had it though, all she had to do was say the words and I would be there for her. When JC and Hayley finally pulled apart, Hayley quickly found Kat's arms.

I saw the tear roll down Kat's cheek as she held Hayley close to her. Hayley was all Kat had left. At least, that's what she thought. Hayley and Kat ran off and found a table to sit at. I could see them talking back and forth. Each one was interested in what the other had to say and they really cared about each other. They looked like to sisters that had been seperated for many years.

"Look at them. You would think they hadn't seen each other in years," I commented.

"I know that feeling," JC replied.

"You really love her."

"I didn't know it was possible to feel this way about anyone. I can't even begin to explain it."

"I know. I just wish I didn't have to be afraid of it."

"Afraid of what?"

"Love."

"It's a scary thing. You already had it though. You had it with Kat."

"But I didn't know I had it."

"Now you know. And now you will do everything you can to get it back....and when you do get it back it will be so much stronger."

"What doesn't kill me just makes me tougher, right?"

"You are catching on quick. Now, let's get this party started..."
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