Look To The Stars--Chapter 5

I finally calmed down enough from talking to Justin and then JC and I left the back room. I walked up to the kitchen to get a bottle of water. Maureen and Allison were still talking and laughing. I envied them. I envied their happiness. They had led simple lives. Never once did they feel the pain I was feeling at that moment. My world had crashed around me and I had begged and tried to make it right but it didn't matter. He did what he always did, he walked away.

"You know that this is the best publicity we could get. I think it was a good idea," I heard Allison say. I took a bottle of water and walked away.

"Kat?" Maureen asked. I turned around and looked at her. I didn't say a word. "Are you ok?"

"No," I replied and walked away. I locked myself in the back room. I heard Allison and Maureen knocking and begging me to unlock the door. The said they were worried. They wanted to help. There was nothing they could do. They weren't Justin and they didn't break my heart and they didn't walk away from me. I finally grew tired of their constant pestering so I opened the door.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"To talk to you. You seem really upset and between the way you blew up at us earlier and now you are sulking around like you've lost all hope...it's just...we're worried." Maureen stated.

"It's nice to know you guys' care but you can't help me. This is something I need to work out myself. If I need you, I'll come to you."

"But you won't. You have too much pride to admit when you need help. You will bury all this deep down inside until it will eat you alive. Don't do this, we are just getting started. Think about how great things could be. We are living our dream."

"You two might be, but my dream has been shattered. All I ever cared about has walked away for good. Things are just getting started and I've already ruined it. All because of my need to protect him. That's what I was doing. I was trying to protect him. PROTECT HIM, and he accuses me of trying to hurt him. He should know I would NEVER hurt him. I CAN'T hurt him because I loved him....I loved him with ALL I had. He never cared, he could always walk away. Despite everything, I still loved him. Yeah, there were times that he didn't realize just HOW upset I was and he blew me off but there were times when he saved my life. I lied when I said there weren't any good times and that he ruined anything with the potential to be good. For once, words left my mouth that I didn't mean. Anger got the best of me and I hurt him but no more than he hurt me. He doesn't trust me...when yesterday I would have put my life on the line to save his and I would have put my life in his hands with out a doubt but now...he doesn't even trust me. He believed HER over me. He BELIEVED HER, not ME. I feel like I've wasted SO much on HIM and now...it's over...it's OVER."

I wasn't sure if Maureen or Allison would know what I was talking about. I didn't care though, JC knew everything and if anyone could talk Justin into seeing he was wrong, it was JC. I heard a male voice come onto the bus. I saw JC walk towards me and he picked me up and held me in his arms.

"I'm so sorry, Kat. I'm so sorry. I wish I could make the pain go away," he whispered. "Hayley will be here soon and she's going to stay with us for awhile. I just got off the phone with her. Together, we will make it better. Justin already knows he's made a mistake. You should have seen it, Kat. The anger in his eyes as he pounded the wall. He mangled his cell phone and now...he knows the truth."

"But...how...I thought she taped the conversation. He already knew the truth...or her twisted version of it."

"Maureen, Allison. Do you mind? I want to talk to Hayley alone."

"Not a problem," Allison replied. She closed the door behind her and JC wiped away a tear that had fallen from my eye.

"Britney lied about taping it. It was a trick, so you would tell Justin the truth. It was a trap and you walked right into it. But if I remember correctly and from the way Justin was talking, you already admitted to agreeing to the plan before he ever mentioned the taping, right?"

"I brought the whole thing up. I told him about her plan to get me out of his life. I TOLD HIM. I didn't hold back anything, I knew that he could have been upset with me for it but I knew if I lied I'd only bury myself deeper and he would never believe me later on."

"Good, you spoke the truth from the beginning. Did you lie to him at all?"

"I didn't say that I agreed to the plan but I did say that I didn't agree WITH it, but I never lied about if I was going to go through with it."

"You said some misleading words, though."

"But if he had LISTENED and thought about it, they wouldn't have been. And when he asked I told him I did agree but only because I was trying to protect him."

"Ok. Well, after Justin got back from your bus I was on the phone with Britney. I answered Justin's cell phone and after he got off the phone he KIRKED out. He threw his cell phone up against the wall and then stepped on it and was cursing and beating the wall with his fist. He kept yelling "How could she do this to me?". It was horrible. I tried to hold him back but he broke free...Luckily Lonnie was there and he held Justin back. Make a long story short, we have a nice dent in one of our walls and Justin may have a broken hand."

"Was he talking about me or her?"

"I think her...or maybe you. I don't know. All I know is Britney said something that really upset him. He was yelling when he was on the phone with her. He wouldn't tell me what made him so upset. We just got back from running laps around the venue because Justin had WAY too much built up anger. He might still be running for all I know. I left him with Lonnie because I was too tired. All I got from the conversation when he was on the phone was something about walking away and it being over and not seeing something. I couldn't understand everything because I was doing my best to not eavesdrop."

"Oh..." I replied.

"When he got back from the first aid center I wouldn't talk to him. I was so upset he could put you through that kind of pain. You know? I was also upset because he believed Britney and not you. I have never really gotten along with her and I'm SICK of hearing about her. Johnny came on the bus and was giving Justin a lecture and he got really upset. Johnny said something about Britney and Justin got really upset. He said it wasn't about Britney and he went on to talk about how he left you and that you were begging him to stay and trust you but he didn't, and he walked away for the last time. And then my cell phone rang. Britney called MY cell phone. She was worried because Justin wasn't picking his up."

"He wrecked it that bad?"

"Oh yes...it was bad. I've never seen him that upset before. Anyway, I was talking to her and trying to tell her that Justin couldn't come to the phone. She wouldn't accept that and I told her he broke his cell phone and that he was at the first aid center because he decided the wall would like a beating. She then said something about coming on tour with us, to "visit" and I was about to threaten her but I stopped because everyone was staring at me. I then said something about her taping conversations and she told me that she really didn't and it was just a ploy to make you admit to what you did. Then I asked her how it felt to ruin your life and she said, 'It feels damn good.'. I asked her to repeat it and I held the phone up to Justin's ear and he got really upset. She dug her own grave this time. It's over between them."

"I can't forgive him. I told him I wouldn't and I'm not going to back down of my word. He needs to learn his lesson. He wasn't that great of a friend, anyway."

"How can you say that?"

"It's easy. I told him everything, I would beg him not to go and he would walk away anyway. He would blow me off. JC, he hung up on me when I was on the street with NOWHERE to go. He didn't even remember when my father THREATENED me."

"Sometimes he's selfish but if you could have seen the way he looked when he realized what he had done...you'd think differently. He knows he's screwed up and he feels bad about it. He didn't want to hurt you. He never meant to hurt you, but he let his anger get the best of him. You have to understand that Britney is extremely manipulative."

"It's not that...I mean, yeah that hurt. But...some of the things he said, I can never forgive him for. He called me a liar...this is the guy I would have trusted with my life and he would do the same but he believed her over me."

"He was upset, you can't believe those words."

"You weren't there. He KNEW what he was doing. He KNEW he was taking away my life when he walked out that door. He...he...said he didn't care. Do you know how we used to say we completed each other? And how we felt we walked around with the other's heart because it was safe?"

"Yeah..."

"He said...it wasn't true. He said Britney had "all" of him since day 1. He had taken the gift back a long time ago...and that all the times he said he needed me to complete him was a lie. It was a test of Britney's love for him. By saying these things, it made Britney have to PROVE that she loved him and that even if she would never have "all" of him that she would still love him. But the whole plan went against that. She was ready to walk away if she 'lost'."

"He didn't mean that and you KNOW that. You STILL have his heart and you ALWAYS will. He's an idiot for thinking he could walk away from you because he can't. He can't live with out you. You didn't see the way his eyes lit up when your name was mentioned or the way he would anxiously wait for a few minutes of free time so he could call you. You didn't see the look in his eyes and the joy on his face when he got a letter from you. You didn't see the pain he felt when you were having trouble. He may not have written much to help you, but Kat, you were in his prayers. You were in his dreams...He didn't write about it because he wanted you to think of happier things. He HATED it when you were upset. The day he hung up on you, he was CRYING when he hung up the phone. He hung up because HE was losing control and he didn't want you to know he was. Five minutes later, Justin's dad found you...right?"

"Yeah...that was a miracle."

"No, it really wasn't. Justin called his dad and told him what was wrong. He said not to let you know he had called because he didn't want you to know HOW upset he was. If you ask Justin's dad about that day, he will tell you everything. He had never heard his son so upset before. To this day, it was probably one of Justin's worst moments. When you were asleep, Justin got a call saying you were safe in his bed. But those 30 minutes of time was the hardest 30 minutes of his life. He didn't know if you were going to be ok. We couldn't do anything. He was pacing and panicking like the world was going to end if you weren't ok. It was that day that I KNEW he loved you. He was afraid to admit it but he LOVED you with his body, heart, and soul. Are you going to give up on him because he didn't trust you once?"

"You weren't there. You didn't hear the anger in his voice. He made me feel like I was the scum of the earth and no matter how hard I tried I would never be more than dirt in his eyes. I stood there and BEGGED him to stay, and BEGGED him to TRUST me and he said no and stormed out. He KNEW if he walked out the door it would be the last time he walked away from me. I TOLD him it would be, but he said he didn't care and walked away. I told him I loved him and he didn't care. He didn't even let me explain everything. He just put our nineteen years of friendship aside and the way he looked at me...It was like he didn't even know me. He was so disgusted. His face...his eyes...I can't get the image out of my head! When I see Justin, that is the Justin I see. Not the Justin that made me laugh and would take me in his arms and make the pain go away. He's the only person that can make this better and I'm afraid...I'm afraid to let him back in my life. He's hurt me soo much already, he'll just do the same thing again. TRUST was the basis of our friendship and now it's not there. It's NOT THERE."

"I can't make you take him back but please, just listen to him when he does."

"WHY? WHY SHOULD I? He didn't listen to me!"

"Do you want to bring yourself to his level? Kat, be the bigger person and let him EXPLAIN. Maybe, he'll listen to you this time. Just...try and listen."

"Why? Why does this matter to you?"

"Because you are both my friends. I hate seeing you guys fight and I know that this isn't how things are supposed to be. Justin with out you isn't right and you with out Justin isn't right either. He was lying when he said he didn't need you to complete him, because you do. He's walking around right now like someone has taken his heart. YOU have it. Do the right thing and listen to him."

"I may have his heart, but he broke mine. He can't fix that."

"You'll never know if you don't let him. Just let him into your life again. This is NOT worth it. Even if things are over between him and Britney, she still will have won. She wanted you two apart and you guys are DEFINITELY apart right now and until you are back together life is going to be miserable."

"I can't forgive him this time. He's screwed up BIG TIME. He's never hurt me this bad before. I can't let him make everything better. Sorry isn't going to cut it this time. He's destroyed my soul. He's made me feel like I wasn't worth anything and I would always be that way to him. I've always cared about how he's looked at me and he KNOWS that. He KNOWS that if he doesn't approve of me I won't approve of myself. He does complete me but now it makes me feel sick to know that such an ASS completes me."

"He made some bad judgment calls and some mistakes. He's human and is NOT perfect. At least give him a chance to explain, that's all I ask. You don't have to forgive him but at least listen to what he has to say."

"I'll listen...but beyond that I can't make any promises."

"That's fine. Ok, I'm going to let you think about this by yourself. Thank you for listening to me."

"Thanks for helping him see the truth, JC."

"I owe you that much." He kissed my cheek and walked out. I watched him leave and I thought back to what he had said.

A chance...that wasn't much to ask for. Listening was something I could do, as long as the words weren't hurtful. I knew that Justin would probably try and come back and I knew I'd take him back. But that was something I didn't want to do. I wanted to let him be miserable and feel the pain I had felt. I wanted him to bare his soul so I could walk away. Revenge was not something I was fond of but this time was different. Justin had crushed ME. There was nothing left. I had nothing to look forward to. I had no hope, I had no dreams...I had NOTHING. He knew that all I had that meant something was him and he didn't care. He was ready to walk away from it because of Britney.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Justin didn't know what Britney had said to me on the phone that day. He didn't know that I had no choice. I wished Britney HAD taped it because it would have been her downfall if the truth got out. Justin knew that she was happy with pushing me out of his life. Now I had to find a way to let myself listen with out taking him back. I couldn't take him back...I had to try and live with out him.

JC was right though. We did complete each other and we needed each other. But how could I forgive someone who had put me through so much pain. I didn't know what to believe anymore. JC's words of how Justin felt about me were running through my head. But along with that were Justin's spiteful words when he left me. The image of him was so confused. I could see the way he looked at me in the rain, when all the love was showing through his eyes but minutes later he looked at me as if I was the foulest person on the earth. He didn't know me...at least his eyes said he didn't.

Maybe he didn't. He didn't seem to remember anything important. If he did, he denied knowing it. I did know that Justin had a selective memory. He would block out painful events in his life so he would be able to trust and live again. Maybe he had blocked out the memory of me being on the street, maybe he had blocked out the fact that my father had threatened to hurt me, physically.

What scared me the most, was the fact that if he did remember and if what JC had said was true, Justin would have been the best friend he could have been...and I was thinking about not letting him back in my life.
              ______________________________________________________________________

"I have nowhere to go."

"How am I supposed to help you?"

"I don't know. I'm scared Justin. For once, I DON'T KNOW what I'm going to do. I'm on the STREET with NOWHERE to go."

"I can't talk now. It will work out." I hung up my phone before she could reply. My hand was shaking and I was ready to lose control. A few seconds later, I did. I was standing in the studio and I didn't know what to do. Kat was alone, she was on the street...and I had hung up on her. I didn't know what to do. I could barely breathe, I was becoming more and more upset. I felt SO helpless. JC tried to calm me down but it wasn't working. He didn't know what was wrong. When I finally caught my breath, I told him.

"Kat is on the street, her father threatened her and she ran away. She has nowhere to go and I just hung up on her. I couldn't let her know how upset I was. I couldn't let her know I didn't know how to help her and I couldn't let her see how I was losing control. I just couldn't...it would have made it worse. It wouldn't have solved anything. I would have just upset her more. I need to call dad...he can help. He'll take her in."

I took out my cell phone and called my father's house. The phone rang and rang and rang. "Come on pick up...please, Dad...I need you now more than ever."

"Hello?"

"Dad?"

"Justin? Do you know what time it is? What's wrong?"

"Kat...she's...oh God...I'm the worst friend..."

"Justin, you are scaring me. Please, breathe and calm down. Take DEEP breaths. Relax."

"She's on the street dad. Her dad threatened her and she ran away. She's somewhere in Memphis. I don't know where, I hung up on her before she could tell me. I couldn't let her hear the pain and fear in my voice. I would have made it worse. I would have upset her more. WHAT TYPE OF FRIEND AM I?"

"A good one...you couldn't help her. You're in Germany. I'll go find her and I'll call you when I do. Just try and relax and calm down. You are really upset right now and you didn't do the wrong thing. You would have upset her more if you couldn't be strong for her. She was looking for you to tell her everything would be ok, but you couldn't do that because she wouldn't have believed you. Just calm down, Justin. I'll get her home."

"Thanks Dad and don't tell her I sent you out. I don't want her to know how I'm acting right now. I need her to think I'm strong for her."

"I won't mention it. Now, try and relax, Bye Justin." I heard the phone click and I broke down. I didn't know what to do. My father was going to try and find her, but what if he couldn't? What if it was too late? What if she had been hurt? I couldn't deal with it. My whole body was shaking and I felt so strange...I was having a panic attack. I had never experienced one before, I couldn't breath and all I could think of was her. Her pain, her fear and her voice. I had never heard her sound that way before. She was so upset. She was afraid for her life and I had hung up on her. I had my dad out looking for her but I wasn't sure if he would find her.

"Oh God, let her be ok...I can't lose her. I can't. I...I lo.." The room went black. I had passed out. When I woke up JC was sitting next to me and I was lying down on the couch in the studio. Lou Pearlman entered.

"He can't go to the hospital. He has a lot to work on here. He'll be fine," Lou said.

"Are you INSANE? He just PASSED OUT, he couldn't breathe. I will take him to the hospital."

"You take him anywhere and you will all be back to where you started, at the bottom singing in restaurants. Do not test me, JC."

"This is...is...UGH!"

"Did my dad call?" I asked. JC immediately came to my side.

"Not yet, buddy. He'll call soon. She'll be ok. Everything is going to be ok."

"No, it's not. If anything happened to her it's going to be MY fault. I will have killed her by not caring. I should have kept on talking to her. I just...I couldn't. The words weren't coming. I was so scared for her. I was so panicked, I was so upset. I can't keep lying down. I need to get up and do something. How long was I down?"

"A couple minutes, tops. It wasn't very long. You need to sit still, you are going to make this worse."

I ignored JC and stood up. I was pacing around the room, tears flowing down my cheeks. I was almost 16 and I was crying like a 5 year old. I could only think the worst. I was waiting for my father to call and say he couldn't find her and say we had lost her...forever. I couldn't think positively. With out Kat, I had nothing. I had nothing worth fighting for. I had nothing TO fight for. She was so important to me.

"I can't believe I let her down. I've screwed up. She'll never forgive me for this. I can't lose her. I can't. There is nothing with out her. I NEED her. WHY? WHY does HER life have to be so HARD? WHAT DID SHE DO? She's done nothing but love me and be there for me even when I turned my back...she never lost hope, but her voice...she had lost hope. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?" I continued my ranting as I paced the room. Words were coming out of my mouth and feelings were being realized I never knew I had. "The ONE person I honestly LOVE and she's on the STREET with no HOPE, she has NOTHING left. She's given up on life...and worst of all, on me. I threw it all away when I hung up the phone. I was all she had left and I didn't listen to her. HOW COULD I DO THIS TO HER? I LOVE HER, WHY DO I HAVE TO ACT LIKE I DON'T CARE. All I can do IS CARE, but I act like I don't. WHY IS THIS SO HARD?"

"Please God...don't let me lose her. I have nothing with out her. Don't take her away from me, I need her. I need to love her...I need her to love me." I closed my eyes and fell to my knees. I continued to pray until my phone rang. I quickly answered.

"Hello?"

"She's in your bed, sleeping safe and sound."

"She's ok?"

"She's had a rough night, but she's safe now. She might not have made it if you didn't call me though."

"I...I saved her?"

"I think you did. Now, I want you to calm down and I'll have her call you in the morning."

"Thank you so much, Dad. I don't know what I would have done with out her."

"Let's not think about that. She's probably going to stay here for a while. It's not safe for her to be at home."

"Thanks again."

"Anything for you. Goodnight Justin."

"Bye Dad."

I hung up my phone and I thanked God for keeping her with me. She had been saved. My dad had saved her. Maybe, just maybe, I did the right thing by hanging up. I still had turned away from her when she needed me most but I had also saved her. I promised myself I would never let her know of the pain I felt that day and that I would try to block the day from my memory. I didn't want to have to relive the pain ever again.
         _____________________________________________________________________________

I had done well with my promise. I had blocked the day from my memory, until Kat brought it up again. Now it was all I could think about. But the pain I felt now was nowhere near what I had felt then. This time I had really given up hope. I had heard that same pain in her voice when I walked away and now I had lost her forever. But she was still here, but my selfish attitude had screwed everything up. I had ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. I had hurt the one I love and nothing could make that better. It was over. She had warned me and I had still walked away. She declared her love and I still walked away. She asked me to trust her and I said no.

Nothing was worth living for. I had a performance in a day and I didn't even want to do it. We were in Pennsylvania at Hershey Park and normally I would have been the first one to demand to go to the park. I would have pulled some strings and we'd be there after hours running around like we didn't have a care in the world. But now, I wanted to do nothing. I wanted to sit and feel sorry for myself. I had ruined the best thing I had. The one thing that had always been there for me. I never asked her to be there, she just was. No matter how bad things got, she would be there pushing me to do better and making me believe in myself. She taught me so much about myself. I didn't know who I was until she opened my eyes. She had pushed me to reach for the stars and even though when I moved to Florida she didn't support me 100%, I knew that it was only because she didn't know how to live with out me. I didn't know how to live with out her either. I did my best in Florida. I made friends on the show and lived my dream.

One thing had always been missing in my dreams....Kat.   She was always so important to me and every time I heard her name or heard her voice I knew everything would be ok. She had this soothing power over me and as much as I wanted to deny it, I loved her. I had always told people she was like a sister, she was a friend, nothing will ever happen, etc...but I never thought I'd start to believe my lies. Kat was right...how could she put her trust in me if I couldn't even trust myself? Maybe if we hadn't argued right before Britney called I would have believed Kat. I SHOULD have trusted Kat.

Thinking back to everything, Kat had been open about it from the beginning. She told me about the plan. She didn't know I knew about it. She didn't know that Britney had just told me the same thing. Only that it was Kat's idea, in Britney's version. Or at least that's the way it sounded. Britney had made the plan but it was Kat's jealousy that caused the whole thing...according to Britney. According to Kat, she was afraid she'd lose me. She thought that Britney was coming between us and she was. I had pushed Kat away because I was worried about how Britney would react to the closeness Kat and I had together.

Britney knew well that I would believe Kat and take her word over Britney's so this had to be a very well thought out plan. I also knew, deep down, that Kat would never try to hurt me and I also knew she was NOT a selfish person. If she said she did something to protect me, she did it to protect me. I knew that when I was involved, Kat forgot all about herself. She wanted the best for ME.

The plan...I thought long and hard to try and make sense of it. But slowly, the pieces fell into place.   Britney had made one mistake when she told me about the plan. If the timeline was right, the phone call that caused the "plan" took place immediately after Britney wanted me to choose between her and Kat. I felt like an idiot for not listening to Kat and not thinking before acting.

All I needed was a minute to explain...and I needed all the help I could get. I could go to her and tell her everything and put myself in a vulnerable position and hope she would take me back. After all I had put her through I wouldn't blame her if she walked away, but I saw a glimmer of hope. I HAD to fight for her. If I didn't I would be giving up nineteen years of friendship and I wasn't going to walk away from that. I had walked away from too much, I couldn't walk away from her...it was in her hands now....
           ____________________________________________________________________________