Look To The Stars--Chapter 4

When I finally woke up I saw my CD player on the floor next to my journal. The journal was open to the day's entry. I rubbed my eyes and tried to think back to when I had fallen asleep. I didn't remember leaving my journal out, lying open like that and I remembered falling asleep to the soft music.

I stormed out of the back room and saw Allison and Maureen sitting at the table talking and laughing.

"You had NO right!" I screamed. Allison and Maureen were taken by surprise. They both looked up at me and they had confused expressions on their face.

"What are you talking about?" Allison asked.

"That is MY PERSONAL journal!! You have no right to go through MY things! You invaded MY privacy. I knew you guys were nosey but THAT was LOW...even for you two."

"What are you talking about? We didn't touch anything. We stayed up here because you looked really upset. I don't know what your talking about. Justin is the only person that has been back there."

"Justin?" I asked.

"Yeah, he came on looking for you. He left quickly and he looked upset. We figured you chewed him out or something."

"He must have come when I was sleeping...how long did he stay back there?"

"I'm not sure. It was at least a couple minutes." With that I ran off the bus. I ran to Justin's bus and JC stopped me when he saw the fire in my eyes.

"Whoa, calm down Kat. What's wrong?"

"Where is Justin?"

"Sleeping in his bunk...how about you calm down before you talk to him."

"JC...I don't want to hurt you or get you upset so just let me talk to him before I take it all out on you." JC stepped aside. It wasn't his place and he knew he couldn't calm me down. Justin was behind this anger and he had no clue how to calm me down. Justin had always done that.

"You LITTLE SHIT!" I yelled when I got to Justin's bunk. He immediately woke up and his eyes were confused. "Can't you STAY OUT OF MY LIFE?"

"Uh..."

"Don't play innocent with me this time! You've CROSSED THE LINE. You push me away, you break my heart and NOW...NOW...you've invaded my PRIVACY!"

"Kat, calm down...please...can we talk about this, rationally?"

"NO! I'm not going to calm down! You READ MY JOURNAL! You know I don't let ANYONE read that! EVEN YOU. You've screwed up my life enough. Now I can't even trust you. How are you going to fix things if I can't even trust you?"

"Who said I was going to fix things?"

"Oh, so you are perfectly FINE with the way things are. You are FINE with the fact that you've pushed me away? Well, Britney must mean a lot to you considering you are RUINING our FRIENDSHIP for her. I mean, I knew you cared about her but this...this...is shocking. Considering you started the whole thing as a PUBLICITY STUNT! Didn't think I knew that, huh? JC has a big mouth, buddy. He told me ALL about that argument he had with her in the store. That's what hurts the most, Justin. You would chose someone who has NO respect for your friends over me. Britney and I are supposedly friends but the more I think about it the more I realize exactly what she's doing. She's not an idiot. She has always known I was the key to your heart. If you stay on my good side, you'll stay on Justin's. It's not that hard to figure out. She's played me just like she's played you. She wants us to be apart because she KNOWS that I'm what is standing in the way. I am the reason that you guys aren't living the fairytale life. I am in the way. Let me guess, she's probably said that I'm trying to push the two of you apart, right? RIGHT?"

"Yes."

"Gee, that's a SHOCK. She's not STUPID. As much as I'd like to think she's an AIRHEAD, she puts it on as an act. The girl should win an Oscar for her acting skills. Her whole LIFE has been an ACT. You think I can't see through that? Does she think that I can't see through it? Damn is she wrong on this one. JC and I have ALWAYS been able to see through it. And you know what, you have LIED. You LIED. I trusted you to always tell me the truth, to always be honest, but NO....you LIED. And you lied about the worst thing possible. You lied about the way you felt about me. I always knew...deep down...but I tried SO hard to bury any chance of hope...I didn't want to be let down. I couldn't deal with it. I was constantly being pushed to the edge. But you know that now, because YOU READ MY JOURNAL!"

He didn't respond. I continued my rage. "You are going to sit there and tell me that EVERYTHING is FINE and that your eyes are puffy because of a lack of sleep, right? Not because you've been crying because you realized what you've done. You KNOW what you've done...why do you know? BECAUSE YOU INVADED MY PRIVACY. You went IN my head and read my thoughts. I wrote my soul down on paper and you read it. Now, let me guess, you are going to WALK AWAY like you've done EVERY TIME. I tell you how I feel and you STILL ignore me. DAMN IT JUSTIN! I could hold a gun up to your head and beg you to love me and you still wouldn't! You'd walk away because you KNOW I couldn't do anything to you because...because...I love you."

"Every tear I've EVER shed has been FOR YOU. You don't care though, you've NEVER cared. It's always been about you. It's always been about YOUR dreams, YOUR life...never mine. I gave up SO much for you. I dealt with so much SHIT to be your friend. I was 12 years old and all I heard was 'If Justin was a REAL friend he wouldn't have left' and 'Justin never cared, he didn't like you.'. I was TWELVE YEARS OLD and I had EVERYTHING shattered. YOU were happy in Orlando playing with other kids, making friends and trying your best to be NORMAL but NO, I was stuck up in Tennessee crying myself to sleep because you walked away from me. I knew at 12, you would never care for me. You would spend the rest of your life turning me away but I didn't give up. I kept on trying...I kept saying, 'this time will be different'. But once again, I've been WRONG. YOU have made me wrong and you will continue to make me WRONG. But no...not this time. This time I know it's over. You made your choice. You want to stay with Britney, stay with her but this time you can't have us both. You can't have everything you want and you made your choice when you looked me in the eye and said we couldn't be alone."

"I've had to try and live my life as a lie. When we moved to a different part of Tennessee, I denied knowing you. No one knew WHO my best friend was. Your name was Randy to them...you didn't live in Orlando, you lived in California. You weren't famous to them....you were a normal kid and I wanted to believe that SO bad. I wanted you to be the NORMAL kid I told my friends about. I wanted you to come back to Tennessee and be a kid again. You were 14 years old and you gave it all up. Everything, to follow your dream. I admire you for it...to a degree, but at the same time I hate you for it. My life was a lie because of you. I couldn't let my FRIENDS look through my photo albums because I was afraid they'd recognize you and it would all be over. I didn't trust anyone, except for you...and now...I can't even trust you."

"You can't trust me?"

"NO! Don't you get it? You lied to me! And the worst thing, you started to believe your own lies. I can't trust someone who can't be honest with themself."

"You want honesty? Is that what you want?"

"Yes Justin! It's all I've ever wanted!"

"FINE! The day Britney fought with JC made me sick to my stomach. She stood there and tore my friend apart, the whole time she had a self-satisfied grin on her face. How I went back to her after that is beyond me. I think I was afraid, of what, I'm not sure. I do know that it was that day that I knew HOW much you meant to me. As I ran after JC do you want to know what was going through my head? I was thinking 'I can't lose him because he means too much to me...almost as much as Kat.' You have ALWAYS been important to me. Did JC ever tell you what he said to Britney?"

"No...not all of it."

"He said something, I hadn't remembered it until a little while ago when I thought back to that day. I had blocked it out of my memory because it was a painful day. I was trying to protect myself from the bad side of Britney, I wanted to believe she was the sweet pop star the world made her out to be. Anyway, JC told Britney that she would always be second in my life. Always. He didn't have to say who she'd be second to. I knew, he knew and I have NO doubt that Britney knew. JC did always know how I felt and he always made me think twice but HE was the one WARNING me to stay away from you."

"He never warned you to stay away, he warned you about mixed signals!"

"But that wasn't the way I saw it. Kat, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I WANT...I know what I NEED, but I don't know what I want."

"What do you need?"

"You. I've always needed you. You know that! I may have walked away sometimes but I always come back, right?"

"Maybe you do but the damage has been done. You NEVER think of how I feel! You just look at me and walk away, as if I mean NOTHING to you. You know how to make someone feel worthless Justin. You are a PRO at that!"

"Never once did you really think how YOUR actions would affect me. You did it when you were 11 and you're still doing it at 20. Remember when I walked away from you when you had that dream? Remember how ALONE you felt? How much it HURT that I could WALK AWAY from you? Do you remember that? Of course you do, now...try dealing with pain like that EVERY DAY of your life for NINETEEN YEARS!"

"When did I walk away from you before I was 11?"

"There were little things. When we were in preschool and all the guys thought girls were bad, you walked away from me then. I stood there and watched you go off with your little guy friends and I HEARD you say things. I HEARD you make fun of me and say things. Now, I wouldn't care if you said that because it was 5 year olds talking but STILL, I REMEMBER it. It was the first time I remember feeling pained and confused. You came home that day and wanted me to play with you but I didn't. I couldn't. I was in shock that you had left me. You haven't been a friend through good times and bad. Hell, you don't even know what I've been through, do you? What happened to me when I was 15?"

"You're parents got divorced."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Do you not remember or did I never tell you?"

"I don't know."

"I told you. I wrote it in a letter. I have the letter you sent back after I wrote it. You want to know what you said to me to help me deal with it. It could be worse, Kat. He could have acted on it. That's it. That's all you said. Then you went on to talk about how things were with Nsync and you talked about some stupid thing you and Chris did. You never helped me through that time. One of the most difficult times of my LIFE and you can't even remember it."

"I'm sorry...so much has happened in a short time I don't know much anymore."

"Fine, maybe this will jog your memory. Do you remember when I called you at 2 am. You were in Switzerland or someplace like that working on your album and I was at home. I was scared for my LIFE and you said you couldn't talk. I told you my father threatened to hurt me if I didn't stop seeing one of my closest friends and I had run away from home. I was on the STREET with no where to go and you said 'I'm sorry but I can't talk right now'. And HUNG UP ON ME. I could have been dying at that very moment and you still would have blown me off. I don't even know why I'm fighting to keep you now."

"I don't remember that."

"I love your selective memory, Justin. How about this. How about the day I told you how I felt and how much I cared about you and that you were my LIFE, you were the only thing I had in my life that could make me smile. YOU were the reason I woke up every morning and I loved you. How did you respond to that. 'Do you think Britney would go out with me?'. Do you remember THAT?"

"Yes..."

"Are you proud of that?"

"No."

"Good. You shouldn't be. You've treated me like shit for a long time now and I'm finally going to give up on you. Maybe it could be different if I gave you a chance but I've given you TOO MANY. You were right when you said coming on tour was a bad idea, because it was. I realized just how much of an ASS you are and I'm really sick of crying over you. I don't even know why I called you a friend to begin with. Maybe this is for the better because now I can go on with my life and I can finally be my own person."

"No, please...don't walk away."

I didn't listen to him, I had already made my way down the bus aisle and out into the rain. The rain was coming down hard but I didn't care. I felt Justin grab my arm.

"Please, let's try and work this out. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you but what about the good times?"

"The good times? There were none. Don't you get it? Anything that had the potential to be good was RUINED by YOU."

"That's not true. Please...what about the time I taught you how to ride a bike? That was fun."

"I fell and scrapped my knee. I had a scar for over a year."

"All the times at the pool."

"I almost drowned...that's not my idea of a fun time."

"But I saved you!"

"Yeah, and then you tried to perform CPR and I was AWAKE AND BREATHING."

"You know you liked it," he joked.

"Don't start joking around with me. I'm not going to sit here and take it. That's another thing, your EGO is HUGE. You are not the BEST you know?"

"I know...but if I have this ego and I walk around like this people won't be able to notice I'm wearing a mask to hide my scars...and that I'm afraid to love, afraid to fail...a mast without a sail."

He quoted words from Sting's song Ghost Story and I stopped fighting him. I looked in his eyes and saw something I had never seen before. The amount of love that was coming out of his eyes was amazing. He had NEVER looked at me like that before. He started to sing.

"What is a force that binds the stars? I wore this mask to hide my scars. What is the power that moves the tide? Never could find a place to hide. What moves the earth around the sun? What could I do but run and run and run? Afraid to love, afraid to fail, A mast without a sail. The moon's a fingernail And slowly sinking. Another day begins And now I'm thinking. That this indifference was my invention. When everything I did, Sought your attention. You were my compass star. You were my measure. You were my pirates map, Of buried treasure. If this was all correct, The last thing I'd expect. The prosecution rests, It's time that I confessed.
I must have loved you...I must have loved you..."

He had memorized the words to a song and I knew Justin well enough to know what that meant. When anything had meaning to him he could remember it. The words of the song had affected him, they had gone straight to his soul and the look in his eyes as he softly sang the words brought tears to my eyes. I didn't bother to wipe them away or even stop them. It was raining and my face was already wet.

"Now...let's think of some good times," he stated. He took my hand and lead me to my own bus. He left me to change and he went back to his own bus. When we were both in dry clothes we locked ourselves in the back room of my bus.

"I can't just forgive you," I stated.

"I know."

"You have no idea how much pain you have caused me. You have 19 years of heartache to make up for. I don't think you can pull this one off."

"I'll find a way."

"What are you going to do about Britney?"

"I'm not going to change anything just yet. There is nothing that needs to be changed."

"WHAT? I don't believe this! If you stay with her you will be running away again. She wants you to run to her. That's why she didn't make you chose between us. You are falling RIGHT into her trap. Don't do this! You need to get away from her!"

"How did you know about choosing one of you and what are you talking about?"

"She told me. She told me everything. She wants me out of your life. She called me and told me. She said she was going to do everything she could to keep us apart. She wanted to have this whole plan to find out who you trusted more and when the time's got rough which one of us you would go to and I...I didn't agree with it. She's so jealous of our friendship that she can't see straight."

"So you are going to sit here and tell me that Britney is trying to brainwash me and turn me against you?"

"She already has! That's why I was so upset when you said we couldn't be alone together...it was because of her. She has you wrapped around her finger and you don't even know it."

"Kat, you are going crazy. This is nothing. You must have misunderstood her."

"NO!! I didn't! Don't you get it! She's trying to get me out of the picture because as long as I'm in the picture she won't have ALL of you. She'll always be missing the piece you gave to me."

"No, she won't. You don't have control of me anymore. You haven't for awhile. Britney has had "all" of me since day 1. She just thinks she doesn't. I wanted to see how much she cared about me. She took a risk by calling you and finding out if you would go against me. This is all a big plan, I knew about it. What she didn't know was that I had taken my heart back from you a LONG time ago. I hate it when you lie to me, Kat. Would you like to tell me the truth?"

"That is the truth!"

"Did you agree to her little plan?"

"No...well...kind of..."

"That's a yes or no question, give me a yes or no answer."

"I did, but only because I thought she was using you. I thought that it was a publicity stunt with her too."

"You are wrong on this one, Kat. I guess I've proved you wrong again, huh?"

"What are you talking about? Justin..."

"That's right...keep on crying. And you said Britney was a good actress! I'm very convinced right now. If I didn't know any better I'd say you were genuinely upset."

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"While I was getting on some dry clothes I got a call from Britney and she told me EVERYTHING. Here I was, about to give you back the gift I gave you so long ago and I found out it was all a lie. All a big plan, a plan to pull me away from Britney. You KNEW I loved her. Why would you TRY to HURT me like that? I didn't think you would be big on revenge...but I was wrong about you. I've been wrong about a lot of things."

"I wasn't trying to hurt you, I was trying to make you see that she isn't RIGHT for you and that you could do BETTER."

"And of course you're now going to say I could have had you, right?"

"NO! I don't think that. I think ANYONE but HER would have been better."

"You said the same thing with Vivion. Did you think I'd go to you then? Come on, Kat, you bared your soul to me right before I went out with Britney. You told me how much you cared and that you loved me. Now you are going to sit there and say that you didn't do this for your own benefit?"

"YES! I was NOT thinking of myself, I've NEVER thought of myself when you are involved. You should KNOW THAT! I don't believe this. You don't trust me. After 19 years, you don't trust me?"

"Why should I trust you. Britney makes so much sense. She has proof that you agreed to do this."

"How, it was a verbal agreement?"

"Like you said, Britney's smarter than you think. She got it all on tape. She played it back for me when I didn't believe her. Then I knew everything she had warned me about was true. She wanted to proove to me that she was right in saying you would do ANYTHING to make me love you and when you agreed to her plan, you SCREWED over ANY chance you had. I can't even look at you right now."

"Justin! Don't believe her, don't listen to her...don't you see, this is what she wants! She wants me out of the picture. If you walk away now, everything will be over. You'll never get me back. If you come crawling back this time...I won't take you back. NOTHING can change what you have just done. You have believed her over me. And you said you trusted me with your LIFE. Please, TRUST ME NOW. And believe me when I say I had the best intentions and I only wanted to save YOU from being hurt."

"This is beyond pathetic. Believe me, I don't care if you won't take me back because now...you mean NOTHING to me."

"Justin...please. Did you not mean a word you said out in the rain?"

"I didn't know the TRUTH when I was in the rain. I never thought you would use the trust I have in you against me. That was low, Kat."

"I love you, please...don't leave."

"And to think, five minutes ago I would have believed you." Justin opened the door and slammed it shut behind him. I fell down onto the couch and lost control.

"Listen, Britney. He's NOT here," I heard JC's angry voice as I entered my bus. "No, he's not! I've told you a hundred times, he's on Kat's bus! Yes! Why would I lie to you? Because I hate you? Ok, newsflash Britney...I'm NOT FIVE YEARS OLD! If anything I would lie to you because you are stuck-up, pretentious bitch that needs to have a ma-" I cut him off by taking the phone.

"Sorry about that Britney."

"He lied? Oh put that ass back on the phone!"

"No, I just got back from Kat's bus. He wasn't lying."

"Bullshit. Why were you over there anyway."

"To find out the truth."

"I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH."

"So did she, her version was slightly different but she told me she did agree. She believed the lie about you tape recording her. She fell for it. She walked right into that trap. I'm sorry I didn't believe you."

"I told you. She would do ANYTHING."

"Yeah, well still...I'm not exactly happy that you put her up for this. I don't know exactly what you said to her that would make her feel like she needed to protect me."

"I didn't say anything like that. She just wanted to have you to herself. She hates the fact that you love me more than you love her. This is for the better, her dependence on you was unhealthy anyway."

"Yeah..."

"Don't tell me you feel guilty about this?"

"You didn't SEE her Britney. You didn't see the PAIN and CONFUSION in her eyes. You weren't there. She wasn't BEGGING you to stay. YOU DIDN'T SEE IT!"

"Calm down," she snapped.

"DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I have just WALKED AWAY from my BEST FRIEND, only this time it was the LAST time. Even if I wanted to I could NEVER get her back. It's OVER."

"Isn't that what you wanted?"

"What I want is to be left alone."

"Fine, I'll talk to you tomorrow. And oh, work on JC for me. I'd really like to be on tour for a couple days."

"WHAT?"

"If you say no because of Kat I WILL walk away from you Justin. And you WANT me on your side otherwise your life will be HELL. JC has nothing on me when it comes to revenge and making others suffer."

"Bye." I hung up the phone. Her last words echoed in my head. She had just given it all away. "DAMN IT!" I yelled and threw my phone into the wall. When it fell to the ground I crushed it with my foot and continued cursing. I was punching the wall over and over again. I didn't feel any pain, only anger...at myself and at Britney and at Kat. "HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME!?" I asked over and over. JC was now trying to hold my arms back. I didn't calm down. I was struggling to get away from his hold on me and I was stronger than JC but as soon as I broke away Lonnie grabbed my arm. The large security guard looked down at me. I looked at the wall and saw the blood dripping down it. My hand was throbbing with pain but I still didn't care. Lonnie took me off the bus and lead me into the venue. We went to the first aid center where they repaired my hand.

"It might be broken. You should get him to a hospital for x-rays." The nurse said.

"Great, just great. This is your second show and you've already broken your hand. I'd hate to be you when Johnny hears about this," Lonnie said.

"Way to make me feel great."

"Anytime buddy, anytime."

I was walked back to my bus and when I got on the guys tried there best to act normal but I could tell they were afraid. They didn't know what caused my outburst and they were afraid to ask. I had a feeling one of them had probably talked to Kat and knowing the guys around me they would have taken her side, especially JC. Even I thought I chose the wrong side. I should have listened to Kat, she was right. She was my best friend. I had no hard evidence to go on. Maybe Kat did give in to Britney's game, but I didn't know what made Kat feel that Britney was up to no good. I didn't like the way everything had played out and Britney was all too proud of herself for pushing Kat out of my life.

JC wouldn't even look at me. I tried to talk to him but he walked away. None of the guys were speaking to me. Our manager, Johnny Wright, entered the bus. He looked at the wall stained with blood. I had put a nice dent in it and I had no doubt I was going to pay for the repairs.

"Justin, what on earth posessed you to beat the wall and mangle your cell phone?"

"I lost my temper. That's all. It was stupid, I'll pay for the damage and I really don't want a cell phone. I have no use for it anymore. The only person I care about hates me."

"How did I know this had to do with Britney?"

"IT'S NOT BRITNEY! All Britney cares about is PUSHING PEOPLE AWAY FROM ME, so that ALL I will have left is HER. I'm not going to let that happen. I'm NOT going to GIVE UP on Kat. I will get her back and I will prove Britney wrong."

"Justin....calm down," Johnny warned.

"NO! I'm not going to calm down. YOU DIDN'T WALK AWAY FROM YOUR BEST FRIEND! I DID! I shouldn't have. I should have STAYED and LISTENED. But NO, my temper got away from me. I've SCREWED UP the BEST thing in my LIFE!"

I felt JC's hand touch my shoulder and I heard him whisper, "Anger is what got you here and it's not going to get you out. Calm down and breath. Please...you are scaring us here."

It was the first words JC had spoken to me since I got back. His tone somehow soothed me and I began to calm down. But as soon as the anger began to leave my body, the pain set in. I broke down and I fell to the ground. JC had tried to catch me but his grip slipped and I hit the floor. I sat on the floor, crying, like I had done on Kat's bus. This time, I had no hope and I had nothing to fight for. Fighting for Kat was as hopeless as finding a needle in a haystack. I gave up at that moment and I heard a ring from JC's cell phone.

"Hello," he stated. "No, he can't come to the phone right now....that's because he broke it....He threw it up against the wall and then stepped on it...Oh no, it was on purpose...He's at the first aid center....After he broke his cell phone he started pounding the wall screaming words I will not repeat and I thank God his mother didn't hear him and then he eventually started screaming 'How could she do this to me?' over and over and over....It wasn't a pretty site....If Lonnie hadn't come in we might have another window in our bus....Of course Johnny's mad....No, I don't know why he was upset....No, I will not tell him you called because all I know is he got off the phone with you and went insane...WHAT? You have a LOT of nerve!... You step one foot on this tourbus and so help me God I will..." He stopped when he saw everyone staring at him. "No, I'm not going to finish my sentence. BECAUSE YOU TAPE PEOPLE'S CONVERSATIONS!" I knew at that moment that JC knew everything and he had talked to Kat. "Oh you don't...then why would...Oh. Well, he's a sneaky little guy, huh? Tricking an innocent girl with the best intentions just so it could make YOU look good. How does it feel to know you've ruined Kat's life? Huh? I'm sorry, Joey was talking to me, can you say that again?" He placed the cell phone up to my ear.

"I said, it feels damn good."

He quickly took the cell phone away and Lonnie restrained me. JC got up and walked away. "Well, I hope you know you have done a wonderful job of digging your own grave because now I know the TRUTH and let's see, we have me AND Kat against your word...Oh, but honey, he's sitting on the floor right now. He's awful upset...BECAUSE HE KNOWS THE TRUTH." He hung up his phone and placed it on his bunk. He looked very triumphant. He had just brought down the one person he hates and he had proved me wrong. I felt like an idiot and I felt worse than I ever thought I could. If I could have, I would have shot myself then and there.

JC had Lonnie let go of me and he helped me up. "How about you and me go run laps around the venue. You have a lot of steam to blow off and I don't think the wall would appreciate another beating."