Look To The Stars--Chapter 3

After sound check I made my way to Kat's bus. I missed notes and made stupid mistakes during the sound check. My mind was gone. All I could think about was Kat, and the pained expression she had on her face when I talked to her. JC and Joey were running low on patience and I had never been so happy to get out of a room with them.

"Where are you going?" Joey asked.

"Kat's bus. I want to apologize for some things I said earlier."

"Oh, that's cool. I'd be careful, she was pretty upset earlier today. I hope you can fix this one."

"So do I...So do I."

Maureen was sitting on the couch in the front of the bus and told me Kat was in the back, writing in her journal. I found her sleeping. She had her headphones on and her eyes were closed. She looked so emotionless but she looked at peace. She had gotten away from the pain I had caused, but she had to sleep to escape it. I could hear some of the music slipping out. She had borrowed JC's Sting CD, something she always did when she was upset. She would listen to Sting and write her soul down on a piece of paper. Whenever she was upset, her best lyrics were written.

Her journal was open in front of her and I picked it up. Some letters fell from it and I flipped through some of the pages. She had kept EVERY letter I sent her and had been very loyal about writing in her journal. Very few dates were skipped. I saw today's entry and read it. I knew I was invading her privacy and I felt bad about it but I needed to know how much damage I had to undo.

5/14/01
Dear Diary-
Well another fun day on tour with Nsync. Haha, I wish. Justin and I got into a fight. Well, not really because I didn't fight back. I sat there and let him break it. He finally did it. After almost 19 years he did it. He finally broke my heart. He's pushed me away. It was always his biggest fear and now...he's pushed me away. He's confessed feelings for me and now he can't spend alone time with me and he wants me to take my problems to JC or Lance. JC and Joey know about what Justin said. They weren't really helpful but they LISTENED and didn't push me away. I can't write much now. I need to stop crying. Justin is the only person that can make me cry like this. I haven't felt this way since Vivion broke up with Justin and I realized he would never see me the way I wanted him to. To think I almost took my life for the person that is just walking away from me. No fight, no tears, NOTHING. He just WALKED away. Almost NINETEEN years of friendship don't mean ANYTHING to him. NOTHING...if it did how could he walk away? WHY am I this upset about it? He was a friend...friend's come and go...right? He didn't mean that much to me...did he? I don't understand it. He freaks when I walk away and five minutes later...he walks away from me. Figures...
-Kathleen

I watch the western sky
The sun is sinking
The geese are flying south
It sets me thinking

I did not miss you much
I did not suffer
What did not kill me
Just made me tougher

I feel the winter come
His icy sinews,
Now in the firelight
The case continues

Another night in court
The same old trial
The same old questions asked
The same denial

The shadows closing round
Like jury members
I look for answers in
The fire's embers

Why was I missing then
That whole December?
I gave my usual line,
I don't remember

Another winter comes
His icy fingers creep
Into these bones of mine
These memories never sleep
And all these differences
A cloak I borrow
We kept our distances
Why should it follow that
I must have loved you?

What is a force that binds the stars?
I wore this mask to hid my scars
What is the power that moves the tide?
Never could find a place to hide

What moves the earth around the sun?
What could I do but run and run and run?
Afraid to love, afraid to fail
A mast without a sail

The moon's a fingernail
And slowly sinking
Another day begins
And now I'm thinking

That this indifference
Was my invention
When everything I did
Sought your attention

You were my compass star
You were my measure
You were my pirate's map
Of buried treasure

If this was all correct
The last thing I'd expect
The prosecution rests
It's time that I confesed
I must have loved you
I must have loved you...

I took off the headphones and I looked down at Kat's sleeping figure. A tear rolled down my cheek and I thought back to the words of the song. Sting was a phenomenal song writer and his words had gone straight to my heart and my soul. I wasn't one to be affected by JUST lyrics, it was normally a combination of all the elements but this time...it was different. It was the lyrics that affected me. It was a beautiful song and was composed well and Sting did have a great voice but it was the words...the words cut through me and went straight to my heart. I couldn't take it. The words of the song and Kat's written word was overwhelming. I broke down. I sat down on the back of Kat's bus, crying. Here I was a 20 year old man, crying...and as I cried Kat's world slowly became more visible to me. I knew what she felt and for once I understood how I had treated her. I was a prick and I had hurt her. I hurt her so bad, she was on the edge...again. TWICE, I had caused this pain TWICE. I had caused so much pain and I had no idea how to make it up to her. But I would, somehow I would.

"I'm sorry Kat," I whispered. I dried my eyes, stood up and walked away. I kept my eyes on the ground as I passed Maureen and Allison. I left the bus and went to my own.

I had ruined a friendship. I sat down in my bunk and pretended to go to sleep. Pretending...I had done too much of it. I had pretended I didn't feel the way I felt for Kat...I pretended Britney was my soul mate. I pretended everything was ok, and now...it had exploded. My emotions blew up in my face and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to lose Britney. Now that our relationship was public it would be EXTREMELY difficult to put it to an end. But I wasn't even sure if that was what I wanted. I did love Britney and I'll admit, at first it was a publicity stunt, but it turned into something more...I never thought I would fall for her. I tried hard not to, I would push Britney away and I wouldn't call her. I'd only do things in public, I'd insist we go shopping or go to some public place. I didn't want to be ALONE with her, because if I was...I was afraid I'd fall for her. I was afraid I'd start loving her.

But why was loving Britney so hard to let myself do? WHY was it so difficult? It wasn't like the relationship I had with Kat...Kat means the WORLD to me and with out her I'm lost. Why couldn't I just let Britney into my life, the way I had always wanted someone there. What was I afraid of...was I afraid of love? I love Kat, and I've never been afriad of loving her...until now. Slowly it all came together.

Britney was not Kat, that much I had always known. I was afraid to let someone into my life that was NOT Kat. Kat had never hurt me, she had always been there and she never lied to me. She was blunt and honest...sometimes too blunt, but I knew every word that left her mouth had a good intention. Britney...was different. She didn't always think before she spoke and not every word was kind. She was very important to me but sometimes, she seemed to be two-faced. All the interviews with Teen or Seventeen or J14 she was the sweetest, innocent pop star you could find. But to magazines like Glamour, or Elle she came across as a vixen, who was not nearly as innocent as thought to be.

I still remembered the day she fought with JC. He didn't even do anything, he simply made a suggestion and she yelled at him. JC had an amazing ability to conrtol his temper, but Britney tested him. She pushed him to the very edge and she seemed to enjoy it. She enjoyed the thrill of him growing angry and finally loosing control

"Maybe you should wear something else. I'm sick of hearing about you not wearing enough clothes. You can look good AND leave things up to the imagination. People are going to loose respect for you, Britney." JC said in a calm tone. He was right and I agreed with him. It was getting annoying, constantly hearing about Britney's clothing...or lack there of.

"Who do you think you are?" She asked in harsh tone. I saw the look in her eyes and put my hand on her shoulder. "Get off Justin! Stay out of this one." JC didn't respond. He was shocked by her outburst. It was a side HE had never seen before. "Well, Mr. Chasez? Answer the damn question!"

"I'm just trying to give you a suggestion...I wasn't trying to step on your toes and I'm sorry-"

"Well you need to mind your OWN business. I'm wearing whatever I want to wear."

"That's fine, but considering I have to deal with all the crap you get, and I spend MY time trying to stick up for YOU and your personal rights to wear what YOU want, it is my business."

"You don't have to do anything for me. I'm NOT 11 anymore. I can take care of myself."

"Ok, fine. Just forget I said anything."

"NO! I will not just forget it! You had NO right to tell me how to dress!" I could sense JC's anger rising and he took a deep breath and through clenched teeth replied.

"I was NOT telling YOU how to dress. I was making a SUGGESTION, now let's DROP it before I get REALLY angry."

"It looks like it's a little to late for that one. Guess you aren't quite as calm and cool as everyone thought. Now what would the fans think if they saw this little outburst of anger?" This was enough to send JC over the edge. I saw Britney's satisfied grin as he lost control.

"MY FANS!! MY ANGER!! What the HELL do you call your OUTBURST, Britney? You are being a damn DIVA and I was making a SUGGESTION. A SUGGESTION! Not a command, a SUGGESTION. Get that through your damn HEAD! I'm not the one who is LYING to everyone by denying a relationship."

"Then what do you call the RELATIONSHIP you have with Hayley?"

"Britney-" I tried to stop her from making the statement. Whenever anyone brought up Hayley, JC got extremely defensive.

"LEAVE HER OUT OF THIS! And, for your information, I'm not lying. I have never made a statement that says I'm single and I've never made a statement saying I'm taken. If asked, the truth will be told...WHY am I telling YOU this! I shouldn't have to explain myself to you. What you are is a SELFISH, STUCK UP BITCH. You need to get OFF this little ego trip you have on and start thinking about how YOU carry yourself. Like it or not TWELVE year old girls look up to you. Your audience hasn't "shrunk", they have always been YOUNG. Now, get that through the DIVA-complexed head and STOP DRESSING LIKE SOMEONE ON A STREET CORNER! You have NO class, Brit. NONE. If I had a daughter I would NOT let her look up to YOU, because you are more a PROSTITUTE than a ROLE MODEL."

I was becoming upset with JC and I would have stopped him but the self satisfied smile on Britney's face stopped me. She was enjoying this. She was ENJOYING making one of my closest friends upset. She seemed to be proud for pushing him to the edge. The scene made me sick to my stomach.

"Hey, I'm not the NOBODY sleeping with some FAMOUS guy to get kicks. It's sooo painfully OBVIOUS that the girl is using you. You'd have to be BLIND to not see that!"

"That's IT! I'm SICK of YOU and I'm SICK of your BULLSHIT! I'm not going to this damn award show with you. FORGET IT, and you are damn lucky that Justin is here otherwise plastic surgery might be on your to do list. Oh WAIT, it ALREADY IS! My bad! Hey Justin, do they feel as fake as they look? And to think you told fans you hated fake people. That's hypocritical, buddy."

"THEY ARE REAL!" She protested.

"Right, there about as real as the relationship you have with Justin. Did you ever notice how he ALWAYS insists on going out in public and that you NEVER spend time ALONE with him??? Gee, can you say PUBLICITY STUNT? I can...and so can he."

Britney's smile quickly disappeared and I didn't know what to say. JC was right but I didn't know he had noticed. I had never told him my relationship with her was a publicity stunt, in my mind.

"Justin??" She questioned me. I was panicking.

"He's upset, don't listen to him."

"Aww, did I strike a nerve Brit? How does it feel to have someone attack the one thing you love more than life itself? Maybe this will teach you a lesson, it sucks when you're the one being hurt, huh?"

"Do NOT for ONE second think you hurt me. I know Justin LOVES me and he ALWAYS has. Right Justin?"

"Um...yeah..."

"Oh, THAT was convincing. If I were you Brit, I'd run home and cry because he does NOT love you. You will ALWAYS be second in his life. ALWAYS. Get used to it cause from this day out, you are in for a bumpy ride cause you've just SCREWED yourself over when it comes to me and I SWEAR, if you EVER come to me with a problem you will be pused away so FAST you will have NO CLUE what hit you. I'm sick of being polite, I'm sick of acting like you are this great girl and I WILL make your life hell. You are no longer welcome in my home, or my family's. You crossed the line this time, Britney. You crossed the line and there is no looking back now."

With that JC walked away. I knew how much self control it took for him to walk away. JC was upset and although it took a lot to push him to that place, once he got there it took him awhile to calm down. I left Britney standing in the store in shock and I ran after him. I only proved him right but I couldn't let my friend walk away like that. I wasn't going to let him walk away from me, too. I needed him...almost as much as I needed Kat.

I had almost completely forgotten about that day but now that I had remembered it everything fell into place. After all this time...JC had always known. His words were echoing in my head, over and over.

"You will ALWAYS be second in his life. ALWAYS."

The words JC spoke and the song lyrics were running through my mind. I knew what I wanted but now I didn't know how to get it. I didn't know how to go back and fix what I had broken.

That day caused a strain on my relationship with Britney, it forced me to be alone with her. It was the only option I had because at the time I didn't want her to believe JC's words. They had been right, but I couldn't let her know that. Now, I had gone and broken Kat's heart. JC didn't say who Britney would be second to but I knew who he was referring to and he had sent the message loud and clear. Kat was first. Kat had always been first.

It wasn't that I was afraid to love Britney, maybe to an extent I was. But I was afraid because I thought she would take over the place that Kat held in my heart. I was afraid I would forget about Kat and that she would give up hope and forget about me. Now, I had MADE my biggest fears come true. She was right when she said I had made my own fears come true, the only difference was I was making it happen, not her. Maybe that was supposed to make me feel better...but in truth, it didn't. It made me feel worse.

Britney never respected my friends, except for Kat. Somehow, she knew that Kat meant so much to me. She knew that if she upset Kat, she would upset me. Kat could have said ANYTHING about Britney and I wouldn't have stopped her, but if Britney said one word that could have hurt Kat, I would have pounced. I would have stopped Britney in a heartbeat, with out thinking. In fact, I had...

"What is SO great about Kat?" She asked.

"Everything. She's kept me strong when I felt like there was no more hope. She has always made me see that NOTHING can stop me from achieveing my dreams...except for myself. With out her, I wouldn't be standing in front of you right now."

"Well, you have made it and now you have me to keep you strong. Why do you still need her?"

"Britney...be careful, you're about to get on some touchy territory and I'm warning you..."

"Answer the question, Justin."

"Because YOU can not take her place. You will never be able to. You may be the one I go home to at night and the one I share myself with but you still don't have ALL of me. Kat has a part of me, just like I have a part of her. With out each other, we aren't whole. I need her because she completes me."

"And I don't? Justin, you are making it sound like you love HER more than you love me!"

"In a way I do. It's different, Kat is...is everything but, you do something to me that she can't do. You reach different parts of me. Places she could never reach."

"It's me or her. What do you want?"

"You are asking me to choose between you two?"

"Yes, Justin."

"I won't choose. If that means losing you, then that's what will happen. I'm not going to choose something that could hurt either one of you."

"By not choosing you chose her."

"You don't understand do you? Without Kat, I will be miserable and I'll be the same with out you. You have to trust me when she comes on tour with us. TRUST ME, Britney. If you make me choose no one will win. Just don't worry...you have nothing to worry about."

"I have her to worry about."

"What do you mean by that?"

"She WILL try something, Justin. You may not see it but she DOES love you, only in a different way. She will try something. I know her...she will."

"HOW DARE YOU! If you EVER say ANYTHING like that about her again I WILL walk away from you. Kat is my soul, she stands for who I am and everything I want to be. With out her I lose myself. Is that what you want?"

"No, but...I just don't trust her."

"Do you know how it feels to hear you say that? To say that you don't TRUST the ONE person I TRUST with my LIFE! You could NEVER insult me more!"

"I can't just trust her because you do."

"Well, that's something you will have to learn how to do because she is my BEST friend. She represents EVERYTHING I stand for, she IS my past and present and I don't doubt she will be my future. You have to TRUST me. It's not a matter of trusting her...as much as it hurts ME to know you don't trust HER, it's how much you trust ME. If you trust me, you won't care what she tries to pull because I won't respond. I'm not saying she would try something, because she wouldn't but...Jesus, Brit! I'm SO upset right now. I can't even talk right. How can you NOT trust her?"

"It's easy. She loves you and she would do anything to get you to feel the same. She looks innocent and sweet but she's quietly working her way between us. Don't you get it? We are fighting over her right now. This is what she wants! She wants us to fight over her, because she knows it's the only thing that could ever push us apart."

"If it's what SHE wants then STOP FIGHTING ME. Just TRUST me and leave her OUT of our conversations and fights. Right now, it looks like YOU are trying to end this."

"No...that's the last thing I want."

"Then please, stop fighting me and just trust me on this one...Kat is a friend and you have NOTHING to worry about. Please..."

"I trust you."

"Thank you. Now, I have to go. I'm helping Kat pack for the tour."

"See! That's what I'm talking about!"

"Britney, if you know what's good for you, you'll shut your mouth now and say goodbye and hang up the phone."

"Bye Justin. I'll talk to you later."

"Ok, bye Britney."

"I'm trusting you."

"I know," I replied and hung up.

Britney was right about one thing. Kat would be the only thing that could push us apart. We had been through so much together. We had dealt with the fans, our families and our friends but Kat...Kat always approved and gave her blessing. I didn't believe Britney when she said that Kat wanted to push us apart but the more I thought the more it made sense.

Why would Kat get so upset over me loving Britney? It was one of our first days on the tour and she was making me doubt my feelings already. Now I was even more confused. But Kat had no control over my dream and this was what it was about. It was my fear of loosing Kat. The dream caused this chain of events and Kat had no control over that.

The dream...it was horrible. I saw her look into the other man's eyes with so much love and she just walked away. I stood their begging for her to love me but she simply said no and ran away. She had done what I had been doing for years. She stood there and begged me not to go to Florida but I did. She had begged me not to jump into things with Vivion, but I did. She even warned me to be careful with Britney and she had basically told her soul to me that day but I ran away from her then. The dream was making me see what I did to her and I knew how I felt. But now, I didn't know how to get it.

Kat was not going to forgive me easily this time. I knew that much. I had really screwed up this time. After 19 years of friendship, she was right. I broke her heart, but in the process I broke my own. My cell phone rang and I answered it.

"Hello?"

"J? You ok, you sound upset."

"I'm fine, Britney. I just woke up. That's all."

"Oh ok. I'm going to have a couple days off soon. Do you think I could hang with you guys on tour? I miss life on the road with you five. Those were the days, huh?"

"Oh yes...never been more exciting. I guess so. You'll have to run it by Johnny. You can't stay on this bus though. You'll have to stay on the bus with..." I stopped.

"Why can't I stay with you? What's wrong?"

"Nothing...actually, it would be a bad idea if you came on tour. It would cause more problems."

"Why?"

"Well, JC would flip if you stayed on our bus because it's like his house and I don't think staying with Kat would be a good idea either."

"And why not?"

"You know damn well why JC wouldn't want you here and Kat is having problems with her band and I think you would just complicate things even more. I'm sorry."

"Kat is always having problems and JC needs to get over himself."

"Britney, would you listen to me for ONCE. I said NO. N-O. Please just respect my answer and get off my back. JC does NOT need to get over himself because you have treated him like SHIT from the very beginning and LEAVE KAT OUT OF THIS."

"Why are you so damn protective of that girl?"

"BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" I yelled. I didn't even think before I opened my mouth. After the words came out I silently cursed myself for letting Britney know.

"Um...you love her?"

"Yes, I do. Just not the way you think I do."

"Justin, you barely tell me that you love me."

"Because it's different."

"EVERYTHING is 'different' with her!"

"Britney, now is not the time and I suggest you drop this...NOW."

"Why? Afraid your going to let something else slip?"

"You can't come on tour with us to visit. Maybe one day you can come to a show but that's it. You can't be on the bus. Do you understand?"

"Yes...I can't say I understand why but I will do anything to spend time with you."

"Thank you. It will make sense one day...hopefully one day soon."

"I should let you go. Bye Justin."

"Bye."

I turned off my cell phone and cursed myself for letting my feelings slip out. I hadn't thought before I opened my mouth. It was too much for me to handle. The world was spinning faster and faster and I couldn't stop it. I was feeling like I had no control and it scared me. For once, I couldn't MAKE things go the way I wanted to but it was time for me to push my fears aside and take the plunge. my mission in life was to make Kat understand exactly how much I cared. I didn't know how I would do it but I knew I had to. If I wanted to keep her in my life I had to. I had to make it work...