Look To The Stars--Chapter 2

About a year after Justin and Vivion broke up, Justin started to date Britney. Justin and Britney had been dating for about a year when I signed the contract with Lance.

That phone conversation was a turning point for me. It was the day I almost took my life. If JC hadn't called to ask where Hayley was I may not be here today. When he called he made me realize that even if Justin didn't look at me like that, others would. It was ok and it was definitely not worth taking my own life. I should have been happy he knew I was alive. Justin didn't know about my feelings or how close I came to death that day. He didn't know why JC was constantly on his case about the way he treated me but it was because of that day.

"Justin, you aren't going to lose me BUT if you keep insisting on spending time with me then I may end up with out a band."

"Huh?"

"Allison and Maureen are pissy about me spending all this time with you."

"Well, Allison and Maureen can fuck off. I need you."

"So do they and you may be my best friend but I can't piss them off either because without them I wouldn't be here."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I'm being selfish."

"It's ok. I'm sorry I walked away. You needed me and I left."

"It's not the end of the world. I'm ok, really. Go back to Maureen and Allison."

"No, I want to be with you."

Justin smiled and I sat down next to him. I leaned my tired and aching head on his shoulder and closed my eyes.

"Kat?"

"Yeah?"

"My whole life has been a lie. I've lied to myself, my friends, my family and you."

"Uh...you lost me there buddy. What do you mean, you lied?"

"When I told Britney she had nothing to worry about and when I told my family they had nothing to worry about. By telling them, I tried to make myself believe it. I came so close to believing it. So close..."

"How did you lie to me and what are you talking about? You're talking in code right now."

"You said we could pretend everything was ok. I'm sick of pretending and I'm sick of trying to convince everyone around me when I can't even convince myself."

"You're still not making any sense, J."

"You coming on tour with us wasn't the best idea."

"Oh...wow..." I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I needed to make him think I didn't care and that I was strong. My best friend didn't even want me on tour with him. I couldn't respond. I stood up and walked away.

"I think you took that the wrong way," he called out after me. I stopped and turned to face him, holding back tears.

"Then how did you mean it? That after you dragged me off my tour bus and we spend the night in your bunk, which by the way barely fits you, that now you're afraid of what Britney might say? Justin, you won't let me leave one minute and now you are saying I should never have come here! MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!"

"Please, let me explain."

"No. I'm not going to deal with your shit today. Goodbye."

I stormed off the bus and went back to mine. I ignored the looks from Maureen and Allison. I took out my discman and let the music take me away while I read previous entries from my journal.

Looking back at the previous journal entries made me more upset. I heard my name being called. I looked up to see Maureen standing in front of me. I stopped the music and took off my headphones.

"You have a visitor," Maureen stated. I knew my "visitor" was Justin but I walked out of the back area anyway.

"If you've come to explain, save your breath. I don't want to hear it because I don't give a shit. Go fuck Britney and stay away from me."

Allison and Maureen's jaws dropped and Allison looked over at me.

"Why don't you talk about this on Justin's bus," Allison suggested.

I walked off with out saying a word. Justin followed close behind. Shortly after I got on Justin's bus the drivers came back and we headed towards our next destination.

"Coming on tour with us was a bad idea for ONE reason and one reason only," Justin stated.

"And what would that be?"

"I'm not going to see Britney for months at a time but I will see you everyday. Now, before you blow up at me again, it's not that I don't want to see you. I love spending time with you, it's just that...sometimes, I see you the way I see Britney. That's why this was a bad idea."

"Remember our conversation at the club the other night?" Justin asked. I nodded my head and he continued. "I WAS trying to convince myself. You said something that has stuck with me. When I asked what we should do you replied,'Pretend everything is ok and that you love her.'. This whole time, you've been able to see through me."

"As strong as my relationship with Britney is, it's never been near the one I have with you. You've always known that, so have I. The difference is I've been denying everything for so long. No matter what I do, someone will be hurt. JC warned me, he's been warning me since you signed on with Lance...maybe even before that. I think it was around the time Vivion and I broke up. Anyway, I never listened to him. It was the dream that made me realize how MUCH you mean to me. And, Kat, you mean a lot...a lot..."

I listened carefully to the words he spoke and I was at a loss for words. I didn't know how to react to what he had just told me. He still hadn't expressed EXACTLY what was going on in his head, but it was a start. It sounded like he didn't even know what he wanted or how he felt.

"What does this mean?" I finally asked.

"I'm not sure. We just have to be really careful when we are together and if possible avoid 1 on 1 situations. I love Britney and I've worked too hard to let that relationship fall apart. If you need me, I'll be here...but...if you CAN go to Lance or Jace, that might be a better idea."

"Ok...is that all?" His ideas and statements were still very confusing. When Justin became upset he was less articulate but now, he was upset AND he didn't even know what HE wanted. It was a bad combination.

"I think so. Unfortunately, you are stuck here again. I'm going to get some sleep. The guys are in the back."

"Alright," I replied and stood up. Justin's words were making my head spin. One minute he was loving me and wanting me near him and the next he was pushing me away and putting restrictions on our relationship. My head pounded and the room began to spin. I finally made it to the back room. There was a spot on the couch next to Joey. I sat down and leaned on Joey's shoulder for support. I saw four pairs of concerned eyes looking at me. To get away from the stares I buried my face in Joey's shoulder. Joey's hand was stroking my back and I felt someone sit on the other side of me. Lifting my head from Joey's shoulder, I saw JC sitting next to me. At the sight of JC, I broke down and cried. JC took me in his arms and carried me away. He sat me down at the table.

He looked around and spoke. "Justin, we're out of cereal!" His tone was loud enough for Justin to hear...if he was awake. JC's words didn't get a response. Satisfied, JC sat down next to me. "What did he do?"

"He...he said we couldn't...couldn't spend time together."

"WHAT? You better be ready to tell me why he said that otherwise I WILL kick his curly-haired a-"

"JC, calm down. You getting upset isn't going to make things get better."

"The girl's right," Joey said. He sat down across from JC and I. "Do you mind, I want to know what made you so upset back there. We all care about you, Kat."

"You can stay." I took a deep breath. "Do either of you know why Justin was having a panic attack earlier?" They shook their heads 'no' and I continued. "Ok, he had a dream last night. A dream where I met some other guy and ran away with that other guy, leaving Justin behind. When he told me, I told him he was making a big deal out of nothing and that I wasn't going anywhere, except across the parking lot to my bus. I walked out and that really upset him. He thought I had walked out on him and...and...our friendship."

"Anyway, when I came back because he was upset, he tried to explain why he told me coming on tour with you guys was a bad idea. Ok, he said it 'wasn't the best' idea-"

"He said that!? The little PRICK! It was NOT a bad idea!" Joey said. I sat quietly and looked at JC. JC's eyes were filled with concern for me and he placed a hand on Joey's arm. Joey took a deep breath and tried to calm down. "Sorry...go on."

"He said it was a bad idea because I would be around him a lot and he wouldn't have Britney to 'distract' him. Basically, I am a threat to their relationship."

"How is that possible? You're like the boy's sister. How are YOU a threat? No offense or anything..."

"Patience isn't a strong point with you, is it Joey?" He shurgged his shoulders and I continued. "Justin has been denying the feelings, or type of feelings, he's had for me. He said his relationship with Britney could never compare to the one he had with me. HE then said that you, JC, had been warning him since the day of the...um, phone conversation, when Vivion wanted a 'break'. He went on to say that it was the dream he had that made him realize how much he cared about me."

"He was contradicting himself a lot and I know he always has...but...this time, he didn't really know what he wanted. After he told me all that I asked what we should do and he that's when he told me we should avoid one on one situations and if at all possible, to bring my problems to someone else."

"It makes NO sense! He tells me he cares but then he pushes me away. Why is he doing this to me? I've done NOTHING but be there for HIM and he's just pushing me away. He says he's worrked too hard to give up what he has with Britney. What does he mean by that? Does it mean that we haven't worked hard to keep our friendship strong? The boy LEFT ME when I was 11 years old and since that day he's carried around a piece of me, and now he's shattered that piece into a million pieces. I gave him my heart, I thought he would always treasure it and protect it but he just smashed it up against the wall. I always knew his selfish mind would be the end of our friendship but this...this is ridiculous. Can't he see what he's doing? His words say one thing but his actions say another. If he wants to give up THIS, our friendship that has ALWAYS been there for him, then fine. But he better not come crawling back because...because...I'll take him right back. He knows that, too! How did it all go so wrong?"

"I don't know, Kat, but you shouldn't have to deal with anything like this. He's being stupid and selfish but give him time. He just realized how he felt about you so...give him time," JC stated.

"You might be right...but if you aren't? I don't know how I will deal with it. He's the reason I'm here to begin with. He made my dreams a reality and now because he's afraid of the way HE feels, he's going to leave me...just walk away. He was always so afriad I'd walk away, how can he do the same to me?"

"I know this seems a lot worse than it is. Just give him some time."

"I don't know how much time I can give him. His biggest fear was that he would lose me and now he's CAUSING it to happen."

"Kat, if he's a REAL friend, he'll come back even stronger and in my opinion, he'd have to be an idiot to not come back to you. You are an amazing person with so much heart and talent and the relationship you two have is unique. He'll come back," Joey said.

"Thanks, Joey."

"We're almost at the venue, so you can get back to your bus soon. I'm sure you'll want to talk to Maureen and Allison."

"Yeah...Thanks for listening guys."

"Anytime," JC said.

"Can I borrow some CDs Jace?"

"Of course. You know where they are."

I walked back to JC's bunk. His bag was lying on his bed. JC's bunk was directly above Justin's. I went through the bag but I couldn't find what I wanted.

"JC! Where's your Sting CD?"

"In the discman," he called back.

"Thanks!" I took the CD out of the discman and placed it in a blank case. I was about to walk away when I heard movement from Justin's bunk. I looked down and saw him staring at the bunk above him. His eyes were dead. He had lost the spark. Normally, I would have been concerned but I didn't care this time. I didn't want to care and I needed to not care. Justin's words had gone straight to my heart and soul. Inside, I was bleeding.

"Have a good nap?" I asked.

"No."

"Aww, too bad. Well, I guess I should go because I should avoid one on one conversations and situations with you." Before he could respond I walked away and began to cry.

I was a strong person, when I had Justin with me. Almost every tear I ever shed had been for him or because of him. Now, I couldn't even look at him. I didn't know what was going on his head and I couldn't even begin to imagine what he was thinking. He was obviously upset, and he should be. He had taken my heart and broken it. Worst of all, there was nothing I could do about it. I hadn't caused him to care and I definitely didn't MAKE him feel the way HE felt. It was HIS fault that I was crying. It was HIS fault my spirit was broken and it was HIS fault he had taken the biggest gift I ever gave him and broken it. I gave him my heart and he broke it.