Look To The Stars--Chapter 1

"I've never been so nervous in my life," I stated, looking down at my shaking hand.

"Your on in 5, girls," Lance stated. I smiled at our manager. I looked over at Maureen, Allison and my best friend Hayley, who had written a couple of our songs and was standing at JC's side.

"You'll do great. It's just like you've done in practice," Hayley said and smiled.

"But there weren't thousands of people at practice!"

"Just go do it," she replied.

"Ok, you have to go. Good luck," Lance said. Allison, Maureen and I walked onto the stage. I took a deep breath and took my starting position. The music started and it began. The energy I found inside of me was incredible and seemed like it would never end. While the crowd reaction was nothing like the one *Nsync received, it was the best feeling in the world.

"Thanks Orlando!" Allison yelled as we exited. We were greeted by Lance.

"Awesome! I'm SO proud of you guys!" Lance embraced each one of us. I felt like I was walking on air. The adrenaline ran through me and I saw Justin approach me. As he came closer his pace quickened until he was jogging.

"Kat baby! That was AMAZING!" He yelled as he picked me up and spun around. He placed me back on the ground and leaned forward to kiss my forehead.

"Thanks," I replied.

"We're celebrating tonight, ok?"

"I don't know..."

"It'll just be me, you, Jace and Hayley. No Britney tonight. It's YOUR night."

"I guess."

"Great! Well, wish me luck."

"Good luck, Justin." He walked towards the stage and JC approached me.

"You were great out there, girly," he complemented. Hayley was the next to congratulate me on a job well done. I could feel my body grow tired and I excused my self to take a shower and relax. When I was sweaty and dirty I couldn't think. Afterwards, I went into the "toy room" and got my journal.

We had our first concert opening today. It went really well. I'm going out tonight with Hayley, Jace and Justin later to celebrate. Maureen and Allison probably won't come. They never do. They always stay in because they feel awkward. They always complain about me spending to much time with the guys and going out too much but they never go anywhere! It's not my fault I'm friends with Justin. Anyway, Britney isn't coming out tonight. As much as I love her, I feel very out of place when she's around. Justin is my best friend but he's so in love with her it's like I don't matter when she's around. We'll see how it goes tonight. I'm too tired to write much now. I'll finish later. 'Til then,
                                                                               Always,
                                                                                  Kathleen

I looked back at previous entries in my journal. It had everything from songs to letters from Justin and Lance. The door opened and I looked up.

"I heard you were going out with Jace and Justin later so I figured I'd give this to you now," Lance stated walking up to me. He had a package in his hands. I smiled and opened it. There was a blank journal in the box and inside the journal was a necklace, with the word Karma, as a charm. Karma was our band name.

"Thank you so much Lance!" I hugged him.

"I figured you'd need a new one soon."

"Yeah, thanks. This means a lot to me."

"Not a problem. I should get to my bus so I'll talk to you later, ok?"

"Yeah. Bye."

"You did great out there tonight. I'm really proud of you. Bye Kat." I watched him walk out the door. I looked at the inside cover of the journal.

Kathleen- I'm so proud of you. You are ready to take the world by storm. I couldn't have asked for a better group. Keep your cell phone on and we'll always be in touch.
                                                  Love, Lance

I thought back to when we had to decide on a manger. Lance was the only option we even thought about. He then got us signed by JIVE records.

After that we worked hard with vocal coaches and choreographers. We soon had the starting of a record. Hayley and I had written the majority of the songs on the record. Maureen and Allison also contributed. We had one single out, Leaving, which I had written. It was about moving on and putting the past behind you. It had a good R&B feel to it. I was very proud of the song.

Touring with Nsync was the best publicity we could get. It was also a great experience. We learned from the best and we made friends at the top. Britney and I were close and I hung out with her often. Her relationship with Justin was very tight. Each day the two grew happier.

Justin and I were also close, he was my best friend. I had known him my entire life. Hayley was another close friend but she wasn't always around and if she was she was connected to JC 24/7. The two were engaged and were able to keep it from the public. Anytime off the two spent planning. The way things were going, the two had a long engagement ahead of them.

I wasn't sure how I felt about Justin. He was my best friend and go to guy, but there was more to it than that. I heard voices and footsteps coming toward the room

"You ready?" Justin's voice asked. I looked up at him.

"Yep," I replied.

"I have a present for you."

"Oh you do?"

"Yeah, I do," he held out a box. I took it from his hands and opened it. A baby blue bandana was lying in the bottom of the box.

"Thanks J," I hugged him.

"You're always stealing mine so I figured you could use your own, but you're welcome to steal mine anytime."

"Don't worry, I'll take you up on that offer."

"Wear it tonight."

"No, it won't go..."

"Then change. Please, Kat, for me."

"Ugh, fine. Give me a couple minutes."

"Ok, I'll meet you on MY bus."

"You know it's just as much mine as it is yours."

"Yeah, yeah..."

"See you in 5," I replied. I left the room and went to my bus. I changed into a baby blue tank that matched the bandana and a black skirt. I put the bandana on and headed to "Justin's" bus. As I approached I heard loud voices.

"Don't start leading her on, not again-" I recognized JC's voice.

"I gave her a gift, I doubt that's gonna do anything."

"J, be careful. You know how she feels," I heard Hayley add in.

"And she knows how I feel." I couldn't eavesdrop anymore. I opened the door.

"That looks cute, it brings out your eyes," Justin commented.

"Thanks," I replied. "Can we go now?"

"Yeah," JC replied. I noticed JC give Justin a "warning" look. The four of us left the bus and got in a limo. We headed to the after part. There were a lot of people at the party and they were giving me lots of positive comments. I wished Maureen and Allison were there to hear them. Later that night my cell phone rang.

"Hello," I answered.

"Hey Kat, it's Allison."

"What's up?"

"We got a call for an appearance and interview on MTV, it's to help us get our name out."

"When?"

"When we get to New York with Nsync."

"Ok, that's cool. Did you run it by Lance?"

"No, we can't get a hold of him. Can you call? You always seem to get through."

"Ok, I'll see you later."

"Bye," she replied.

I continued to enjoy myself. Justin and I definitely had an awkward moment when the club played a slow song.

"I really do love her," he stated.

"I know," I replied.

"Do you?"

"Yes."

"Sure?"

"It sounds like your trying to convince yourself more than me."

"See, you don't really know," he insisted.

"Yes I do."

"So what are we going to do?"

"What we've always done. Pretend like it's all ok and that you love her."

"Ok then."

"Don't worry about it. Besides I think Lance would kill both of us if we did anything."

"What's going on with you two?"

"He's my manager, that's all he can and will ever be. I mean, he's a friend and all, but that's it."

"Does he know that?"

"I don't know."

Later that night we all climbed onto our seperate tour buses. Watching JC and Hayley say goodbye was always difficult so I said a quick good bye and didn't watch them. I was on my bus talking to Allison and Maureen when Justin came on.

"Your coming with me tonight, Kat." He stated before I had anytime to protest I was being picked up and carried off the bus. I was not set down until I was safely on Justin's bus.

"Um, darling, why am I here?"

"You said this was just as much your bus as mine...plus, Jace is gonna need someone to cheer him up."

"I can't help him."

"Oh, but you can."

"How?"

"I'm not sure...Actually, I want you here."

"I want to sleep."

"Then I'll talk to you while you sleep and yell at you later for not remembering."

"What's wrong?"

"I was wondering how long it was going to take before you asked that."

"Well?"

"Come in the back with me." I followed him into the back section of the bus and sat down on the couch next to him. "I think we need to talk about the conversation we had earlier."

"Which one?"

"About us...and Britney."

"J, I know you lover her. I know that and I know you look at me as a friend, trust me, I KNOW."

"But if you know then why would Jace..."

"JC isn't an idiot. Sometimes you do send mixed signals but that's ok. I know deep down my place with you is as a friend. Anything that happens with us, like flirting, is completely unintentional and innocent."

"How did you know about the JC thing?"

"Because you guys talk WAY too loud sometimes."

"Oh...sorry."

"Don't worry about it."

"I just want you to know that you mean a lot to me and I value your friendship. I know sometimes you feel like a third wheel. But your support means a lot to me and I'm really glad you're on tour with us."

"Not a problem. I hate to be rude but I need to get back to my bus so I can sleep."

"Ok, I'll walk you back."

Just as we stood up the bus started and moved forward. I sat back down and looked up at the ceiling.

"Guess you're sleeping her tonight."

"I guess so."

The other four members entered the back section of the bus.

"It's another tour!" Chris yelled. Even though they had been on stage for over an hour and they still had a LOT of energy.

"Whoa, Kat's here." Joey said.

"We are quite the quick bunch," I replied sarcastically. I wanted to go back my bus and sleep. I could feel my eyes burning. If I didn't get out of there, and fast, I was going to break down.

"Is there anyway I can get to my bus tonight?"

"I doubt it. These guys aren't sympathetic on the first night," JC stated. I saw the look he gave Justin and I stood up.

"I need to go to sleep. I don't care, I'm gonna try." I walked out and walked past the bunks and sat down at the "kitchen" table.

The tears couldn't be held back anymore. I heard footsteps behind me and I put my head down on the table. I could tell from the footsteps that Justin was approaching me.

"No luck?" He asked. I shook my head but I didn't lift it from the table. "Can I sit down?"

"Whatever," I mumbled.

"I didn't think stealing you would make you this upset."

"It's not that," I replied finally lifting my head up.

"Kat? Sweetie, please, don't cry." His thumb dried my tears and he smiled at me.

"I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Are you ok?"

"What do you think?"

"That you're not ok. What's wrong?"

"You love Britney and you always will. I will always be the friend in the corner, used only when Britney is out of reach. It's not the fact that you don't love me, it's the way I feel so...so...used sometimes. Like tonight, I was there with YOU because she couldn't be there. I was so naive when I thought I wouldn't lose you to her. I think it's finally set in."

"Is that what you think you are to me?" I nodded and he wiped away my tears. "Kat you are wrong on this one. You know I love you and I would do anything for you. I can't compare you to Brit because the relationships are two COMPLETELY different things. I can promise you that you will NEVER lose me to her. I know sometimes when the three of us are together you may get the cold shoulder but, Kat, I don't see Brit that much. Seeing you cry right now and knowing that I am causing this pain is killing me. I NEVER want to be the reason you are upset. Please, believe me when I tell you I DO love you and I won't leave you. Nothing is more important than your friendship. The girlfriends will come and go but, you, will always be there for me. You always have."

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't apologize. You think you're ready to go back there and hang with the boys?"

"Yeah," I said. Justin stood up and walked over to my side of the table. He helped me up and embraced me.

"Don't forget what I just told you."

"I won't, I promise."

We walked towards the back room and when we reached it Justin and I sat down on the couch. The guys were joking around and playing video games. I laid my head in Justin's lap and quickly fell asleep. However, I didn't stay asleep for long. The laughter of the five men around me woke me up. I didn't move and kept my eyes closed, hoping I would be able to fall back asleep.

"And what would Brit think of this cute little scene?" I heard Chris's voice ask.

"Nothing. Chill out guys, this is KAT we're talking about."

"Exactly!" JC replied. "I warn you about it because you wouldn't stop anything with her. The two of you have a tendancy to forget about everything when you are together...J, if you aren't careful, her and Brit will end up crying."

"She already does."

"Brit?"

"No, Joey, Kat does. She thinks Britney is stealing me away. If the girl only knew what went on in my head." Justin replied as he started to run his hand over my hair. His touch was soft and caring.

"What is going on in your head?"

"Confussion. I do love Britney but when I think about my future I see Kat there, but not Britney."

"Well that's because Kat is a friend. It's always easy to see friends in your future," Lance stated.

"I guess so," Justin replied.

"Should we give her a bunk or the couch?" Joey asked.

"She can have my bunk. I'll hang here," Justin stated.

"We need to get some sleep," JC said.

I heard random mumbling as the voices of the four men got farther away. Justin was still sitting on the couch but he eventually slipped off the couch. He was about to pick me up when I spoke.

"No," I said and opened my eyes.

"No?" He asked, with a halfsmile.

"Stay with me."

"You don't want a bunk?"

"I want you...just not like that..."

"I know." He took the blanket and laid it over me. I heard him walking away.

"Justin?"

"I'll be right back," he replied.

When I woke up the next morning Justin was sleeping peacefully next to me. I wasn't on the couch. He must have carried me to his bunk. Luckily he had a bottom bunk which meant the extra weight wasn't an issue. The space was tight and my body was pressed up against Justin's. I heard JC mumble as he walked by the bed Justin and I shared.

I thought back to what had been said last night. I looked at the man sleeping next to me and I saw a man that had changed so much. I still remembered the day he made up his mind to leave me, and everyone else behind.

The reason it pained me to watch him walk away when he was 11 years old was because it was at that moment I knew I wasn't a part of his dreams.

Watching him sleep peacefully next to me made me want to cry. He was so calm and relaxed. I would have given anything to be able to get into his head and know his dreams. Justin had often haunted mine, but was I ever a part of his? Would I ever be? Or was I destined to be the friend forever? Maybe he saw me there in the long run, but Lance was right. It's easier to see a friend in your future. Justin's eyes opened and I smiled at him.

"Kat," he whispered. I looked in his eyes but didn't speak. "Promise me, you'll never leave me."

"I promise...why do you need my word. You should already know I'm not going to leave you."

"I had a dream...I don't want to talk about it."

"Ok, how about we get up and eat breakfast?"

"Good idea," he said and kissed the top of my head.

Justin acted weird all day and when we reached a stop I stood to leave and go back to my bus.

"Don't go, Kat."

"Justin, what's wrong? You've been weird all day."

"Please, just...stay."

"Only if you give me a good reason."

"I don't want to lose you."

"J, I'm going to my bus. You aren't going to lose me."

"I just..I had a dream, where I let you leave my sight and you were taken away. You met some guy and you ran off with him. I know this sounds completely crazy but...I don't know.

"I'm going to my bus. Bye for now." I left and as I walked toward my bus I felt bad for walking away. Why was Justin so upset about a dream where I met some other guy? Nothing made sense to me but I knew that I was in his dreams. Maureen and Allison gave me a cold look when I came on the bus.

I'm sorry, I didn't expect him to drag me off like that. The buses were moving by the time I finished talking to him. I'm sorry."

"Sometimes I think you're only here to spend time with THEM. I mean, how often do WE do things as a group?" Allison asked.

"Look, I'm sorry but it's not MY fault I'm friends with them. And it's not like you guys ever try to get out. You also wanted to sign with Lance and you knew perfectly well how close I am to Justin so don't make it look like it's all my fault."

"Well, we are a band. Maybe you should spend more time with us," Maureen suggested.

"Fine, that's not a problem," I replied just as JC came on the bus.

"Kat, Justin needs you. He's having a panick attack because you walked away."

"I'll be right there," I replied and turned to look at Maureen and Allison. They looked unhappy but Justin needed me. I left the bus and went onto the Nsync bus.

I heard Justin's panicked voice when I got on the bus.

"She just walked away. She KNEW I didn't want her to leave but she walked away anyway. I've lost her. It's all over."

"What's over?" I asked him.

Lance turned around and Justin looked up. Justin's blue eyes were a deep blue. I saw his eyes and my heart fell. Whenever Justin was upset his eyes would seem to be a deeper blue.

"Uh...nothing. What brings you back?"

"Oh, this pathetic curly-haired guy I call my best friend...I made him a promise and I keep my word."

I saw Justin begin to relax and the pain left his voice. Although I had already heard enough to bring back painful memories...