The first answer is easy and somewhat obvious for those who truly know me well. For some odd reason the wiring in my brain has become all muckered up and various forms of servitude brings on all sorts of wonderful emotions and feelings for me. As much as i would love to say i am a kajira, i know the truth is, that i am much more a submissive than a true kajira. The word �subbie� is tossed around Gor as if it is one of the most foulest and nastiest things to call a someone. It is used often times as a way to demean a person or as an insult... though for me, the truth is i can not seem to bring myself to bow down before any and all Men as a �true Gorean kajira� should.... there has to be some sort of connection there, some level of respect.. and respect is something that is earned.
With that said, i move on to the point in question.. how do *I* feel about serving a Man. ((namely One that has already earned my trusted respect))
It is an incredible high, one that is hard to explain. It makes me nervous and trembly as well as makes my heart begin to race with an odd and unexplainable joy. To hear the words of praise afterward, or just to watch the look on His face when He is pleased... there is no way to describe that feeling. As far as r/l matters go, though i have been blessed to be able to do little things, and still get a rush from it, to date, i have never really had the opportunity to serve a Man who is aware of who i am deep in my soul, or One who has recognized His place over me in the same manner that i see him.
Recently i have become involved with a man. We have had a few conversations on the matter of D/s and M/s sharing my thoughts and viewpoints, as well as his. Fortunately, he is not so close minded as to not listen even though at the start, he was 100% against the ideas of slavery. He, like i did in the beginning, immediately thinks of slavery of 200+yrs ago, the harshness, and the cruelty not truly understanding the depth of love and devotion that is involved. That at least for me, is how i am and how i see things. I know that there are some that serve mainly out of respect, out of duty, and while i have done that both online and with my ex r/l there is no real heart involved. It is little more than having/being a paid servant doing so because you have to, not because it really does anything for you. And though i get a very small amount of joy from that kind of serving it isn�t anything at all like the feelings that overwhelm me when i have feelings for the person i am serving.
What it does for me when i serve from the heart... i truly can�t explain. His response in how he accepts my service is what will motivate me to wish to continue or to move on, so to speak. If i have failed to please in some way i do want to know how and why and how better to do something in the future. It is how *He* handles me/the situation will dictate how i respond to the correction. In that way, i am no slave at all but i am human, with a very tender heart. I truly *want* to please and please well but if spoken to overly harshly, or in a condescending way i will either shut down and block myself off, or i will retaliate and stubbornly refuse to do anything. I wish i knew how to fix that about myself. How to make it so i eagerly accepted whatever correction was given in whatever manner it was given in. Perhaps i have been on my own too long without someone to truly *make* me obey. Those who start out wanting to �make a kajira� out of me have all given up and didn�t wish to spend the time or energy on me. ~shrugs~ i dunno, maybe i truly am just a spoiled subbie brat.
The question was on how do i feel about it. Under the right conditions there is nothing like it in the world to compare it to. The other day, he was over for dinner and when it was time for him to go i went and got his shoes from by the door, kneeled before him and helped get them on and tied for him. He smiled as he looked down and told me �you don�t have to do that�. I just smiled back and responded �but i want to�. He smiled down to me as i put them on for him, tightened them up, then tied them. Such a very small act of servitude, but oh my gosh, did my heart just soar It was all i could do to keep back the tears and to refrain from bending to kiss them... weird?.. huh?? I couldn�t explain it to anyone if i tried. I don�t know the words to clearly show how it made me feel and how his simple smile caused me to want to do more and more. Afterward, i crawled forward just a bit. He opened His arms to me, i rested my head on his belly. He just gave me a huge hug, kissed the top of my head and said thank you. Such a small act of servitude, such a seemingly small bit of appreciation, but there are no words in the world to truly describe that glorious moment in time. I can only pray that there will be many more of them in the days, weeks, months, and hopefully years to come.
How do i feel about it? I think it is an awe inspiring thing and under the right conditions there is nothing at all like it in the universe. |
