Personal Experiences with Bells and Facial Palsy
It was the day of the Spring Equinox in 2001, and I felt catapulted into a new era of my creative life. I was designing a website for my new job in the Travel Industry; I was learning Chinese Brush Stroke painting, and writing songs with the inspiration of my Tuesday night music group. I was in the middle of recording my first CD; my lifelong dream. Best of all, I was newly in love!! I don�t think I had ever been happier.
It was in this state of bliss that I was cleaning my apartment, and spraying my white sofa with pungent upholstery cleaner. Jim, my new boyfriend who lived out of town, was coming to visit me in a week. I wanted everything to be perfect. I thought nothing about breathing in those noxious fumes while I was cleaning my sofa.
The next day I woke up, and my lip was tingling when I tried to apply lipstick. Later that day the right side of my jaw felt inflamed. I thought I had an abscess tooth, so I made an emergency visit to my dentist. He took x-rays, and said nothing was wrong. That morning, at 3am, I woke up with excruciating pain and when I looked at the mirror my right eye was stark open, and that side of my face collapsed. I thought I had a stroke, but a neurologist told me it was Bells Palsy. In most cases Bells Palsy is a temporary facial paralysis that spontaneously heals in six to eight weeks. That was not to be the case in my situation.
My world was as collapsed as my face. My music group fell apart. I tried to go on recording my CD, but had to lift my cheek with my hand. It didn�t work. I just couldn�t enunciate certain letters. I was in a lot of physical pain, and had to drive to work holding my eye closed with one hand, and the other on the steering wheel. Clients couldn�t understand what I was saying. I drooled when I ate. My boyfriend tried to be supportive, but he lived in another city, so he could not be with me. I didn�t want him to see me anyway. I could not smile. When I tried, it looked like I was sneering. The relationship collapsed as well.
After a month or so passed, I tried to get back into a �normal� life. I went to a club to hear music with some friends. Because of the nerve damage, I had to hold me ears because it was painful, even though the music wasn�t that loud. I closed my eyes, because the smoke bothered my one eye I could not close. I felt invisible. I was not used to feeling this way. I am 5�10�, and have a strong presence. A wave of compassion came over me for people who live their whole lives this way: feeling invisible.
I descended into a dark period of my life. What I had considered to be my greatest assets were gone: my beautiful eyes and smile. I was exhausted, felt ugly, and didn�t care if I lived or died. I was inconsolable. I didn�t think I could ever perform music again, let alone finish my CD. Sometimes I would not bother to shower for days at a time. I ate nothing but comfort junk food, and gained weight. Friends tried to help me, but they just didn�t understand. Occasionally I would make jokes about myself, but that wore thin as well.
Finally, I found a support group online and got all of my feelings out. I poured out the cesspool in my mind, and got amazing responses. It helped other people feel free and supported enough to face their emotional issues and loss of self-esteem that comes with having Bells Palsy. I felt like I was part of a family. Through them I learned about various modalities to help me regain my smile and get my facial muscles to work.
I tried Botox before it became a popular cosmetic procedure. It did not help me because my face became even droopier. I tried Acupuncture, massage, vitamin therapy, chiropractic, and prayer. With each success or failure I would write about it to my support group. They would cheer me on, or give me hope and understanding. I also learned that when my damaged facial nerve grew back, it got re-routed. The result of that is, for example, when you try to smile, your eye closes. Through time, I healed some more, but also had to accept the fact that I would never totally get my smile back, and facial tension was a part of my life.
Then the terrorist attack of 9/11 happened. It woke me from my self-pity and I was moved to write a song about it. I performed it at a Red Cross benefit for the families of the victims.
I went back into the recording studio and recorded that song. It was still difficult, but slowly I recorded more songs. One day I realized that the people online had never seen me, and appreciated me as I am. I had learned to look past my face; or rather to face myself, and found my inner beauty. In gratitude I wrote a song called �You Can Always See Her Smile�. It was the final tune on my CD. It is a song about facing challenges and finding hope. I have gotten feedback from people who say that the song speaks to them and has inspired them. I am grateful. I started seeing a homeopathic nutritionist, and started taking care of my health. I changed my diet and lost weight. I emerged as a more compassionate person.
On October 19, 2003 I had my official CD release party at a theatre. It was well attended, and I felt celebrated, and my dream was finally fulfilled.
I will still never have my old smile back, but I have learned to smile in a new way.
Click to see the lyrics to the song I wrote: "You can always see her smile"
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