Sometimes too much pride can ruin a relationship. Too much pride can be dangerous to people who cannot see the both side of things. The tremendous burden it can give to people is so crazy one relationship can go to waste in an instant. Years of friendship, marriage, and closeness can just disappear with a single swipe of hand of pride.

Ever since I was a kid, I never wanted to give grief and shame to her. When every single one of my friends seemed to go a different path, I never followed. When all the friends I know where about to do something stupid and childish, I thought about my consequences before I commit such a shame to her name. When all my friends where having kids themselves, I know I couldn�t put that burden on her and to be disappointed. Never did I in my twenty-five years on this earth can give damage to her credibility. To this I thought of my consequences before I acted on my actions.

When I almost defended myself to my stepfather who�s totally asking for it, I never drew a hand. I clench what fist and dignity I have and bit my tongue so I wouldn�t say anything to hurt her. Even telling her that what ever happened between him and I, I�m always wrong and she would never take my side so no gap or strain can be put in their relationship. I put myself last on everything including my pride. I went away after that. Not knowing where my future will bring me, I still took that risk just to be away from it all. So I couldn�t do any more damage of uneasiness in their life. I went to the farthest place I could think of and I was temporarily happy.

When I was a child it would always kill me for her to find out my grades. It always killed my soul to see her cry because of it. I stayed home most of my childhood years. Never making trouble and having friends because of it. Always the outsider that I am, I became antisocial in a way. I always had my shyness to surround me. Never realizing what it can do to me in my later years. When there were days I never left my room, which was a clear sign of depression. Where unhappiness was not uncommon to me. With all of these, I still took my caution to what I might do and sink into my own illusions. And never did they ever talk to me if I had anything bothering me in any day. The cries of my childhood I kept inside me and forever will haunt me for the rest of my life.

She never knew that when I was at my lowest that I wished never to wake up the next day. That before I went to sleep that I prayed to God to end all my sadness. Being most the recent, she never knew that when they went over the weekend with their friends out of state that I dreamt of such horror that I sleep two days in dreams. With a bottle of liquid and stones of candy in my hand I was bound to dream forever.

I never listened to other people. When most of her friends stopped seeing her and when her honorable lolo Genio talked behind her back like a stabbing spear that it sliced my heart just to hear them. I never told her because of fear of hurting her. I wanted to tell her the truth so she can understand and might resolve her dilemma but I know I just couldn�t. I wanted to prevent a possible conflict that can arise from her action but I know she wouldn�t listen. I told her so many times to make up with my sister because it�s sheer nonsense can only damage their relationship and it did. And through all of these, the only person that�s loosing is sky. But all of it means nothing to her. Blame was put on me, I felt mocked, self esteem low, even anger went my way that I never deserved, but I just kept myself in there never leaving her side all this time.

When I was in the Philippines my horror followed me. When I was doing what I was told I was scolded and put down so much that rain fell upon my cheeks every dawn. When I was accused of untrue accusation of turning my uncle�s house into a motel, she never took my side. I felt so little like a fungus that I just drowned myself in my troubles. So many things were happening to me at that time that my only place of happiness turned into grief. Not only I was harboring the pain of loosing a friend, girlfriend and my Love but I was also fighting my own past. I was loosing everything each day that passed that it almost killed me.

But with all of these, nothing was enough. There was this saying that I can�t seemed to forget; �A child is like a pigeon. Everyday they go out to play, one day it will just be in the yard. The next will be over the roof. And the next day it will be over the fence. Until one day that pigeon will play and it will go out there and you will realize that it�s bound never to come back.� At anytime of day I could leave without a doubt. I can, but I continue to stay. In my life where I could have left forever, but I�m still here.

I realized so many things this week. Kind of depressed me in a way. I wanted to share this with someone but i can't for some reason.

Last night�s practice was tough. We were at the gym until 12:30 a.m. Were preparing for the East coast tournament in Jersey this year. Practice has been great and good. I still need some conditioning to do though. I was hoping they would have the tournament in FL so it will be a vacation at the same time but I guess not this year. This tournament is pretty intense because people from the PBA played here. Over all, the challenge will be big and competitive.