thought

Friday June 20, 2003 @ 12:56 am
"a sad dream"

There are a lot of things in my mind lately. I had a dream about a person who Iï¿½ve been trying to forget. Itï¿½s a weird dream but in a sense it fits the idea of the truth. I dreamt that I saw her waiting for a bus or something like that and sheï¿½s with someone else. As I take a closer look there, she was with a smile in her face as I seen a thousand times before, when our time was still fresh. She looked happy and content talking to that person. Her hair still smooth and long as I remembered it like yesterday. And then, I woke up.

What can this dream mean? Or maybe I know and I just donï¿½t want to think about it. Itï¿½s funny how sometimes, when someone close to you moved on and your tying so much to pretend that you're ok with it but your not. You know that sheï¿½s happier now then ever and you're happy for her, but its just not the same because its not with you. Itï¿½s one thing to accept that she moved on, but itï¿½s another thing to accept that the chance of you and her will never ever be possible. Knowing that a chapter in your life has ended without any continuation for sure is going to be something enormous to carry. A dream sometime tells you what might be in your head. Consciously, you know that a part of you must move on but the dream makes you realize that truth. Its just up to you how you put it.

I'm ready to let go!

June 18, 2003 @ 1:55 am
"how can I"

How can I explain how I feel for you without scaring you away? Is there some way I can express to you how I feel without overly stating my case. How can I tell you that my intentions are real and true without sounding like it came out of a pick up line? I want to tell you that Iï¿½m falling for you but every time I try my heart goes into an arrhythmia. My heart palpates like drums out of a Broadway play. Saying those words to you is like me trying to recite Shakespeareï¿½s play in a room full of people. Its funny how I can be on TV and sing in a karaoke show but then itï¿½s so hard for me to tell you how my feelings for you have grown. How can I?

June 14, 2003 @ 11:09 pm

ï¿½To Love Againï¿½

Is it possible for someone who lost the urge of romance to feel once again? Is it possible for a heart of stone be once again revived and soften to the sound of love. Is there a possibility of someone whoï¿½s been hurt that he vowed not to risk his heart once again, to feel? Is there a possibility that he can meet someone and be moved by the very essence of her voice, as if he was born a new. Is it? Can it be true? Whatï¿½s the possibility? Can destiny put someone in a person's life that he would never be the same again? Can destiny once again move a heart that's been still for the longest time. As if a statue had come into life because of someone simple smile, laughter, and voice. Is it?

Can meeting someone special make you feel butterflies in your soul. Can someone grow on you so fast that you miss everything about your conversations. Can love really be revived oneï¿½s heart that seemed frozen in time. Can it?

I think I'm falling for you!

Friday; June 13, 2003 @ 11:26 pm
"NETS"

I am so mad the NETS lost. Its unbelievable! Not only their in the brink of loosing it all, but they might loose Jason Kidd if they end this season without a ring. Grabe!. I couldn't see the final 2 minutes of the game because of how bad they played. San Antonio Spurs Sucks!.

Thursday; June 12, 2003 @ 1:45 am
ï¿½sleepless nightï¿½

Itï¿½s raining and I can't sleep tonight. With the pouring rain across my window and droplets of water sprinkling into my room, I canï¿½t sleep at all. Iï¿½m just listening to the words of Brian Mcknight. I guess its just one of those nights. As Iï¿½m watching the rain, I keep thinking of why people are drawn into something that they couldnï¿½t possibly posses. The notion that the grass is always greener on the other side is such a clichï¿½. People are always thinking that thereï¿½s always a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But once you get there, you know that itï¿½s only an illusion, that the grass is not always greener but dried as well. Itï¿½s just some illusion created by your imagination. People tend to find things thatï¿½s lacking in their life that they tend to forget what they have. Itï¿½s sad but itï¿½s true.

@ 10:50 pm
"Quality Programming"

I watched PBSï¿½s ï¿½Frontline World: Stories from small planetsï¿½ again just now. Iï¿½m starting to like that show. They do documentation of stories around the world that you wouldnï¿½t normally watch on TV. Tonight their stories range from the serious democratic situation in Venezuela, to the SARS situation in Asia, to the documentation about a play in India about Bin Laden. The stories they have in the show were very informative and interesting in a way that no other shows even close to display. Sometimes the news today gets so compact and blurred from the truth that itï¿½s not even a good source of information. Watching this show gave me a closer look on whatï¿½s really going on outside the world that Iï¿½m living in with in dept facts.
Itï¿½s interesting how Venezuelaï¿½s economic situation resembles the Philippines. With their famous president Pres Chavez to the living standards between the poor and the rich, Its in a way to me hints how two different countries have the same problems. Venezuela, had the same assembly of people to oust the president which in a way somewhat their version of the People Power. Though unsuccessful in with their attempt, It gave them unity and democratic freedom. But the most similarity that I noticed was the social classes and the way politics played a role between them. Itï¿½s such a horrible thing to do to people just to win political positions. Like the Philippines the Venezuelans have their own underclass people and like the Philippines, they display the same characteristics on their views towards economical issues. Itï¿½s crazy how they have so much in common that itï¿½s not even funny.

Saturday; June 7, 2003 @ 2:00 pm
ï¿½sudden breezeï¿½

I woke up with a sudden gladness that Iï¿½ve never felt in a long time. With a smile across my face, itï¿½s hard to hide it. A friend of mine asked me whatï¿½s up as we went to play ball today. I just said that I feel like a sudden breeze had flown into my horizon this morning and I couldnï¿½t distinguish for its reason. But somehow I did. I felt tired but in a good way. Lost of sleep seemed normal. I donï¿½t really know exactly whatï¿½s going on but I know Iï¿½m not in some kind of a drug. Another thought, maybe I am but a different one. Not an illegal but natural. Even now Iï¿½m still thinking about it and it just puts an unexplainable smile within me. (cï¿½,)

Friday; June 6, 2003 @ 12:20 am
"Friday Five"

1. How many times have you truly been in love?
-truly inlove, just once.

2. What was/is so great about the person you love(d) the most?
-That no matter how bad things got she was always there to lend a hand and understand. She didn't hesitate to listen or argue if needed.

3. What qualities should a significant other have?
-Simple, A good heart!

4. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
-Sad to say but yes and not proud of it.

5. If there were one thing you could teach people about love, what would it be?
-That true love does not happen by chance, but by choice. Fate brings people together, but it's still up to them to make it happen. There is definitely a special someone made for everyone. It's just up to us to make the choice if we're going to do something about it or not. We may meet our soul mates by chance, but loving and staying with that person is still a choice we have to make. Go, choose to love and make it happen!

source: Fragile Emotions by Anning

Thursday; June 5, 2003 @ 9:02pm
"gym"

I went to the gym today. First time in 8 months. wow! I guess its time to get back in shape and get those six packs ready for the summer. he,he..

to do list:
1. buy something for my boss as a retirement present: DONE
2. Go to the post office and send a present to.. : DONE
3. Get a haircut: DONE
4. Go to the gym: DONE
5. Install my new speakers to the computer: DONE

@ 11:03pm
As I was watching TV this evening, I came across this documentary on PBS. The name of the show was ï¿½Frontline World; News from small worldsï¿½. The first documentary was about the MILF in the Philippines. I didnï¿½t quit catch the whole thing just the end of the documentary and it ended.

I was about to flip the channel to another station when I saw a glimpse of the following documentary to follow. It was about the journalist that covers the fightingï¿½s between Israel and Palestine. I was intrigued by the danger that these journalist face in their daily life. One Palestine journalist was shot several times when he was taking videos outside the streets of Jerusalem. This was truly disturbing due to the fact that you can actually see him bleed to death. He was shot in the head and while he lay on the floor bleeding he was again shoot two more consecutive times. He luckily survived this. I donï¿½t know how but he did.

Another journalist was shot as he was taking photographs of the daily occurrences between the Palestine and the Israeli army. He was shot in the lower left quadrant of the abdomen. He was lucky because the bullet almost took his life. You can see him lying on the floor while heï¿½s putting pressure in the hole in his stomach and the other journalist trying to help him. The irony of this event is that he himself is an Israel citizen. He just happened to be with a group of Palestinian reporters at the time of the shooting. The danger that they put up just to get the truth out to the public was considerably high. The graphic of these images was truly shocking and disturbing. But no matter how disturbing it got, the truth was more devastating. Sometimes you donï¿½t even recall what they are fighting about.

Another documentary right after the story about the journalist was the discovery of television in Bhutan. Bhutan is a place of peace and beauty. Itï¿½s untouched civilization represent the kind of place you can only read in a book. The people wear their traditional clothes with their traditional life. Buddhist pray their daily rituals and people continue to live their life in peace. But then came the television. For the price of $5, people can view about 35 channels. This was a surprise to some people because some of them never saw a television before much as cable television. With its cartoon network to WWF wrestling, this was all new to them. Some embraced the television with glad and some with a frown on their face. I was laughing when I saw this kids mimicking the wrestlers in WWF. They even had their championship belts and whatnot. One kid was summer slammed by another kid while being held by his friend. I couldnï¿½t stop laughing through the whole thing. Another impression that I noticed about the people of Bhutan is that they spoke perfect English. Some better than the people that grew up here with their ï¿½Ebonicsï¿½ and their ï¿½axingsï¿½ instead of ï¿½askingï¿½. In the end, the impact of the television was not so negative as some might perceived because with television they saw how lucky they are to live in such a place where peace and tranquility is part of the daily life. Through television, they saw how cruel and devastating the outside world could be.

Wednesday; June 4, 2003 @ 12:04 am
"rain"

Itï¿½s raining today. I used to love it when it rains. Taking a walk in a mid afternoon from school. The shade of gray of the sky seemed to illuminate everywhere due to the incoming storm. The leaves of the trees swaying like a dance in a play. I love walking while the raindrops above my head falls slowly across my hair. Itï¿½s one of those things in life that makes you feel the power of nature beside you.
Thingï¿½s have change for some reason. I usually anticipate the incoming of a storm but now it gives me a whole different approach. Before I used to walk along the rain, now I find myself taking cover from its sheer breeze. The mood that it used to set changed. No longer I find it easing, relaxing, and romantic. Rain sets a mood of a storm to come. Depressing? Maybe. No longer a haven for childish nature but a memory that compels my child within. Maybe itï¿½s just a phase. Maybe Iï¿½m just waiting for a change of pace in my life. For the one who will give me the hope I once possessed. Rain, itï¿½s a wonderful thing.

"rain"
the more I accept reality,
the harder it gets to forget,
accepting and realizing what cannot be,
is one of the hardest thing within me.
Knowing that I cannot go back and turn the hands of time,
The more I want to.
From the most simple things in the world,
To the most complex,
Nothing compare to how uncertainty things get.
Strands of memories,
Starting to fade on its own self,
But still, the nights still cold,
Long walks still lonely,
Days always long,
and minutes seemed iternity.

Friday May 30, 2003 @ 6:11 pm
ï¿½Rotationï¿½

Today, I help save three lives. The lives of the people that would not be present at this very moment without the intervention of the EMTï¿½s and Paramedics.

It all started 7 a.m. this very morning when I came for my first rotation. I had to wake up 4:30 a.m. just to get to Long Island College Hospital in Brooklyn. I took the F train to get there and walk a couple of blocks. As I took the walk, I notice the nice weather, nice houses, apartments and thinking itï¿½s going to be an easy day today without knowing whatï¿½s at in store. With the beautiful sunshine in the horizon nothing can dismay this very day. Thatï¿½s what I thought anyways. It was in my perception that all Iï¿½m doing today would be watch and observe to what the EMTï¿½s are doing and take notes. That was true in theory but I wasnï¿½t prepared for whatï¿½s to come.

It was 7 a.m. when I got to LaGuardia Hospital. It just took about 5 minutes for our first call. Introduction werenï¿½t even present. I just heard someone said, ï¿½Just hop on the bus and let's goï¿½. With the siren roaming the streets of Brooklyn, I was expecting for a comfortable day. Lol. Our first call wasnï¿½t even supposed to be hectic. We were responding for a man about to jump off the Verazano Bridge. But to my surprise, a cop called us, due to an accident just a block away and this was no fender bender. This was a chain reaction of cars struck in the rear and front end of the vehicle. One taxi stood out of this disaster. The taxi struck a tree causing itï¿½s front end to be total wrecked, smoke coming out of the car, and deployed airbag. This was called a blunt trauma. We checked the patient for consciousness. He was verbal but unresponsive to our questions. He was saying something but all I heard was hhmhmhm-ahamhmhm. I was asked to check for Vital signs by Karen the other EMT Carlos. This is not their real name of course to hide their anonymity. I did what was asked of me. I heard an argument between my two partners about to what to do to extricate the patient from the car. Karen seemed somehow resembles a person that doesnï¿½t know the proper procedure at that moment. I had to step up and help my other partner to put the patient into a KED and then in a long board. I felt the stress and the pressure to perform properly and accordingly because there was a lot of police, firemen and the supervisor at the scene. As we load the patient to the ambulance I help took the vital signs and my patient assessment. I spoke to the patient and it became clear that heï¿½s more aware of his surroundings. We got him to the ER and he was treated for his injuries. At long at last I felt relief and a good job well done. I was even congratulated by my partner Carlos.

Another bus arrived needing assistance to unload its patient. I was thinking, that this shouldnï¿½t be that hard. When they opened the door of the ambulance, I saw the most enormous woman in my life. I believe she was about 450-500 lbs. The lady had those big, huge, humongous feet with dry skin and open wound in her toes. I quickly grabbed my BSI ï¿½glovesï¿½ to avoid direct contact. We had to carry her to the ER and load her to the bed. This was not an easy task at all. I think I dropped a little of my body parts as I was gripping the life out of the stretcher. Lol.

After a few minutes had passed, we had another call. Not even enough time to rest fully. This call was about a construction worker dropped from a second floor hitting his head in a metal structure. By the time we got there the ALS was already at the scene. I was asked to help out in the procedure. I told myself another Trauma patient. As I got there the patient regained consciousness and able to verbalize how it happened. But still, heï¿½s in the stage of possibly unstable patients due to his injury. This was right. By the time we got to the ambulance his eyes started to dilate and his pulse was rising. We stripped the guy off his clothes because we might have to do CPR. I looked for more injury bellow the legs and checked for perfusion motor sensory. As we got to the ER it was a cool feeling because itï¿½s like a scene out of a movie or a show. I was about to look for George Clooney for cheese sake!

My third call was not that bad. We had a boy with a sprained left foot and transporting him was a breeze compare to the ones before. As we about to be done for the day, we were on our way to home base until a pedestrian flagged us. We stopped and saw this person lying prone to the ground. No sign of movement and we were told by the passerby that he fell while walking. Figure that out yourself. It was a case of bandaging the boo-boo and transporting him. Until we found out in our patient assessment that he was not responsive to our questions. I administered the oxygen and wrapped his wounds. The patient was a bit weird because while Iï¿½m doing this he was looking at me funny in a way that made me uncomfortable. We put him on the stretcher and loaded him up in the bus. Karen told me to take his vital sign coz I think she didnï¿½t want to touch the patient at all. So I guess it was up to me. I had to go almost over the patient to reach for his right wrist for radial pulse. I couldnï¿½t check it at his left due to his abrasion and I guess due to excessive usage of crack his arms started to swell. All was fine until he started to have a seizure and this is not good at all. He startled me coz I was so close to him that if we hadnï¿½t restrained him in the stretcher, he would have knocked me out in a single motion. It was like that movie ï¿½ Sevenï¿½, when the police discovered a body of a male thinking that it was dead until it started choking in his face. I felt the exact same way at that very moment. I was surprised that I almost jumped off my feet. We left him in the ER with the care of the medical Doctors and nurses.

That was our last call of the day. With all the activities, I was tired and exhausted. My feet and back was killin the heck out of me. But I was thinking that it was in all the days work and I gave myself a pat on the back. He,he. I never felt so good about a job well done. My body was tired but my heart was satisfied and proud of what had happened today. My supervisor was so glad for my help that I got a great review on my report. He said he was going to put a good word for me when I finish the EMT course. This to me was great but I have plans just in case. As I was leaving I was congratulated for my good job. They were glad because not all the student that went in their rotation actually does work. Most of them just stand in a corner and observed.
I treated myself for some nice cold frapuccino (tama ba ang spell?), and I read some pages of my book and I went home with my chin up high. I wanted to share this moment with someone dear to me but I donï¿½t think my call will be welcomed for that matter. So, I will just kept it all to myself and to my journal. I had a long, exciting, stressful, confusing, and intense day, but with a smile on my face when it was done. (cï¿½,)

Tuesday; May 29, 2003 @ 1:14 am
ï¿½Love in time of Choleraï¿½

I went to Barnes and Noble today to buy a certain book that I've been meaning to buy like forever. I finally did that today. At first I had trouble finding the book coz I couldnï¿½t remember the author and I still canï¿½t remember now. He,he. Oh well. As i browsed the shelves, there it was, the last copy of "Love in Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez". It was the only copy left and it was a hard copy. I didn't care if it cost me an arm and a leg to get it, i just had to buy the book. After I paid my book I tried to get a seat at Starbucks so I can start reading. But to my surprise, there werenï¿½t any chairs available. Sunavuhb!. I had to go to Flushing cos thatï¿½s where they have another branch. I took the train and on my way I saw this lady. She was probably in here late 60ï¿½s. The reason I noticed her was due to her clothing. It was weird because it seemed she's out there in different world or something. If you know what I mean?. Iï¿½m not the type of person that judges someone for how they look, but there was something about her thatï¿½s different. She seemed a person thatï¿½s stuck in here own time but with age. She looked pretty and with a hint of class for her age. If she werenï¿½t wearing what sheï¿½s wearing I wouldnï¿½t probably think so. I was thinking maybe in her days she was one hell of a girl. Maybe there was a reason sheï¿½s like that. Maybe some handsome artist broke her heart back in the day and couldnï¿½t recover. Or maybe, she just gets the kick out of wearing funky clothes and feels like sheï¿½s young again.
But anyways, as I got to Starbucks, I bought my coffee, I sat down and I started reading my book. An hour, two, three hours had passed by and I was still there reading. Until this person that works there asked me if I can leave because their were closing. Shit! Itï¿½s ten oï¿½clock at night. I was so caught up with the book that I lost track of time. Thatï¿½s it.

Tuesday; May 27, 2003 @ 2:27 am

"for a friend"
D is thinking in the middle of the day,
Writing a sonnet she doesnï¿½t intend to play,
To a person she hasnï¿½t seen for a while,
But all sheï¿½d written is a Dear and a hi,
D is having thoughts of things that went bye,
Sheï¿½d tired and confused,
Wheeling of the possibilities that may lie,
Possibilities of whatï¿½s in store,
D is thinking of a letter she wouldnï¿½t send no more

ï¿½still awakeï¿½

Itï¿½s almost three oï¿½clock in the morning and Iï¿½m still awake. Iï¿½m trying to finish this book that Iï¿½m reading. Iï¿½m so hooked into the story that I cant stop reading it. I just cant put the book down until now. I thought I should take a break and take my time to write in my journal while Iï¿½m at it. My eyes are falling asleep but my brain is saying to keep reading. Itï¿½s so damn addictive. The book is going well. Iï¿½m almost finished with the novel. The plot is getting more interesting by the pages. D you should really consider of buying this book that I told you earlier. He,he. Well anyways, Iï¿½m gonna try to finish as much as I can. Damn! I canï¿½t believe itï¿½s almost three a.m.

Monday; May 26, 2003 @ 1:11 am
"pool"

I took some pictures today for my portfolio. I used up about 5 rolls of film. This hobby is starting to get to expensive. But anyhow, I picked up John so we can play pool in Millennium. I was winning in the beginning of the match. I think I got four straight wins in a row. But after my seventh Corona the liquor started to kick in. I lost six straight times. Girls are all over the place. Thereï¿½s this one person that look all too familiar to me. She reminded me of someone I knew from my past. I wonder if sheï¿½s thinking about me like Iï¿½m thinking about her. She had the same dark hair, slim body, contour of the face, itï¿½s almost as if I knew her from before. Memories are such a wonderful thing. Lol. I drove my friend home. I couldnï¿½t have my top down because it was drizzling outside. We saw a bag on the road. We stopped in the middle of the highway to check it out. We were thinking that it was money inside it. Could it be? Could this be a bunch on dought dropped off by the mob or something. As I stopped the car to check out the bag, I saw a bunch of leaves that resembled something illegal. Shit! it is. Itï¿½s a whole bag of M. I got out of there as fast as I could. I ran the car 60 miles per hour in 7 seconds. I felt like I was in a train or something.
Iï¿½m seriously thinking about dialing a certain number but i know deep in my heart that i shouldn't. I'm just goin to complicate myself. Although this moment seemed common, i know I shouldnï¿½t. I know Iï¿½m just going to disappoint myself and feel sad about it. I can't go back to that feeling anymore.

Sunday; May 25,2003 @ 2:32 pm
"late"

It's late and i just got home. The movie was good. Alot of action and special effects but the story was kinda weak. But I guess it's enough to be entertained. I still wanted to play pool but itï¿½s 2 oï¿½clock in the freakin morning. I know that when i get home i'm not gonna be able to sleep until 4 am.
Iï¿½m becoming such a book worm. Last week I went to the library to barrow some books. They were giving away free books, so I came home with seven books in my hand. Iï¿½m reading a book named ï¿½The Man who wrote the bookï¿½ by Erik Tarloff. Weird title huh. The beginning is very interesting. Itï¿½s about a Professor in his late thirties looking for some direction in his life. Thatï¿½s how much I read so far. I kept on reading that in the train this morning and thatï¿½s why I missed my stop earlier.
I brought my camera with me today but I couldnï¿½t find any good subjects and I didnï¿½t want to waste any film. Though there was this sales lady in the Filipino store but I wasnï¿½t about to ask her if I can take some snap shots of her. But anywho, its late so Iï¿½m gonna go to sleep.

Saturday: May 24,2003 @ 6:32 pm
"movie"

My day started with my plan to return the video that i rented yesterday. Its been a while since i rented a Filipino movie. The movie's name i think is "Ngayong Nandito ako" by Kristine H. Itï¿½s not a bad movie. It started pretty corny in the beginning but it ended nicely. I canï¿½t believe i watched it through the end. lol. The story of the movie was pretty familiar to some extent. Kinda relate to it in some way.he,he.
But anyways, letï¿½s get back to returning the tape. I was supposed to take the no.7 train in Flushing but due to construction i had to re-route to the Long Island Railroad. I had to freaking wait for it for 20 min. good thing i brought a book with me. I was into the book so much that i missed my stop. I had to go all the way to 33 street and transfer to get to Roosevelt ave. I stopped by Fil-Am to buy some ensyamada. I probably bought their whole entire supply of it. When I got home I got a message from John and I think where goin to watch Matrix Reloaded. Just have enough time to write in my website. I guess I'll be back later.

Friday; May 23, 2003 @ 11:45pm

"just thinking"
It hurts just to think of you,
your smile, your laugh, the contour of your face,
the way you remind me of my faults,
the way you remind me to level my foot on the ground,
never to loose track of what matter most,
that's what i missed about you.

It's worse walking at night thinkin of the past,
thinking of the things that happened in a year that didn't last.
pieces that i left off, all gone,
i tried to pull myself together,
but i dont have the strength to hold on,

still, i miss thy face, all too familiar to me,
the breath that gave me life,
the heart that gave me, me.
till this day, 8 months have pass bye,
still i miss half of my life,
half of my heart,
half of my soul..

-Journal entry-
"Camera"
Today, i started to edit my page. Hopefully i'll be done by next week. Things in my life have been well, not the way i wanted it, but, its fine for now. There's still alot in my mind but i'm trying not to think about it. I've been going out alot these days. Trying to occupy my time. I bought my first 35mm camera yesterday. I almost fainted when i payed the money. It cost me about 4oo bucks for that sucker. Well, hopefully i can put it to use next week. This is it for now. Ciao!