Friday, January 11, 2008 I've made it through the first seven chapters of editing. It's going pretty well, but I'm getting kind of frustrated with it. When can I just be done? Ahhh. Not that I don't like my novel, and not that I don't like editing--I actually quite like both. Maybe I'm suffering from burn out. I'm also kind of sad because once I've finished editing, there really isn't anything left to do. :\ Maybe I'll get it printed up on Lulu just so I can have it and read over and over again obsessively. Haha.

Monday, November 19, 2007 I am so ridiculously excited to go home, it's almost unbearable. I'm skipping pchem right now for really no good reason other than I just didn't feel like going. So I'm sitting in the UC study room doing absolutely nothing productive... Oh well.
I'm thinking of all the delightful things I can do at the airport and on the airplane. It's so nice to just have the time to chill and not do anything stressful. I could:
1. Work on my novel
2. Watch episodes of Avatar
3. Read the book that I started on the plane here
4. Watch movies on my laptop
Sounds nice. :D

Wednesday, June 20, 2007 I have lately been suffering from a horrible lurchy, achey, pangy feeling in my chest. I want a boyyyyyyffriendddddd. </end pathetic>

Wednsesday, May 2, 2007 I am sitting in bio lab, listening to ridiculous presentations. There was a time limit of 15-20 minutes, but NO ONE has a presentation to last that long, so everyone is just talking ridiculously slowly and trying to drag it on as long as possible. It's gotten to the point where even our TA keeps cracking up as people go off on completely unrelated tangents. Ohh, what a wonderful use of my Wednesday afternoon...

Monday, April 16, 2007 This semester has really not been good. I feel like I've been repeatedly screwed over, sometimes by myself. I feel so petulant and I know I sound ungrateful, because obviously my life could be far worse-- I think today's events at Tech have made that abundantly clear. Yet, I am by no means a particularly lucky person. I guess I'm not super-likeable either, which is fine, I've gotten used to the fact that I will never be very popular. I'm never quite sure what I do wrong, but then, if I did know that, than I doubtfully would still be doing it wrong. All my carefully wrought plans seem to be falling apart, and I can't handle it. What am I going to do this summer? I feel sick just thinking about it. I can't go back to the probate court. I really think it would kill my spirit. I'm not trying to be melodramatic. It would depress me, plain and simple. I couldn't bear it. Even if an alternate job ended up being just as bad, not knowing that it was going to be bad would save me a lot of headache. Why am I not good enough to do research? What more did they want from me? I try. I really do. I have thrown myself into my academics. I have put every ounce of effort and determination that I have into my grades this semester. I'm being stretched so thin, and it isn't paying off like I'm used to. Last week's multivar exam just crushed me. I studied so hard. I felt so confident. But then, I just couldn't do it.
I've been broken. It wasn't that hard to do. I don't know what to do now. I feel lost.

Saturday, April 14, 2007 I've been more than a little bipolar lately. Last night I had a ridiculous, sudden burst of happiness when I went outside to go for a run. It was like something unmistakeably wonderful had happened somewhere in the world, and I was feeling an echo of it somehow. A similar, but more subdued, feeling hit me when I was walking back to my dorm tonight. I suddenly felt the urge to start skipping, and skipped all the way down the Sunken Gardens and back to Landrum, not caring who saw me and thought I was deranged. Now, I'm more melancholy and self-examining, though. I think sometimes that I get my hopes up. I try to convince myself that I am happy being alone. That I don't need other people around, that I can be productive and busy all by myself. It gets hard though. I don't like sitting alone in my room when all my friends are out at formals or date parties or progressives. I hate that I skip more of my sorority parties than I go to, but I don't know what to do about it. I need a best friend. I've always had one. It seems to be lacking suddenly. Let's see, Shawn was my best friend in preschool. Annie in Kindergarten. Mycah in first grade. Lydia second and third. Ana in fourth. Liz Trexler in fifth. Leigh sixth through eigth. Caroline ninth and tenth. Suzanne through the end of high school. Is it strange that I can recite that so easily?

Rachael's comment on Thursday really stuck with me. I think she realized that it stuck with me too. She commented again today. Why is it that I never have boys? I'm really not a particularly shy person. I had absolutely no problem flagging down that group of boys in CW. I guess I just don't know what to do. I'm too focused. And really, if I had to say what was more important to me, getting into medical school or getting married, it would be medical school. Although that thought is highly depressing. I hope I get both. My stomach hurts.

My family got home from the Bahamas safely. I'm very glad. Travelling always worries me.

Monday, April 9, 2007 So, I was contemplating (always a bad sign) and it occurred to me that I should probably change my password. I've been using the same thing for everything since I was 11, and it feels unsafe to me now. The really important things, like my bank account, and school registration stuff are all safe, because they require capital letters and numbers and such, but things like this website, and facebook... Things that would be a pain if someone broke into them. Well, it's worth contemplating.

When I woke up this morning my voice was all hoarse and funny sounding. I was trying to sing along to a Dixie Chicks song, and I sounded croaky on the low notes, and my voice just disappeared altogether for the high notes. Very amusing. I've mostly gotten it back now though. Madelynne was laughing at me. I hope I don't really get sick. A sore throat and a lost voice is one thing, but I need my energy for this week. I have sooo much to do, and I really need to do well on my math test! Le sigh, I should go to physics.

Friday, March 23, 2007 Sometimes, I really hate myself. When did I become the girl who can't get a date? Why am I the girl who always feels like a third wheel, and leaves the party early so she can go to the library? At least I have my tests as an excuse.

I really do want a boy.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007 I suddenly feel like a burden. I only wish I knew what I did wrong.

Thursday, February 1, 2007 :\ I hate when I get into these pointless funks. Ambivalent and generally mopey. Today was fun though. I only have two classes on Thursdays, which always makes them nice, and then it snowed today, so Alex and I wandered around CW and took pictures of the pretty scenery. Cori and I had a dinner date, which was fun too. So why am I mopey?

Monday, October 9, 2006 He wrote on my wall!! *happy dorkiness*

Monday, October 2, 2006 And once again I have caused a perfectly good conversation to spiral into awkwardness. Hahaha. I just love myself. Really. I always seem to later realize what I should say during awkward lulls, but at the point when such realizations would be useful (AKA right now) I am drawing a complete blank. Embrace you inner nerd, Carlin. Don't let yourself get frustrated...

Saturday, February 4, 2006 I guess things don't really ever change, do they? At least people don't. I've heard it said that it's impossible to change another person, but I think it's also impossible to change yourself. Perhaps I just don't try hard enough. Maybe I have changed, but it hasn't been in the way I'd hoped or expected. So few people really understand me. Does it take 18 years to build up the familiarity that I crave? Why am I so multifaceted? Not in a good, multi-dimensional, interesting way, but in a confused, bipolar, two-faced sort of way. Why am I so obsessive-compulsive? And what is it about the month of February that brings that out in me??

Saturday, January 21, 2006 What the hell is wrong with me today? I've been completely bipolar. An hour ago I was completely homesick and now I'm in an okay mood again, except that I just feel a little weird. I just want to scream. Really, really loudly. It would be quite relieving. My shoulders and neck are all tense and ick. I need to loosen up, but I don't know how. :\

Thursday, September 29, 2005 Women are supposed to have really good intuition, but I think mine sucks. I'm so bad at reading people. Maybe that's why I've never had any kind of relationship. *sigh* I really wish I knew what I did wrong. So socially inept. Eggggh.

Thursday, July 27, 2005 Nerdy excitement. I just looked at the booklist for my Shakespeare class, and saw that all the plays we're reading are one's that I've never read before. Julius Caesar being one of them, which makes me happy. I'm so excited for this class, and I don't even know why exactly. Oh well. Maybe I'll work on my novel a bit... I haven't since school let out.

Saturday, June 11, 2005 I just don't want to deal with any of this anymore. I just want to get away from here. Everything is too complicated, and it's too late to change any of it. This summer is going to be my shortest yet, but it's going to seem to take forever.

Friday, May 13, 2005 Wow... Today has been useless. I'm not sure why I bothered waking up this morning. You'd think it would be cool, having absolutely nothing to do, but it gets rather tedious and boring after a while. Three of my classes are watching movies, and the rest are tutorials- one is actually a tutorial. Track is craziness, and I'm babysitting until Sunday. This weekend is going to be bad. My lit groups is trying to film our project, and I just can't be there this weekend. Gah... There's a US History class here, and they are so annoying. Esh. I am so tired, which is ridiculous, because I've been getting decent sleep. I need a Gilmore Girls fix...

Tuesday April 12, 2005 Ate a lot yesterday, feel slightly queezy. Lunch is too early today. Although, it's actually later than usual, but after only one class instead of three. It's tres weird, and I'm not even slightly hungry. Two more days until season three!!
Monday, March 21, 2005 Three and a half days until Spring Break. *I can do it...* More people are starting to get into W&M, which is good because it means my info packet should be arriving shortly. They're pretty much all from Virginia. I don't think a single out-of-stater (but me) has posted on the lj community. Heh. I'm getting antsy waiting for everyone else to find out where they're going to school, particularly Meg because she applied to so many places. Fourteen was the final count? Maybe Fifteen? It's ridiculous. Haha.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 I ended up not having that Euro test, which was good, even though I did read the chapter before I went to class. It's tomorrow, and I hope I do well, because my term tests haven't been all that great lately. The senioritis has completely set in, and it's not like I thought it would be. It's not like I'm purposely slacking off because I know I'm into college and want to be lazy; I just don't care anymore. I'm so burned out. My classes are still really hard, and I can't do some of it, and I don't want to put all the effort in. It's kind of sick and twisted that the hardest semester (5 APs? I'm on crack) is happening when I care the least. Oh well, at least nothing matters after May.

Friday, March 11, 2005 I can't remember if I have a Euro test next hour or not, which isn't a good thing. I also left my rough draft of chapter 8 at home, so I can't type it up, which I really want to do. I have to present in 6th hour today, and I'm terrified. I also have to do the review on Speciation in bio, and I don't think I did a very decent job of the powerpoint. Oh well.

Thursday, March 10, 2005 So the Phantom on Tuesday was spectacularly amazing. I am absolutely in love with Raoul. God, he was soooo cute. And his voice! *sigh* He was the understudy too, and I'm glad I got to see him and not the real guy, because he was incredible. And I love him. *melts* Haha. Everyone else did a really good job too. The Phantom was much more satisfactory than the guy who played him in the movie. Our seats were really good too! We were in the front section, in the middle, and the people sitting in front of us left after the first act, so our view of the stage was completely unobstructed for the second act. It was a really great night. I love Phantom, it's such an amazing show. :)

Tuesday, March 8, 2005 Woohoo tutorial. I've been really useless this hour, although I did go through a bit of my Invisible Man chapter again. I'm really nervous about that presentation. There's a really Neanderthal-looking guy sitting next to me, which is a little weird... Anyway. Brown Hair est bona... Ooh, and the Phantom is tonight!! I think I'll go home and run on the treadmill a bit, then shower and primp for the play. Tres exciting, even though I'll be exhausted tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 7, 2005 125 again this morning, although I didn't get quite as excited about it. It's hard for me to tell if I'm really losing weight, or if the scale is just weird. I don't really have a good starting point to base myself from either. I'd been using 135, but I don't really think that's right. I mean, at some point I may have been, but not recently. Not since the summer at least. 125 is good- if that even counts. It's only in the morning, with no clothes on. When I weighed myself with my blue jeans, it was 128, and I know that clothes don't really count, but when they weigh you at the doctor's and stuff, they weigh you with your clothes on. I just don't feel like I've lost 10 pounds. My pants are all too big, yes, but they weren't exactly skin-tight before. So, I don't know. 120 would be fantastic, and 115 is my ultimate goal. By this summer, I want to be 115, and if I continue at this rate, I just might make it.

Saturday, February 5, 2005 So, I'm at the Szymanski's, listening to Nicole's music. It's interesting. Archer and David are downstairs watching TV and I haven't heard a word from them all night. It's been rather delightful. I just pigged out ridiculously on ice cream sundaes and cookies and pringles and such. But I went running again today, so it doesn't matter. Haha. I want to try and run again tomorrow. Maybe I'll go for another really long one. Yesterday's run was spectacular. Ok, so I'm watching another movie w/ Nicole. Au reviour.

Friday, February 4, 2005 My mother essentially told me yesterday that I need to lose weight. She was like, "I'm the same height as you and in high school, I fluctuated between 118 and 119. When I was a freshman in college and got so fat, my very highest weight was 135." Which is precisely what I weighed over the summer. Whatever. I really want to get to 120. That would be amazing.
I noticed yesterday that none of my pants really fit anymore. (I think my butt has shrunk. I wish it were my stomach.) I can't really decide if that's a good thing. I mean, I'm glad that I'm losing weight, but I don't have the money to buy new clothes, so I look all baggy. Ick. Tuesday, February 1, 2005 I love February because it's so short. Haha. 200 days until college... I need a little countdown code to put on my lj... I'll go look for one later, I suppose. My hands are really cold, and I'd sit on them or something, but I can't, because I'm typing. I was thinking this morning about how much better Junior year was. I had more fun, and I miss it. I'm tres excited for college, but now I can't wait to get there, and I'd rather be happy where I am for the time being. C'est la vie.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005 The beginning of a new semester. My last semester. That's a little strange. No more gov, no more econ. That's magnificent. I'm sitting in Computer Apps, a class that I anticipate being significantly easier than its predessesor. :) Life est bona once again. Midterms didn't get to me quite as much as they did last year, which is a definite plus, although, I may have done a lot worse on them, which is a definite minus. Oh well.

Friday, January 6, 2005 Wow. 2005. It just feels fantastic to write it out. I'm in econ again. God, I will definitely not miss this class when it's over. I've felt like I was in middle school again. No studying, annoying people, teachers that just don't want to deal with it. It's a pain though, because I did need to pay attention for the most part. And do the work. But still, just like middle school. Next semester will be better; tutorials are magnificent. I realized today that I'm unable to do math at home, although I think I've known that before. I just admitted it today. I can't wait for my tutorial. Maybe then I'll start to understand my math hw. Oh well. It's Friday. Finally. This week has been hideous. I just need a weekend, even though it will be chock full of studying and bio labs. Agh. Suzanne and I are hanging out tonight, which should be fun. I wore my W&M sweatshirt today, which was nice. It was like my formal announcement to the world that that's where I'm going next year. Even though hardly anyone has heard of the school. Whatever. It says 1693 on it. So it makes me happy.

Thursday, November 4, 2004So, lj is blocked on the school computers, which is tres annoying. At least I get to utilize this lovely blog, I guess. Hum. I was shopping on Tuesday and Express (where I got this really cute sweater) was playing x-mas music, and tying up their carrier bags with satiny red ribbons. Even though I know its a bit early for such festivities, it made me pretty happy. I love the holidays. Everything is cozy and warm and nice. It always smells of pine and cinnamon, and it means ski season will be following close behind. Mrs. Wilson gave me White Christmas yesterday too, which further instilled the 'holiday spirit' into me. Too bad it's not even Thanksgiving yet. Ah, well. It's difficult enough (Ok, really difficult) so I may only just figure it out by (or after) Christmas.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Militant Vegans
Circle I Limbo

PETA Members
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Bill Clinton
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Goths
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Scientologists
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

General asshats
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle VII Burning Sands

Osama bin Laden
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Democrats
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell



Saturday, October 9, 2004 Happy Birthday, Tereza! The Saginaw meet was today, and since I always write after Saginaw, I thought it appropriate to write a post. I was really upset when I heard that we were switching courses, but it ended up not mattering (even with the addition of the hill.) I'm one varsity time down, one to go. I'm so proud of myself for getting back to where I was last year ability-wise. I was so much worse at the beginning of the season. Anyway, I don't have quite the ecstasticness of last year. If I ever break 22:23 again, then I'm sure I will. Today was funny though... I beat Jess and Brittney, which has never EVER happened before, although I know they were both having a tough time. It was a little weird... Whatever. I'm so tired, and very satisfied. My parents are taking Archer and I to dinner tonight, which should be nice. That doesn't happen very often.

Friday, September 10, 2004 School's in. *sulks* I'm in econ, which is the most useless class. It could be interesting- if I had different people in my class. Currently, I'm in the computer lab, and Vinny is sitting next to me, gazing at pictures on the FHM website. It's sickening. He is such an ass. Ugh. So, we have Algonac tomorrow- the true beginning the cross country season. It shouldn't be too bad. It'll only be in the low 70s tomorrow morning, and the majority of the run is in the shade. Still, the part in the field is usually pretty hellish. Oh god, I am never sitting at either computers 22 or 23 in this lab ever.

Thursday, June 10, 2004 School's out. *Does a happy Snoopy dance* I'm going to miss this year though. Mrs. Roarty and Mrs. Norris were two of the best teachers I've ever had. I don't know if next year will be able to compare. My schedule for next year is going to be crazy. So many APs and those ridiculous independent studies. I don't know what I'm going to do. *sigh* I think I'm going to get a pop...
Ok, so I stocked up the little mini fridge too. It was running dangerously low on tasty beverages. And I ended up with a Hawaiian Punch instead of pop; there's only so many diet pepsis a girl can drink before she gets bored (and worried about that cancer-causing stuff...) Whatever. Je tres bored. But getting paid for being bored isn't too bad. I answered my first phone call too- but it was only Christine. Heh. Ok. Perhaps I'll go work on my ill-fated novel.

Sunday, May 9, 2004 Byron hugged me. I don't know that he's ever done that before.

Friday, April 2, 2004 Wow... Long time no write. I've been rather neglectful lately it appears. I'm sitting in physics, with my desk pulled up the computer because all the chairs are taken. It's not all that comfortable, though I am sitting sideways and not trying to lean over the desk in order to reach the keyboard. Recently I've become reimmersed in the HP fandom, rereading AtE, RfA and the like. It's kind of funny, because ever since OotP and AtE's end, I've cared quite little about it. But I suppose with the movie coming out soon, and another endless wait for the next book, I need to do something. I've also (very strangely) only read OotP the one, very rushed time at camp. I've hardly dissected it at all. I'm planning on reading it to Archer to and from Florida this year, though. And that will provide me with ample time to analyze it (and parch my throat). I am tres excited for what's becoming the annual trip to Florida. It'd be nicer if certain people didn't come along, but I won't let her ruin my fun. I'm heading up to Birch Run tomorrow to stock up on appropriate summer attire. Should be a good time ;D

Monday, February 9, 2004 Haha.

Would you survive a horror movie? Find out @ She's Crafty
Tuesday, January 20, 2004 Midterms are really taking a toll on me this year. I've never been overly stressed about them in the past, but these year I feel entirely overwhelmed. I had physics today, and I'm really optimistic about the outcome. I only had to guess a few times, and I wasn't rushed for time at all. Latin was a tad bit shady, but whatever. Everything about that class is magnum umbroso. I'm listening to OAR's Untitled again. I really like this song, and I don't know why, exactly. I haven't the slightest idea what it's about, but it has an appealing tune and rhythm (at least to me), yet at the same time it seems a bit sad. I heard Blue Rodeo on the radio again today- keep in mind it was on the Canadian station- and it made me tres happy. They are such a wonderful band, and I'm happy they're not wildly popular; I love getting all excited about hearing them on the radio, and that wouldn't happen if they weren't a random Canadian band. As of now, Dana is planning on trying out with Bad Timing for a solo in Pierce's spring concert (Dana changes her mind every week). I'd love it if she sang it; it doesn't sound at all bad with her slight country twang. Plus, if she bought the music, I'd have BR sheet music, which would be fun to try and play.

Sunday, December 21, 2003 I decided to completely clean out my room today. My closet and drawers were getting much too crowded and unorganized. While clearing out one of my dressers, I came upon my voyager rugby. I put it on, and I feel so nice and cozy. I'd forgotten about it, and I can't believe I did. It's making me sad all over again, but I don't mind.

Thursday, November 27, 2003 It's so stupid. I didn't care (too much) about not being able to do Oddysey next year until today. I was just talking to Jack and I realized how much I miss everyone, and how horrid I'm going to feel next summer, knowing that everyone is on the trip- and I'm stuck in Grosse Pointe. I decided to get a job and try and make the money myself. But when I went onto the AYF website to check costs, I discovered that the trip was full. And then I started crying. It's so stupid- but I want to go more than anything. And nobody understands.

Monday, November 3, 2003 I hate those arguments where you know the other person isn't wrong, but they're not right either, and no matter what you do, the argument will never end. I just feel so defeated right now, and wonder why I bother working so hard at all. Besides my own ridiculous self expectations, of course. It's not even the expectations anymore, it's the habit. There's nowhere to go once you've hit the top, and even sustaining doesn't look as good as continuous improvement. My entire life is being dictated by a group of people I'll probably never meet. Actually, scratch that, it's them, and my grandfather, sitting all high and mighty in his simple Lewiston home, unaware of the tears he's forcing me to cry as I ponder the years to come. Life-in-the-moment is so good, but I don't know what to do with all the thoughts of what's to come after the moments. And what's with the quick, pulsing headaches I've been getting today; my lack of enthusiasm when it comes to sleeping? Waking up is easier, but climbing into bed at night has never been more difficult. It's not fair. We both want the same things, but no matter what, she continues to be the logical one, while I stay childish and hopeful, angry at the truth, and wondering why no one ever notified me years ago. Why did they get me the books, and continue to waste my time; they new their tutoring would raise my expectations along with my hopes. Apparently the current prospects never fully burrowed in. The reality only fully impacting when Byron left. And isn't it lucky that he was so stubborn and can't be used to further my argument, instead of being just another gray detail.

Tuesday, October 8, 2003 Ibuprofen is a livesaver. Really. My hip hurts so much from Saturday and yesterday. Anyway, I'm in tutorial again. I don't have anything to do (except math homework...). I wish Meghan had gotten a pass today. Silly her. The school has blocked all the websites for games- which means I can't play Isketch! *indignant gasp* It's a cruel, cruel world.

Saturday, October 4, 2003 I've got some crazy estasticness going right now. I can hardly go five minutes without breaking in to a grin. And making some obnoxious happy-squeaky noise. Today's meet was so incredible. The weather was so perfect- it was gorgeous and sunny and very cold. I ran in spandex and a long sleeve t-shirt and I was the perfect temperature. I was a little nervous that I'd overheat, because I'd never run a race in spandex before, but I didn't. It was lovely. The varsity ran very, very well too. Maggie came in first on the team this time. I love how the varsity rotates like that- no one person wins all the time. Emily McLaughlin ran really well today too; it's crazy how fast the McLaughlin girls are. Anyway, I'd been excited for this meet for weeks. I remember sitting at the Catholic Central meet, and thinking *only 2 more weeks until saginaw!* Heh. So, I started the race off today feeling really excited, although my right hip hurt like a bitch, and that was worrying me slightly. I felt a little off in the first mile. My hip was bothering me, and I just felt tired- but I kept telling myself, *Stay near Libby. Stay near Libby* because she was just ahead of me. As we entered the woods in the second mile, I could feel that something changed. I felt incredible, and light. And kept pushing myself to go a little faster, catch the next runner, and not let anyone pass me. I didn't feel as good in the third mile, but I continued to try to stay near Libby- although she'd pulled ahead a little bit. As I came down that small hill into the final straightaway, I felt so good. I knew I'd run really hard, and I continued to push myself all the way in. When I saw my final time, I was completely estatic: I cut off over a minute!! So many people ran so well today, it's incredible. Suzanne broke 23 (Yay, gold jerseys!), and Taylor cut off about 30 seconds. I just loooove this meet.

Thursday, October 2, 2003 Library. Tutorial. Sleepy. Agh. I had to tape my earring shut this morning, and the piece of tape is sticking into my neck. It's rather uncomfortable- but at least the earring is staying on, and the tape is rather unnoticeable. We had our college counselor meetings this morning. I hope my social studies credits are Ok. I didn't take Civics freshman year, and that may screw me up... *sigh* The school has blocked isketch from our computers, and I really wanted to play.

Thursday, August 28, 2003 Welcome back, Runner's High. Today's meet was hot, sunny, horrid weather, and I feel lovely. Hmm. I'm going swimming later. Lovely again.

Friday, August 22, 2003 We had the time trial today, it was all right, I guess. I didn't do very well, but I didn't do badly either. Better than last year at least. I really want to break 22:00 this year- it would be sooo cool. I'm really excited for the season to really begin. I'm rather pleased that I don't have to worry about competition so much. I run for myself. Sandy, Tereza and Kat were rather complaining about the speed of the underclassmen and their 'competition'. I couldn't care less at how fast everyone else is running- I just want to break 22:00 this year. Actually, scratch that, I do care how fast other people are running, because I want them to do well too. Agh, nevermind.

Saturday, August 16, 2003 So, I spent a relaxing week in Gaylord. It was nice. We went jet skiing and tubing on Lake Charlevoix and such... I drove a lot. Everywhere. I drove the 4 hours to Gaylord and the 4 hours back. Plus, to Boyne, Mackinac, and all the other places I was forced to chauffer people. Well, semi-forced. Having the car was nice, but I didn't really want to drive home today. Whatever. It was so lucky that we picked this week to spend up north, what with the power failure and all. I hear it was like living in Hell back here. We were on Mackinac Island at the time... Hmm. Anyway.

Friday, August 8, 2003 I'm sorry.

Thursday, August 7, 2003 I'm having issues with Xanga, which is where I actually feel like posting right now. But perhaps it's for the better. I do feel like I've been neglecting my poor site lately. Anyway. I was sitting at my desk today and I noticed my little sachet of sage was sitting next to the keyboard. I picked it up and smelled it and noticed with a bit of sadness that the scent of the sage is fading. I was like it suddenly reminded me that I'm home. I went back and read the last few entries of my journal, and I got that dull pain in my chest that people equate with their heart hurting. I miss everyone. I remember walking away from them the day camp ended; Archer was pulling on my right arm, guiding me away... And all of a sudden the tears that hadn't been coming flowed freely down my cheeks. I sobbed the entire way to the car. If I can't do Oddysey next summer, if I don't see these people again... That dull chest pain can only get stronger.

Thursday, July 31, 2003 I hate not having the courage to say anything, and just want him to figure it out on his own.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003 I never seem to leave very long of entries here anymore. And I don't have time for one right now either. Outdoor Decor. starts in 20 minutes, and I have to pick Kirsten up first. Hmm, I wonder if Puer will be there tonight. And Kat. I definitely need to talk to her. Or Leigh, for that matter. Leigh, who has apparently fallen off the face of the Earth. Ay yi yi.
Later: So, after "driving Kat home" (We drove around GP for 45 minutes before I took her home.) I have gained all pertinent information on the Leigh Enigma. I am much satisfied. We also ranted, rather incoherently, about our mutual affliction. *cough*Puer*cough* It's so sad how totally useless we both are. We plan out ridiculous situations, and unrealistic conversations- things we'd probably never actually do nor say (well, at least I probably wouldn't. Kat's a bit of a mystery on that front.) and we moan and gripe and obsess together. I am so pathetic. Damn you, Puer, for being so completely clueless. I need a plan of action (haha HA!). Or something... It's so never going to happen. And I am going to live the rest of my life privately ranting and obsessing. Damn inhibitions.

Thursday, July 24, 2003 I have to go pick my dad up from down town in like 20 minutes. I'm determined to figure out the CD changer thing in the Audi first though. It's so boring driving with no good music. I got my cell phone earlier today- hooray for me ;D If anyone feels like calling me, the # is 300-7359. Anyway. I don't think I have anything particularly profound to say. Summers usually knock my IQ down about 20 points. Who wants to think when it's sunny?

Wednesday, July 23, 2003 I'm bored. And hungry. Gah. I got my license on Monday *happy!Carlin* and have been thoroughly enjoying my new found freedom. Plus, my dad's been letting me drive the Audi, which is tres magnifique. CC started again yesterday, and I feel so much better than I did last year at this time. I ran the "Hard" workout yesterday and then today Sandy, Christine and I just ran a 3 mile. I don't know if Sandy slacked over the summer, or if I got better, but I was able to stay with her the entire time. Or rather, we stayed together. Augh, nevermind.

Saturday, July 19, 2003 Well, long time no update. Hum. Voyageur was crazy fun. Crazy hard too. It was incredible. I don't know how to feel about being back home. It's weird. I can't believe I'll never see John or Jordan again. There's a good chance I'll never see all my trip-mates again too. It hurts to think like that. Being in Manitoba began to feel so normal. Waking up at 4 AM to canoe felt normal. My life here- my home, my city, my family- seems suddenly abnormal. Walking from 60 bay to breakfast every morning was normal. Singing silly, strange songs everyday felt normal. Living in a cabin with 4 other girls felt normal. I feel out of place back home, and it strikes me as strange. I got (some of) my pictures developed today. Hooray for Costco One Hour Photo Service. Quick and cheap, lovely. Looking at the pictures was so strange. It felt so recent, yet also like they were from a separate life. *sigh*

Thursday, June 12, 2003 Wow. I'm in a rather... unbelievable mood. It's not that my mood is unbelievable, like it's crazy. I just feel like I can't believe anything. Sophomore year is really over. It's gone. I'm... feeling shocked. I go to camp sooo soon. It feels like last week I was canoeing in Ontario, and biking in Wisconsin. I'm feeling... apprehensive. Nervous, I guess. I don't know. One minute, I'm excited beyond belief, and the next... I feel like I don't want to go. I do want to go. But it's so nerve-wracking. My heart feels like it's pounding out of my chest just thinking about it. I know it will go by so quickly, and I'll miss it when it's gone. I'm still missing my trip from last year, so I don't know what's making me so nervous. The same people won't be there, it won't be the same trip. Maybe that's the problem. If I could recreate last year, it would be so incredible. I loved those girls. I miss them all.

Wednesday, June 4, 2003 I'm refusing to update my blog until I get some comments on it, lol. So I'm coming back to this lovely journal. My nose is all stuffy and I can hardly breathe, but at least my throat doesn't hurt anymore. The Track Awards Night is tonight and I am very excited. I can't wait to see the new video! Well, the oven timer just went off and I have to see if there's something cooking that needs to be taken out. Au reviour.

Tuesday, June (!!) 3, 2003 What? Me neglect my website? Never!

Thursday, May 29, 2003 I've been slightly obsessed with my Xanga blog recently, although this one is slightly more reliable. Xanga doesn't always update right, and the HTML gets all screwwy. It's craziness, but fun craziness. I'm enjoying the simpleness of it. It's just fun. Haha.

Tuesday, May 27, 2003 New blog. Subtle Sophisticosity

Monday, May 26, 2003Falling asleep... Must stay awake... God, I am so tired. I'm not sure why I just don't go back to bed. Probably has something to do with the fact that it's 10:15 in the morning. Hum. Suzanne slept over last night and we watched The Ring. It was really creepy. We kept screaming at random intervals and scaring Riley out of his wits. Heh. It was good, though. I went running this morning- well, sort of. I ran to Janet's Lunch to meet my mom and aunt for breakfast, but they were closed. So then I walked/ran with them to the Clairpointe in the village. And then we walked home. So, I only ran like 1 1/2 miles total. Hum, it's better than nothing.

Saturday, May 24, 2003 Do you ever get that feeling, like you must do something, or you'll explode, or pop, or whatnot. But you can't for one reason or another, so you continue to sit there calmly, and eventually you stop feeling exploding-like. I hate it. The best example I can think of is when I'm in 6th or 7th hour, and I just need to get up and do something. But obviously, I can't because I'm in school. It's like urgh! And then I start feeling like I'm going to burst. And then it goes away. It's really annoying. I get it other times to. Makes me want to bash my head on the wall. Stupid over-active mind...
Later: You know how if you don't know what you're missing, you're not supposed to miss it? It doesn't really work that way. I hate that I have to be so vague in this journal. There are things I really want to say, and have people hear. But, at the same time, I'd feel awkward if anyone ever knew. I'm so indecisive. That's my problem. I won't want someone to know something, but if they pry at me- I crack easily. Because I don't really mind when I let people in on my secrets. As long as they are trustworthy and don't go embarrassing me. Hum.

Friday, May 23, 2003 Damn, I just typed a nice long entry, and then it disappeared. I'm not really sure if I feel like retyping it. In fact, I don't, so I'm not going to. I'm going to play tetris.

Wednesday, May 21, 2003 Hahaha. Puer got a girlfriend. lol, I find this truly amusing, though I'm not sure why... I need a summer fling.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003 I don't think I actually have anything to say, so I'm not sure why I'm updating. I'm weird like that. Damn I wish I had a pensieve.

Sunday, May 18, 2003 Seeing The Matrix Reloaded last night took more effort than going to see a movie should. It was rather amusing though. They were actually checking ID to get into the theatre- not just at the box office. And they would not let Kat and I in, even when Isabel pretended to be our older sister. They exchanged our tickets for Down With Love, and as we were walking back to that theatre, we noticed that the "guard" at the Matrix was gone. We bolted inside and sat down. Everything went smoothly after that. The movie's plot was okay, but the fight scenes were very cool :) I really wonder about those choreographers...
Later: It seems like every now and then I go into a *I must change!* mode. I am again, but I think this is different. Really. I'm going to make an effort to branch out. Drop my inhibitions. Be more spontaneous. Stop analyzing everything I do before I do it. Talk more when in situations where I don't know everyone. Act how I want to act. Be who I want to be.

Saturday, May 17, 2003 I'm progressing. Really.

Thursday, May 15, 2003 Suzanne is making me giggle. Haha.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003 Well. Time is slipping by. I'm not sure where it all went. These last few weeks have flown by in a blur. Only four weeks of school left... Wow. It's going to be so weird next year without the seniors there. I know I thought that last year too (and I was right) but it will be weirder this year because the current seniors are still juniors to me! They always will, I guess. Just like I'm perpetually a freshman. Funny how that works. Ah well, I have too many thoughts floating through my mind, and cannot seem to focus on any one of them. I'll just be off then.

Sunday, May 11, 2003 Mirrors are such an oddity... The entire concept of them, and the fact that people scatter them strategically throughout their houses. Americans are really quite vain. I was just thinking about that as I walked downstairs from my room to my basement and passed about three mirrors on the way- being sure to check my reflection each time I walked past. Why should I care now anyway? I'm not going anywhere, and it's not as if anyone in my family cares if my hair is combed or my shirt is clean... (they both are anyway ;D) Anyway. I just thought it was strange...

Saturday, May 10, 2003 Only a month and a day until school is out... Wow. I am so excited! And I'm so happy Dana's going to be coming to Miniwanca too. :)

Friday, May 9, 2003 Gah. I so didn't want to come home. Something about Friday nights just make me want to... not be home. But it's rather difficult when everyone you're with has to go home, and you don't have a car... Ayb. I need a car. I'm not becoming any better of a driver during this lovely wait-until-I'm-sixteen thing. Gah. And I have not completed any of the objectives from my list in the past 24 hours. Longer, really. 34 hours? Something to that effect. Damn damn damn. Nothing ever quite works out right for me. And stupid Latin. My lean-y chair has mysteriously disappeared, but it's not like there's anything (anyone!) to lean towards anymore. Stupid Puer. I feel so unloved. *sigh*
Later: I really want to change myself. But I can't really change my nature, can I? I need like a coach of some sort. Oh there's a logical plan.

Wednesday, May 7, 2003 Hum. I was just dancing in front of the mirror for like ten minutes. It was quite happy. I was quite happy. As I was looking in the mirror, I was like "I feel pretty!" even though I have no makeup on and have not straightened my hair since showering a few hours ago. It was happy. Ladidah. I ran 5 miles earlier. In the rain. It actually wasn't too bad. Suzanne and I are quite nicely matched running-buddies. When we got the corner of Windmill Pointe and Balfour, I was like, *whoa, I'm really far away from school* It was craziness.

Tuesday, May 6, 2003 Did I ever mention how utterly hopeless I am? Completely. I cannot hold interesting conversations. I suck at it. Agh. IWRLM. Figure out that acronym.

Monday, May 5, 2003 You know what would happen if the world loved me? Somebody would randomly point Puer in the direction of the lovely site here *huggles her website*, he manages to hack into the passworded sections (it's possible, I've done it), and figures out the true identity of Puer. *dun dun dun* and he would be like "Wow! I'm in love with Carlin." And then we'd ride off into the sunset. And live happily-ever-after. Ha!
And heading back to reality... Today has been a day of ir-realisms. (word? I think so.) I've just felt like doing crazy things all day- nothing in particular, just being insane and spontaneous in general. You know how in movies the shy kid has a day of impulsiveness, and everything works out great for him (generally, he gets the girl). I have a feeling if I went all impulsive, things wouldn't work out magical- they'd be a mess. But maybe a mess is what I need to bring me back to reality. I've never been horribly embarrassed, and had some big blow up with a friend. Perhaps I need that to get everything out in the open, and then I can gather back the pieces I want to keep, and leave the others... well, out in the open.

Sunday, May 4, 2003 When did I become a giggly, girly teenager? I remember being in about 1st grade, thinking boys were icky, that brushing my hair hurt too much to be considered worthwhile, and promising myself that I would never, ever turn into a teenager Ha, like that worked. It seems all my little head is ever filled with is how my hair/make-up looks, boys (Puer, Joshes, Lacrosse Boys), plans for the weekend, and, very occasionally, a math or chemistry grade. When did my world become the size of a pinhead? Ay yi yi. I'm too tired to contemplate this at the moment... Argh. I can't help contemplating it, I can't stop thinking about it. Or rather, I can't stop thinking about the things I previously mentioned that I can't stop thinking about. (Particularly the second item.) It's horrible. Obesessing. I know I'm hopeless. I don't have enough self-confidence to cover a pin-head (a.k.a. the size of my world). And without that, I don't have a lot of hope do I? Not to mention a chance. Gah. I've begun to annoy myself again, and for the life of me, I cannot remedy it.

Thursday, May 1, 2003 I finally gave up with the utter insanity that is my old "pushing" page. For all you crazy people that didn't know my site from it's early days, "pushing" was the original link for the journal page. You'll find a nice link to it at the bottom of this page if you feel like going back and reminicsing about the past three years. Or just snoop in on my life as of three years ago. It has the same password as this page, to make things simple for y'all. Au revoir.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003 I'm home again and not very pleased about it. Ah well, all good things must come to an end.


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