Beauty and the Geek: Episode 2

by Godeerc VanDrey

with Creedog VanDrey

 

Category: Beauty and the Geek

Genre: Reality, Humor

Rating: PG

Language: English

Summery: The social experiment continues.  With a strong team gone, the teams suit up for new challenges.

 

A/N: Letting Oakleigh and Xander go was hard enough.  I don’t know how I’m going to get rid of another team this week.

 

Beauty and the Geek: Episode 2

 

Brian: (voiceover) What you’re about to see is a social experiment, designed to find out if seven beautiful women and seven geeks can help each other to become a whole lot more…

 

Last time on Beauty and the Geek, we met our new competitors…

 

Anna: (“Aspiring Socialite; Boulder, CO”) Right now, I’m just a waitress, but—you’re gonna laugh and misquote me or something—but my goal is to be like Paris Hilton or something.  You’re laughing!  Stop it! 

 

Josh: (“Video Game Master; Gainesville, MO”) I’m listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for “Most Powerful Computer Built Inside of a NES game console.” 

 

Kayley: (“Miss Louisiana Contestant; Shreveport, LA”) (thick Louisiana accent apparent) I was the first runner-up in last year’s Miss Louisiana pageant. 

 

Aubrey: (“Fashion Expert; Miami Beach, FL”) My role model is Ginger from Gilligan’s Island.  Just her whole persona; I really relate to her.  You got the picture of me in a bikini, right?

 

Kendall: (“Molecular Biochemist; Lansing, IL”) (folds his hand and over-enunciates) So, anyway, when I first saw your show, and I realized my true calling in life was to be a reality show geek.  I am, of course, a Magna Cum Laude graduate of University of Chicago in Molecular Biology.  I split my research projects between my alma mater and Northwestern University.  Also, I cannot get a date to save my life!  I have a terrible time grasping social skills.  I’m a dweeb.  Now, who could be more perfect for the show than I?  Am I in?

 

Brian: (voiceover) …we paired them up…

 

(in the main hallway)

 

Anna: Hi, I’m Anna.

 

Matt: Matt. (they shake hands, walk upstairs and choose a room)

 

(Chris is pushed out of the curtain and walks into the girls’ waiting room)

 

(he introduces himself to Jolie in the foyer)

 

Chris: Chris.

 

Jolie: I know. (they shake hands)

 

Chris: It’s very nice to meet you.

 

Chris: (interview room) When I walked into that room, I was terrified.  And there was this one petite… goddess of a woman.  And there was the brown-haired one. Then a blond one.  The other one was ridiculously beautiful, too.  I’m so awkward.

 

(the four remaining geeks leap from their seats and crash to the floor after Kayley does her bit; they scamper toward the curtain; Kendall pulls ahead, gets up, emits a proud laugh and walks out)

 

Kendall: Kendall.  It’s a pleasure to meet you.

 

Kayley: Pleasure to meet you, too.

 

Kendall: (interview room) I was victorious! (raises his arms and stands up in his chair, prancing around the chair)

 

(Aubrey and Josh walk out and appraise each other)

 

Brian: (voiceover) …and we went through our first set of challenges.

 

(Matt and Anna’s bedroom)

 

Anna: I thought the CPU was the brain of the computer.

 

Matt: Yeah, it is…

 

Anna: I always figured the brain would be inside the TV thing.

 

Matt: The monitor?! (to himself) We’re screwed.

 

(Chris and Jolie’s room)

 

Chris: What are “pilots?”

 

Jolie: Pilates?

 

(the dining room as the girl set up computers)

 

Kayley: Ow! (looks at her nail as she tries to open up a package)

 

(Jolie and Anna look at each other back and forth, typing away on their computers)

 

(Aubrey is staring at the Blue Screen of Death; Josh is banging his head against the wall)

 

Brian: Jolie, yours looks good. (looks at the next page) But so does Anna’s.  We have our winner.

 

(outside as the guys stand between dividers holding up whiteboards with all sorts of alien spellings of “Schwarzenegger”)

 

Brian: Good try, guys, but it looks like only Xander and James got it right.  Which means, we have a tie, four-to-four between Xander and Riley.  Gentlemen, please step forward for the tiebreaker.

 

(near the pool)

 

(a dripping wet Xander grabs hold of the rope and starts to pull himself up slowly, using his arms and legs; Riley jump up and climbs up with a very rigid pace, eventually grabbing the horn while Xander is still only two-thirds the way up the rope)

 

Brian: (voiceover) And Xander and Oakleigh faced off with Kendall and Kayley in the Elimination Room…

 

(the Elimination Room)

 

Brian: Founded in September of 1997, this search engine became one of the most powerful for its ability to find the most coherent web pages based on hyperlinking technology.

 

Kayley: (unsure) Google?

 

Brian: That is correct.

 

Brian: What is the name for an area within the broadcast radius of a wireless network?

 

Oakleigh: A hot spot.

 

Brian: That is correct. 

 

(with the men)

 

Brian: This unit of energy is equal to approximately 4.185 kilojoules and is used in nutrition.

 

Xander: (smiling) That would be the Calorie, more specifically the nutritional calorie, rather than the thermochemical calorie.

 

Brian: Per density, what is the strongest muscle in the body?

 

Kendall: Well, that’s an easy one… (holding his bicep; but swiftly put it down and says plainly) the geniohyoid, (tapping his tongue) one’s tongue.

 

(later)

 

Brian: Kendall, if you miss this question, we will go into the tiebreaker round.  If you get it correct, your team will remain in the mansion.  This exercise program, named after its developer, recommends a variety of precise exercise techniques and was originally called “Contrology.”

 

Kendall: Pilates?

Brian: (long dramatic pause) That is correct. (pauses) Kendall and Kayley are our winners.  Congratulations.

 

Brian: (voiceover) So, Kendall and Kayley emerged triumphant, and Xander and Oakleigh were forced to leave immediately.

 

Kayley: (bawling, runs and hugs Xander and Oakleigh around their necks) See you at the Aftermath party. (she finally lets go)

 

(Oakleigh and Xander somberly exit the mansion with bags in hand)

 

(Kendall and Kayley tiptoe up the staircase)

 

(“I’ve got the brains… you’ve got the looks… let’s make lots of money…”)

 

 

Scene 1: Matt and Anna’s Bedroom

(after peeking in other bedrooms, Kendall and Kayley pop in on the other teams)

 

(lots of screeching and hugging from the girls)

 

Constance: So, Xander and Oakleigh are gone?

 

Kayley: (solemnly) Yep. (breaks down) And it’s all my fault.

 

Kendall: You’ll have to excuse her.  She’s still reeling over our win.

 

Kayley: (bawling) I’m so happy!

 

 

Scene 2: Aubrey and Josh’s Room

(Aubrey paces while Josh lounges on the bed)

 

Aubrey: I did not see this coming.  Obviously, the two immune couples met together.  Matt and Anna volunteered to vote for Xander and Oakleigh so that there would be no hard feelings if they won.  That they didn’t is a surprise in itself.  Kendall and Kayley?  Not an all-together powerful play, but I understand why.  Anyway, we’ve got to start looking at strategy.  As I said yesterday, we’ve isolated ourselves.  We’ve got to make friends.  Anyway, Jolie doesn’t seem the fondest of me, so no sense barking up that tree.  I think Anna and I could relate, though I don’t know how chummy she is with Jolie.  I could probably befriend Kayley; we’re both models.  What about you?

Josh: I’m a video game and computer dweeb.  I could make friends with any of them.  I’ll see what I can do.  You’re really making a big deal out of this.

 

Aubrey: What do you remember about Cheryl?

 

Josh: Well, she was a cocktail waitress from Texas.  Dallas, I think.  Her online profile said she wanted to go into advertising…

 

Aubrey: Well, you’re the exception.  Anyway, the only thing most people remember her for is “1942 is when Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”  She will not be remembered in the long run.  Now, it’s going to be a long haul if we want to win this thing.  I’d be fine just surviving as long as possible.  Maybe we’ll be more apt at the next challenge.

 

(Josh has fallen asleep on the bed)

 

 

Scene 3: Late at night

(Aubrey is sneaking around)

 

Aubrey: (whispering) Okay, what’s behind Door #1? (opens the door into Chris and Jolie’s room) Okay, the hen may be puckish, but let’s hope the cockerel isn’t hen-pecked.

 

(finds Chris and Jolie curled up together)

 

Aubrey: My, my, my… this is an interesting development. (exits; passes James and Constance’s room) Probably not worth it. (turns around and looks at Matt and Anna’s door) Probably shouldn’t even risk it if I’m going to try to befriend her. (stops at Jessie and Riley’s door; she quietly opens the door)

 

 

Scene 4: Upstairs, Morning of Day 4

(in Jessie and Riley’s room, the team is doing exercises together)

 

Riley: (holding Jessie’s feet down as she does sit-ups) Hey, Jess, I thought you should know, Aubrey was in here last night.  I woke up to see what it was.  She said she’d come in to congratulate me.

 

Jessie: (pulling herself up) At like two in the morning? (falls back)

 

Riley: I think she was coming on to me.

 

Jessie: (up) You think? (down; up) You mean you can’t tell? (down)

 

Riley: It seemed like she was.

 

Jessie: (up) Way to go, Tiger. (stands up to stretch)

 

Riley: This isn’t going to cause problems between us, is it?

 

Jessie: (rotating her neck) No.  No offense, but I didn’t see anything happening between us.

 

Riley: (stretching with her) None taken.  I didn’t see it either. (tries to touch his toes) Not lookin’ for love on the show?

 

Jessie: To make friends.  If romance happens, it happens, but none of the guys seem my type.  I need a guy with energy to spare.

 

Riley: To work out with?

 

Jessie: For instance…

 

 

Scene 5: James and Constance’s room

(Constance is playing with her hair; James is looking through his suitcase)

 

Constance: (playing with her hair) So, up or down?

 

James: (disinterested) Down.

 

Constance: I’ve been wearing it down all week.  You sure?

 

James: I’m not the person to ask.  In fact, I wasn’t 100% sure you were talking about your hair until now. (looking through his belts) Ask Anna or Jolie if they come in.

 

Constance: Speaking of which, when I went to check on them, I found Chris and Jolie cuddled up again.

 

James: I’m beginning to wonder if it’s really an accident like they claim.

 

(Constance giggles; there’s a short silence)

 

James: (flatly) Gossip.

 

Constance: (flatly) Prude.

 

James: Drama Queen.

 

Constance: Jesus Freak.

 

James: (singing) “There ain’t no disguising the truth...”

 

Constance: (pauses) Wow, you sing pretty well.

 

James: Yeah, I co-direct the summer choir back home.  You sing?

 

Constance: (pointing at herself) Stage actress.  I do musicals, remember? (exasperated) I am not going to brag on my singing talents.

 

James: Cool…

 

(long pause)

 

 

Scene 6: Chris and Jolie’s room

(the two are sleeping in the bed)

 

Jolie: (wakes up to find Chris’s arms under her head and around her waist) Chris…

 

Chris: (wakes up) What? (seeing their predicament) Sorry…

 

Jolie: You need to get a girlfriend.

 

Chris: And those were my hands grabbing onto my tee-shirt all night?

 

Jolie: (gets up and messes with her hair) I only say this because my mom will be watching this show.

 

Chris: So will my mom.  She loves this show.  I think my parents’ll get a kick out of it.

 

Jolie: (groans) What do you think I should do with my hair?

 

Chris: Is that a rhetorical question?  I don’t know styles.  I think it looks good right now.

 

Jolie: (hair frizzy and askey; gives him a look) I’ll talk to Anna or Constance.

 

(exits the room and quickly runs back in)

 

Jolie: (whispering, exasperated) Aubrey is in Matt and Anna’s room with Anna, doing hair.

 

Chris: (gasps with overemphasis and a slight British accent) Then, it wasn’t Prof. Plum with the wretch in the solarium; it was her in the bedroom with the curling iron!

 

Jolie: (thoughtful pause) When you say you’re saving yourself for marriage, you don’t have a choice, do you?

 

Chris: None.  And you…

 

Jolie: On purpose!

 

 

Scene 7: James and Constance’s Room

(Jolie, in an enormous, navy blue bathrobe, with her hair wrapped up in a towel and several hair pins in her mouth, works with Constance’s hair; Chris and James, fully dressed and groomed, watch)

 

Constance: Jolie, you’re a life-saver.

 

James: (aside to Chris) I find it amusing that they value the ability to use a hairpin over the ability… to do CPR, for example.

 

Chris: How do you use a hairpin?  I’m not sure I get the physics behind it.

 

James: Not workin’ with me here.  You know why is Jolie’s robe so big?

 

Chris: It’s mine. (James give him a look) She’s very warm-blooded, so our room is kept very warm.  I don’t need it and she likes it.

 

James: So, Constance tells me you and Jolie have a tendency to find yourselves in compromising positions in the morning.

 

Chris: (defensively) We don’t mean to.  It just happens.  Why does Matt wake up every morning with Anna using his ankles as a pillow?  And by the way, you’re sheets look kind of tangled.

 

James: Constance is a gymnast when she’s asleep.  I let her tangle herself in the sheets and she’s still the rest of the night.

 

Chris: The Burrito Effect.  Though, I can’t say I’m not the same way.

 

James: If you’re so wiggly in bed, then why do you end up cuddled with Jolie?

Chris: I guess I stop when I get tangled up in something, too.

 

Jolie: (pulls off her turban and shakes out her hair) You look good.  What are we going to do about me?

 

Constance: (her hair in a loose bun with flared locks; grabs all of Jolie’s hair and holds it in two clumps beside her head) Girl, you were not meant for braids, were you?

 

Jolie: Nah.  Don’t have the bangs for it.  Yours are awesome, by the way.

 

Constance: Thanks, but these babies are pretty high-maintenance, let me warn you. (starts playing with a ponytail and other styles)

 

Chris: I think the big question is why we even watch. 

 

 

Scene 8: The Meeting Room

(the six couples enter)

 

(Jolie immediately takes a seat on the left side of the couch and Chris sits on the arm beside her)

 

(Anna spins one of the chairs around, kneels on it with her arms crossed across the back, her head resting on them; Matt leans on the chair, smiling)

 

(Constance takes a seat beside Jolie; James leans on the couch behind her)

 

(Aubrey pops into the other chair and Josh stands beside her)

 

(Jessie takes the right end of the couch and Riley sits on the floor in front of the arm)

 

(Kayley jumps onto the back of the couch above the empty spot, sits across the back before gracefully sliding in-between Constance and Jessie; Kendall plops down in front of her on the floor, puts his feet up on the coffee table, and leans his head into Kayley’s lap; she ruffles his hair, and he puts his feet down and tries to fix his hair, before Kayley bats his hands away and fixes it herself)

 

(Kendall makes a monkey noise, and she ruffles his hair again)

 

Brian: Welcome backs, guys… I’m sure you’re all eager to hear about your next challenge.  We gave you a workout last time, so we thought we’d give you some leisure time. (the girls giggle) Women, you will be given a nice peaceful afternoon in the library… doing some light reading with books such as these. (holds up The Star Wars Encyclopedia and a tall pile of comic books)

 

(the girls laugh again)

 

Brian: Guys, your task will be equally peaceful. (pulls out issues of People and US) As you’ve probably guessed, you women will be studying all about geekdom.  You’ll want to familiarize yourself with the material here, paying special attention to Star Wars, Star Trek, and some of the major comic books.  Men, you’ll want to brush up on your celebrity trivia.  Who’s dated who and who’s married who and how did certain stars get famous; you get the idea.  You have the rest of the day.

 

 

Scene 9: The Library

(the teams in the library, reading their respective magazines, comic books, and encyclopedias)

 

Constance: My head hurts.

 

James: What’re you studying?

 

Constance: The Fantastic Four.  I knew I should have gone to that darn movie.  So Richard Reed married Susan Storm, right?

 

Josh: Yep.  And Susan Storm is also Johnny Storm’s older sister.

 

Anna: I caught that.  Where does Ben Grimm fit into the picture?

 

Matt: No relation by blood or marriage or anything, but he fits into the dysfunctional family symbolically.  Dutch uncle or big brother figure, you could say.

 

Aubrey: Why are important people missing from the big team?

 

Kendall: What do you mean?

 

Aubrey: Well, we got Superman and Batman and Wonder Women on this… (looks at her book) Justice League?  Where’s Spider-Man?  He seems important.

 

(a collective “oh” from the geeks)

 

Chris: For real-life legal reasons.  Superman, Batman, The Flash …Wonder Woman, all of them are published by D.C. Comics.  Spider‑Man… and The Hulk, and X-Men, and The Fantastic Four, they’re all published by Marvel Comics.

 

Jolie: Spider‑Man got married, right?

 

James: Depending on the Universe, yeah, to Mary Jane Watson.  Oh, dear, is anyone familiar enough with the whole Multiverse/Crisis thing?  I’m not.

 

Kendall: Er, I could give them something fundamental, but that’s not my strong point.

 

(later; the books and magazines are on the floor, and all twelve of them are sitting in a circle, talking)

 

Jessie: Superman never had kids?

 

Chris: Well, he was an alien.  I’m pretty sure the various conflicting storylines either had Lois getting pregnant by some strange means, or them adopting or something.

 

Constance: But he still married her?  Was he ill-equipped?

 

(the guys pause and smirk at each other)

 

Matt: It’s never explicitly stated, but I’m sure he had humanoid genitalia, because he wondered if he could reproduce, not just knew he couldn’t.  I assume since he was another species, he couldn’t procreate with humans.

 

Kendall: Ooh, good factoid.  “Terrans” is a word used by aliens in comic books and other sci-fi to refer to humans, more specifically those from Earth.  Comparable to “earthling.”

 

Kayley: And Superman was from Krypton?  Like the… chemical?

 

James: Yes.  But there’s no connection between the two.  Krypton was discovered around the same time as Superman was being published.  It was a cool-sounding name.

 

(later)

 

Aubrey: Why are there so many freakin’ X-Men?

 

Josh: They just got bored and started spitting them out by the hundred.

 

Jessie: (grabbing a book) Now, some of the X-Men got married right?  It sounds important.

 

Kendall: Well most notably Scott Summer, or Cyclops, and Jean Gray, or Jean Gray, (smirks) who was later Phoenix, but that’s another chapter all together.  Oh, wait, wasn’t she also Marvel Girl at one point?  It’s complicated.

 

(later)

 

Chris: Let’s take this opportunity to mention the movie so we can learn about the actors.  Wolverine was played by Hugh Jackman.  What do we to know about him?

 

Anna: He’s from Australia.  He’s married, but to some Australian actress not known in the U.S.

 

Matt: Then Professor X, (to the girls) short for Charles Xavier, is played by Patrick Stewart, who was also on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

 

Anna: Captain Kirk, right?

 

Kendall: Picard.  Captain James T. Kirk was played by William Shatner in the original Star Trek.  Stewart played Jean-Luc Picard.

 

Jolie: Jean-Luc?  That’s a French name.  Patrick Stewart is British.

 

Matt: I want to say that Capt. Picard was supposed to be French.  Strange.  What do you know about Stewart’s personal life?

 

(the girls are silent, giving shrugs)

 

Kendall: Enough about the guys, let’s move onto the lovely ladies.  No objections to staring with the heavenly Miss Halle Berry?

 

Jessie: Biracial.  Dad’s black and mom’s white, if I recall.  She was married to a baseball player in the early nineties.

 

Anna: They had to have divorced.  She was also married to Eric Benét.  The broke up in about ’03.  He cheated on her, claiming to be a nymphomaniac.

 

Aubrey: I thought he denied that.

 

Jessie: She says she’ll never marry again.

 

(Josh and Kendall overdramatically cry “No!”)

 

(later)

 

Josh: And she went topless in Swordfish.

 

Kayley: For an extra half a million dollars.

 

Aubrey: Which she denies. (chuckles)

 

Riley: And was in the movie with Hugh Jackman.  Full circle!

 

Jolie: We’ll be hitting a lot of those.

 

James: She’s got an Academy Award, right?

 

Kayley: For Monster’s Ball.

 

Josh: Where she also appeared nude.

 

Jolie: With Billy Bob Thorton. (cringes)

 

Riley: Let’s make another circle.  He’s married to Angelina Jolie, right?

 

Kayley: Was.  They divorced.  Angelina currently dating Brad Pitt.

 

Chris: He’s married to Jennifer Aniston.

 

Jolie: Divorced.

 

(Chris gasps)

 

James: I guess the stereotype’s true.  Hollywood romances never last.

 

Kendall: What’s she been in?

 

Chris: Friends.

 

Aubrey: Of course, besides that.

 

Jessie: Rock Star with Mark Wahlberg.

 

Anna: Who used to be a rapper by the name of Marky Mark.

 

Kendall: You have got to be kidding me.

 

Anna: Nope.  He’s the younger brother of one of the New Kids on the Block.  He was also an underwear model for Calvin Klein. (the girls giggle)

 

Chris: He was in Planet of the Apes.  The original had Charlton Heston, the president of the NRA.

 

Josh: (sarcastically) Whoo-hoo.  Sorry, when you live in rural Missouri, you have a gun-totin’ cousin or twenty.

 

Matt: She was in Office Space, too.

 

(the guys cheer, and the girls give them looks)

 

Chris: And we’re hitting a dead end.  Courtney Cox was on Friends with Jennifer Aniston.  She married… Arquette.

 

Jolie: David Arquette.

 

Chris: Thank you.  Sister of Patricia Arquette?

 

Jessie: Uh-huh.

 

Josh: He was in Eight-Legged Freaks.

 

Aubrey: I don’t think that’s how he wants to be remembered.  He was in the Scream flicks as well.

 

Jessie: That’s where he met Courtney Cox.  She was in the movies, too.  They married in… I forget.

 

Chris: Probably 1999.  It was between the fifth and sixth season of Friends, and since the series started in 1994, that would make the sixth season start in 1999. (he gets looks) I’m a Friends geek.  Welcome to my world.

 

Anna: They have a daughter named Coco!  What?  I remember funny names because my mom wanted to name me Kiki. (giggles) She’s a little… (does the “crazy” gesture)

 

Jolie: (to Chris) There was a third actress on Friends.

 

Chris: Lisa Kudrow.  She’s married to some director or something.  She’s got one son, from the pregnancy they wrote into the show.  What else has she been in?

 

Aubrey: She did that high school reunion movie with Mira Sorvino.  And she was in Analyze This and That.

 

Constance: With Billy Crystal and Robert De Niro.  Those two could start all kinds of chains.  Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.  Then Meg Ryan with take us hundreds of places.  She was the romantic co-star of Tom Hanks in three different movies.

 

Anna: Tom Hanks alone could take us a hundred places.

 

Riley: And we’re still not getting back to the start.  Wherever that was.

 

James: X-Men.  Billy Bob Thorton maybe.  And lots of loveless relationships.

 

Chris: Lisa Kudrow claimed she saved herself for marriage.

 

Jolie: Yeah, and Tom Hanks has been married to Rita Wilson since… eighties maybe.

 

Chris: Well, if we want to make connections, we ought to be utilizing Djikstra’s Algorithm… (he gets looks from all the girls and several of the guys) It’s a computer algorithm for finding the shortest path from on point to another via various interconnected roads.  What I was getting at is that we should start another thread from X-Men, then relink them.  Say, Magneto…

 

Josh: He had power over magnetic fields. (pause) What?  We’ve been going deep into celebrity culture, and ignoring the girls need to know comic book junk. (Aubrey gives him an appreciative look)

 

Chris: Well, we’re use the detour to examine Lord of the Rings, because Sir Ian McKellan, who plays Magneto also played Gandalf in the movie.

 

Riley: Well, Gandalf the Grey, and later Gandalf the White…

 

(later)

 

Jessie: I don’t know about you guys, but I want to kick Tolkein’s ass for writing such a complicated story.  He’s dead, right?

 

James: Yeah, but his son, Christopher Tolkein, is working in his places, completing and publishing his unfinished works.

 

Kendall: Anyway, Ian McKellan, married?

 

Jolie: Gay.

 

(the geeks gasp and look shocked)

 

Anna: Get a grip.

 

Jessie: And by the way, marriage-faithful Tom Hanks, played a gay guy in Philadelphia.

 

James: I know.

 

Constance: Hold it! (everyone goes silent) Antonio Banderas (she says it with a Hispanic accent) was in Philadelphia as Tom Hank’s character’s lover.  Banderas was in The Mask of Zorro with Anthony Hopkins and Catherine Zeta Jones—another hundred directions each—Anthony Hopkins was in Silence of the Lambs with Jodie Foster… Oh, I was about to make a connection.

 

Jolie: He was in Alexander with Angelina Jolie.  Circle! (Constance high-fives her)

 

Kendall: And Catherine Zeta-Jones was in Entrapment with (Scottish accent) Sean Connery.

 

All the guys: (in unison) Bond, James Bond.

 

Matt: One of the 007 flicks had Halle Berry.  Circle!

 

Kayley: Hey, Teri Hatcher was also a Bond girl.  She played Lois Lane in that Superman show.  Kinda circle!

 

Anna: Wait, we can go back to the real star of Alexander.

 

(moments later)

 

Anna: …from Ireland.  As far as I can tell never married, but he dated a Playboy chick and they have a sex tape out.

 

James: Didn’t they make him gay in that movie?

 

Aubrey: Speaking of sex tapes…

 

(moments later)

 

Jessie: She caught Hepatitis C from him.

 

Aubrey: He denies it.

 

(moments later)

 

Josh: We all know who else has one…

 

(moments later)

 

Kendall: (incredulously) She’s marrying a guy with the same as her? (looks at Anna)

 

Anna: I knew that quote was going to come back to haunt me.

 

(later)

 

Constance: He was in Minority Report with Tom Cruise.

 

(moments later)

 

Jessie: …Nicole Kidman…

 

(moments later)

 

Riley: …little blond girl named after a state…

 

(moments later)

 

Constance: …who also was in Philedelphia…

 

(moments later)

 

Jolie: …with Dakota. And she was in that movie with Ashton Kutcher. 

 

Chris: It’s not quite a circle, but you should get credit for it somehow.

 

(moments later)

 

Anna: …as well as Penelope Cruz…

 

Kendall: They had homophonic surnames?

 

(moments later)

 

Jolie: …Matthew McConaughey…

 

(moments later)

 

Matt: …with her.  And she was in Silence of the Lambs with Anthony Hopkins!  Circle!

 

(moments later)

 

Aubrey: …now, it’s Katie Holmes…

 

(moments later)

 

Constance: …on Oprah.

 

(moments later)

 

Josh: …Bruce Wayne, of course…

 

(moments later)

 

Kendall: His real name has never been revealed, though in the movie, he was given the name Jack…

 

(moments later)

 

Kayley: …Lara Flynn Boyle…

 

(moments later)

 

Chris: Interestingly enough, her character was created by the TV show and not the comic book.

 

Jolie: With a name like that, she’s born to be a jester’s apprentice.

 

Chris: Maybe it’s time to bring up Viktor Fries.

 

(moments later)

 

Matt: Whose name we can’t spell…

 

James: Speak for yourself.

 

(moments later)

 

Kendall: …featured The Riddler and Two-Face…

 

(moments later)

 

Kayley: It had Nicole Kidman in it!  Circle!

 

Riley: So, he’s been with two actresses who have played the romantic interest of….

 

(moments later)

 

Matt: His real name was Harvey Dent.  He was a lawyer…

 

(moments later)

 

Kendall: …superego was The Judge…

 

(moments later)

 

Aubrey: …with Ashley Judd…

 

(moments later)

 

Riley: Recently, he was in that movie with…

 

(moments later)

 

Jessie: …Katharine Hepburn…

 

(moments later)

 

Josh: …an elven noblewoman, though not a queen.  She’s Elrond’s mother in law and Arwen’s grandmother.

 

(moments later)

 

James: …and he was in both movies with Will Smith…

 

Chris: Apparently not getting jiggy wit it.

 

(moments later)

 

Anna: …Jada Pinkett Smith…

 

(moments later)

 

Jolie: …like four-foot, ten…

 

(moments later)

 

Kendall: …Niobe…

 

(moments later)

 

James: She was in Momento with Guy Pearce.

 

(moments later)

 

Anna: …born in Britain, but immigrated to Australia.  Married, I’m sure.

 

(moments later)

 

Jolie: …with James Caveziel…

 

(moments later)

 

Jessie: …with Mel Gibson.

 

Aubrey: We’d be here all night.

 

(moments later)

 

Riley: …Keanu Reeves…

 

(moments later)

 

Kendall: Dude!

 

James and Matt: (look at each other) Fag!

 

Constance: Not helping…

 

(moments later)

 

Anna: …also from Australia.

 

James: And he played the Elf King Elrond.  Circle!

 

(moments later)

 

James: …now he’s portrayed with an extreme form of obsessive compulsive disorder…

 

(moments later)

 

Kayley: …his love interest in the movie was played by Jennifer Aniston.  Circle!

 

James: That movie was so sacrilegious. 

 

(moments later)

 

Riley: …Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot…

 

(moments later)

 

Anna: …in both movies with John Travolta…

 

(moments later)

 

Kendall: …Ah-nold’s twin…

 

(moments later)

 

Matt: …Samuel L. Jackson…

 

(moments later)

 

Josh: …Mace Windu…

 

(moments later)

 

Riley: …were in S.W.A.T. together.  Circle!

 

(moments later)

 

Jessie: …that church by that writer…

 

(moments later)

 

Anna: …Rene Russo…

 

(moments later)

 

Chris: …with Tim Allen.

 

(moments later)

 

Jessie: …with Tom Hanks.  Circle!

 

(moments later)

 

Matt: …two of them voiced the main characters of…

 

(moments later)

 

Aubrey: …as an art thief.

 

All the guys: (in unison) Bond, James Bond.

 

(moments later)

 

Constance: …Uma Thurman…

 

(moments later)

 

Kayley: …didn’t even give her first name…

 

(moments later)

 

Kendall: …Pamela Lillian Isley…

 

Jolie: As in almost Ivy?

 

Chris: They’re almost all like that.

 

(moments later)

 

James: …Selina Kyle…

 

(moments later)

 

Aubrey: …with Al Pacino…

 

(moments later)

 

Chris: …ironically, also the name of a dummy who belong to a villain with multiple personality disorder…

 

(moments later)

 

Matt: …with Keanu Reeves!  Circle!

 

(moments later)

 

Anna: …with Colin Farrell.  Circle!

 

(moments later)

 

James: …with Marlon Brando—

 

Constance: We’ll be here all night!

 

(moments later)

 

Josh: On Earth-Two in the Silver Age, they had a daughter…

 

(moments later)

 

Kendall: …with The Rock…

 

(moments later)

 

Jessie: …also in S.W.A.T.  Circle!

 

(moments later)

 

Chris: …but the part was recast and she was replaced by Andrea Anders…

 

(moments later)

 

Matt: …she was now paraplegic…

 

(moments later)

 

Josh: In the movie, they give her a slightly different identity.  For one, she’s the niece…

 

(moments later)

 

Aubrey: …movie lost money.  As I recall, Sony promised to return any movie-goer’s $5.  They did the same thing with some other stinkers: The Animal, Hollow Man…

 

Constance: That had Kevin Bacon, who… (voice trails)  Well, we’ll get back to him eventually.

 

(moments later)

 

Jolie: …famous for her appearance in Aerosmith videos, and later the surprise hit…

 

(moments later)

 

Jessie: …I remember that she recently married her boyfriend of several years, a member of some band.

 

Josh: She never does nude scenes. (joke-frowns)

 

(moments later)

 

Kendall: …earthquake toppled the city…

 

(moments later)

 

Riley: …she’s an expert martial artist and assassin, and she doesn’t speak.  Like her namesake from Greek mythology…

 

(moments later)

 

Chris: …parents killed by a mob boss.  Bruce Wayne adopted him as his legal ward…

 

(moments later)

 

Anna: …also as a non-celebrity wife…

 

(moments later)

 

Matt: …became the leader of a teenage superhero league… 

 

(moments later)

 

James: …assumed the new identity of…

 

(moments later)

 

Josh: …in a controversial move that comic book readers actually voted on, he was killed by the Joker.

 

Chris: Which, as we forgot to mention, is also what happened to Selina Kyle, which is the back story for…

 

(moments later)

 

Kendall: …was the third.  He had surmised the identities of the Dynamic Duo, and later became…

 

(moments later)

 

Riley: …originally Drake’s girlfriend.  She took up the role when he retired…

 

(moments later)

 

Chris: …named for his mother’s maiden name.

 

Matt: Though his original name is Kal-El.

 

Chris: Of course.

 

(moments later)

 

Kayley: …a little known fact is that he was good friends with Robin Williams from their tenure at Julliard.

 

Riley: That’s interesting.  Feel free to skip over the accident…

 

(moments later)

 

Chris: …he’s how old?

 

Jolie: Like 28.  And married.

 

Constance: And he turned down the part twice before he finally accepted.

 

Chris: (voice getting higher) I am insulted.  I’d accept he’s older, but 10 years older?

 

Kendall: The original Power Rangers were played by actors much older than their counterparts.

 

Matt: And it was obvious.

 

(the girls are silent)

 

(moments later)

 

Anna: …played a primary character on the show Felicity…

 

(moments later)

 

Kayley: …got her start on The New Mickey Mouse Club, along with such to-be stars…

 

(moments later)

 

Aubrey: Do I even have to bring up her 55-hour marriage?

 

(moments later)

 

Constance: …while she was still pregnant with his second…

 

(moments later)

 

Aubrey: Do I even have to bring up the Super Bowl fiasco?

 

(moments later)

 

James: …into the American lexicon…

 

(moments later)

 

Aubrey: Do I even have to bring up the child molestation charges?

 

(moments later)

 

Anna: She also had a part in Mel Gibson’s We Were Soldiers.  Mel Gibson!  Circle!

 

(moments later)

 

Jolie: She also had a part in Into the West, with… dang!  Like a bazillion people, none of which who I can think of at this moment.

 

(moments later)

 

Kendall: I heard that she’s going to be in Mission Impossible III, with Tom Cruise.  Circle!

 

(moments later)

 

Chris: …plays his father, also the original Bo Duke…

 

(moments later)

 

Kendall: …Stifler…

 

(moments later)

 

Josh: …Jackass…

 

(moments later)

 

Anna: …didn’t understand that “Chicken of the Sea” was…

 

(moments later)

 

Kayley: (thick Southern accent) …Smokey and the Bandit…

 

(moments later)

 

Kayley: (still with the accent) …outlaw country…

 

(moments later)

 

Kendall: …plays his mother.  She also played the original Lana Lang…

 

(moments later)

 

Anna: …Medicine Woman…

 

(interviews)

 

James: It was really kind of cool.  All the magazine and anthologies and stuff were all on the floor.   Between the six of us guys, we knew quite a bit about comic book characters and stuff.  Plus, all the girls had their own expertise in various areas of pop culture.  We guys knew a little, but not necessary more than some of the Star Wars/Star Trek/comic book information the girls had picked up.

 

Matt: This is what the writers mean when we try to become a whole lot more.  While we’re not changing our personalities, we’re all becoming better people in general.  In that room was nothing but altruism.  The teams are supposed to be in competition, but there was this free flow of knowledge.  It’s like the GNU Free Document License in a way. (looks away, embarrassed but thoughtful)

 

Aubrey: As much as I hate to admit it, it was fun hanging out with the geeks.  For the first time, I actually appreciate their knowledge of all things dweebish.

 

(hours later)

 

(it’s dark outside)

 

(Kendall and Kayley, each half-asleep, are leaning on each other)

 

(Aubrey is sleeping in Riley’s lap, who in turn is sleeping in Jessie’s lap)

 

(Anna is sleeping on Matt’s outstretched legs)

 

(Constance is sleeping on Anna’s outstretched legs)

 

(Jolie is sleeping against Chris’s chest; he’s mindlessly fiddling with the tips of her hair, droopy-eyed)

 

Josh: (fully awake, to James, who’s rubbing his eyes) Anyway, I’ve trained myself to differ my sleeping patterns.  Because I like video games, I can go all night or in bed by ten.

 

James: Well, (looking at his watch) 2:45 is my latest crashing time.  Plus, we’ve got some goners.

 

Chris: (picking up Jolie) Bedtime.

 

Jolie: (in her sleep) Kevin Bacon.  Circle! (opens her eyes) You don’t need to carry me. (lays her head on his shoulder and starts to drift)

 

(Chris takes her up the stairs)

 

(Josh easily scoops up Aubrey in his arms as Jessie scoops Riley’s arm around her neck)

 

Jessie: She’s not heavy?

 

Josh: Not really.  Some of this is muscle.

 

Jessie: Sorry.

 

Josh: Let’s go.

 

 

Scene 7: Chris and Jolie’s Room

(Chris lays Jolie on the bed; she starts to snuggle with the sheets)

 

(Jolie moves her shoulders a lot, frowning in her sleep)

 

(Chris has a worried look on his face, so he goes out into the hall)

 

Chris: (to James as he passes) Constance out?

 

James: Like a light.  Anna’s dead to the world, too.  Why?

 

Chris: I might need the services of a female.

 

Jessie: (walks up) Hmm?

 

Chris: (to James) See ya. (to Jessie) Jolie’s shifting uncomfortably in her sleep.  Could it be her… bra?

 

Jessie: (laughs and cringes) Yeah, it probably is.  You don’t sleep in those. (off Chris’s look) And you don’t want to take it off yourself?

 

Chris: She wouldn’t like that.

 

Jessie: (pats his arm) I got you covered. (goes in to the room; moments later, Jolie is comfortably dozing)

 

Chris: That’s an ingenious technique.  You’re a lifesaver, Jess. 

 

Jessie: Anytime. (smiles)

 

Chris: Night.

 

Jessie: Night.  I’ll do rounds, in case we got any other constricted Susies.

 

(Chris walks into the room; as he gets into bed, Jolie immediately starts to wiggle over to him in her sleep)

 

 

Scene 8: The Next Morning, Day 6

(James is sleeping in the bed; Constance is on the floor, burritoed in a comforter)

 

(Matt is sleeping on the bed backwards; Anna is asleep on his calves)

 

 

Scene 9: Riley and Jessie’s Room

(Riley and Aubrey lying in Riley and Jessie’s room, under the covers)

 

Aubrey: (yawns herself awake, and sees Riley) Riley?

 

Riley: (waking) You’re not Jessie.

 

Aubrey: Thanks for noticing.

 

Riley: Why are you in my room?

 

Aubrey: I don’t know.  I don’t remember going to bed. (looks down her shirt)

Riley: Good view?

 

Aubrey: (testy, but smiling) How dare you!

 

Riley: I didn’t do anything, I swear!  I don’t remember anything!  Well, I think Jessie put me to bed, but I was out, I promise.

 

Aubrey: I’m not accusing you of this.  I never knew you had the balls to make a comment like that.

 

Riley: I just woke up.  I don’t have a lot of tact in the morning.

 

Aubrey: Wait, if I’m in here, where’s Jessie sleeping?  With Josh?

 

Riley: (interview room) When I woke up this morning, I was in bed with Aubrey.  Some favor by Jessie, I suppose.  Nothing big, but I appreciated it.

 

Riley: Maybe.  That was nice of her.  Waking up to something so beautiful.

 

Aubrey: (caught off-guard) Thank you. (blushes)

 

Aubrey: (interview room) I blushed.  I never blush.  Riley’s a sweet guy, and I’ve never had a thing for sweet guys before.  I go for the more alpha male type.  Those relationships don’t last long sometimes, but that sometimes the point.  Did I just imply I had a thing for Riley?

 

 

Scene 10: Josh and Aubrey’s Room

(Josh is sleeping on the bed alone, sprawled across the entire thing)

 

 

Scene 11: Kendall and Kayley’s Room

(Kendall is asleep on the left side of the bed, next to the sleeping Kayley, who is next to the sleeping Jessie)

 

Kendall: (interview) Okay, so I woke up the morning in bed with both Kayley and Jessie.  Jessie said the reason was that she was going around taking off all the girl’s bras.  Now, I’m a pretty moral guy, but I snickered.  I did.  They forgave me, but gave me the explanation.  You learn something new everyday.

 

 

Scene 12: Chris and Jolie’s Room

(Chris wakes up to find Jolie lying on her pillow on top of his chest again, her body pressed against the side of his)

 

(breathing a laugh to himself, he starts to pet her hair)

 

Jolie: (face crunches as she wakes up) Hmm? (sees their predicament and emits an exasperated sigh) I’m beginning to wonder if you’re doing this on purpose.

 

Chris: I’m beginning to wonder how I could possibly get my arm behind your back and my chest under your pillow without waking you up.  And if I could, why I wouldn’t slip you off, so you wouldn’t get mad at me every morning?

 

Jolie: I knew I should have taken that critical thinking class.  Are you implying that I’m doing this?

 

Chris: I’m implying that we shouldn’t hold each other responsible for what happens in the middle of the night.  Like you moving to a warm body or me holding one.

 

Jolie: And are you implying I took off my own underwear?

 

Chris: No, Jessie did.  I thought you’d be mad if I did.

 

Jolie: You know; it’s really hard to be mad at you when you’re so noble.

 

Chris: Sorry…?

 

Jolie: Never mind.  We’ve got some competitions to win.

 

 

Scene 13: A Parking Lot Outside an Outdoor Mall

(six large whiteboards have been arranged in a hexagonal pattern)

 

Brian: (as the teams assemble) Welcome, teams.  I hope you studied hard.  Guys, I’m sure you’re wondering what your challenge is going to be.  Well, we have a few special judges as a hint.  If you’ll please welcome Mr. Mark Hamill.

 

(the guys are of course flabbergasted; the women smile politely as Mark Hamill walks up)

 

Mark Hamill: Hi. (the guys crowd around to shake his hand)

 

Josh: (kneeling and bowing) You are my king, Master Jedi Skywalker!

 

Mark Hamill: (to Brian) You said that this wasn’t going to happen.

 

Brian: Sorry, Mark.  Josh, if you don’t stop praising Mark Hamill, I will be forced to disqualify you.

 

(Aubrey grabs him and pulls him up with surprising strength)

 

Brian: And our next celebrity judge, who needs no introduction.

 

(Kevin Bacon walks up)

 

Constance: (yelp-screams; covers her mouth) Sorry.

 

(everyone excitedly shakes his hand)

 

Brian: So, if you haven’t figured it out yet, we’ll be playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.  Your task is to connect Mark Hamill with Kevin Bacon.  You must find six or less links between these those talented actors…

 

Kevin Bacon: You tryin’ to get in a movie with us or something? (Kevin Bacon-smiles)

 

Brian: Notice my current job. (to the guys) The first one to find such a chain must then draw an uncluttered diagram on the sheet of paper you’ll find taped to the board.  Here are the rules: each of the persons in each connection must have one of the following relationships: the two persons must have had credited roles in a movie together; they must have acted in a television show together, or one could have had a recurring guest role of three episodes or more; they must have performed professionally in a stage play together; they must be related as either parent-child, siblings, married, grandparent-grandchild, aunt or uncle to nephew or niece, first cousins, or have had a serious dating relationship. (the guys are already mumbling to themselves) And, ladies, you may not help your partners in any way.  You may begin.

 

(the guys race off)

 

James: (interview room) This was going to be a hard competition.  We did exactly this last night.  Had we actually played six degrees of Kevin Bacon, oh gosh, it would have been a furious race!

 

Chris: (interview room) Immediately, I implemented Dijkstra’s Algorithm.  I went back and forth between Mark Hamill and Kevin Bacon.  After the first branch, I chose the most potent co-star.  For Mark Hamill, that was Harrison Ford.  For Kevin Bacon, it was Tom Hanks.  I definitely did a breadth-first-search, because it could be six or less. (pauses) I’m sorry, I’m getting all technospeak.  This is a CS major’s dream competition.

 

Kendall: (interview room) It was hard.  At first I started to hit some too-long sequences, so I started trying to find shorter connections.

 

Riley: (interview room) Big board was definitely good.  From all the squeaking I heard; these things were a mess.

 

(the competition)

 

Matt: What was his name!?

 

Riley: What was that movie called!?

 

Kendall: (squinting his eyes) Jim… Jake… Dammit! (falls to his knees) Khaaaaan!

 

Josh: He was in that thing with the thing with that thing with the guy!

 

Chris: Meg Ryan… Billy Crystal… Robert De Niro… (pauses) No!

 

James: Denzel Washington… what was he in?  What is that little girl’s name!? (almost in a rage) We talked about this!

 

Josh: Rhona Mitra, to James Spader… to William Shatner… to Leonard Nimoy… he’s no good… James Doohan… oh, this is crap!

 

Matt: …André the Giant… what the hell am I thinking?  Okay, Fred Savage… Ben Savage… and I don’t know any of their names.  Cary Elwes… it’s kind of geeky I even remember that… he was in Robin Hood!  That’s no good… Wait… Hot Shots!!!  Duh!  (starts to scribble)

 

(the women are beside themselves with worry, suspense, and frustration, but all remain quiet)

 

Jolie and Constance: (under their breaths) C’mon, c’mon, c’mon…

 

Anna: You’re almost there.

 

Riley: (not scribbling, looks at the board carefully) …if only…

 

Josh: …Anne Heche… Ellen Degeneres… where am I going with this?  Calista Flockhart… Lucy Liu… Cameron Diaz… Drew Barrymore… Adam Sandler… Rob Schneider… yeah, right!  Wynona Rider… uh!

 

(Kendall carefully starts to erase a few names on his nearly filled board)

 

(Matt is having to draw increasingly wide arcs from one node to another)

 

(James is counting his nodes, groaning)

 

(Chris drops his marker and looks at the board; Jolie looks stunned; he grabs a ballpoint pen from the eraser tray and starts to draw his diagram; he stops and stares at it)

 

(as Chris looks back and forth, James grabs his pen while Constance cheers him on; Chris starts to shake)

 

Jolie: (above all the noise) Go!

 

(trance broken, Chris runs toward the judges)

 

James: Crap! (quickly finishes scribbling something and runs after Chris)

 

Chris: (breath gone; holds the paper out between Kevin Bacon and Mark Hamill) Here.

 

Kevin Bacon: (smiles and look at Mark Hamill, who has a similar grin; takes the paper, nodding) Let’s check it out. (dead silence; the geeks continue to stare at their boards, but don’t make any more scribbles) I was in Apollo 13 with Tom… Haks?

 

Chris: Hanks!

 

Kevin Bacon: It’s fine… Tom Hanks was in (squints) Catch Me If You Can with Leo DiCaprio, who was in Aviator with Willem Dafoe? (looks at Hamill)

 

(Chris looks ready to faint, Jolie near tears)

 

Mark Hamill: He had a small part as that photographer.

 

(look at Brian)

 

Brian: Our impartial judge shows that Internet Movie Database shows him as a credited cast member.  We’ll accept it.

 

(Chris and Jolie exhale sighs of relief; James and Constance look worried)

 

(the rest are even at their boards anymore, but markers still in hands)

 

Kevin: (to Mark Hamill) You wanna take it from here?

 

Mark Hamill: Sure.  Willem Dafoe… I assume you spelled it right… (Chris doesn’t flinch; Mark Hamill laughs) …was in Clear and Present Danger with Harrison Ford… (smiles; the tone of his voice clearly uplifting; drags the rest out) …who… was in Star Wars: A New Hope… Kudos for spelling it out… with… yours truly… Mr. Mark Hamill.  We have our winner.

 

(Chris turns around and immediately Jolie jumps into his arms, hugging him very tightly, legs around his torso, kissing him on the cheek; he spins her around, pressing his forehead against hers, before collapses onto the ground with her still in his arms)

 

James: (while squeezing Constance’s wrists) So close…

 

Constance: You were on fire out there…

 

James: Chris… (looks down) Will you two stop making out.

 

Jolie: We were not!

 

James: (shaking his hand) Another close game for us.  Congratulations.

 

Chris: It’s almost a win for all of us.  This is a fun game.  Thank you for challenging me. (turns to Jolie) Thanks for waking me up. (hugs her around her arms; laughing)

 

(soon they’re both laughing)

 

(interviews)

 

Chris: For once, I’m glad that I listened to girls swooning over Harrison Ford.  Before last night, I hadn’t remembered that Kevin Bacon was in Apollo 13.  Talk about saving grace.

 

Jolie: (calmly) I don’t what it is, but being on this show has made me so emotional.  I am such a rooted person.  Even if I don’t have it under control, I am usually clear-headed.  I don’t let emotions get in my way.  But this show has been ups and downs.  This is not good for my heart! (laughing)

 

Chris: (huge smile) I was nice being hugged by Jolie, I suppose.

 

James: I don’t know what it is about the atmosphere on this show, but I’m having a hard time developing animosity for my teammates.  It’s supposed to be a competition, and, yes, I love competitions, I’m not mad at Chris for beating me.  At him, at least.  And, yes, it’s something I know I should strive for, to be so caring of my opponents, but that it’s happening so easily…

 

Constance: We were so close.  Milliseconds apart.  And, yet, it’s so fun.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Jolie to death, I really do, but she’d better watch out, ‘cause James and Constance are a force to be reckoned with.  When we’re competing.  I can’t deny the girl is good with hair. (turns her head to show off the bun)

 

(the parking lot)

 

(the teams plop down in a circle; Kevin Bacon and Mark Hamill join them)

 

Brian: Teams, you’ve been scheduled to have lunch with our most prestigious judges. (a myriad of gasps, squeals, and cheers)  At three o’clock, you’ll need to meet me in courtyard in the center of the mall for the women’s competition.  Look forward to seeing you there.

 

 

Scene 14: The Mall Courtyard, 3:01 PM

(Brian walks up to Kevin Bacon and Mark Hamill and the teams)

 

Brian: Welcome back, teams.  How was lunch?

 

Constance: Excellent!

 

(other similar comments)

 

Brian: Great.  Well, ladies, I bet you’re dying to know what’s next.  Well, we have a riddle for each of you. (pulls a stack of envelopes) These clues, based on the topics you were instructed to study, will lead you to another clue somewhere in the near vicinity.  The second clue is another riddle, giving you instructions to perform an action at another location in the vicinity.  These scavenger hunts, while different, have been judged to be of equal difficulty and proximity.  As always, you may receive no help from your partners, but they are allowed and encouraged to cheer you on.  Once again, Mark Hamill and Kevin Bacon will be our judges.  If you’re ready, please congregate around this table.

 

(he motions to a round table, which the women sit around, looking confident, with their partners several paces behind them)

 

(Brian gives them each an envelope with her name on it)

 

Brian: You may begin.

 

(the girls rip away and start to read)

 

Brian: And the girls have begun.

 

(the girls look very perplexed)

 

Jessie: Oh! (thinks hard) feline… cat… darkness?  That could be any of them… (reads on) …sometimes not… not tangible?  What does that mean?  Oh!

 

Aubrey: He was… Oh! (gets up a runs off with a mall map in hand)

 

Brian: And it looks like Aubrey has taken an early lead.  And our other beauties seemed to be having a tougher time.

 

Jolie: Two cubed?  I hate math!  Two times two: four.  Times two: six?  No, eight!  Spiders! (pauses) Malevolence?  Well, mal in French means “bad”, so a bad guy?

 

Constance: “…elementals…”?  Elements…?  Like Captain Planet?  Earth, fire, water… fire… (thinks)

 

(Kayley gets up and runs off)

 

Brian: And Kayley seems to know where she’s going.

 

(Kayley comes back and stares at her riddle again)

 

Brian: Or maybe not.

 

(Jolie jumps up after thinking and runs towards a store)

 

Brian: It appears Jolie is hot on Aubrey’s tracks.

 

(some of the other girls soon get up and run to various parts of the store complex)

 

 

Scene 15: A Comic Book Store

(Aubrey, Jolie, and Jessie are searching through the stacks)

 

(Jessie flips through an X-Men comic book and finds a notecard)

 

Jessie: (runs to the window) Yes! (runs out of the store, then back in, dropping the comic book on the counter, then back out)

 

(Aubrey runs to the adjacent clothing store with a notecard in hand)

 

 

Scene 16: A Toy Store

(Constance and Anna)

 

(Constance is digging through Fantastic Four figurines)

 

(Anna runs back and forth through the game aisle, her eye level at each subsequent shelf on each return)

 

 

Scene 17: Mall Center

(Kayley is weeping into her card)

 

Kayley: What does it mean?!

 

(Aubrey runs up with a hot dog in her hand; she hands it to Brian expectantly)

 

Brian: (looks at the hog dog, showing it to Kevin Bacon and to Mark Hamill, who study it with obvious effort) Yeah, it’s got mustard.  You win.

 

(Aubrey stands dumbfounded for exactly one second, and then starts jumping up and down, cheering; she eventually jumps into Josh, who smiles)

 

Aubrey: (interview room) I won.  I think it’s like karma, since I lost the last one so badly.

 

Josh: (interview room) She pressed herself into me.

 

(Jessie walks up, drying her right arm on her shirt)

 

Jessie: (puts a some coins in Riley’s hand) Have sixty-eight wet cents.

 

Jolie: (dejectedly presses an 8 by 10 photograph into Chris’s chest) Sorry.

 

Chris: (grabs her by the forearm) I won the last one, remember?  We’re safe.  Sorry you don’t get to screw over two teams.

 

(Jolie gives him a nasty look)

 

Chris: I love the photo.  You should frame it.

 

Jolie: (chuckles) It’s yours.

 

(Constance walks up in full costume of Star Wars Queen Amidala, minus kabuki make-up)

 

James: You had to get into full costume as your task?  That’s not fair.

 

Constance: No, it was only supposed to get a Leia buns headband from the toy store, but I saw that Aubrey was winning by a long shot, I thought I’d have some fun.

 

Mark Hamill: (to Constance) Mom, Kevin’s picking on me.

 

Kevin Bacon: Damn, it’s good to be an A-lister.

 

 

Scene 17: Hot Tub

(eleven contestants are in the swimming pool; Brian walks off, checking off “Hot Tub Scene” on a list he’s holding)

 

(Matt, in a dark green, palm leaf pattern swim short, and Chris, in an dark blue shorts, are both looking at and holding their watches)

 

(Kendall suddenly pops up from the middle of the tub, gasping for air)

 

Chris: I got thirty-four point zero-six.

 

Matt: Thirty-four, twenty-one.

 

Kendall: (wearing a Hawaiian-themed swimsuit) Ha!  I win.

 

Kayley: (sighs; wearing a violet-red halter top two-piece) Okay. (takes a deep breath and goes under)

 

(Chris and Matt simultaneously press buttons on their watches)

 

(Constance, who is in between them in a black, heart-themed halter top, laughs)

 

(Aubrey turns to look at Riley beside her; she’s wearing a yellow triangle top with a white spotted pattern)

 

(Riley, wearing scarlet-colored trunks, diverts his eyes away from her suit to the water)

 

(she gives him a playful smirk and nudges him with her shoulder)

 

(Constance tilts her head to look at Chris’s watch; they look at each other, smiling)

 

(Jolie, wearing a pink floral tankini with a plunging neckline, catches her eye and they exchange stoic glances)

 

(Kayley erupts from the water, flinging water with her hair onto Aubrey, Riley, Jessie, and Anna)

 

Jessie: (wearing a dark fuchsia halter top) Thanks a lot.

 

Anna: (wearing a bright multi-colored triangle top; with over-the-top, breathy voice) Do I look sexy wet? (wears a passionate expression, licking her lips suggestively)

 

Kendall: (to Kayley) Should I answer that?

 

Kayley: (leering at him) I think you should.

 

Kendall: (flatly to Anna) I think you look sexy wet.

 

Anna: (moves to sit on his lap, facing him, and purrs like a cat) Good choice. (turns her head) Anyone else think I look sexy wet?

 

(after a pause, Josh’s and Matt’s hands fly up in succession)

 

Anna: (rotates her head and sees Riley’s arm is not up) You, I’ll forgive. (winks at Aubrey) Chris?

Chris: Oh, I do.  In fact, the so-called “drowned rat” look I actually find very attractive.  I’m just uncomfortable with someone sitting in my lap.

 

(Anna finishes her head rotating by leaning back and whipping her hair around)

 

Constance: (jumps onto Chris’s lap) Do I look sexy wet?

 

Chris: (matter-of-fact) You’re not wet. (dumps a handful of water on her head)

 

(she slides off and splashes him)

 

(Jolie squirts a stream of water at him with her hands)

 

Chris: Okay, whatever I did to offend anyone.  I sincerely apologize. (quickly pulls his hands out of the water, splashing both Jolie and Constance)

 

(a water fight ensues)

 

(Riley holds Aubrey in a protective manner, using one hand to splash the others)

 

(Josh, in baggy, dark green trunks, is pounding the water with both fists in a manner reminiscent of the Hulk or the Thing)

 

(Chris has both Constance’s and Jolie’s wrists in one hand and is splashing with the other)

 

(Jolie and Constance are splashing at each other; their heads turned away, they soon have grabbed each other’s hands)

 

Anna: (screaming) Okay, whoever took my top had better give it back!

 

(the water fight ceases immediately and it is revealed that Anna still has her top on)

 

Anna: Sorry, I just wanted to see if that would work.  Now, if anyone tries it, I’m kick their—

 

(Jessie leaps from the water, gasping for air)

 

Jessie: (breathy) Okay, how long was I under?  Who was timing?

 

(Chris, Jolie, and Constance immediately see their predicament and awkwardly untangle themselves)

 

Chris: (interview room) Okay, there’s something going on between Jolie and Constance.  It’s almost as if they found themselves competing for my affection… but not really.

 

 

Scene 18: Chris and Jolie’s Room

(Chris is sitting up against the headboard, rubbing Jolie’s feet; she’s lying on a pillow backwards on the bed)

 

Jolie: (sadly) I like Constance. (with intention) And so do you.

 

Chris: (not catching her intonation) Yeah.  James is a nice guy, too.  You considering them?

 

Jolie: Maybe.  Or maybe Matt and Anna.  She is friends with Aubrey, you know.

 

Chris: A little cliquey, aren’t we?

 

Jolie: Way to be tactful.

 

(Chris rolls his eyes in an ironic manner)

 

Jolie: On the other hand, I’m fairly indifferent Kayley or Kendall.  Nothing against them.

 

Chris: No, I understand.

 

Jolie: Or Riley and Jessie.  Uh, this is hard.  Hey, you won the competition.  You decide.

 

Chris: This is the one reality show where’s there’s pretty much no backstabbing, so it’s hard to be objective.  I have no grudges against any of the guys.  From a strategic point of view, I think James and Constance will survive the Elimination Room.  We shouldn’t send them.

 

Jolie: (interview room) It would have been so much easier just to say Josh and Aubrey, but just my luck, they have immunity. (rolls her eyes)

 

Jolie: So, what are you thinking?

 

Chris: I’m thinking I could use your help picking out something to wear.

 

(Jolie just smiles)

 

 

Scene 19: The Main Hallway

(Chris and Jolie, and Josh and Aubrey stand at the bottom of the stairs with Brian, the rest stand on the staircase)

 

(Kendall and Kayley both wear scarves like blindfolds and have rolled paper “cigarettes” in their mouths; they both have big grins)

 

Brian: Well, if you’re ready to begin… (Kendall and Kayley remove their homage) Once again, we have two teams who will be sending two more teams to the Elimination Room.  One will stay; the other will leave the premises immediately.  Teams, have you made your decisions? (they nod) Alright, Chris and Jolie, who have you chosen?

 

Jolie: Y’all are great people and we would love to spend the next few weeks without having to send any of you away.  Chris and I talked for a long time about this and we came to a very difficult decision.  We hope you understand.  We hope you come back, but if you don’t, we’re sorry in advance.  We’ll miss you.

 

Chris: (looking directly at them, sympathetically) Riley and Jessie. (purses his lips)

 

(Aubrey unsuccessfully hides her anger)

 

Brian: Josh and Aubrey?

 

Josh: It’s been a lot of fun.  We also did a lot of talking about this, and it was a hard choice.  I don’t know what else to say but good luck.

 

Aubrey: (quickly) James and Constance.

 

Brian: The teams have been chosen.  If those two teams will follow me into the Elimination Room; the rest of you may return to your rooms.

 

(they teams go their separate ways)

 

Jolie: (interview room; furious) That… she picked the team that Chris and I were closest to.  Unabashedly.  I cannot believe her.  What did we do to her?

 

Aubrey: (interview room) They sent Riley!  That was a direct attack on me.  Jolie has Chris wrapped around her little finger.

 

Chris: (interview room) So, anyway, afterwards, I noticed Aubrey was fuming.  I’d forgotten that she and Riley were getting… close.  Stupid me; she’s gonna take this out on Jolie. (puts his face in his hands)

 

 

Scene 20: The Elimination Room

(the two pairs walk up to the platforms)

 

Brian: Welcome.  Since you’re all new to the Elimination Room, let me explain the rules.  We have six questions for each of the men and the women; that’s three questions each.  The men will be going first.  In the event of a tie, we will go to a tiebreaker round.  Are you ready?

 

(nods and affirmations)

 

Brian: Alright, we’ll begin.  Ladies, if you take yourselves to the Viewing Room.

 

Constance: (holding her hand out) You got this?

 

James: (lays his hand against hers) I got it.

 

Jessie: Ready?

 

Riley: Yep.  No worries.

 

(the ladies leave)

 

Brian: James, pick a card.

 

James: Six.

 

Brian: This movie won eleven Academy Awards, years before either Titanic or Lord of the Rings accomplished the same feat.  Name this movie.

 

James: Ben-Hur, in the 50s sometime.

 

(viewing room)

 

Constance: Way to go, Jim Bob.

 

(Elimination Room)

 

Brian: That is correct.  Riley?

 

Riley: Four.

 

Brian: This actor won the Oscar for Best Actor for his role in 2003’s Mystic River.

 

Riley: I have no idea.  Daniel Day-Lewis.

 

(Constance cringes in the viewing room)

 

Brian: I’m sorry; the correct answer was Sean Penn.

 

Riley: Shoot.

 

Brian: James, your next selection?

 

James: One.

 

Brian: Name actor Kevin Bacon’s wife.

 

James: (eyes widen) Er, it’s not Kayley.  And the last name is something Anglo-Nordic-sounding.  She has that show on TNT, a cop show or a legal show or something.  Kayley Maverick, that’s not right.

 

(viewing room)

 

Constance and Jessie: (downtrodden, in unison) Kyra Sedgwick.

 

(Elimination Room)

 

Brian: I’m sorry, but the correct answer was Kyra Sedgwick. (pauses) Riley, your next choice?

 

Riley: Two.

 

Brian: Where did Tom Cruise propose to Katie Holmes?

 

Riley: Eiffel Tower in Paris.

 

Brian: Correct.

 

(viewing room)

 

Constance: Uh!  That was too easy!

 

(Elimination Room)

 

Brian: James?

 

James: Three.

 

Brian: The title character of this teen drama was an aspiring filmmaker who idolizes Steven Spielberg.

 

James: That’s not something I would know.  But I have a sneaking suspicion it’s… well…

 

(viewing room)

 

Constance: (with gusto) Say it, say it, say it!  Whatever you’re thinking, it’s right.  Dawson’s Creek.

 

(Jessie smirks)

 

(Elimination Room)

 

James: Is it Dawson’s Creek?

 

Brian: Correct. (James looks very relieved) The score now is 2 to 1, in favor of James.  Last question goes to you, Riley.  What actress portrayed the character of Mexican artist Frida Kahlo in the 2002 movie Frida.

 

Riley: (pauses) Okay, I know I should have seen that movie.  She grew a unibrow for the film.  It was, like, the Hispanic actress in mainstream Hollywood films.  Oh, Penelope Cruz. (smiles)

 

(so does James)

 

(Jessie does not)

 

(Constance is stoic)

 

Brian: I’m sorry.  That is incorrect.  The correct answer was (James mouths it with him) Salma Hayek.

 

Riley: Oh, dammit.

 

(the girls come back)

 

Constance: You’ve gotten us a good lead.

 

James: Make me proud.

 

Constance: Count on it.

 

Riley: It was Salma Hayek.  She’s hot; I should have known it.

 

Jessie: You did your best.

 

(the guys leave)

 

Brian: Alright, ladies.  The score is 2 to 1, in favor of Constance and James.  Jessie, you will receive the first question.

 

Jessie: Five.

 

Brian: The X-Woman called Shadowcat, or alternately Sprite or Ariel, has the ability to walk through walls.  What is her real name?

 

Jessie: Oh, this was so related to my riddle. (thinks) Shadowcat.  Kitty.  Kitty… Pryde!  Katherine “Kitty” Pryde!

 

(viewing room)

 

Riley: (leaning so far forward he falls) That’s my girl!

 

(Elimination Room)

 

Brian: Correct. (pauses) Constance?

 

Constance: One.

 

Brian: This rocky or crystalline substance in the Superman mythos… (Constance is already smiling) comes in many varieties.  Please name, with its color, the main type of this substance, which weakens Superman.

 

Constance: Is it green kryptonite?

 

Brian: Correct. 

 

(viewing room)

 

Riley: Easy!

 

James: I know.

 

(Elimination Room)

 

Brian: Jessie?

 

Jessie: Four.

 

Brian: Please give me the full name of Batman’s, alias Bruce Wayne’s, butler.

 

Jessie: Alfred… (thinks hard) Bloomingdale. (laughs uncomfortably)

 

Brian: I’m sorry; that’s incorrect.  The correct answer was Alfred Pennyworth. (pauses) Constance?

 

Constance: Two.

 

Brian: Name the amorphous, extraterrestrial “symbiote” that first became Spider-Man’s black, super-powered suit, and later, a major supervillian.

 

(viewing room)

 

James and Riley: (in unison) Venom.

 

James: She’s not going to get it.

 

(Elimination Room)

 

Constance: Huh?  I really have no clue.  Zordon?

 

Brian: That is incorrect.  The correct answer was Venom. (Constance raises an eyebrow and exchanges glances with Jessie) The score is three-to-two, in favor of Constance.  Jessie, you need to get this question right to stay in the game.

 

Jessie: (nods) Six.

 

Brian: What is Captain Kirk’s middle name?

 

Jessie: Holy crap.  Captain James T. Kirk.  Oh, it was really strange.

 

(viewing room)

 

James: I don’t think I know that.

 

Riley: It’s Tiberius.  It will be a miracle if she gets it.

 

(Elimination Room)

 

Jessie: Telemachus?

 

Brian: I’m afraid that is incorrect.  The correct answer was Tiberius.  We don’t need to continue.  Constance and James, you are our champions.

 

(Constance immediately walks over to hug Jessie)

 

(James and Riley walk in)

 

(James and Constance hug)

 

(Riley and Jessie hug)

 

Jessie: Who the hell is Telemachus?

 

James: Telemachus, in Greek mythology, was the son of Odysseus.

 

Jessie: Oh, so I’m not making up names. (she and James chastely hug)

 

(Riley and Constance hug)

 

Riley: Can you tell…

 

Constance: (cutting him off) Yeah.

 

Riley: (interview room) (teary) You know, I can deal with losing.  It would have been fun to stay, but James and Constance were definitely more adept players.  I did say good-bye to Aubrey, but if had I any clue I’d actually have to leave, I would have done it so much better.  I should have kissed her.

 

Jessie: (interview room) I don’t like to lose!  I’m too competitive! (frowns, but then laughs at herself) But, in reality, I feel so bad for Riley, because of Aubrey. (pauses) Huh, I didn’t get any action on this show!  Now, I’m jealous. (rolls her eyes)

 

Riley: (to James) Well, I’ll be seeing you.

 

James: I hope so.  I really enjoy competing with you.  I sincerely hope our paths cross again. (heartily shakes his hand)

 

Riley: Me, too.  And thanks.

 

James: (interview room) I know I’m giving the same spiel, but I hate seeing people go, because I really like the competitive interaction.  These are mostly guys that remind me of my friends back home.

 

Constance: (interview room) I feel so dirty.  ‘Cause, you know, I’m sending those two home.  I mean, Riley was showing some progress in make Aubrey slightly less… you know.  And Jessie… well, Jessie was nice in that she took off my bra last night.  I just said to national television, didn’t I?  Hey, that’s why I’m here!

 

(Riley and Jessie leave the premises, suitcase in hand)

 

Jessie: (interview room) You know, I didn’t come with too many preconceived notions about geeky guys.  Maybe they don’t work out as much.  I mean, I did learn that I can get along with them really well.  I’ll admit; I wouldn’t have given any of these guys the time of day if it weren’t for the show, at least not romantically.

 

Riley: (interview room) Jessie was living proof that beauty doesn’t equal ditziness.  She’s a woman with her head on her shoulders.  She’s got a strong personality.  And she’s approachable.  Maybe a little hard to please, but not… uppity.  These girls just want to have fun.  Oh, that was so corny.

 

(James and Constance sneak up the stairs)

 

~

 

A/N: For one, I’m sorry that the bra gag went on for so long.  But I wanted the teams to study late into the night, and how do I describe them studying late into the night without some of them falling asleep, and how do I ignore the fact that some of the girl went to bed in their clothes and sleeping through the night uncomfortably?  And why wouldn’t any of the girls be kind enough to do that?  Write it off as a necessary evil.

 

By the way, I probably spent an hour playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon until I found one six or less.  I did not use the automatic machine online, though I did cheat a few times by checking imdb.com a couple of times for movies I knew.

 

And I got rid of Riley and Jessie!  In retrospect, those are the two I expected to kill off.  I’m deviating slightly from the whole “simulation” thing.  I’ve got some story arcs starting to form, so a kind of timeline is fleshing out.  However, I’m being as spontaneous as possible.  For example, I didn’t know coming in who was winning the competitions.  I was no less surprised that you when Chris won the Kevin Bacon-to-Mark Hamill competition.

 

On the next episode of Beauty and the Geek:

 

Brian: (voiceover) The guys face a challenge of truly epic proportions: women’s fashion.  But we’re not making it easy on them.

 

(the guys look wide-eyed as they stand in a clothing store)

 

Kendall: This is ten times as hard as last season!

 

Brian: (voiceover) And girls learn a thing or do about rocket science.

 

(Aubrey looks bored as she reads an astrophysics book)

 

(Jolie is asleep with a book about space shuttles on her chest)

 

(Constance and Kayley have made a tower with their reading material)

 

Brian: (voiceover) And there will be a Elimination round you won’t want to miss.

 

^_^ - (gasps for air) Okay, how long was I under water?  Hey, where’d you guys all go?  Why am I alone in the hot tub… with Anna’s top?