Beauty and the Geek: Episode 1

by Godeerc VanDrey

with Creedog VanDrey

Category: Beauty and the Geek

Genre: Reality, Humor

Rating: PG

Language: English

Summery: This is a social experiment. We take seven of our geeky characters and seven of our beautiful characters, and put them in a mansion, to see who could become a whole lot more (and win $125,000 each because this is a reality show, duh).

A/N: So, it turns out Creedog and I didn’t have seven geeks and seven beauties in our mythology. Between the minor, major, and in-the-works characters of the current mythology, I was able to find ten appropriate subjects. Creedog and I designed the rest, which he found remarkably easy, because like almost all of our characters, he bases them on real people he knows (then I caricaturize them).

Anyway, I don’t have this all planned out, really. The characters are created and I’ve decided on the competitions, but I haven’t decided (minus a few minor details) who pairs up, who wins which games, who gets kicked off, etc. I want this story to flow naturally, so I’m taking a “simulation” approach, where I do whatever seems right at the time.

By the way, as a joke, I’ve written this unscripted series in script format. It’s funny!

Beauty and the Geek: Episode 1

Scene 1: Outside the Mansion, Day 1

(the camera zooms in to the front of the mansion)

Brian: (voiceover) What you’re about to see is a social experiment, designed to find out if seven beautiful women and seven geeks can help each other to become a whole lot more…

And, no, I don’t write all my lines. I’m just the host.

Let’s meet our contestants.

Anna: (a 5’6”, 21-year-old woman with bright red hair and fair skin: “Aspiring Socialite; Boulder, CO”) Right now, I’m just a waitress, and a student, but—you’re gonna laugh and misquote me or something—but my goal is to be like Paris Hilton or something. You’re laughing! Stop it! I’d like to be a socialite, not ‘cause I don’t like work, but because I’m just a social person. Maybe I’ll be a professional party guest or something, I don’t know. And, no, there’s no sex video of me out there. (knocks on her wooden chair) Stop judging me!

Interviewer: Who is the current Secretary of State?

Anna: Is he on one of the dollar bills?

Josh: (a 5’9”, 28-year-old man with short brown hair, slightly rotund: “Video Game Master; Gainesville, MO”) Yeah, I’m Josh. I organize professional LAN parties, and I usually part-time with some Sys-Admin stuff when I can. I build computers for people, as well. In fact, I’m listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for “Most Powerful Computer Built Inside of a NES game console.” You can special-order them off my website. I’m also currently working on several RPG’s, but I haven’t found a company who interested yet.

Interviewer: When was the last time you had a date?

Josh: Well, I had a blind date once in college… (pauses for a long time)

Constance: (a 5’3”, 22-year-old woman with shoulder-length, dark brown hair: “Eccentric Actress; New York, NY”) I’m a twit, and I’ll be the first to admit it. (smiles) I’m a stage actress. Because of my looks, I’m always cast as the eccentric, lovesick young lady, which is fine, because that’s exactly who I am anyway! (flairs her arms) I’m kind of on this show to get my name out, though at the same time, I’m afraid I’ll make fool out of myself on national TV. Oh, wait, I take that back. I don’t think I’m afraid of it after all.

Interviewer: What gases make up the atmosphere?

Constance: Which one? There’s more than one… or something. Oxygen. How else could we breathe? And maybe some carbon… (pauses to think) …dioxide, because if it were monoxide, it’d set off all our smoke detectors.

Jolie: (a 5’, 23-year-old woman with shoulder-length brown hair and heavy highlights: “French Tutor; Stone Mountain, GA”) I’m a professional tutor. My specialty is françias. I like working with young kids the most, because I’m five foot tall and I hate having everyone towering over me. It’s not a fear thing, ‘cause most guys are terrified of me because they think I’m so pretty. I’ve even been described as an angel. (sighs)

Interviewer: Maybe use it to seduce a guy on the show?

Jolie: What kind of girl do you think I am? (epiphany) Oh, like Erika! Yeah, no.

Interviewer: Is a whale a mammal or a fish?

Jolie: (flatly) A mammal. I’m pretty and I’m sociable; I’m not stupid.

Interviewer: Which is greater, two-fifths or five-eights?

Jolie: You’re not allowed to ask me math questions.

Matt: (a 5’10’, 25-year-old man with brown hair and a perpetual grin: “IQ of 128; Plano, TX”) I’m an Eagle Scout, which I really don’t think makes me geeky, but I recall you had an Assistant Scoutmaster on the show, so whatever. I do have an IQ of 128, which is pretty good. My real first name is “Lawrence.” Do with that what you will. I’ve had girlfriends, but there’s no way I could walk up to a girl, like in a bar, and ask her out.

Chris: (a 5’5”, 23-year-old man with dark brown hair and olive skin: “Computer Programmer; Savannah, GA”) I’m a computer programmer, just completed my Masters in Computer Science from Georgia Tech. As I recall, Eric the programmer was gone by Episode 1 of Season 1, so that’s not a good precedent. I’m an Eagle Scout; is that geeky? Shawn was, but he lasted longer, so that’s good. My first date was at 17, and I’ve yet to kiss a girl on the lips… like Richard. (laughs to himself) Wow, I’m more of a geek than I thought!

Oakleigh: (a 5’7”, 27-year-old woman, with curly auburn hair: “Hollywood Aficionado; Santa Monica, CA”) (with a serious tone) Let’s get one thing straight: I do look good in a bikini, but I am not a total ditz nor am I anorexic. I exercise and eat right to maintain a good figure. (smiles) However, I’d be lying to you if I didn’t admit that I am completely celeb-obsessed. Currently, I’m trying to a get a job as a P.A. for some actor or actress. I thought this be good P.R., you know?

Interviewer: What is the diameter of the earth?

Oakleigh: Well, it’s about three thousand miles from LA to New York. (pauses and uses her finger to draw in the air) Can I have a map?

Kayley: (a 5’4”, 22-year-old woman, with long, dirty blond hair: “Miss Louisiana Contestant; Shreveport, LA”) (thick Louisiana accent apparent) I was the first runner-up in last year’s Miss Louisiana pageant. I currently studying to become a vet because… well, I like kitties. (giggles) On the side, I do model for local magazines.

Interviewer: Nude?

Kayley: (contemptuously, through her teeth) Once. And it was an advertisement, not a girlie magazine, and I didn’t show anything. (defensively) Vet school is expensive! (rolls her eyes) And so are clothes.

Interviewer: Who is Francisco de Goya?

Kaylee: He was a Mexican novelist, right? No, no, no! He assassinated Woodrow Wilson and that’s what started World War II. I think. The Nazis had something to do with it, too.

James: (a 5’10”, 25-year-old man, with short, blond hair: “Perpetual Academic; Tulsa, OK”) I would describe myself as a “perpetual academic.” I’m an assistant professor of classical studies and private tutor at University of Tulsa, where I’m about to start my second masters in Religious Studies with a concentration in Biblical Archeology. Yes, I was one of those people who enjoyed going to school. And, no, I haven’t grown out of it.

Interviewer: Is Madonna married?

James: Yeah, to Joseph of Nazareth. If it didn’t happen before 1900, I’m not going to be 100% sure of it. Uh, she’s got a kid, but that means nothing in Hollywood. I have no clue.

Aubrey: (a 5’5”, 25-year-old woman, with bleached blond hair: “Fashion Expert; Miami Beach, FL”) My role model is Ginger from Gilligan’s Island. Just her whole persona; I really relate to her. I’m not an actress, though. I work sales at Champagne Threads, a woman’s clothing line in Florida. It’s halfway between fashion and business, where I can use my br— (clears throat) …looks to my advantage. You got the picture of me in a bikini, right?

Interveiwer: Who is Isaac Newton?

Aubrey: I’ve got it narrowed down to a president, an army dude, an artist, a writer, a scientist, or a philosopher from either Europe or the United States sometime between… the Fall of Rome and now. Or maybe before the fall of Rome. When was that? And, really, I’ve been to Rome; it’s still there.

Xander: (a 5’7”, 24-year-old man, with brown hair: “Theoretical Physicist; Pasadena, CA”) (a rapid monotone) So, just how dorky do you have to be to get on this show? I graduated valedictorian from my high school with a 4.4. I graduated Caltech in three years with a major in Theoretical Physics with a minor in CIS, where I continue to do research. (sits back) What? My social skills? If anything, underdeveloped. I focused heavily on my education and I would definitely state I’m behind the curve. As much as I’m on show for the competition, I’m hoping it will be a learning experience in that aspect of my life as well.

Jessie: (a 5’5”, 24-year-old woman, with bronze-blond hair: “Personal Trainer; Jefferson, SC”) My mom’s a PE teacher, so I’ve always been in shape. I was athletic, but not a tomboy. I liked make-up, and getting dressed up. I mean, I still like it. And working out, too. I am what you would call an “endorphin junkie.” Are you gonna make me put on a bikini for this interview? I mean, I’ll do it, but just curious. I think it’d be tacky, but whatever.

Interviewer: Who is the current Pope?

Jessie: Of what country?

Riley: (a 5’11”, 28-year-old man, with close-cropped brown hair: “Astrophysics Professor; Philadelphia, PA”) I’m an assistant professor of astrophysics at U Penn, and my colleagues suggested I try out for this show, because, well, I’m 28 and I’ve never had that serious of a girlfriend. They said I’d “get a lot of action.” When I tell people I’m an astrophysicist, they look at me like I’ve got an oversized head. Astrophysics is pretty cut and dry. It’s a lot easier than say, quantum physics. Plus, I’m pretty active in service groups, so I have a pretty respectable résumé. (pause) Now you’re looking at me like I’m sort of giant-brained superhero.

Kendall: (a 5’8”, 26-year-old man, with rust-colored hair, heavy freckles, and glasses: “Molecular Biochemist; Lansing, IL”) (folds his hand and over-enunciates) So, anyway, when I first saw your show, and I realized my true calling in life was to be a reality show geek. I am, of course, a Magna Cum Laude graduate of University of Chicago in Molecular Biology. I split my research projects between my alma mater and Northwestern University. Also, I cannot get a date to save my life! I have a terrible time grasping social skills. I’m a dweeb. Now, who could be more perfect for the show than I? Am I in?

(“I’ve got the brains… you’ve got the looks… let’s make lots of money…”)

Brian: And let’s welcome them to the mansion.

(a blue Acura RL drives up, and Riley gets out)

(a copper Infiniti FX35 drives up, and Matt gets out)

(a gold Scion xB drives up, and Kendall gets out)

(a red Toyota Prius drives up, and Xander gets out)

(a silver Pontiac Vibe drives up, and Chris gets out)

(a gray Volkswagen Passat drives up, and James gets out)

(a white Mazda RX-8 drives up, and Josh gets out)

Brian: Welcome, guys, come on in. (leads them to the right waiting room of the mansion)

(a blue Volkswagen Jetta, and Jolie gets out)

(a steel blue Pontiac Sunfire, and Constance gets out)

(a red Mazda Miata, and Aubrey walks out)

(a beige Chevrolet Cavalier convertible, and Jessie walks out)

(a plum Mini Cooper, and Kayley walks out)

(a charcoal PT Cruiser, and Oakleigh walks out)

(a red Dodge Neon, and Anna walks out)

Brian: Ladies, if you’ll follow me. (leads them to the left waiting room of the mansion)

Scene 2: The Right Waiting Room

(the guys sitting at the various couches and chairs)

Brian: Welcome, guys. You’ve all seen the show, so I figure you all know why you’re here. Now, bear with me as I give the obligatory monologue, because, let’s face it, Kutcher only pays me the big bucks if I pretend like I’m having as much fun here as I was on TRL.

You guys are fluent in the languages of math, science, and computers. But not the language of love. You’re probably more familiar with the lyrics of William Shakespeare than will.i.am. (several of the guys don’t get this) You can soup up a car or a computer, but can you soup up your outfit or your own hair style? Well, hopefully, we can change that, because right across the hall are seven gorgeous women who probably couldn’t get a single question right on Jeopardy! but they might be able to help you win $250,000.

Scene 3: The Left Waiting Room

(the girls sitting on the various couches and chairs)

Brian: Welcome, ladies. You’ve all seen the show, so I figure you all can guess why you’re here. But I’m going to tell you anyway, because, without this, all I’ve got is Superstar U.S.A.

Any of you could walk into a bar and take the man of your choosing, but you’re beyond hopeless if given the Bar Exam. Your names are synonymous with “photogenic,” but you’d be hard-pressed to define either “synonymous” or “photogenic” if it weren’t for the context. You’re all familiar with pop culture, but what happens when we take away the “pop”? (the girls’ eyes widen) But have no fear, because in the room adjacent from this are seven guys who get almost every question right on Jeopardy! However, they might be able to help you win $250,000. Now, if you’ll excuse me, you gals get the first pick, so I’ll send someone over.

(in the guys’ room)

Brian: Okay, guys, it’s time. Who’s going over first?

Matt: (“I.Q. of 128”) I’ll do it. (walks over, takes a breath before entering the room with all eyes on him) Hey, I’m Matt, from Plano, TX, which is right outside of Dallas. I’m an electrical engineer. And… I have an IQ of 128, which is one of the powers of two. (a couple of the girls exchange glances; Matt laughs at himself) Anyway, I’ll be waiting outside.

Matt: (interview room) Dang it! I was supposed to be prepared! I knew this was coming. I volunteered because I was mentally prepared, and I almost blew it! Sheesh!

Anna: (the redheaded “aspiring socialite” walks out) Hi, I’m Anna.

Matt: Matt. (they shake hands, walk upstairs and choose a room)

Anna: (interview room) Matt was kind of cute, but I mostly picked him because I think his mellow nature would be a good balance for my kind of (makes hand gestures indicating scatter-brained) -ishness.

Matt: Anna was very beautiful, and though I kind of like redheads, she seems kind of (makes a similar hand gesture) scatter-brained.

(inside the girls’ room, Oakleigh volunteers, the auburn-haired “Hollywood aficionado”, and goes over)

Oakleigh: Hello. I’m Oakleigh. I’m from Hollywood, sort of. I have an excellent grasp on popular culture, so I think I’d be an excellent partner. I’m assuming you’re all smart. (smiles) Anyway, please pick me. (exits)

Xander: (the “theoretical physicist”; walks out) Hello, I’m Xander.

Oakleigh: (takes his hand with both of hers) Oakleigh.

Xander: (interview room; matter-of-fact) Yes, Oakleigh was very attractive. She has a great smile and I did like her hair. Don’t ask me why. But the real reason that I picked her was her claim to have a grasp on pop culture. I think I’m more than decent in the general academia area, and I think we’d make a strong team.

(Chris, the dark-haired computer programmer, is pushed out of the curtain)

Chris: (back at the curtain) Well, apparently me next. (gulps as he stares at the curtain before entering, emits a nervous laugh to start out, but smiles just the same) Hi, I’m Chris, or Christopher, either’s fine. I’m a, uh, computer programmer. Easy to see why I got on this show. My… (thinks for a moment) my composure may be failing me right now, but I’m a very strategy-minded person and a big fan of the show. I want to win… (seems transfixed on something) Okay. (walks out)

(when he’s gone, the other girls giggle)

Aubrey: (the bleach blonde “fashion expert”) Isn’t anyone gonna take him?

Jolie: (the petite French tutor; jumps up) Oh, I’ll take him. You’re missing out. (exits) Hey, I’m Jolie.

Chris: (after being confounded momentarily) Chris.

Jolie: I know. (takes the initiative by extending her hand, which he readily takes)

Chris: (with sudden calmness) It’s very nice to meet you. (he motions to the stairs and takes a few steps before releasing her hand)

Chris: (interview room) When I walked into that room, I was terrified. I’ve had public speaking courses, but there was no preparing myself for a room full of extremely beautiful women. And there was this one petite… goddess of a woman. And there was the brown-haired one. (flustered) Then a blond one. The other one was ridiculously beautiful, too. And I got a really pretty one; the first one I mentioned… petite one. (rubs his face) I’m so awkward.

Jolie: (interview room) Okay, I don’t know what was up with the other girls. They’re shallow, I guess, but I actually wanted Chris. At first, he didn’t seem too different than the other guy. A little bit shorter, but look who’s talking. (her information subtitle changes from “French Teacher” to “French Teacher; Height: 5' ”) But right in the middle of his spiel, he looked at me, straight at me… and his whole personality changed. I saw something in him. This guy could take me all the way. (laughs) Is that stupid as it sounds?

(Kayley, the Louisianan beauty pageant contestant, walks over, runway style, and straight into the room; all of the guys’ jaws drop)

Kayley: (Southern accent) Hey, guys, I’m Kayley, and I am a vet-in-trainin’, and by chance if any of you are from Louisiana, you might have recognized me from the Miss Louisiana pageant. (they exchange worried glances; Kayley sees this) It’s okay if you haven’t. I’ve probably gotta picture in my suitcase. You know, I didn’t prepare anything, but I hope that one of you will still want to be my partner. Alright? (walks out)

(all four geeks leap from their seats and crash to the floor; and scamper toward the curtain, Kendall, the red-headed molecular biologist, pulls ahead, gets up, emits a proud laugh and walks out)

Kayley: Was that you laughin’?

Kendall: (pretends to consider it) No, I’m pretty sure not. (shrugs) Kendall. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Kayley: Pleasure to meet you, too. (gives him a two-million dollar smile and she takes his outstretched arm as they ascend the stairs)

Kendall: (interview room) I was victorious! (raises his arms and stands up in his chair, prancing around the chair) Kayley was (high voice) so hot. Richard, I’m channeling you, buddy.

Kayley: (interview room) It was really nice that I got a partner. It took a second before anyone came out and I was scared that none of them liked me. Well, I could tell they thought I was pretty, the way they were starin’. I really don’t think I showed myself to be competitive enough. It’s just a different way of lookin’ competitive than I’m used to with my pageants. Guess looks aren’t everything.

James: (the blond “perpetual academic”; walks out of the curtain and only pauses to adjust his shirt before entering, where he examines the three remaining contestants briefly) Hey, I’m James. I’m an assistant professor at University of Tulsa, Classical Studies. I think you’ll find me as a much mellower geek, still fun. And I’ll warn you; you don’t want the other two guys. (winks and laughs) Anyway, see you soon.

(the girls give each other pensive looks before Constance jumps up and meets James)

Constance: (the “eccentric actress”; brightly smiles) I’m Constance.

James: Excellent. Shall we? (motions towards the stairs and they walk up together)

James: (interview room) Constance seemed okay. Cute as a button, and I prefer that over girls who try to look like sultry. That aside, she seemed… bubbly. She’ll be easy to deal with. I’m very satisfied.

Constance: (interview room) James seemed alright. Matt turned me off because he obviously was over-prepared, unnatural. I’m an actress; I would know. That other guy, Chris? He wasn’t prepared, but more natural; I could have worked with that, but that little Jolie chick went territorial after one scoff from that slutty-looking blonde chick. I’m glad it turned out this way. James was much more confident. Worked out great.

(“Personal Trainer” Jessie walks over, fixing her hair before entering)

Jessie: My name’s Jessie. I’m a personal trainer. (pulls her hair back) Um, it’d be nice to win the money, but I’d like to make some friends, too. Not to say I won’t be competitive, because I’m a really competitive person. (pulls her hair again) So, see one of you soon. (exits)

(after a quick exchange of glances, Riley gets up)

Riley: (the astrophysics professor) Hey, I’m Riley.

Jessie: Hey, nice to meet you. Thanks for picking me.

Riley: (interview room) I don’t know what the other guy was looking for, because he was obviously unimpressed by Jessie. Me, on the other hand, though Jessie was perfect. She seemed sweet and friendly, both traits I love. And, if she’s competitive, I’ll match it and we might just win this thing.

Jessie: (interview room) Riley was a real decent-seeming guy. Kind of cute, in that boy-next-door kind of way. Plus, the other guy looked like he needed my services bad. Okay, that wasn’t very polite.

(Aubrey and computer expert Josh walk out and appraise each other)

Aubrey: (interview room) Okay, so I got last pick. It seemed worth it. After seeing Matt, that Chris guy—what that short chick Jolie saw in him, I don’t know—, and James, who was a tad too wholesome for my tastes, I’m not sure I wanted to see the other guys. Josh seemed pretty typical to me. I’ve got a plan anyway.

Josh: (interview room) Holy crap! This Aubrey chick was the hottest so far. Now, the beauty pageant chick was definitely hot, but Aubrey had some serious curves. There’s no way I got the bad end of this deal.

Scene 4: Chris and Jolie’s Room

(the two sitting on a white bed)

Chris: Where’re you from?

Jolie: Stone Mountain, Georgia.

Chris: (smiles) No way. I’m from Savannah, and I just graduated from Georgia Tech in CS. Atlanta’s close to Stone Mountain, right?

Jolie: Yeah, it’s a suburb. (smiles) Do you not get out?

Chris: Not enough, apparently.

Scene 5: Josh and Aubrey’s room

(the two are chatting while they examine their living quarters)

Josh: (interview room) We got a double bed! (does a victory pull) I wonder what she wears to bed.

Aubrey: (interview room) Okay, here’s how I see it. Josh: completely under my control. He’d be better suited to me if he was on another team, but I’ll work with it. My plan is make the guys not want to send me away. Anyway, James is a lost cause, too goody-two-shoes. The dweebish Kendall guy will be no sweat. Xander almost seemed asexual, but I’m not giving up yet. Jolie probably has Chris under her spell, so he might be trouble. Matt and Riley are wild cards. It’ll be a challenge to woo them, but that’s why I’m here. (smiles almost evilly)

(Josh seats himself in chair; Aubrey leans against the dresser)

Josh: So, you ever play Final Fantasy?

Aubrey: The video game?

Josh: Yeah. The original one? What was your team?

Aubrey: Come again?

Josh: You could pick your team in the original. You were probably a fighter, a black belt, a black mage, and a white mage, right?

Aubrey: I have no freakin’ idea.

Josh: Never mind. You want to know my team? Three fighters and a red mage. How does that sound? (Aubrey doesn’t answer, just gives him a look) Maybe you’re more familiar with Tactics?

Aubrey: (interview room) Dweebazoid! Complete dweebazoid! I don’t play video games. I make my boyfriends turn them off so we can… go on dates.

Scene 6: Riley and Jessie’s room

(Riley is on the floor and Jessie helping him stretch his legs back)

Jessie: Okay, other leg. (Riley readjusts)

Riley: (interview room) She helped me stretch a little. It felt good. The stretching did, too. Anyway, I don’t know if they’ll show it, but then I helped her stretch. She was an inch away from kicking the flooring behind her shoulder. (laughs to himself) I’m really not this shallow. I do community service! Lots of it!

Scene 7: Matt and Anna’s Room

(Matt is lying on the bed; Anna is walking the perimeter of the room)

Anna: There’s no phone!

Matt: Anna, didn’t you read the agreement? We’re not allowed to have contact with the outside world.

Anna: Who do I talk to?

Matt: Me, or the other contestants.

Anna: (considers it) Okay. Let’s go see who else hooked up.

Matt: Okay, but we might want to watch our clichés.

Scene 8: The Next Morning, 6:00 AM

(the sheets on Chris and Jolie’s bed are pulled out and twisted; Chris in a oversized teeshirt and pajama pants is lying on his back, hugging the sheets with his right arm and his left arm half-around Jolie, in a pink tank top and pajama shorts, who lying on a pillow which is on top of Chris’s chest)

(James, in shorts and a tee-shirt, is twisted in the comforter with his arm hanging over the bed, Constance, in a purple tank top and black pajama shorts, is twisted in the sheets, her pillow on the floor and on leg hanging over the bed)

(a messy-haired Matt in green boxers and a white tee-shirt is lying face down on the bed with Anna, in a pink nightgown, lying at the foot of the bed with her head on his legs)

(Riley, in blue pajama pants and a white tee-shirt, is diagonal across the bed; Jessie, in a sports bra and biker shorts, has her hair in a ponytail and is doing crunches beside the bed)

(Kendall is wide awake, looking stunned on the bed as Kayley is asleep beside him, grasping his arm, in a belly-revealing top and loose tropical-themed, yellow pajama pants)

(Xander, in a pajama set, is sleeping on his back with arms behind his head and Oakleigh, in navy pajama pants and an oversized white tee-shirt is peacefully on her side; their covers are in perfect condition)

(Aubrey is asleep with the covers kicked off the bed in a red silk chemise; Josh, in boxers and a white tee-shirt is asleep, facing her, his face near her chest, and his socked feet hanging over the edge)

(later that morning, in Matt and Anna’s room; Anna, Jolie, and Constance, in robes, are all sitting in front of the bureau, helping each do their hair and make-up; Chris, Matt, and James, dressed and ready in casual clothes, watch)

James: They do realize that all of the rooms have mirrors, right?

(in Aubrey and Josh’s room, Aubrey shows off her outfit to Josh: a tight tee showing an inch of midriff and denim miniskirt)

Josh: I like it.

Aubrey: You’ve liked everything. Let me try on one more top. Look away. (pulls off her shirt and pulls on a low-cut V-collar shirt with flared sleeves) Now?

Josh: I think I like it better.

(in Riley and Jessie’s room; the two are doing stretches)

Jessie: Okay, arms out, now I want you to lower your body using only your knees.

(Riley grimaces as he rises and sinks, with her behind him, pushing his arms up and down)

Scene 9: The Meeting Room, Day 2

(the fourteen contestants enter)

(Jolie tries to sit in a tall chair and Chris grabs her around the waist and sits her down and leans against the back of the chair while she shoots him a look)

(Aubrey skillfully bounces into the opposite chair and Josh stand behind her)

(Kendall offers Kayley a spot on the couch, but she jumps onto the armrest, so Kendall sits on the right edge beside her)

(Constance pushes James to the left side of the couch, jumps on other arm and lays her feet across the very annoyed-looking James)

(Anna lies across the back of the couch while Matt looks half-embarrassed for her)

(Oakleigh and Jessie squeeze into the remaining spots on the couch, crossing their legs almost in sync while Xander and Riley, who’s rubbing his thighs, sit on the floor in front of them; Jessie unconsciously starts to rub Constance’s feet)

Brian: Comfortable? (he receives nods and affirmations) So, how was your first night?

Josh: Great! (Aubrey crosses her legs)

(a few more good’s and fine’s)

Brian: So, you’re probably wondering about your first challenge. Well, don’t let me keep you waiting. Girls, your first challenge will involve computers. I’m sure you are all familiar with computers, but do you know how they work? How well do you know in the ins and outs of the hardware and software? (the girls visibly cringe) Well, luckily for you, you have some pretty technically-inclined partners. We also have Computers for Dummies for your convenience.

Anna: (giggling) You calling us dummies?

Brian: (pretends to ignore her) Guy, we also have a Dummies book for you. (holds up a Personal Fitness for Dummies book; the guys have mixed results; some grimace, others look deflated; Riley holds his hand up and Jessie slides her hand against his with a confident smile) You have the rest of the day. Competitions are at ten tomorrow morning. See you then.

(they leave)

Scene 10: Upstairs

(in Matt and Anna’s room)

Anna: So, what do you know about physical fitness?

Matt: I did the merit badge about ten years ago.

Anna: Do you ever go to the gym?

Matt: No, I play Ultimate Frisbee with my friends. We stretch, but it’s nothing special. What do you know about computers?

Anna: I know turn mine on. I can e-mail and IM and write reports.

Matt: Can you turn on any computer?

Anna: As long as it has a circle button on the box thing.

Matt: The CPU tower.

Anna: I thought the CPU was the brain of the computer.

Matt: Yeah, it is…

Anna: I always figured the brain would be inside the TV thing.

Matt: The monitor?! (to himself) We’re screwed.

(Jolie and Chris are reading their books)

Chris: Tell me, Jolie, how much do you know about exercise?

Jolie: Well, actually, heart disease is pretty prevalent on my dad’s side. I’ve already shown signs of a condition called tachycardia, where my heart beats faster than normal, so I don’t do a lot of strenuous or fast-paced activity. I walk and do low-impact aerobics to keep in shape.

Chris: Wow, you’re very open. I like it. (reads some more) What are “pilots?”

Jolie: Pilots?

Chris: (shows her the page) Some kind of exercise technique.

Jolie: (looks at the page) Pilates? (pronounces it correctly: “Pih-lah-teez”)

Chris: (smiles) Oh! I’ve heard of those. They sound like some kind of fancy little snack sticks that you used to stir coffee.

Jolie: (looks at him incredulously) I think you’re thinking of biscottis.

Christopher: (asks her testily) What’s the difference between RAM and ROM?

Jolie: Uh. (wide-eyed; starts to leaf through her book)

(Jessie and Riley’s room)

Jessie: (poking him in the arm and thigh) Biceps, triceps, quadriceps… You’ve got a little bit of tone. How many pull-ups can you do?

Riley: Ten or fifteen, maybe.

Jessie: Better than a lot of people.

(Xander and Oakleigh’s room)

Oakleigh: (raises her arms) Up. Side. Down. And back up. That’s working your shoulder muscles. Okay, sit down…

(James and Constance’s room)

James: (Computers for Dummies is open in front of him) This is the processor. It directs the activities of all the other parts. Do you know binary? I love binary. May I teach it to you?

Constance: (distracted) Excuse me?

James: (interview room) Okay, my worst fears have come true. I was afraid that Constance was ADD. Turns out I’m right. I might have to do a song and dance to keep her focused.

Scene 11: The Dining Room, Day 3

(Brian is standing in the room; instead of a large dining table, there are seven simple computer desks with two large boxes beside them)

(the teams enter)

Brian: Welcome, everyone. Ladies, if you each stand by a desk. Gentlemen, please stand against the wall. Ladies, I hope you’ve studied hard, because we have a computer for each of you. Brand new. (the girls exchange glances with their partners and each other) You task is to assemble these computers and send an e-mail to Ashton Kutcher, whose address you’ll find on your respective desks. (several of the girls grab the slips of paper and put them in their pockets)

(A/N: This was written months before the real season 2; they stole it from me)

Anna: [email protected]?

Brian: If you all are ready. You may begin… now.

(the girls sprint into action, many of them clawing at the tape with their fingers)

Kayley: Ow! (looks at her nail; looks around and sees Constance using scissors, so she scours her desk and finds a pair on the keyboard tray)

Brian: It looks like Jessie has pulled ahead (she easily lifting the monitor, tower, and printer to their appropriate places and looks at the mess of cords, wide-eyed) But she looks stumped by the wires. Now Anna’s catching up. (struggles to lift the various components into their places; when she looks behind her, she sees both Constance and Jolie are not far behind)

(Aubrey is still casually removing pieces from her first box)

(the girls start to run to the walls of the room for the plugs; their partners cheer them on)

Brian: Looks like several of the girls have turned their computers on.

Oakleigh: My screen’s not working! (looks behind it and sees a cord dangling; it’s an electrical plug, so she runs to the wall again)

(Jolie’s, Anna’s, and Constance’s computers have all booted up)

Brian: Jolie, Anna, and Constance have taken a strong lead, but Jessie’s not far behind. Now, Oakleigh’s gotten her monitor hooked up. Aubrey is still fooling with the cords. Kayley’s machine doesn’t seem to be working.

(all the guys look very stressed out)

(simultaneously, Anna’s and Constance’s faces drop)

Anna: Where’s e-mail?

Brian: Just a reminder, guys, you cannot help your partners or your team will be disqualified.

(Riley is motioning to psychically move his thoughts to Jessie, mouthing, “Outlook, Outlook, Outlook”)

Jolie: (smiles, she has Internet Explorer opened and is downloading AIM Mail) Yes!

Constance: (has opened Outlook, but is looking perplexed at a window) How do I hook this thing up?

Anna: Yahoo!

Constance: (eyes wide, closes Outlook and opens Internet Explorer and types in “yahoo mail” in the search bar) Duh!

(Jolie and Anna look at each other back and forth)

Kayley: (shrieking) Where is it! (rooting desperately through her pockets and into her shirt; Kendall laughs but still looks worried)

(Aubrey is staring at the Blue Screen of Death; Josh is banging his head against the wall)

(Jolie is typing a message when Anna screams “Done!”)

Chris: Keep going! (Brian gives him a dirty look; Chris yells at him) That wasn’t helping! Go!

(Jolie’s printer comes to life; she rips it out after it’s gotten past the printing stage and slams it on her desk)

(moments later, Constance joins thems; other printers go off)

(Aubrey’s computer is just now finished rebooting)

Brian: (walks around, picking up the sheets) Constance, you typed the address in wrong. I’m sorry.

(she looks dejected and sees a message from MailerDaemon in her inbox)

Brian: Jolie, yours looks good. (looks at the next page) But so does Anna’s. We have our winner.

(Jolie groans and walks into Chris, who smiles and holds her, stroking her hair)

Chris: It’s okay, you were incredible and only lost by half a second. Anna should be shaking in her Ugg boots. (she just knocks her head into his shoulder a couple of times)

James: (giving Constance a chaste hug) Good job. Sorry about the typo. (chuckles)

Constance: (chuckles) Oh, I was doing so well. That was hard!

(Kayley is in the background, filing her nails)

Josh: (interview room) Gee, I thought we worked harder than that. I’m a computer expert!

Jolie: (interview room) Anna won fair and square. I should have used my current e-mail account. I didn’t think!

(A/N: I would like to stay for the record that I conceived of this idea before the producers of the show did.)

Scene 12: Outside the Mansion

(a very large mat is set out, with eight parallel perforations creating seven private, two-walled cubes)

Brian: Welcome, guys. Are you ready for your next task? If so, each one of you may enter into your own box. Ladies, feel free to stand behind your partners and encourage them, but, remember, if you help your partner in any way, your team will be disqualified. (they each get into their own box) Okay, here’s how the game works. I will give you five questions related to fitness which may require you to use your body to demonstrate. If you get it right, you earn a point. Your partners will keep score with the cards. And there’s no point in cheating, ladies. You’ll notice our impartial judges sitting at that table over there. Ready? Please show me your quadriceps.

(Riley, Xander, and Kendall immediately put their hand on their thighs; Chris debates for a moment, and does likewise; Josh holds his butt; James selects his upper chest; Matt choices his wrists)

Brian: (laughing lightly) Okay, the correct answer was your thighs. (puts his hand on his legs)

(Jessie, Oakleigh, Kayley, and Jolie all hold up a “1” card)

Brian: Next question: Show me the lotus position in yoga.

(Riley sits down and puts one leg over the other; Chris sits down and crosses his legs without using his hands; Jolie giggles; Xander pulls his legs into the position, but they slip apart; Kendall can’t even get one leg over the other; Josh does a ballerina pose; Matt and James both hold out upturns palms by their sides)

Brian: I’m going to bring out Andrea to show you the correct pose.

(a woman in yoga tights sits down and cross her legs over her knees in the lotus position)

Brian: Ladies, please give your partners credit for the move if they were able to get into it for at least an instant. Half of the exercise was to be stretched and ready.

(Jessie, Oakleigh, and Jolie hold up “2” cards)

Josh: (interview room) Houston, we have a problem. I am kind of… morally opposed to exercise and that kind of thing.

Brian: (as he’s speaking a man walks by and leaves small hand weight in front of each geek) For your next exercise, I want you to show me how to exercise the muscles on the posterior side of your upper arm.

(Riley and Xander lift the weights with upper arm extended out, pulling the weight from straight down to horizontal; Chris realizes where the posterior side of his upper arm, but is twisting his arm trying to figure out how to exercise it; Matt is lifting the weight in the typical manner; James is holding the weight straight up and bringing it down onto his shoulder; Kendall is on one knee, pulling the weight up and down with both hand and making a spectacle of himself; Josh is shaking the weight, holding it on the end, looking at it like it’s some sort of alien artifact)

Brian: (can’t stop laughing) Okay, time’s up. (grabs a weight and uses it in the same manner as Riley and Xander) That’s how it’s done.

(Jessie and Oakleigh hold up “3” cards; Jolie a “2” card, and Kayley a “1” card; Aubrey has long since lost interest and is examining her nails; Constance and Anna are rolling their eyes at each other)

Riley: (interview room) Man, was I prepared. Jess was an expert in all this stuff.

Xander: (interview room) Oakleigh was great for this game. She is extremely health-conscious. That’s not to say I’m not worried about Riley. Jessie’s a personal trainer as I recall.

Brian: Our next question deals with eating right. Inside your cubes you will find a white board with a blank diagram of the food pyramid. Please fill these out with the correct food groups. Go!

Chris: (interview room) My mom’s a dietitian. I know what the food pyramid like the back of my hand. (absentmindedly displays the back of his hand)

Riley: (interview room) Jessie made me do drills over the food pyramid.

Brian: Okay, let’s see you did. (walks by Josh, who has filled the pyramid with different types of junk food, gives him a thumbs down; he looks at Xander, thumbs down)

Xander: We didn’t do the food pyramid. Oakleigh’s on Adkins, so we didn’t review it. I almost had it, but I couldn’t figure out what besides meat when in on the third level.

(Brian looks at Kendall’s, thumbs up)

Kendall: (interview room) I went the pre-med route. Had lots of health classes.

(Matt gets a thumbs-up, as do Chris, James, and Riley)

Jessie: (interview room) I worked Riley’s butt off last night. Look like it worked out.

Brian: Very good, guys, last question. Now, before we start, ladies, would you please come over here and show everyone the current scores.

Riley: (upon seeing he’s in the lead, with 4 points) All right!

Josh: Whoops. (upon seeing he’s the only one with no points)

Brian: Now, on your boards, please spell, “Schwarzenegger” as in “Arnold Schwarzenegger,” former body-builder, actor, and current president of California. (gets incredulous looks) There was a lengthy article on him in your books, guys.

(Josh shows his: “SWARTZENEGER”)

(Xander shows his: “SCHWARZENEGGER”)

Xander: (interview room) I did a report on Arnold Schwarzenegger once.

(Kendall shows his: “BRIAN SCHWARTZENEGGAR IS HOT, DUDE!!!”)

(Matt shows his: “SCHWARTZENAGER”)

(Chris shows his: “SCHWARTZENEGGER”)

(James shows his: “SCHWARZENEGGER”)

(Riley shows his: “SCHWARTZENEGGER”)

Brian: Good try, guys, but it looks like only Xander and James got it right. Which means, we have a tie, four-to-four between Xander and Riley. Gentlemen, please step forward for the tiebreaker.

Jolie: (hugging Chris) Whoo, you were on top of this game. Good job.

Constance: (patting James’s shoulder and interlacing her arm) Way to go. I can’t spell “Schwarzenegger.”

Anna: (seeing this) This is all your fault!

Matt: What?!

Anna: (lightly giggling) You are so gullible.

Brian: For the tiebreaker, you will be performing a physical challenge. With the help of your partners, you will do twenty sit-ups. You must then run to the pool behind the mansion, jump into the deep end of the pool, swim across it, and get out. Once out of the pool, you will find two poles with ropes hanging on them. First one to honk the horn on top wins.

Kendall: (a la army commander) Because you got to be all that you can be! (poses) So, can we do the obstacle course, too?

Brian: After Xander and Riley are done, it’s all yours.

Kendall: Yes!

Chris: (high-pitched) Whoo-hoo.

Jolie: Did that just come from you?

Chris: Yeah.

Kendall: Chris, I challenge you! (points at him)

Chris: (very serious) Bring it.

Kendall: Oh, I’ll bring it. (snaps a la Bring It On)

Xander: Kendall, I think I could go the rest of my life without ever seeing you do that again.

Kendall: Good thing they’re not recording this on tape or anything.

(Jessie has Riley doing stretches, and Oakleigh grabs Xander and makes him do them, too)

Brian: Contestants ready? (Riley and Xander get down on their backs, knees up, while Jessie and Oakleigh hold down their feet) Okay, go!

(Xander quickly does ten push-ups in a row, but takes a second to breathe; Riley, though slower, has set a decent pace and is already at eight when Xander starts his eleventh, slower than him)

(Xander finishes a second earlier than Riley and takes off for the pool; he jumps in without taking his shirt or shoes off; Riley is in right after him; Xander, using powerful strokes, takes the lead; exiting the pool several strokes ahead of Riley)

(Xander grabs hold of the rope and starts to pull himself up slowly, using his arms and legs; Riley jump up and climbs up with a very rigid pace, eventually grabbing the horn while Xander is still only two-thirds the way up the rope)

Brian: (grabbing Riley’s hand) We have our winner. Congratulations, Riley.

Riley: Thanks. (collapses on the ground, where Jessie picks him up and starts to lead him to the mansion with one of his shoulders around her neck)

(Oakleigh grabs each of Xander’s arms and starts to drag him across the grass)

Xander: Okay, I think I can walk! (gets up)

Kendall: So, big man, what do you say?

Chris: I say, “Bring it.”

Kendall: Oh, I’ll—

Xander: Kendall!!!

(at this point, Xander, Riley, Jessie, and Oakleigh pause to watch)

(Chris and Kendall lie side by side as Kayley and Jolie hold their feet)

Brian: (smiling goofily) Go.

(Kendall takes off; Chris experiences trouble when Jolie is too small to hold his feet down)

Chris: (grunts) Use your knees!

(Jolie kneels on his feet and Chris takes off, slightly faster than Kendall, but far behind)

(Kendall leaps up while Chris has seven sit-ups to go)

Jolie: C’mon, c’mon! Eighteen! Nineteen! Twenty!!! Run, run!

(Chris emits another grunt, flips over, pulls himself up, and runs toward the pool, jumps in, and takes strong, but messy strokes)

(Kendall starts the rope with Chris still halfway down the pool; Kendall gasps and falls back onto the mat)

Kayley: Get back on! (Kendall does so, taking it slowly as Chris pulls himself from the pool, grabs onto the rope and steadily climbs up, easily overtaking Kendall; with a last-ditch effort, uses his feet to throw himself up, honking the horn before falling all the way down onto the luckily thick mat; Kendall follows suit without reaching the top)

(the two going into hysterics and hold their arms up when their partners look down at them above their heads)

Jolie: (not taking his hands) Really, Chris. I don’t think so. (starts laughing too, as does Kayley, who also doesn’t help her partner up)

(they, however, are dragged off and left in the grass by James and Matt, who begin their own competition)

(Jessie lays her partner on the grass and walks up to Chris and kneels over, poking his chest)

Jessie: You’ve got tone, too. What do you do?

Chris: (gasping for air) Racquetball?

Jessie: (smiles) Nice. (walks away to reclaim Riley)

Jolie: (interview room) Chris is many-faceted, it seems. Turns out he can be a really goober. Something I wouldn’t have found out if I weren’t partnered with him. I’m quick to blow off guys I’m not interested in.

Scene 13: The Meeting Room

(the teams meet together with Brain)

(the contestants have all changed clothes into something slightly nicer)

Brian: Well, guys, that was a lot of fun. But, the time has come to make a decision. Matt and Anna, Jessie and Riley, you each need to choose one team to go into the Elimination Room. The rest of you need to pack your bags, do some last minute studying if you wish, and say any good-byes that you’d like to. Meet back in the hallway in an hour. That’s all.

(exchanging glances, the teams exit)

Scene 14: Upstairs

(Matt and Anna’s room)

Matt: I don’t know. On the one hand, Chris and Jolie only lost by a hair. Strategically, we should send them.

Anna: I don’t know. Jolie’s pretty nice, and I know that’s not strategic. Though, if we send them, we run the risk that they’d win the Elimination Round, and carry a grudge. They’re good.

Matt: That was strategic.

Anna: Who do you think Riley and Jessie are going to pick?

(Riley and Jessie’s room)

Jessie: I’m telling you, we can’t just send Oakleigh and Riley. They were prepared, and there’s a good chance they’ll come out of the Elimination Room with a vengeance.

(Josh and Aubrey’s room)

Josh: (packing) We’re dead. We are so dead.

Aubrey: Shut up, Josh. We’re only dead if we’re sent to the Elimination Room. It’s too late to study. But listen, right now, we’re not a challenge. They have no reason to send us to the Elimination Room. Let’s look at the way things are. Anna, Jolie, and Constance seem to be making fast friends. They’ve probably got an informal alliance going, so they’re only safe from each other. Look, Kendall’s kind of annoying; I think he’s the easy target. Also, Xander and Oakleigh have shown themselves to be a serious threat. If it’s those two teams, the latter will probably win, and then there’s a rift between them and Jessie and Riley. Now, in retrospect, I’ve seen our mistake. We’re not networking. Starting tomorrow, we’re making friends.

(Jolie and Chris’s room)

Jolie: (sitting catatonic on the bed) I feel like a target.

Chris: (zipping up his bag) Huh?

Jolie: I was a close second in my challenge and you were a very close third on yours. We are the main competition!

Chris: (puts his hands on her shoulder) Look at me. Jolie, look at me. (she does) Be not afraid. There’re four teams which we might go up against. If it’s Aubrey and Josh, we’ll blow them out of the water so fast they won’t know what hit them.

Jolie: (smiling) I’d like that. Something about her just gets to me.

Chris: Now Kendall and Kayley are more formidable, but I think we’re better prepared. We go up again Constance and James, it’s a toss-up, though I think I’ve got a better grip on the fitness than James does. Now, in the case of Xander and Oakleigh, we’ve got some serious competition. Oakleigh trained Xander well, and I might be in trouble, but I think you’re much more familiar with the computers than Oakleigh.

Jolie: I don’t know.

Chris: (kisses her hair) We’ll cross that bridge when we get there, okay? (she hugs him tightly, and his confidence melts away and he himself looks a bit afraid)

Scene 15: The Main Hallway

(Matt and Anna, and Jessie and Riley stand at the bottom with Brian; the rest are on the staircase)

(the partners are holding hands tightly)

Brian: Anna and Matt, you get first pick.

Matt: I’d like to start out by saying it’s a shame that two of you have to leave so soon. None of us got to know one another as much as we would have liked. Please don’t take this personal, because we don’t want to start a rift. In fact, the two of you are formidable opponents, and we wouldn’t mind seeing you again, both on and off the proverbial battlefield. (he turns to Anna)

Anna: (takes a deep breath) We’ve chosen Xander and Oakleigh.

(Xander and Oakleigh exchange glances and nod; Aubrey looks unnerved by this)

Jessie: We almost regret our decision, because this team really brings a lot to this experience. In the short time, we’ve known you, we’ve come to like you a lot, but we had to make a decision. (turns to Riley)

Riley: We picked Kendall and Kayley.

(Jolie looks suddenly relieved, as if a huge burden has been taken off her)

Brian: Well, the choices have been made. Xander and Oakleigh, Kendall and Kayley, if you’ll follow me into the Elimination Room, we’ll get started. The rest of you may return to your rooms.

(the teams scatter up and down)

Scene 16: The Elimination Room

(the two couples stand at each platform)

Brian: Well, I hope you’re ready, because after this, two of you will stay and two of you will leave immediately. I hope you’re ready. (shows the question boards) We have six questions for each of the beauties and for the geeks. Gentlemen, would you please wait in the viewing room?

Xander: (turns to Oakleigh) You’ve got this. (grabs her hand)

Oakleigh: Yep. (nods)

Kendall: (in a Humphrey Bogart accent) Here’s lookin’ at choo, kid. We’re gonna win this thing. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of this show. I’m sayin’ it because it’s true.

Kayley: (giggling; kisses him on the cheek) Go to the room already. (pushes him away)

(Xander and Kendall leave)

Brian: Okay, ladies, you will each have a chance to pick one of these six numbered cards. Answer the question correctly and your team will earn a point. As a reminder, your partners can see you in the viewing room. (Kayley waves)

(in the viewing room, Kendall waves back)

Xander: She can’t see you.

Kendall: I know.

(in the Elimination Room)

Brian: Kayley, you have first pick.

Kayley: Three.

Brian: (Reading Card #3) What is base-two numeral system which is used in the circuitry of all modern computers, excluding quantum computers?

(interview room)

Kendall: Quantum computers? What are those?

Xander: Non-commercial, experimental computers that store data differently.

Kendall: It’s okay, it’s an easy question.

(Elimination Room)

Kayley: Uh, Cobalt?

(viewing room)

Xander: What?

Kendall: I think she means COBOL.

(Elimination Room)

Brian: I’m sorry; that’s incorrect. The correct answer was “binary.” Oakleigh, your pick.

Oakleigh: Four.

Brian: What measurement of memory is approximately 8 billion bits?

(viewing room)

Xander: C’mon Oakleigh. We did this. Giga- means billion.

Kendall: (mimicking him) She can’t hear you.

Xander: (annoyed tone) I know.

(Elimination Room)

Oakleigh: (hard in thought) Eight billion bytes. That’s more than a… Gig. (to Brian) Terabyte?

Brian: I’m sorry. The correct answer was a gigabyte, which is approximately a billion bytes, and eight billion bits.

Oakleigh: Ugh!

Brian: Kayley, please choose another card.

Kayley: Five.

Brian: Founded in September of 1997, this search engine became one of the most powerful for its ability to find the most coherent web pages based on hyperlinking technology.

Kayley: (unsure) Google?

Brian: (dramatic pause) That is correct. The score is one for Kendall and Kayley to zero for Oakleigh and Xander. Oakleigh, your turn.

Oakleigh: Two.

Brian: What is the name for an area within the broadcast radius of a wireless network?

Oakleigh: A hot spot.

Brian: (pause) Correct. The score is one to one. Kayley, please choose another card.

Kayley: One.

Brian: What is the name for the type of memory where any point in memory can be accessed or changed in the same amount of time at any location in the device?

Kayley: RAM?

Brian: (grabbing Card #6) Correct. Oakleigh, the score is two to one. If you get this question, you will tie up the game. Originally codenamed “Oak,” this programming language, featuring object-oriented programming, automatic garbage collection, and multi-platform functionality, was created by Sun Microsystems. What is the current name for it?

(viewing room)

Xander: Java. We studied it, but not the history.

(Elimination Room)

Oakleigh: C++?

Brian: I’m sorry. That’s incorrect. The correct answer was “Java.”

(the men and women exchange spots)

Oakleigh: I’m sorry.

Xander: Don’t worry.

Kendall: Way to go, Kayley! (hugs her)

Kayley: Good luck.

Brian: Welcome, boys. As you know, the score is two to one, in favor of Kendall and Kayley. Xander, please choose first.

Xander: Five.

Brian: This unit of energy is equal to approximately 4.185 kilojoules and is used in nutrition.

Xander: (smiling) That would be the Calorie, more specifically the nutritional calorie, rather than the thermochemical calorie.

Kendall: I could have told you that.

Brian: Very correct. Kendall?

Kendall: I’ll choose… four.

Brian: Per density, what is the strongest muscle in the body?

Kendall: Well, that’s an easy one… (holding his bicep; but swiftly put it down and says plainly) the geniohyoid, (tapping his tongue) one’s tongue.

Brian: (laughing) Correct.

(interview room)

Oakleigh: I just got the sinking feeling that they didn’t need either of us.

Kayley: It’s nothing personal, but Xander’s a science geek and Kendall’s a medical expert.

(Elimination Room)

Brian: The score is three to two. Kendall, your team still has the lead. Xander, what is your next choice?

Xander: One.

Brian: The American Cancer Society has declared at what age should both men and women be checked for colon cancer?

Kendall: (holding his butt) Ooh.

Brian: Kendall, please remain silent until your turn.

Xander: I’ve read this someone; I know this. I want to say forty, but I can’t risk it. Fifty.

Brian: Is that your answer? Fifty?

Xander: Yes.

(viewing room)

Oakleigh: He’s gone off the deep end. Always go with your first instinct!

(Elimination Room)

Brian: Fifty is correct.

(viewing room)

Oakleigh: But, hey, don’t listen to me. I was one for three.

(Elimination Room)

Brian: Kendall?

Kendall: (sighs) I’ll take six.

Brian: This diet, originally developed for cardiac patients, emphasizes high-fiber foods and foods with a low glycemic index and restricts most grains and fruits.

Kendall: Okay, “low glycemic index” is one of the buzzwords for the South Beach diet, which I recall did restrict grains, like the Atkins diet. I’ll say, “South Beach diet.” Final answer.

Brian: That is correct. Apparently, we’re playing Who Wants To Be A Millionaire now. Xander?

Xander: Three.

Brian: This nationally recommended program encourages children, teenagers, and adults alike to engage in physical exercise, including a program testing school children in their Physical Education classes.

Xander: That would be the Presidential Challenge for Physical Fitness.

Brian: Correct. The score is four to four. Kendall, if you miss this question, we will go into the tiebreaker round. If you get it correct, your team will remain in the mansion. Are you ready?

Kendall: Aye-aye. (salutes him)

Brian: This exercise program, named after its developer, recommends a variety of precise exercise techniques and was originally called “Contrology.”

(viewing room)

Oakleigh and Kayley: (screaming at the top of their lungs in unison) PILATES!!!

(Elimination Room)

(Xander and Kendall look behind them)

Kendall: What was that? (Xander just shrugs his shoulders; Kendall debates the question for several seconds, mouthing “yoga” to himself several times) I really want to say “yoga”—that’s not my answer, yet!—but I’m going to go out on a limb, like my most worthy competitor, though without the risk. Pilates?

Brian: (long dramatic pause) That is correct. (pause) Kendall and Kayley are our winners. Congratulations.

(Xander lets his head drop onto the stand)

Kendall: (goes to shake his hand) You almost kicked my ass. You’re one hell of a competitor.

Xander: Thank you, Kendall. You’re a lot smarter than you let on. I enjoyed competing with you.

Brian: Girls, you may return to the Elimination Room.

Kayley: (interview room) After that, I got a little emotional.

(viewing room)

Kayley: (who’s tightly hugging Oakleigh) I’m sorry we beat you.

Oakleigh: It’s alright.

Kayley: No, it won’t be the same without you.

Oakleigh: We have to go back to the room.

(Elimination Room)

Brian: Ladies? Can you hear me?

(Oakleigh walks into the room with Kayley still hugging her from behind)

Kayley: Xander! (lets go of Oakleigh and hugs Xander tightly) I’m going to miss you so much.

Oakleigh: (chastely hugs Kendall) Maybe I’ll see you around?

Kendall: Yeah, you guys totally deserved to win. It was a fluke.

Oakleigh: We lost fair and square. Best of luck. You might have a chance in this thing.

(Kayley runs up and hugs Kendall)

Kayley: We won! I’m so happy. (crying) But now Oakleigh and Xander are leaving and it’s all our fault!

Kendall: Remind to never lose again, ‘cause I can’t take you to these elimination rounds.

Brian: Xander, Oakleigh, if you’ll please exit the premises.

Kayley: We’re never going to see them again!

Kendall: What are you talking about? They’ll be back for the Aftermath show.

Kayley: (runs and hugs Xander and Oakleigh around their necks) See you at the Aftermath party. (she finally lets go)

Brian: Wow, I am not paid enough for this. Kendall, Kayley, congratulations. I’m sure the others are waiting to see who won.

Oakleigh: (interview room) It’s all my fault. I was the one who made us lose.

Xander: (interview room) I don’t blame Oakleigh. I was the one who made us the team to beat. I have to tell you, Oakleigh is a smart girl. The only think that separates her from the geeks in her interests. If her hobbies were computers and science instead of fashion and celebrity culture, we’d be competing for research grants. Fate just wasn’t in our favor.

Oakleigh: (interview room) Telling Xander he’s not a geek would be an insult. But as far as I can tell, he’s more studious than socially inept. He has an introverted, very practical personality. In reality, he’s a great guy.

(Oakleigh and Xander somberly exit the mansion with bags in hand)

(Kendall and Kayley tiptoe up the staircase)

A/N: And that’s all for now. What? You didn’t think I wasn’t going to leave you at a cliffhanger like the show does? No such luck!

First of all, I’d like to give my sympathy to Oakleigh and Xander, two fairly new characters that I killed off (figuratively) in first episode. That was the hardest part of being an author is losing one of your beloved characters.

On the next episode of Beauty and the Geek:

Brian: (voiceover) Aubrey steps up her attempts to gain immunity.

Aubrey: (to Josh) I didn’t see this coming! Okay, we’ll adapt. We’re gonna make friends.

(cut to Aubrey, in the middle of the night, peeking in to the various bedrooms)

Aubrey: (whispering) Okay, time to pull an Erika.

Brian: (voiceover) And, we bring in the obligatory hot tub scene. Will more romance develop among our players?

(various shots of the girls, in bikinis, of course, appraising the guys)

Brian: (voiceover) And our teams compete in more competitions. The girls do a bit of studying into the interests of guys…

(the girls in the library, looking hopelessly at various books with titles such as The Star Wars Encyclopedia and The DC Comics Encyclopedia)

Brian: (voiceover) …while the guys try to immerse themselves in popular culture.

(the guys in the library reading issues of People, Us, In Touch Weekly, Cosmopolitan, etc.)

Brian: (voiceover) There will be surprise for the teams.

(the teams outside the mansion)

Anna: Oh my gosh! (screams as she looks at something; holds her chest)

(Josh is in shock, his eye glazed and mouth hanging)

Brian: (voiceover) And there will be a twist that one will see coming. (dramatic music)

A/N: Yeah, even I won’t see it coming.

^_^ - Huh, I wonder why they didn’t like my interview tape. Maybe it’s because I’m not geeky-looking enough. Hey, it ain’t easy being beautiful.

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