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| Capt. Monkeyshades: What happened? |
| A tell-all story by Damascus Richelieu |
| Captain Monkeyshades' (1951-1979) inspiring and often times brutal life was cut short in suspicious fashion. Due to poor and inaccurate coverage in the press, and Captain Monkeyshades' enigmatic personality (especially his Howard Hughes-like reclusiveness [fig. 1]),many rumours have sprung up on the actual nature of his death. Was it an elaborate suicide? Was it one of his many enemies finally catching up with him? Was it a crime of passion? Many thought we would never know. However, I would like to take this opportunity to dispel some of the more widely believed accounts of his death and, once and for all, break my silence and tell how my dear friend lost his life. |
| [fig. 1]: Scroll photo for comparison. |
| One version of his death is: while working on a novel in a truck stop town near the Canadian border [fig. 2], he became involved with a notorious local prostitute. One evening, a few days after their intial meeting, they are said to have driven to a local "make-out" spot. The following day they were supposedly found dead from Monoxide poisoning and frozen whilst still in the act of copulation. I can vouch, that in the seven years I knew the Captain, I never once saw him pay for sex. Moreover, the Captain had a well-documented, irrational fear of cold weather climates. |
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| [fig. 2]: I contemplate the motel where the Captain wrote much of his Booker Prize winning novel " |
| Other, less salacious, but still ridiculous, rumors have been built upon a microbe of truth. The Captain did have terrible luck with automobiles. His light sensitive eyes did not adjust well to the harsh glare of the horizon. Thus, he was in many near-fatal accidents. Due to his general litheness and agility, he escaped many such catastrophic incidents with barely a scratch. Still, the "auto accident" theory has been expounded in great detail [fig. 3]. |
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| [fig. 3]: ?????? |
| I assure you that all auto-related theories are all false, yet there are selected stories that, once again, are widely believed [and bring a smile to my face]. The Captain was not killed in Logan, Utah when a 280lb. pumpkin fell on him from a truck [fig. 4]. Nor was he killed by a falling piece of ice that pierced the roof of his car as he drove through a tunnel outside of Christenchurch, New Zealand [Cold climate again. Research a bit, you hacks!]. |
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| [fig. 4]: Giant Pumpkin: aquitted. |